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MIL ruined our news of pregnancy
Firsty, I don't normally post on TN as I have mostly used the site for articles and renovating photos, but really need an outlet for my frustration/heartbreak and some advice on this one...
DH and I are early in our first trimester and decided we were going to wait to tell ANYONE about the news until the second trimester in case we miscarry or our screening tests come back positive for some irregularity and we decide to abort, etc. His sister guessed what was going on (we spend a lot of time with her and her husband) so we filled her in, but she does not talk to my MIL as they are not on speaking terms and she is a very trustworthy person so I know she has said nothing to anyone.
My DH and I live in a duplex with his parents, but in a separate and private apartment. We are renovating so we don?t have locks up on the doors right now leading to our private apartment since we are constantly running up and down the main stairwell. During the renovations, most of my possessions are being housed at my mother?s house nearby and I have no pregnancy-related items anywhere at our own place that my inlaws could stumble across -- the only thing pregnancy-related that is ever in our house would be a single book and my prenatal vitamins that are ALWAYS in my purse/work bag which is always sealed and usually kept nearby while we are working ? I NEVER leave it open and it goes with me to work or whenever I am not there.
We went to his sister?s house last night and she told us that her other brothers had been calling her asking if she knew about us having a baby already and she played dumb because she knew we didn't want to tell anyone yet. She said her brothers had told her that my MIL called all of them telling them that I?m pregnant and how it?s a big secret so they can?t tell anyone and that we?ve been trying to conceive for a very long time and that I have fertility issues. She told them a bunch of other things which were ficticious, but also private matters had they been true.
We can?t figure out how she found out because no one else knew, we don?t have pregnancy-related items in plain sight (and barely have any to begin with at this point), and we don?t talk about it when we know his parents are within hearing distance and are usually whispering anyway. His sister thought I might have left a positive pregnancy test in the garbage and MIL saw it, but I took all of them at my mother?s house, not there. The only possible explanation is that she was snooping through my purse and work bags when we were in another room working on our renos ? there is no other way she could have found out. I hadn?t even told my own family or my best friend. Now everyone and their mother knows (she?s told all her distant relatives and even told my hairdresser!) and they all think I have fertility issues -- I conceived on the very first try which was only 2 months ago.
I am so embarrassed now, and will be mortified if anything goes wrong and everyone starts wondering what happened and starts asking questions (even though it was supposed to be a secret and they weren?t really supposed to know, as MIL told them).
I am furious but can?t really do much about it at this point. I am also horribly upset because the joy of us revealing to our family ourselves has been completely ruined. How are we supposed to go about doing it now? "Oh, hey everyone...we know MIL went through my private property snooping and found out on her own and also called to tell everyone immediately after committing a crime, but surprise!"? And I really love that everyone is now talking amongst themselves about why we were even planning on TTC before we were even married ? she told everyone that we have been trying for over a year, yet we only just had our wedding this past June (their extended family is Catholic and always need to gossip about family members that commit such horrible sins, in their eyes). We weren't even TTC but I had gone off BC and we decided whatever happens, happens.
Does anyone have some advice or a similar story? I am just lost on this one. I don?t know what to be more upset about ? how she went through my private property or how she is spreading rumours and told everyone our business. My DH is pissed too, but if we confront her about it now (especially since she has not once asked us to confirm) we have to come right out and confirm it to everyone, and we weren?t ready to do that yet and were going to in January/February. My heart is broken and I now seem like some paranoid crackhead hiding all my things and locking them up.
I would really appreciate if anyone could share their story with me -- I really just need someone to talk to and identify with since my friends and family don't know yet...thanks, ladies.
Re: MIL ruined our news of pregnancy
That is just unimaginably awful. She has obviously been snooping through your stuff since before you were married, since she apparently knows how long ago you went off birth control and took it upon herself to assume that you must have started trying to conceive.
Unfortunately I don't have any helpful advice for you. If it were me, I would be tempted to call her up, ask her why she was telling everyone we were pregnant when we weren't, and inform her that not only have we not been trying to have kids but we don't plan to have them EVER. Unfortunately everyone would obviously find out that was a lie in the next few weeks, and then you would look like the crazy one instead of her.
At this point you might consider spreading the news to your side of the family and friends (hopefully she hasn't told THEM yet) before she has a chance to spill the beans. Since she has already told everyone on her side of the family, I would skip the announcement altogether, and when people ask, just say that you assumed that they already knew since MIL decided to tell everyone about it. I wouldn't even address the fertility issue problem unless someone asks you about it directly, at which point you can inform them of the truth.
I would say exactly that.
Why hasn't your H called his mom to ask why she thinks that you're are pregnant and how she got the idea that you were having issues? AND why she felt the need to tell other people about this when you had not come to her about it yourselves yet?
I'd be mad too, and I'd at least want to let her know that you realize that she's been spreading these rumours and that you don't appreciate it.
