Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Husband wants to "opt out" of Christmas
My husband and I have been married for just over a year, and are celebrating our 3rd Christmas together. We recently were asked to spend Christmas with my grandparents, about 250 miles from our home. We rarely see family, and live too far away from each of our parents to see them for holidays. I jumped at the opportunity to see family, my husband wanted to "opt out". I grew up with my grandparents, and have spent every Christmas for the last 20 years with them.
It started when the husband said "he would be bored". Now the story has evolved into "he has work to do" or "the roads might be bad". I've heard every excuse in the book, but he's unwilling to budge. He refuses to go. He has enjoyed the last several Christmases with them, and normally doesn't want to leave. This year, he told me that I was welcome to leave him home and go, but he was staying home for Christmas.
Now I feel that he is forcing me to choose between my family and him. I'm not sure what to do. Right now, I'm leaning towards visiting family alone before the holidays, and then spending Christmas at home with him. My family wont understand. I don't understand. Need advice.
Re: Husband wants to "opt out" of Christmas
Have you agreed in the past that you will spend every Christmas with your family? Or do you decide on a year-by-year basis?
How often does he see HIS family, especially for the holidays? Have they ever invited you to spend Christmas with them? Have you set up a trade-off thing where you've already spent a holiday with them this year (like Thanksgiving with your husband's family, Christmas with yours)?
You need to talk to him at a calm time, and find out WHY he doesn't want to go. Is he upset that you've always gone to your family's home for Christmas and never his? Is he not in the mood to travel? Are your finances tight this year and a trip would just make things tighter? Does he want a quiet Christmas at home with just the two of you? (Especially if you are considering having children soon, assuming you don't have any now ... maybe he wants a private Christmas just once before that happens?)
Pick a calm time, sit down with him and talk this over. He MUST have a reason for not wanting to go, especially if he's enjoyed the trip in the past. Don't get angry or accuse him of anything ... "H, I want us both to enjoy this holiday. So please tell me why you don't want to visit my family this year, and then we can work together and come up with a plan we're both happy with." Maybe that means seeing HIS family for Christmas, or just spending a private holiday at home with just the two of you ... and maybe you can schedule another opportunity to go visit your family.
Does he ever get to spend any time with his family at Christmas or any of the other holidays?
Do the 2 of you have your own traditions/celebrations?
Maybe he is just sick of Christmas always being spent with your grandparents, maybe he really wants to just stay home with you.
Just because you have spent the last 20 Christmases with your grandparents, its unreasonable to expect that tradition to continue for ever. Your DH should have just as much say in what you do and where you go.
Have you ever talked to him about Christmas plans, or did you just unilaterally decide Christmas will be spent w/ your grandparents? I get that you enjoy spending it w/ your grandparents, but you're married now- this needs to be about him too.
I think you need to start there.
And you need to worry more about him than you do about your family "Understanding". When people get married, it often means everyone has to adjust to new traditions.
If this is the issue, it also speaks to your communication issues w/ one another that he can't talk to you about this.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
If his story is changing, I don't think he's being completely honest with you. (And citing the possibility of bad weather more than a week ahead of time is just lame.) I think the first reason ("he would be bored,") is closest to the truth. I would imagine that he just doesn't feel the same level of happiness driving four hours to see your family as you do.
That being said, there needs to be compromise. Maybe this Christmas, you two decide to do your own thing (whatever that may be). But he needs to understand that he can't play the "bored" card every time. He needs to take consideration your wants into the picture as well.
Start alternating between what he wants to do vs what you want to do on holidays.
This, and you mention you jumped at the opportunity - did you ask your DH first before committing you both to go? If yes, then you've pushed your DH in a corner. If he goes he'll be miserable (he has expressed not enjoying Christmas with your grandparents, whether you understand or not) and if he doesn't go then he knows you're going to resent him for not going. This is not fair to him. You should make these decisions as a unit and compromise, and then tell your family what your decision is afterward. I just hope you're not planning on trying to persuade him even more into going...
To me, I would get to the root of why he doesn't want to go. His answer changes everytime.... and now he is ok with being alone for Christmas? Something is not adding up here....
You need to talk to him calmly about it. I think something is eating at him.
As far as your family is concerned.... why would your family NOT UNDERSTAND that you and your H want to spend christmas at your house? I think they would,.... they might give you flack... but just say this is just what we decided this year.
