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Update
I talked to my son's stepmother at lunch today like DS had requested. I explained what he said in a very non accusatory way, and reiterated that DS was very afraid he was going to get in trouble for talking to me & that was not ok at all.
She agreed with me. Ex H has huge temper issues and is supposedly starting counseling on his own in the near future because she will not continue their relationship if he does not change.
We agreed that DS would write a letter to his dad and spell out exactly how his actions make him feel. Ex H needs to hear it from his son, that his son thinks he is a jerk when he gets mad. I know he doesn't think the kids notice.
I hope that this will be the wakeup call ex H needs to start working on himself. I stressed that I would take more action if DS asked me to, but at this point he still wants to go there. That might change in the near future.
Anyway, I am hopeful that both DS and ex H (and stepmom) can get relief from this situation, and that this is a turning point.
I am really proud of my DS for recognizing that his dad was doing something wrong, and was able to verbalize to me what needed to change to make him feel safe.
Thank you all for your great advice.
Re: Update
Glad to hear you and the stepmom are on the same page. I think DS writing a letter will help ex-H realize kids do notice things we think they don't and I hope this helps all relationships involved.
((hugs))
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