Even if you had told MIL your pregnancy news in confidence, what she did was so wrong. Not only did she tell people you're pregnant, she told them you have fertility issues. What she's doing is slander! Completely disrespectful. The problems she has caused, creating a disease of lies about you to DH's extended family, omg.
Easier said than done: if I were you I'd be telling your DH that you want to be living in another place before the baby is born because his mom's behavior is most-likely just going to get worse. I think DH should tell her that her actions have broken his and your trust with her, and that you both need space from her as to keep your stress levels low. Don't let MIL get away with a pass by saying some airhead comment like: "Oh I'm sorry I let the excitement of a grandbaby get the best of me! tee hee! Oh silly me!"
I think you should tell everyone your news, when your ready, so what if they already know, you'll still get that opportunity, and then you can answer any untruths mother in law spread (I'm thinking people will tell you that she already told and say things like "I heard you've been trying for a while"), you'll also get to tell people, she shouldn't have told you that.
THEN, I would go to her immediately and say really enthusiastically "how did you find out", like you are okay with her knowing. If she says, oh I saw this or that you know she didn't say, no come on tell us, that isn't it, we tried really hard to hide it...you are so good. Then when she tells you, just freakin lay into to her like a lion about how she invaded your privacy.
And then let her answer.
From there, he can decide where to take it.
But I think you all would benefit from moving away from them. The way you talked about how you kept everything in your purse, etc... If you "know" you have to hide stuff from her, this is not someone I would want to be living right next to. This invasion of your privacy will not end w/ this.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I agree, but it is easier said than done (I recently had to help out one of my parents financially and at the time it was okay, but it has made us moving right now almost impossible without completely lowering our standard of living...and we'd like to keep that standard up for our baby when it comes.)
UPDATE: I just heard from my SIL that my BIL called her again to ask her why me and my DH are considering putting the nursery up in my MIL's apartment instead of our own. Apparently, MIL called him again and said something like "Oh, now we're just wondering where to put the nursery...in your brother's old room or attached to ours." Is this not completely crazy?! Why on earth would I put my baby's room 2 floors above where we live, so that my MIL is caring for the baby and I am lost somewhere else in the house, in a completelely separate apartment?! Okay, it's go-time. DH is going to have to say something to her -- I think it has more effect coming from your own child than some random person (because apparently, that is all I am to her). I am starting to feel like I'm going to be an inspiration story for an episode of Law & Order: SVU where some crazy MIL takes off with the grandchild to raise as her own.
This
What they said. Everything that they said. Especially the part about looking for a new house.
Sara, Friend?
glove slap. I don't take crap.
I'm so sorry she has ruined your wonderful news likes this!!
If I were ya'll, I would catch her off guard and question her. That way she has no time to come up with an excuse.
Ask her why is she telling everybody, when she has not confirmed it with ya'll?
Ask her why is she telling everybody about the TTC and fertility issues when she yet again has not confirmed this facts with ya'll?
I wouldnt mention the snooping part unless she comes out and says she found something...that is a strong accusation to throw out at someone with no evidence...just IMO.
Seriously though, you need to discuss it with her. Also, if I was you, I would make her feel bad for ruining the secret. Say we were going to tell you, but since you already know and told everybody else too, its not longer a surprise! So congrats gma!
Ugh!! So sorry!
My MIL told people that we were having fertility issues earlier this year. We're not even trying. We did two things.
1: When people made weird comments like, "I'm so sorry you're going through this" or "Hang in there" I addressed it right away and asked them what they meant and then corrected them, "We haven't been trying for a baby. I don't know why MIL would say otherwise."
2: DH confronted her face to face and asked why she was first of all making up stories. And secondly if she truly believed that we were having problems why she would think it was appropriate to be telling people intimate details. She denied the whole thing but I'm glad my DH said something to her and we're correcting people when we have the opportunity.
I'm really sorry she ruined your news and I hope that your DH confronts her about it so she understands that it was not only inappropriate but extremely unkind to you and your DH.
Wow, I would double dead bolt every door in my home. If you rent, I would start saving now for a deposit on a new place. Wow! Your husband needs to confront her and put a stop to her meddling and lying now. I also agree with others who stated that you should probably tell your parents now. You don't want them to hear it through the grapevine too.
Please don't let this ruin your pregnancy. It is a very special and magical time, enjoy it and after you deal with it, move on and limit your contact with her. My parents announced their divorce when I was 8 months pregnant. My dad had another woman. It put a huge damper on my pregnancy and when I delivered I was happy, but felt like I had a dark cloud hanging over me. Don't let this be that dark cloud, enjoy being pregant and planning for your new little one. Big hugs!
"Don't marry a man unless you would be PROUD to have a son exactly like him." ~ Unknown
this
Well, if I were you, I'd sit down with your MIL and your DH. I'd ask her why she thought you were PG and why she felt it was her duty to tell others of this suspicion and include the fallacy that you have fertility issues.
