Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
I was not sure on where to post this but I need you advice.
My DH and I have been married for 2 years. He is 33 and I am 31 years old. Although we had discuss children before we were married I feel now DH is not holding up his end of the bargain. I've been wanting to start a family for quite sometime now and DH had been hesitant to start. His reasons were and still are Money, childcare, and also he thinks having a child will keep him from achieving his financial goals in life.
Although I understand that its important to have good financial stability for a child, I am not getting any younger. I see many people with way less income than with several children. I feel like he is using money as an excuse not to have a child. He told me once that he didn't want any children however he knows that I want a child and he's willing to have one with me. I feel like he is being very selfish. Since we've been married he promised me every year we would start trying and then he changes his mind year after year by saying we're not ready or he's not ready.
I've had medical issues with my menstrual cycle and I often wonder if that will affect my ability to conceive. Therefore I'm anxious to start trying and see what the possibilities are. I don't know what else to do about him.
How can I work out this matter with DH?
Re: I was not sure on where to post this but I need you advice.
Sorry this will sound mean but this would have been the point when I would have broken up with him. I too was dating a guy who said he didn't want children but would begrudgingly if I really really wanted to. HE would rather spend that money on a boat and travelling. Hey nothing wrong with that, if it is what he wants. However it wasn't what I wanted and I knew we were not compatible. I didn't want to have kids with someone who didn't want to have kids. So I broke up with him and now I am married to an absolutely wonderful man and a fantastic father.
That really scares me. I wouldn't try to push the issue if he isn't ready- he is going to resent you and it isn't a good environment to bring a child. At the same time- I do think it is time you sit down and have a serious conversation. Ask him- is it really the money? If it is- then what do you need to cut back on get to where you need to be. Come up with a plan- savings- goals.
But my guess is this goes deeper than money- and since "We don't have enough" is a vague term- he doesn't need to set a deadline.
This! In college, I was in a serious relationship with the same type of guy. Knew I wanted kids, he didn't. He told me he would work a lot and I could be a SAHM, but he wasn't interested in these potential children. Although we dated for a while (I thought his opinion might change), we ended up splitting up because of this (he was also a jerk.) I met my husband shortly after. He loves kids and family in general, and is going to be a great dad when the time comes.
GP buddy to blenderdance
You're right that there is a difference between being financially stable enough for children and having boatloads of cash lying around. I think now is the time for a very frank discussion with your DH. Ask him directly what his preferable timeline is, when he thinks he'll be financially ready for kids, etc. If his answers don't match yours, you might have some tough decisions to make, especially if he has no answers. Then it really does sound like he's stalling and doesn't want kids.
Having said that, I agree with the PP about leaving him when he first said he didn't really want kids. You should have children with someone who really wants them, not someone who's simply willing to deal with them.
stw_77 thank you for replying. You are being honest, I take responsibility for not letting him know how important this was to me before marriage. We discussed it but I don't think I emphasize on the subject.
Sara, Friend?
glove slap. I don't take crap.
Yeah, you need to start back at does he even want kids.
The facts are - kids cost money. Does it mean he'll never reach his financial goals? No. but it might take longer.
And while I think using "if we waited until we could afford kids, we'd never have kids" blindly is stupid (as in, people who literally don't know how they are going to pay their bills each month shouldn't run w/ this logic), at the same time, there is alot of truth to it.
BUT- again, does he even want kids, and do you really want to have children w/ a man who is only doing it because you want them? I ask this because I would fully expect this to turn into (once the child is here) "I'm not taking care of him. YOU'RE the one who wanted him, not me".
Do you REALLY want to have kids w/ a man who could end up w/ that attitude?
I think it's time for 1- you to decide if this is a dealbreaker or not, and 2- talk to him more seriously and if it really, truly is a dealbreaker, be ready to walk away if he says he doesn't want kids.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I have thought about it. I've asked myself if this marriage is more important to me than having children? Am I willing to give this men up for a family?
