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BIL asked H for expensive gifts infront of his kids
sorry its long-
BIL caught H off gaurd when he was at the family storage. We have seen BIL at 2 family functions & he came by our new place twice like always asking for things & that is why we avoid him. My H Used to put up with it, now we make ourselves unavailable for him to try.
The kids where with BIL & it came up that they where getting an XBOX 360 console in the process BIL asked H for games pretty much as many as he could get, then the kids joined in the chant & said a bunch of games, then H said well I dont know maybe one or two.
Point being we try to get all extended familys kids the same thing varying by ages & sex. Spending about 10 per kid after buying for so many kids it can get expensive. A few Xmas's we did go all out & spend 20 perkid. With the recession & we are expecting a new baby we save what we can.
When it comes time for BIL & his family to give-they have 3 kids we have one it seems like the exchange rate isnt so good. I know its not about how much people spend but for some reason to others thats what counts. Our kid gets a $5 gift normally & one Xmas they did gift $15 I think cause they new we went all out that Xmas. 4 Xmas's later, This Xmas I was just going to get the larger families Sponge Bob Monopoly, to avoid conflict I stayed in the $30 range & got 1 game on sale & 2 items that went with age & sex.
BIL is unavoidable during holidays we got to thier parents & everyone is there. I dont see them getting our kid a game, not to mention our kid gets musical instruments that I get third off cause I buy at a warehouse & art supplies, if the grandparents get him something thats fine. We have done without a few Xmas's. I dont see buying $30 games for 3 kids=100 vs 5 dollars for our kids. I know its not the kids fault & I didnt want to be petty.
He didnt have to put him on the spot what is that teaching his kids? I know one of his kids always ask for expensive things last time we didnt cave. This time I didnt completely cave I stayed in the price range, it shouldnt be condoned. For once I would love to treat others how they treat people to see how it feels if I do it would be offensive.
I told my mom & she said that if my H wants to get them all these things thats between them, it would be out of BIL using his kids as a guilt trip like always. If I argue about it it would put a strain on our relationship, yet wouldnt his brothers behavior put a strain on our relationship.
How do I handle Xmas the last few holidays over there his parents are always nice but BIL & his family always ignores me reads magazines since then I eat with the kids. Perhaps since I am so far along maybe I can get out of it. As for our kid BILs family has always ignored thier b-days.
Thanks so much for your time & I just really felt a need to vent. H & I have discussed how it wasnt appropriate, yet he is blinded by his brother guilting him into doing stuff. He did see my points. We havent enabled in a year thats got to count for something.
Re: BIL asked H for expensive gifts infront of his kids
get each kid the amount you were going to spend on them on a gift card to gamestop. Like each kid gets a gamestop gift card for X amount. This is what I would do.
And put an end to this BIL crap. Don't avoid it.
Sara, Friend?
glove slap. I don't take crap.
Actually it is not between your H and his brother. It is between YOU and YOUR H.
Sara, Friend?
glove slap. I don't take crap.
I just wanted to say thanks so much for your replies. You know my family & friends would never do such things. I suggested a gift card, they live in the country & we live in the city. I totally agree it is between me & my H. BIL just somehow manages to catch H off gaurd its always so random. I dislike interacting with people like that. Perhaps he is angry because we dont allow him to really sink his claws in us, it shows desperation when he brings up things infront of the kids. It Is in poor taste.
My H does have some sort of job security but they just laid off a bunch of people. BIL isnt doing so good, he manages his money poorly & blows off good oppurtunities, we had tried so many times to help after they lost thier real dad. Then we moved away & just gave up. I would like to try to find a polite compassionate solution, its hard to when others arent so.
I felt like the wicked queen for thinking so. This just isnt the true spirit of Christmas. All our gifts we give are thoughtful maybe not as expensive but still classy & nice. I hit the 50% sales at places like Hobby Lobby & get really great coupons (at hobby lobby garden gnomes are 50% off as well alot of neat creative things), Kohls was good we earned Kohls cash, and sometimes I buy gifts way in advance. Our kid gets art supplies & music supplies, the only other gadgets he gets are from my parents & H's parents get science stuff.
