Family Matters
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: MIL ruined our news of pregnancy
I actually suspect him or SIL, but I don't know these people and would hate to settle on a concrete theory. I hope it wasn't either.
I'm so sorry she ruined this happy time for you. She needs to be questioned without admitting that it's true--just ask her where she heard, calmly. If it's SIL, I suspect she'll admit it. If not... well. Mystery continues, I suppose.
I also agree with moving out. They're just making nutty statements now. O.o
This. My SIL recently found out she was pregnant, and she told me not to tell anyone. I was SO tempted to tell my mom and a couple mutual friend, but I didn't. Pregnancy is a happy, juicy secret and though you may find her ultimately trust worthy, baby secrets are almost never kept a secret. I find the idea of your SIL blabbing much much more viable of a possibility than your MIL breaking in and snooping through your belongings.
This sounds exactly like something that would happen to us. I don't have an answer for you other than YOU can't be the one to confront her your DH has to do it. MIL's have a weird way of getting defensive when something comes from the wife.. well mine does anyway.
When we get pregnant we are not telling anyone either until the three month mark, and if anyone asks, I will be lying!
All I have for you is sympathy.. sorry
That's a difficult situation. Moving out would be ideal but I'd guess it's probably not a viable option right now. Here's my story of a pg leak and misunderstanding.
I'm also in my first trimester (1st baby) and only told my sister because we're very close and I needed support (she's got 2 young kids) as I'm dealing with the physical changes my body's going through. We're going to tell our families around xmas time and last week I get this email from my sister's childhood friend's mom congratulating me about my baby! She's in the same town as my mom and they sometimes get together. I immediately called my sister thinking she blabbed to her friend who then told her mom. I went after my sister. After email exchanges it turns out that mom made a mistake and sent a congratulatory email to me instead of the intended person- we share the same name. She had no idea I was having a baby, but since I immediately assumed she knew I was the one who ended up spilling the beans. Thankfully, this mom is trustworthy and she agreed to keep our secret.
So maybe the best approach is to have your DH question your MIL without confirming anything if that's what you want to do at this point. My gut instinct hearing your story was to proceed with your plans of telling family later with lots of comments like. "I can't believe how quickly it happened. We weren't even really trying!" And like some others said if DH relatives ask questions about TTC or infertility, etc. ask them where they heard that and set the record straight immediately. At this point, I'd probably try to steer conversations away from pregnancy talks with your SIL until after you tell your family. I know it'd get my blood boiling and expend unnecessary energy on a person (MIL) who doesn't deserve that much attention.
But I'd definitely have your DH (and you) confront your MIL at some point.
It sounds to me like your MIL has a personality disorder. I would be surprised if this was the first extremely insenstive thing she has ever done.
I agree with everyone that said your husband needs to talk to her first. He needs to try to figure out why she thinks you are pregnant, why she thinks you have infertility problems, why she feels the need to share that personal information and set clear rules for the future. He also needs to let her know how you feel and how he feels. I would not be the one to do this...you could tell her I she made you feel after but if you tell her first you will be protrayed as the mean DIL no matter how you say it.
Good luck with your pregnancy and your relationship with your MIL. My grandmother (dad's mom) has done things like this her entire life and still does in her 80's. This has obvioulsy impacted my mother's life greatly. My grandmother is completely narcissitic and would tell people other's personal information to make herself seem more interesting and exciting to talk to.
Some people seriously have no tact or class! I've never responded to one of these before, but felt compelled based on the absurdity of your situation...
In my opinion, you have EVERY RIGHT to confront her without coming right out and confirming your pregnancy - saying something like, "We've heard from more than a few people over the past two weeks that you're telling everyone that we're pregnant and that it's a secret, yet not once have you come to us to confirm this matter before spreading work out around town." Then stop talking, just look at her and wait for her to respond...
I've always thought that many mothers are overprotective of their sons, and once they start dating, it gets even worse. Once the son is married - watch out! There's always a reason to keep your eyes open to strange, jealous or overprotective behavior, as the son's wife. Assumptively saying, with the distant MIL-SIL relationship you described, it sounds like the MIL has a few issues that eliminate the trust people give her.
Again, while i haven't been through it, I think controlled confrontation will help in this situation, giving you the floor to say what you need to say, then keeping quite so she can respond. No outcome here is "the right" outcome, but for the sake of your family (you and your husband), you need to let others know that it's not their place to pry.
although i think you definately need to confront this woman, becasue even if your H or SIL told her, it is not her job to go around and inform every person she knows, not to mention spead lies about it, however it sounds to me that this is probably not the first or last time she will interfere in your lives, my guess is anything you do say will fall on deaf ears, move if you can manage to, even if that means living a more frugal life for a while and try and keep this woman out of your life as much as possible and do not let her or anyone elses comments or crazyness ruin this happy time for you. the best revenge is living well.
