Family Matters
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: I was not sure on where to post this but I need you advice.
I'm staring to believe that.
yep that's the same exact thing for me.
Ok I am by no means a mind reader but this just screams to me " I don't trust you." He doesn't want children, has told you he doesn't want children, and is thinking that you will trick him into parenthood with an "oopsie" baby.
My advice is to listen to what he is saying. He doesn't want kids. Whatever happened in the past, he now doesn't want kids. Take him for his word and don't give him children. That doesn't make him a jerk ( unless he lied to you the entire time), but on the other hand it wouldn't make you a jerk to divorce him over this either. I have known people who divorced over this exact issue and it really was the best thing for both of them. They both moved on and eventually found someone who had similar goals and values.
What's upsetting me is that last year he promise me we would start June 2010. I had gone back to school and he wanted me to finish my program first, Which I did. Then in June 2010 he says December 2010 after I get a job. Guess What he has not even brought up the subject this month. I brought it up to him couple days and he said 2011 and I said Absolutely no. He suggested that we talk about coming weekend when he's free.
I have a feeling he's going to bring up his conditions again and set another date and not follow up with it.
so then put on your big girl pants and make a decision. is he worth not having a family? or do you want kids more than you want to be with your husband? wishy washy won't cut it now if it hasn't before.
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You keep calling him selfish, but YOU would be selfish if you tried to force him to have a kid he doesn't want. That is so unfair to the kid.
This. Yes he's wrong for not being totally straight out with you, but you're wrong for not calling him out and having a brutally honest discussion.
I think it's easier for you to spend your time over-analyzing everything he's ever said to you on the topic and being angry with him than it is to do what you really need to do - figure out what you want more, him or children.
my father while in high school made his grandmother and mother teach him how to cook b/c he was certain he would never get married, he wanted to be a bachelor forever! he started college feeling the same way...no wife, no kids. then he met my mom and they started dating...he changed his mind and they have 4 kids now, all out of high school, and all were raised in a loving, wonderful household! people's minds can change.
with that said, my husband really really wants kids like yesterday! and i am not ready. i am so scared of the changes it will bring, to our relationship, my body, and my freedom (selfish of me i realize, but i'm just not ready)...and money had always been an issue for me as we do not have much in savings and don't have the means to increase this by much. if my husband were to push me into having a baby now, i would resent him for pushing me, and i want kids in the near future. for someone who stills seems resistant to it, i can't imagine how it would make him feel.
every person, every situation is different. you need to sit down with him, don't point fingers, don't say "you are avoiding this" or "you keep saying its just about money" that will corner him. tell him that you want to talk about the potential of starting a family this coming year, that in the past years the two of you have put it off due to money. let him know you know money is a big factor in this and that you want to set a goal and when you reach it thats when you want to start a family.
if setting goals (aka a definite timeline) pushes him away from the idea still or further, then seeking help from elsewhere may be the next step. just let him know that you want to work toward this together, that you understand his reservations, and are willing to work with him as long as he is willing to work with you.
i hope this helps, and good luck to you both! don't give up until you have exhausted all resources, be open to his feelings and ideas while still staying true to your wants and needs...its a hard middle ground to find, but its out there somewhere!
I'd file the divorce papers. Seriously, if it was before you married and you were incompatible, then you could spend time thinking if you wanted to be with him or wanted a family. But if he misled you to get you to marry him, and now is backing out - - what kind of guy is he? He doesn't share your values, and you seem to want children enough that you will later think "what if...." - long after the possibility of having a family has been closed.
There are GREATcouples out there with no kids - either by choice or by circumstance. But if that's not the life you want, you are still young enough to find someone who shares your goals.
Nope, not selfish. At least, not any more selfish than wanting to have a child.
kenk, as someone else said earlier, it seems like you are overanalyzing everything he says, probably because you feel like if you zero in on the minute details of his words you can identify the root cause of his reluctance and fix it somehow so you can make a baby and be happy together. The funny thing is, in scrutinizing his every word and trying to read between the lines and find the hidden meaning, you are completely looking past what is he is very plainly telling you: he does not want to have children with you.
I really am sorry- it does sound like he didn't have the courage to tell you how he really felt (although, as someone else pointed out, you admitted that you were not explicit in just how much having a family meant to you). The two of you need to have a genuine, honest conversation, in which you both just say what you feel without trying to cushion the blow, and you really listen to what the other has to say without trying to spin it into something else. Ultimately, you definitely need to prepare yourself for the possibility that you want different things out of life and this will not work out.
I really don't think there is a "middle ground" on this issue. Having a child is not like picking what movie to see at the theater, ie "Since we can't agree on a movie, how about I pick this time and you pick next time?" A child is a life-long decision, and a very life-altering one at that.
