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Thats Mrs. MIL to you!
My DH and I have been together for 7 years and married for 2 months. His parents are sweet though they are a little clingy and they have some weird traits. They are in their early 60s, about the same age as my parents. After DH and I got engaged about a year ago I started calling them by their first names. Well, MIL got so upset by this that she told my SIL that every time I called her by her first name its like I am "stabbing her in the heart with a knife". That is a direct quote.
I stopped calling them by their first names but I am still at a loss as to what to do- I feel really uncomfortable calling them Mr and Mrs. Lastname just like any other person off the street would. Also, when DH and I have kids how weird will that be when I am still calling the MIL "Mrs. Lastname"? The MIL's reasoning is that by calling her by her first name I am disrespecting her, but I don't see it that way. I think that we are both adults and since she calls me by my first name I should be able to do the same. My parents have no problem letting DH call them by their names, they even insist on it! Since our parents are so close in age I can't see this as being a generational thing, I feel that it is just a power trip on MIL's part.
My question is this: What can I call her, besides "MOM" (which is what my SIL does), that is less formal than Mrs. Lastname but wont offend her respect radar? Has anyone else had to go through this? I am tempted to teach any future kids to call her Mrs. Lastname as well. See how she likes that!
Thanks for any advice!
Re: Thats Mrs. MIL to you!
Oh, when you have kids, it will be easy. Call her "grandma" or whatever it is that she wants your kids to call her.
It sounds like she actually wants you to call her "mom", and tha'ts probably the "stab through the heart" crap.
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Meh. If she wants to be Mrs. Lastname, call her Mrs. Lastname. The alternative would be to call her Mother Lastname or nothing at all.
Once kids come along, you can call her grandma.
avoid calling her anything to her face and when you're talkign about her to someone else call her either "my mother in law" or "H's mom" or "first name"
Really I get along without hardly ever calling my in laws anything to their face, it rarely comes up when you have to, just look at her and she should know you're talking to her.
If I have to though I'll call her "mom+first initial of last name"
OP, I am with you - I think this is your MIL on a power trip. However, some people are just wierd like that & are set in their ways.
You would think that your MIL would approach you on the 'issue' and not SIL. "Emily, I really don't like being called Sue, could you please call me ___ ?" Also, feeling like she is being 'stabbed in the heart' is a little dramatic.
I would continue to call her by her first name until SHE approached me on the topic - but that's just me
Honestly, if she is insulted by you calling her by her first name and you don't feel comfortable calling her 'Mom', then I think the only alternative is to call her Mrs. ___. I know, it seems childish and dated, but some people are old fashioned like that.
The "stabbed in the heart" thing is pretty melodramatic of her, but if you didn't hear that straight from the horse's mouth then I wouldn't comment on it.
Have you asked HER what she wants to be called? Maybe she has something particular in mind. Or maybe the only thing she's against is for you to use her first name. I realize that you are an adult, just as she is, but that's not a hill I would die on. Ask her what she wants to be called, and just do it to make her happy.
Is it even necessary to address her by a specific name? I don't address my FIL personally ... I say hello, of course, but I don't say "Hi Neil/Mr. X/Dad." I just say "Hi!" to him, and if I'm talking to someone else about him I just say, "My father-in-law" or "[Husband]'s dad." I don't think my husband calls my parents anything to their faces, either (although if he's talking to someone else he might say, "Bob said xxx" or "Mr. X said xxx"). Heck, my husband and I rarely call each other by our names.
And like ECB said, once you have kids you could always just call her what the kids call her. My mother refers to her MIL as Gram, just like my siblings and I do.
I'd just call her Mrs Lastname. I'm of the opinion that people get to choose what name they prefer.
I would, however, be tempted to insist that she also call you Mrs Lastname (I assume you have the same last name)
I will never call anyone but my own mother Mum. The end.
I agree with pp that I seldom call my MIL anything, but when I do it's her first name.
This is what I was thinking. She probably just wants to complain about something.
Sara, Friend?
glove slap. I don't take crap.
HAAAAAA, this.
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LOL. My maternal grandfather disliked my father, probably with good reason. He told my father he could call him Mr. Lord. he also bought my parents a burial plot as a wedding gift.
When DH and I married my dad jokingly told DH he could now call him Mr. Smith to which DH answered "and you can call me Dr. Jones." I pretty much always call my father by his first name.
Why is it disrespectful to call her by her first name?
Some people do view the younger generations calling them by their first names as disrespectful. I am almost 36 years old, I still call my mother's best friends Dr. and Mrs. Lastname. There are other friends of my parents or parents of my friends who I call by their first names, it's all about how they wish to be addressed.
Just try to avoid calling her anything and when the kids come along you can call her grandma or some version thereof.
This. Outside of the US (and in the US until recently), most cultures give respect to older generations, and don't have the "we are all equal" mentality.
And really, it's rude to call anyone by their first name unless they tell you it's ok - it's clearly not ok with MIL.
I agree she wants you to call her "mom,' but that's up to you. If you're not comfortable with that, then I'd ask her how she wants to be addressed. ("MIL, SIL told me you don't like being called by your first name. Unfortunately, I just don't feel comfortable calling you mom, b/c that name's already taken by my mom." I'm wondering what you want me to call you? Miss Sue? Mrs. Jones?
I think there is a HUGE difference between what you call your friends' parents and what you call your MIL. Your MIL is supposed to be your family - do you call anyone else who is a member of your family Mr. or Mrs. lastname?
But I agree with PPs, I think she might want to be called Mom - esp. since SIL does.
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It seems so cold and unwelcoming. What a way to welcome someone to the family! Does your husband think this is strange?
dup
It seems so cold and unwelcoming. What a way to welcome someone to the family! Does your husband think this is strange?
dp
Ditto
Just say, "Mrs. Lastname...would you mind if I called you Firstname, or Mom...what would you prefer?"
See how she responds...
My parents are the parents who do not want my husband calling them by their first names. They would prefer Mom or Dad or Mom/Dad J or some other permutation. To them, going by first names is not very familiar. This is awkward for my husband, he feels like calling them by their first name is the best way to be "close".
My inlaws always wanted me to call them by their first name. It was always very awkward for me since I came from a family that does not call adults by their first name. I called my inlaws by their first name until we got married and now I call them Mom & Dad.
Honestly, to me, it's a family thing. For my parents, not going by first names is not a control thing. Maybe it is for your MIL. My opinion, when in Rome act like a Roman. If they want you to call them Mrs. MIL, so be it. I agree with the other poster, she can become Grandma when you have kids.
Slowly but surely.