SCREENING TESTS FOR GENETIC PROBLEMS frequently come back with FALSE POSITIVES. Read "The Pregnancy Book" by Dr. Sears. He explains why only certain people should even investigate these tests because they are so misleading. Please NEVER consider ending your pregnancy because you have a positive, because 90% or more of the time, the positive IS A FALSE POSITIVE AND YOU WOULD BE ENDING YOUR CHILD'S LIFE. I HAVE NO IDEA HOW PEOPLE END THEIR CHILD'S LIFE IN THE FIRST PLACE, EVEN BECAUSE OF A GENETIC PROBLEM. THIS IS NOT YOUR DECISION TO MAKE. THESE ARE THE PEOPLE WHO NEED TO BE ON THE OTHER END OF THE BARGAIN.
Don't be too afraid of letting people in on the joy in your life. As a mother of a two year old, a mother of an angel, and a mother who just successfully completed her first trimester of baby #3, I don't know how I could have made it through this third pregnancy WITHOUT the support of my family. They have known since day one. If things don't work out, people will not look at you as if you've failed. And if they do, then you know which people you need to say "Adios!" to! Good luck. And say "pass" on those screening tests. They are completely misleading. You can read about this in the Dr. Sears' "The Pregnancy Book". You will be completely stunned.
I can not possibly relate to the miserable situation you have found yourself in, but I would recommend not stooping to your MIL's level. Stick to the facts, or better yet, your husband should stick to the facts in his conversation with his mother. Your assumptions of how she found out are just that - assumptions. Stick to the truth, stick to the facts, and do not accuse. This is your opportunity to show your MIL & your extended family & friends how much more mature you are than she is. Your husband alone, or the 2 of you together, should let her know that if & when you choose to get pregnant, you will keep the information to yourselves until . . . . (specified trimester) of your pregancy. If she can not contain her need to gossip about information that is not hers to discuss, then you will need to put more distance between your family-possibly-to-be and interfering influences.
As many others have said - you need to move further away. An infant does not know a thing about standard of living - what they understand is love, food, & comfort. It sounds like your MIL's daily involvement in your child's life is likely to be a source of a lot of tension - which your child will not appreciate - now or later.
Best wishes for your growing family!
Congratulations !! I am sooo very happy for you and your husband !!!
The stress you are going through is really not good for you - its a shame people are not as nice or respectable as they should be.
I have one word of advice, which is probably going to be difficult, costly and a big pain for you and your husband for a few years, but it's worth it in the end
MOVE ! Move as soon as you can. It will be a peace of mind for you !
You and your baby need that now ! MOVE !!
It's not just the snooping through your bag - It's the eavesdropping. Maybe not with your husband - but when you are on the phone with your mom or your doctor. You will never know the truth and you should be enjoying your pregnancy - you should be able to be free - not paranoid and afraid and suspicious of people who are suppose to be sending you and your husband Love and peace ! Nothing is worth that !
It will only get worse when the baby is born !
I wish you peace and prayers for a wonderful pregnancy and painless birth :>
Your Husband needs to make a prompt phone call and have a deep discussion with his Mom, or better yet, a lunch date between the two of them. This is wrong on so many levels.
#1 - the very obvious fact that she was snooping through your personal belongings.
#2 - Spreading lies (fertility issues that aren't true)
and finally #3 - taking the joy out of you telling the good news.
I would request this of him immediately.. he needs to tell her how much it has hurt the both of you and question her as to why she felt it was any of her business to tell. =
I think you are barking up the right tree on this one (mental health issue). You would not believe the stories I have, just none about things she has done to my husband and I (usually his other 2 brothers because they are kind of sketchy themselves, so it's always like some type of argument is going on between her and them taking sides and whatnot). Since her weird behaviour was never directed towards us, it was never really a problem until now.
I hope, if she did go through my purse, it was because she had a suspicion and was too excited to resist...but then again, that doesn't explain the whole fertility lie thing.
Although it is horrible, it's nice to hear that others have similar experiences (your story) with in-laws. I feel for your mother. I am just hoping it was a one-time thing for my MIL towards me since we've never ever had any issues or even arguments before. We shall see...
Thanks for your suuport
Thanks for your comments, they actually make me feel more secure in confronting her. I would never do it in a tactless manner, but more of a concerned one, but I think it is definitely warrented. It just bothers me -- no matter how she found out -- that she told people knowing it was a secret, even if she wasn't the original "secret keeper".
Thank God someone addressed this part of her story.
So Maddie any news on the situation?
And congratulations of course.