Our kid was with H when BIL did this, & he commented on how greedy it seemed. Its really bad if an 11yr old comments on something like that especially about an adult. My son works for his allowance & saved up for his own account & uses it only with permission for his hobbies, he also got a 300 dollar key board that he saved & did extra chores for it took him months did the same for his new bike its so nice to know that he is learning things that will help him when he is older & does it on his own.
He sold some of his old things for Xmas gift money gave all his old clothes to the homless shelter Im very happy that he doesnt act like that, & its sad to say I wish my BIL who is almost 40 had 1/2 these attributes.
Just b/c BIL asks for things like that in front of his kids doesn't mean your H has to buy them! As my dad used to say "asking ain't getting."
I can't figure out if you already purchased their gift, but if not, buy ONE game the whole family can enjoy. $30 = 3 kids x $10 per kid.
If you already have a gift in mind or that you purchased - - give that! It's not YOUR job to give his kids anything! Presumably, if they like games so much, their parents will buy them.
You can't change your BIL, but you don't need to cave into his every demand, either. In the future, your H can say "thanks for the ideas."
I have given my siblings idea lists for my children. I try to find things in their budget, but it's just an IDEA - they are free to choose something else!
My son picked out a 20 dollar skate board game, they have a 5yr old boy, 11yr old boy & a 13 yr old girl & all of them are into games now. So we got a skateboard game it was $20 dollars & its not gory like the others we saw. A lego star wars set for $6 for thier youngest, & then a $5 make up kit that was half off at kohls its really nice. So we generally did spend the right amount, its just I know that gifting 3 kids can be tricky they all want to open something. I think next yr it will be a group gift & the youngest can open it.
My H's MIL is great she gifts science & art stuff & focuses on the younger kids, I get the general idea she feels the same way about BIL we never talk about it. I think I will use that "Thanks for the ideas" that can be used in so many ways!
Yeah I would just give one $30 game or 3 $10 gift cards to walmart or wherever.
Giving the kids what they want would actually be doing them a disservice in the long run. They are learning that being rude and forceful gets them what they want, so there is no reason to stop.
I like that, the town they live in walmart is 30 miles away & besides the local grocery the only place to shop so they would have to make it count.
I think next yr 10 dollar gift certificates will be the the thing to do even though I hate gifting dollar amount gifts, it seems to those kids no matter what occasion 20+ is the going rate. 1yr the older girl commented on the gift she got saying oh I saw this at such n such, meaning I know u didnt spend that much so i got her the same gift this yr to prove a point. This is the 1st yr that the youngest started acting that way, & the older son has been known to ask for expensive things.
I think I will gift the girl the same exact thing every yr, just for being snooty.
I can't help but feel like BIL has been doing this for a long time, and now that you have minimized his access, he is grasping at straws aka his kids. You need to keep firm because it seems like BIL will take you and your H for whatever he can. One game is the best idea I have heard. But if you want to make a point to BIL that you won't be giving into guilt and demands I would get them a gamestop/walmart card with X amount and say YOU are going to take them after Christmas. At that point you can tell the kids they can combine their gift cards and get one game everyone wants or get something small for each person. They sound like they are starved for real parenting, which is why they became a rude chanting mini-mob.
Check us out
Well as far as I can gather his brother has always been that way. My husband did live in Florida, returned to help the family when real dad was very ill I met H a few months before his father passed. In someways I can see how he feels obligated, yet at the same time I think its wrong for BIL to take advatage of that. I just know his family isnt at all like his brother & are very nice & respectful. To be honest I dont think the family knows what to do about it. So far keeping him at a distance & being unavailable has helped, until his brother acts better we just will simply not be around. I did tell H that he wasnt BIL's dad not to let him suck him & it seems like its always something & that I didnt like the way BIL was treating the family. H was quiet for a day & got over it quick when he realized I was only making the points that he has made himself. Its nice to know I can opt out of BILs visits here, I suggested visiting BIL at his home & H didnt seem to bothered by the idea at the same time not making any future plans other than Xmas. Uses work as an excuse he does that on his own.