I would let her know how this made you feel. I'd tell her that, true or false, this is a private, sensitive matter and NOT her news to spread. It was completely unacceptable and disrespectful of her.
I'd let her know that it is unacceptable to break into your apartment and snoop through your things...and in the future, you will have no problem contacting the police and filing a trespass complaint against her. Furthermore, if she cannot understand basic respect and boundaries, she will not be spending time with her future grandchild.
Don't be emotional. Be very matter of fact and firm. She'll get the message.
I would do everything possible to be out of there before a baby arrived. I'd live in a studio apartment before I'd live under conditions were my privacy was not respected. There is something wrong with the woman. Hopefully your DH told her in no uncertain terms it would not be tolerated.
I'm sorry she not only ruined your opportunity to tell people in your own way, but also put you in an unfortunate position if something goes wrong. Wishing you a happy and healthy pregnancy. I agree with PP about not spending time with her future grandchild if her behavior is not changed.
It's more than crazy; this is actually quite disturbing. You really need to move ASAP.
I agree with what everyone else has said, especially that your DH can question her without actually admitting that you are pregnant.I wouldn't want to give her the satisfaction of confirming the pregnancy. I would do everything in my power to find out HOW she found out, especially if it was from your SIL, so that you will know where to go from there.
There are times where we keep out mouths shut to keep the peace and avoid drama in a family... this is not one of those times. I would lay into your MIL and hold nothing back. She snooped, invaded your privacy, possibly committed a crime and ruined one of the more exciting times of your life. There is no excuse, and I would let her know exactly how she has made you feel.
What is your living situation right now? I would do everything in your power to move out ASAP.
And when people ask you about the news, I would totally call your MIL out on everything that she did.
I'm getting a bad vibe from SIL here. Why is it that she's become this go-between with this issue? I understand that you don't suspect her of telling MIL because they don't speak, but why is she the one BIL calls when he's got a question about your nursery? So he calls her, and then she immediately calls you to report on what he said?
This whole situation is bizarre, and SIL seems to be right in the center of the bizarre. Hmmm.
At any rate, moving ASAP would be a great start.
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That is what I am thinking! If I were you my momma gene would be working into overdrive right now. That, move out and not tell her where you live, kind of overdrive. Your H seriously need to tell her to back the eff off, and stay firm with it. If he doesn't I would start to doubt him for our unborn child, no one should be born into dealing with this.
Also, I would feel the need to spread the fact that she has no idea what she is talking about, on almost every account, and that you are moving as far as you can get away from this craziness. You need to protect yourself. Your MIL is turning into a cancer. Nipping her in the butt by removing her and telling family what she is, so you can figure out if they need to be quarantined too, is needed.
Good luck and keep us posted!
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This. I think she's BSC and just happened to get lucky around the pg part. Or it's possible she could just tell. My dad has a friend who could identify a pg women from 10 paces. Often before they realized it. It was creepy.
Since you are pg, I'd go ahead and share with those important to you. Denying it makes you a liar. And try not to be too upset about the big reveal, it spoils it for you. But most who care about you will be happy however they find out. Of course, I'm not a fan of the overly cutesy overly planned announcement. JMHO.
FWIW, get locks. An apartment without locks is not a private apartment, it's just another room in her home.
You've gotten good advice so far- I just wanted to add: if I were your aunt or sister or cousin or whatever, and you told me that you were pregnant, I would be thrilled for you, and feel sorry that your MIL was a BSC nutcase- but my "thrilled for you" would so very far outweigh any amount of thought I put towards your MIL or what she said or why. What your MIL said/ did will cause a lot of eye-rolling and head -shaking and "who even says stuff like that?" when the truth comes out, and then it will all be very quickly overshadowed by the excitement of your baby and having a new little person in the family.
What I would say to anyone who asked you: "I have no idea where she got any of those ideas from, and I'm angry that she said that to you." Because you don't know where she got any of those ideas, and because you are angry she said that to you. I don't think you have to tell anyone anything you're not ready to share- that's giving her too much power over the situation.
To her- were I your DH, I'd be packing right now and finding a new place to live and moving the both of you posthaste. I'm getting a major creepy vibe from your MIL, and I would be putting some major space between my family and MIL, and quickly.
Congratulations on your pregnancy!
I guess I'm telling you my story, so you know there are other BSC MILs out there. I would let your DH handle it. I wouldn't confirm the pregnancy, as others have said. I wouldn't want her to have the satisfaction of guessing right.
Also, as others have said, get locks pronto. And consider moving. I know it's done us a lot of good to put distance between us.
I don?t think your MIL went through your stuff. I believe your H told her in all his excitement ? but told her to keep a secret. THAT?s why he doesn?t want to confront her? cause it?d be found out that he didn?t keep the secret. Does your mom know?