OP, you married a man that does not want to have children. What if he actually did agree to "let" you have a baby, and everything does not go as planned? What if you would have to support this child physically, financially, and medically for the rest of your lives? I can't imagine how physically and emotionally taxing that would be when you don't even have a husband that is ready and willing to raise a child that is healthy.
What if you did have a baby, and your husband decides to grow distant? If things go sour between you and your H, will you soon resent the baby as well?
It is unfortunate that you want to have a child so badly that you are so selfishly willing to do it with a man that does not want to be a father. It is also unfortunate that for the same reason you are willing to sacrifice your child's right to have two loving parents. You obviously are thinking of only your needs in this situation; how INCREDIBLY SELFISH of you.
You are considering putting yourself in the same situation that my BIL and SIL are currently in. Right now they have two children (boys, 5 and 2). I don't know if they were TTC or if it just happened but BIL was not happy (with the second kid at least--I know because when I asked him if he really wanted another one his answer was a belligerant "Not really but it's done now").
DH and I share their house. The set up is kind of like a duplex (we have our own kitchen and everything) but it was more of an addition (circa 1800s) so the doors don't fit the frames and we hear all of their discussions--let alone their arguments. I'm going to paint you a picture of your future if you force YH to have a child with you in his current frame of mind:
BIL works with the state. He works 10 hrs a day, 4 days a week. He comes home, eats dinner (which he expects to be ready for him because SIL is a SAHM and, hey, what else does she do all day?).He makes decent money and we pay $800.00
BIL is off on Fridays and according to MH (who is unfortunately unemployed and therefore privy to all that goes on during the day while I'm at work) he takes care of the toddler (T) on that day. All day long he's yelling at T for this or that (normal, one would think) but, because he didn't want T, he has very limited patience. It's not uncommon to hear him call T "son of a ***" or "dummy" because T doesn't listen. BIL doesn't have the balls to say it where I or SIL can hear.
On Saturdays and Sundays BIL goes out with buddies hunting/shooting/boating choose your manly sport. He feels that since he works hard all week he deserves to have his fun. If SIL dares to ask BIL to watch T or the kindergartner (K) on the weekend he b!thces and moans about how SIL never takes care of the "damn kids" and he didn't even want them in the first place. Yes, in their hearing; and K, at least, is old enough to understand him.
BIL and SIL depend on MIL to watch the kids several days a month and at least one whole weekend every other month. Not to work on strengthening their marriage but b/c SIL has plans or wants a break (can't imagine why) and BIL refuses to give up his plans to hang out w/ his buddies. It was once at a point when T cried every time he saw MIL b/c he assumed his parents would be leaving him there w/ her (not sure if that's still the case now he's older).
On top of that, BIL also raises hell whenever SIL spends money on something not related to food or household cleaning products. She once bought a pair of $150 running shoes (yes, I heard enough that I even know how much the damn shoes cost) and they screamed about it for half an hour and he muttered about it under his breath for the next week (at this point I'm just pissed that I can hear him muttering under his breath--I want soundproofing and I want it now). Normally, I'd say that $150 is a lot to spend on shoes if you're really all that worried about money but SIL runs about 5 miles every day (she takes T to MIL's house and runs around the neighborhood) so good shoes are a must. Better a pair of expensive running shoes than a day of even more expensive foot surgery. However, BIL apparently has no problem with coming home with a new rifle or a new 4-wheeler or taking a 4 day hunting trip to New York with some buddies (all of which have happened in the past 2 months--he averages about one new extravagant purchase a month). When SIL starts arguing about whatever new luxury BIL brings home, BIL's explanation is that he's the only one with a job, he works damn hard and he'll use his money however he wants. If SIL doesn't like it she can go to work and start making her own damn money.
Meanwhile, back at the farm, SIL is getting burned out with watching the kids, MIL and FIL are slowly starting to refuse to watch them as much so she can't depend on them as much as before, and she gets no help from BIL when he his home. I kid you not, right now BIL has sat down to dinner with T and K. T started acting up (sounds like he's banging his spoon on the table) and BIL starts saying "Where's mommy? Go find mommy".
I am not exaggerating when I say that you do not want to have kids with a man who has admitted that he's not to keen on having them and who is trying to put it off. As much as you want kids (and I'm sure you do) it's hard enough raising them with a partner who helps out around the house. You do not want to have to take care of them and then have to deal with your 35 yo husband acting like a 2 yo brat.
I don't know if/how you can ever be sure YH wants children. Chances are if he doesn't want them now, he never will. But you need to be aware of the consequences of browbeating him into giving you child because you really want one. Yes, it's bad on for the child as PP have mentioned. But it will also be extremely difficult for you.
Good luck.