"I don't take catalog orders"
"We're not giving gifts this year, we're givng to charity instead"
"It's rude to ask people to give you things"
"Please don't talk to me about this; we'll do what we do about presents"
"if you say anything else you won't get a thing"
Way to teach his kids to be greedy! H should just say, "maybe Santa will bring it for you."
I'm so glad that my H and all 7 of his siblings buy for our/their own kids/grandkids. With 18 nieces and nephews it would be way too much to have to go and get something for everyone. Some people need to teach their kids that there are people in the world who aren't even lucky enough to have food on Christmas so they need to quit focusing on the greed and be thankful for what they get.
I don't know why you are so bent-out-of-shape about the absurd requests. Simply, you ignore them. You are not, sadly, Santa. You have very nice gitfs in mind. I don't know why you are getting detrailed.
At all.
Actually Im not, we have 20 to 30 other kids that are fine with what we get & everyone in the family both sides work together cept BIL. BIL Is the type u give him an inch & he will take a continent. It seems like after several years, that 90% of the time we see BIL one of the 1st things out of his mouth is what he wants we started saying no a few years ago & he hasnt changed plus the downside his kids are sounding like him as they grow older. I do agree ignoring has helped. People using thier kids as a guilt trip ALL the time is not an excuse.
I agree with your mother - it's between your husband and his brother. Stressing about it, or giving DH stress about it will only make you the looser in the end. It would be better if your husband had a friend in his corner with creative solutions, than someone irked about the situation.
Though I see your point, what your household's practice/traditions in the gift-giving department is irrelevant for your BIL, because he isn't part of it, wouldn't have a reason to remember it even if he had been told. I agree, however, that the BIL and his children shouldn't expect a slew of presents - and think that your BIL "well, maybe one or two" may have been a deer-caught-in-headlights answer. Something along the lines of "Well, we'll see what happens." or putting it back on BIL with, "well, I'm sure Santa will bring you lots, so I'll just think a bit more with what to gift your family."
For a cheapy way of doing things, do you have a store in town that buys back used videos? My son buys used ones, and trades in older games for a discount on newer ones. Maybe you can stick to your budget by buying a single used game? (I mean, if you/your DH wants to get a game at all.)
My H has 2 other brothers & a sister, I have 4 brothers, with thier kids & grandkids for all extended family we had already agreed verbally to each other that giving the same gifts would be best & would get us out of these type of problems BIL is the only one that has a problem with it.
Our family does the "steal your neighbors presents game" w/ a few personalized gifts for the youngest children & the elderly. When BIL asked H did say we will see what happens. I did bring up getting game fly for a month for the same price as one game would cost, but we couldnt find gift certificate that covers gamefly, & do not want to add them to our account.
My son suggested a few gaming places in our area, so I have been trying to be helpful not just irked. I think its more about dreading Christmas dinner & having to interact w/ him & his family they have always ignored me if they where not asking about Algebra or something or trying to implicate me in thier mess, maybe Ill get a magazine like his family does & read it & ignore some of them Im not rude. I can think of 4 of thier family members including my H that is kind of fed up & tired of it all.
Even when my H lost his job & we found a way to get all the kids gifts some home made some from the dollar store. As we became more successful its like BIL started expecting more & more. On that note when H didnt have a job BIL left us w/ a bill & since then we have told him no & kept all our affairs seperate, seems like he thinks we cant tell his kids no.
Also we stopped helping & getting involved when e found out he spends a good amount of money on pot.