Sara, Friend?
glove slap. I don't take crap.
OP, it could be that that he might not have enjoyed himself at your grandparents as much as you think, and he might have been putting on an act to be polite.
You shouldn't have made plans involving your dh without discussing it with him first.
This. Totally.
Since we have been together, H & I have done something different for holidays each and every time. There is no "standard" as we determine what works for us that year, based on both of our schedules, and preferences and other issues (like budget for flights, weather (because there is ALWAYS bad weather up here that time of the year...it is not just a "possibility"....that may delay flights or make driving more dangerous or impossible). We rarely see our families either (I have not seen mine in more than a year) as we don't live near them, but we still have to decide what works for us as a couple. Sometimes that means spending it alone, sometimes it means seeing family a few weeks before or after Christmas, sometimes it means spending it with his family, or my family. We just stay flexible.
You two also need to communicate and figure it out. It may mean you spend it apart this year, or together at home, or heck, on a beach in Mexico. But at the end of the day, you cannot worry about what your other family members "expect" or "understand"....you are not responsible for their expectations and so forth about it. You two need to figure out what works for you.
Just because you have done something one way for 20 years, does not mean it must continue that way, nor does it mean he must also do the same thing as you.
Remember that he is your family, too.
I agree with the pps who said that perhaps he didn't enjoy Christmas with your grandparents as much as you think. Even if he did, every once in a while it's nice to do something different. Especially when that means you can stay home for the holidays instead of traveling. We always go to our families in NJ for Christmas, but a few years ago we'd simply had enough decided to stay home. We missed seeing everyone, but it was a wonderful change of pace.
You and your DH really need to sit down and talk about your expectations for the holidays. If you haven't already, make sure you're explicit about how you plan to handle them. Maybe you want to spend every other Christmas with your family. Maybe you want to play it by ear each year based on how you feel (in which case I'd set a deadline for deciding on your plans and talk about how you handle it if the two of you disagree on where you want to be).
Spending the last 20 Christmases with your grandparents is a nice tradition, but you're married now so you have to expect that some of your long-standing rituals may change. Obviously, your DH isn't as into it as you so you'll need to work on creating new traditions for the two of you. As for your family not understanding, that's on them. If they can't realize that you're married with a new family of your own now then that's their problem. You have to worry most about pleasing your DH and yourself; mom, dad, grandparents, etc. are all secondary to that.
Good luck!
I was pretty bummed out myself when my H and I planned to leave town for my family christmas party this past weekend. He was all gung-ho on going for the month prior but then a week before the party he decided he didn't want to go. He said it was because he was afraid of getting stranded if we got bad weather. Eventually I lost the battle and we didn't go, but since we got 8" of snow this past Sunday night it was a good thing we stayed home after all.
I wouldn't ditch my husband on Christmas. I agree that you probably should have discussed it with him before agreeing wtih your grandparents to go. Now everyone is going to have their own feelings of "blah" over the whole thing.
Thanks to everyone for your input. To clarify; we haven't commited to going yet. In fact, I have yet to call my family back and iron out plans. In years past, we have split the holidays. We normally spend Christmas Day with my family, and Christmas Eve with his. I asked him if he'd rather go and see his family for the holidays, and he said no. So I'm thinking it has something to do with travel perhaps, rather than my family.
After having a long conversation about it, he kept coming back to the same point "I'd be bored" and "I don't want to". I feel bad for having this ongoing argument with him, but I can't help but feeling that just because he's choosing not to be with his family on Christmas, should he have the right to keep us from seeing mine. Christmas is about tradition: new ones if needed, but family is really important. Just being "bored" doesn't seem to cut it for me.
Am I way over-reacting here?
So he's opting out of Christmas with his family as well as yours? I was going to say compromise: If you spend 5 hours with is family on Christmas Eve, then you spend 5 hours with your family on Christmas Day.
But if he's totally opting out, then I'd spend Christmas Eve at home with DH and go Christmas day (alone) with my family and have fun. I'm not letting someone else drag me down!
Hmmm... so he doesn't want to see ANY family at all? And all he can tell you is "I'm bored". SOmething else is going on - is there any chance depression could be an issue? Or has something else happened that might be playing into this?
I will say this- where before I said it sounded like you were making the choice for him, it goes the other way too- he doesn't get to just decide "I'm not going to see family" and that means you can't see family either.