Well you are welcome. I know two grown men whose father's made it very clear that they didn't want children and only had children because their mother did and they wanted to marry their mother. It is hard to describe the pain, resentment and self -esteem issues that those men have had to deal with all their lives. So when people say " Don't have kids with someone who doesn't want to have kids" they are very right. It is not a healthy situation to have a baby in and not at all a healthy situation for a child to grow up in.
I am about the same age as you but one thing I have learned through my dating years is that a guy can be a nice/good guy, but that doesn't mean he will be a good husband and father. I don't have to date every nice guy out there, knowing that we are a not compatible and want different things in life. I can be picky and look for a good guy who also wants the same things in life that I want.
I would have a really serious conversation with him about the issue. Tell him that it's time to put his cards on the table: if money, or the lack thereof, is the issue with why he's reluctant to have children, what financial goals does he feel you need to accomplish before you start TTC? What concrete steps is he willing to take to achieve those goals?
And then, if he hems and haws about the financial stuff, open the discussion about whether or not he actually wants to have children, and whether or not this is a dealbreaker for you. Think through what you want and be honest with him.
I do think its selfish that he didn't mention this to me before marriage. I do think its not right for him to keep leading me on to believe its about finance. This matter shouldn't be so difficult and he is making hard.
But he DID mention it to you before marriage, when he said he didn't want children but would do it as a favor to you. You just chose not to pay too much attention to it. Yes, it certainly is spineless of him to keep making excuses when it sounds like he really just doesn't want children, but at the same time, it sounds like you feel he needs a "good enough" reason not to have kids. It just isn't accurate to say that you had no idea he felt this way before you got married.
He did not mention it to me before marriage. He said it about 2 months ago and we had a big fight about that.
Sorry, it wasn't clear from your OP when he made that comment originally. So when you discussed this before getting married, and he said he wanted kids, do you think he really meant it and he's now changed his mind, or did he just say he wanted kids because he knew you wanted them?
In any case, now that you know how he really feels, you have a decision to make.
Please please please do not give this man kids he doesn't want and do not give your future children a father that did not really want them.
Do you seriously want to spend your life raising a child with a man that only did it for you? Being a parent is difficult under the best of circumstances. I am fortunate enough to have a husband that is an amazing father, and we both very much wanted our kids, still there are days we're counting the minutes till bedtime. I can't even fathom how hard it would be if I didn't truly want to be a mother.
You say he's being so selfish for not making it clear that he didn't want kids, but you admit you didn't make clear how badly you do want kids. You both made a mistake in not discussing this further before marriage, that's done. Now you need to figure out if you can stay in this marriage and be happy without children or if you need to walk away and find someone that does want to have children with you.
OP, at one time I could have written your entire post word for word.
Let me say this, he still may change how he feels. I have seen my husband mellow as a person and not only soften to the idea of having kids but he is now looking forward to it and we are "trying." This is the same man who wore condoms while I was on birth control just to make sure there were no "situations" even while we were married and not just dating anymore.
You have to get to the truth no matter how nervous it makes you. Therapy is a good start. He may not change his mind if you go to therapy, but at least you will know what the deal is 100%. Then its up to you to decide if you love him more than you love the idea of having a family with children of your own.
Not sure if you are talking to me, but I did say that if he does not want children then it is up to her to re-evaluate and see what more important to her. Personally, I have never met anyone who wanted kinds and then did not. But, I have met quite a few ppl who didn't want kids and then decided that they did.
True, but that is a risk I wouldn't be willing to take. I have known even more people who didn't want children, had them anyways and resented it later. They resented themselves, their children and their spouse. Great it worked out for you, but again that is not something I would take a chance on.
Understood, thats why I think therapy is the best way to get to the true heart of the matter. Then she can figure out where her priorities are: being married to him, or having a family.
I met my DH when I was 22 years old. I like right off the bat and before we know it we had grown to grown adults who needed to think about he future. When we would discussed kids he always says that he only wanted one child and he become rich then we could have as many as I wanted. We move in together before marriage. There were also times when he would he wanted to have kids at 40 years old. During that time he would say after we were and financially stable we could start.
You sometime I wonder if its maybe me he doesn't want kid s with.