To us success is being frugal & saving for the things you need, then the things you would like to have.
let them ask all they want. asking does not = getting.
i completely understand about $ limits for the holidays. when you have to get everyone something it really really adds up fast. good for you for sticking to your financial guns. it's your money and you choose how to spend it-no matter what bil asks for.
Why didn't he say something? "I think that's out of our budget, we'll have to leave the game buying to your dad"
And just stick to your budget, Just because they ask for something doesn't mean they're going to get it. If they complain when they open the gift let them know that "a game for each of them is not in your budget, if they are not grateful for what you get them then you don't need to get them anything next year."
I disagree with this (and the mother) that it's between the BIL and DH, because in the end finances are both DH and wife. I think setting a budget for gifts for extended family members and sticking to it is healthy between husband and wife, and if husband is having difficulty with his side of the family he can consult his wife if needs some pointers on how to address his brother next time. Why make a budget with DH if he's going to possibly cave the moment his extended family throws a fit or asks for a specific $ amount?
I liked the santa suggestion: "You should put that on your list for Santa." and having other common responses on hand for when BIL is pushy other times.
I disagree with this (and the mother) that it's between the BIL and DH, because in the end finances are both DH and wife. I think setting a budget for gifts for extended family members and sticking to it is healthy between husband and wife, and if husband is having difficulty with his side of the family he can consult his wife if needs some pointers on how to address his brother next time. Why make a budget with DH if he's going to possibly cave the moment his extended family throws a fit or asks for a specific $ amount?
I liked the santa suggestion: "You should put that on your list for Santa." and having other common responses on hand for when BIL is pushy other times.
I disagree with this (and the mother) that it's between the BIL and DH, because in the end finances are both DH and wife. I think setting a budget for gifts for extended family members and sticking to it is healthy between husband and wife, and if husband is having difficulty with his side of the family he can consult his wife if needs some pointers on how to address his brother next time. Why make a budget with DH if he's going to possibly cave the moment his extended family throws a fit or asks for a specific $ amount?
I liked the santa suggestion: "You should put that on your list for Santa." and having other common responses on hand for when BIL is pushy other times.
DH did consult with me. I think from now on I will buy thier gifts ahead of time. Today MIL stopped by, its only been her 2nd visit here she had a dr.'s appoinment. She said that they where not getting the grown ups anything they where focusing on the kids, that is fine I agree with that. We usually get them a crock pot or fondue or something for the kitchen cause they always host nice dinners my son always gets the grandparents something.
She asked but didnt pry if we had been out to see BIL & we where like uh no & it seems BIL is having a hard time as usual do to poor judgement, the poor judgement perhaps came from drug use or not having the money to support his habit thats what I thought to myself. Then MIL commented on the 5k in farm supplies she was getting from logging & wanted DH to work on some landscaping building up her pond n stuff. Im all anout Dh helping his parents, yet Im thinking pay BIL to do it if he is hurting so bad, thats another thing why do people ask people to do stuff when they know they bust thier butt & not ask anything of the lazy people who can drive 6 hrs away make a large drug purchase. Not to mention when thier oldest son broke his arm on a bike with no breaks its like BIL has money for drugs but doesnt have money to get his son a new bike, that is neglect. I dont think MIL knows everything.
Instead of getting involved we stay away.
DH said that I could opt out of this Xmas dinner, that is a nice he said he can go & drop off the gifts. Next year we are already planning a nice trip all these things my husbands idea, good for him I didnt have to say a thing.
Now Im not sure to discuss If his brother shows up here unannounced. I think peoples fianances are thier buisness & I may remind people of that. If MIL gets something nice like farm equipment good for them! It does seem like MIL puts there needs 1st & thats how it should be. Always put your family & thier needs 1st. His parents are older & want are working on thier property value nothing wrong with that. It reminds me of the ant & the grasshopper story.
I just wanted to say thanks so much, this has inspired me to get Aesops Fables for the youngest child.