On that note, yes, I would still go see my family at some point even if he doens't go.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Huh. I guess I'm a bit surprised at not seeing more of the "can't DH be your family now" persuasion.
I also don't fully fathom people who use holidays as some kind of more-important time for family, as opposed to the rest of the year.
Have you ever looked at it this way - he'd really like to just have it be you and him, the core family of you, be together and celebrate Christmas together? I think doing that would be way healthier as a married couple, particularly newlyweds, than trying to somehow split up just so you can go be with your grandparents to perpetuate a 20+year tradition. You aren't married to your grandparents, you're married to DH, and it is just quite possible he'd like to create some new memories with you that don't always entail a trip and being surrounded by family.
Case in point: DH & I opt for about one holiday every two years where we purposefully plan it for just us-four-no-more (includes our two tots). While it is definitely different than the houseful of family, we have experienced some awesome memories and been able to sit back and really appreciate each other.
Just saying - there are other ways to look at this rather than "oh no DH won't let me see my grandparents at Christmas." Don't put Christmas in a box.
No kidding. I can't watch Love Actually as foreplay before some awesome Christmas nookie with my parents/grandparents hovering nearby. (Of course, in our case we have to wait for the kids to go to sleep anyway, but at least we're quasi-alone after that.)
This. I hate to come off as a downer, but with grandparents especially, you never know which Christmas could be your last to spend with them.
I'm of the mindset that your husband is your priority family once you are married. I'm also of the ilk that compromised her own belief, and put family traditions (my family and his family) first and came to not only be locked into them unwillingly, but resentfully as well. Even those things that were once happy memories started to become obligatory in some fashion. Way worse once we had kids. It's a hard spot to break out of, and would have been easier, and kinder, for everyone had I not fell into the routine. Every post-holiday season, I would swear the following year would be different...but it never really happened. At least not cleanly, or fully. And every year could have been "grandma's last" and the year she passed, we had to continue because now Mom was without her "Mom" and our family was getting smaller, blah, blah, blah.
I don't see that he is making you choose between himself and your grandparents. He said that he would not resent you if you went - so my question would be, is your hesitation on taking him up on the offer because you do not believe that he would be fine with it? Or because you worry about how your grandparents would feel if you stayed or if he didn't show?
My advice would be to tell him that you are going to stay home with him and ask if he'd like to make any plans - just for the two of you to enjoy. Anything from just staying in jammies all day to hosting a party for friends. And let him know you are fine with it, but that you want to know what the reason for not wanting to visit either set of parents is about. Obviously there's at least some malaise about trips that goes beyond just traveling in bad weather - and if you two are really going to put one another first, then both of you have to be open.
It seems to me as if your H is being pretty considerate - you can visit your family, he just doesn't want to go. I find it odd that people are assuming that he could be cheating - - but if he said "I want a Christmas at home with you" he'd be controlling. The poor guy can't win!
If you have the time off, spend Christmas eve and Christmas with him, then take a few days mid-week to see your grandparents. Its nice to visit without the rush of the holidays - - you can concentrate on being together without worrying about cleaning the house or cooking for guests.
Maybe he had a bad time last year running from one house to the next, and said to himself "this is not how I want to spend my holidays." Be thankful that you can concentrate on visiting your grandparents without having to worry about your ILS.
Traditions and family are important, but DH is your family now. And you are starting a NEW life together. Some things are going to change.
I acknowledged that my idea that he was cheating was from out in left field...
Exactly. Had I known that my Mom's Christmas was going to be her last, I am sure it would have gone alot differently. Maybe that's why I feel the way I do.
Word. Rent Love Actually and Die Hard, buy a bottle of wine and enjoy your evening.
Make a nice Xmas for the two of you. Travelling for the holidays is a bad 'tradition' to start; and going every year to your family is not much fun for him, now is it? When will the two of you start your own holiday tradition? When will your dh not have to drive 8 hours on Xmas every year, or sleep in a strange bed Xmas Eve or Xmas night, not be home to talk to his friends nad family, etc?
I'm sure your family is lovely. But your dh is your primary family now; make your Christmas and your traditions with him. See your family or his the weekend before or after.
I hate going to the inlaws for Xmas. For a lot of reasons; but mainly I like having Xmas at HOME. Our home.