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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: Thats Mrs. MIL to you!
No, but I do not call them by their first names either, I call them by their title (Mom, Dad, Grandma, Grandpa, Aunt, Uncle). But my point was that you call people what they want to be called. I get being uncomfortable calling a MIL "Mom" when she is not your mom but you should not call her something she does not wish to be called.
When I moved further south, I noticed that all of my friends call people older than us by "Ms. First Name" or "Mr. First Name". It feels a little odd at first getting used to it, but maybe this could be a compromise between the two of you?
But really... I think she's fishing at getting you to call her "Mom" . I could never see myself calling J's mom "Mom" after we get married (especially since we would be together for so long before that happens... how do you switch from "FirstName" to "Mom" overnight? I'd feel a little awkward). I do call his grandfather by 'popie' though when I refer to him. I usually just avoid 'calling' them by name when I am speaking to his family members.
I don't get it. Calling her by her first name = disrespect? That's weird.
I have never had a close relationship with my mother (I was raised by my father and don't have contact with her today) and I can't even stomach calling my MIL "mom". She's not my mom. She hasn't earned that title. Insisting you call her that is disrespectful to you and your family. Furthermore, I think I would feel somewhat slighted if my daughter began calling another woman "mom". That's my name.
If you feel uncomfy calling her "mom" then go back to "Mrs. Lastname" (I agree it sounds silly now that you're married to her son) and if she asks why you're being so formal, tell her you're aware she prefers not to be called by her first name. End of convo. No further explanation necessary. Hopefully she'll get that you have a right to what feels comfortable for you. It's not all about her wishes.
I agree with the PP's that said it is a cultural/ regional thing. My MIL and I are really close, but I still (after being married for 7 years) call her Mrs. Lastname. I would feel rude calling her by her first name (she is not my girlfriend), and silly calling her Grammy- what my kids call her. Where I come from (Boston) this is not what everybody does, but not uncommon either.
We recently moved to NC and have shocked some people that we expect our kids to call adults by their last name or Ms. Firstname. One of my good friends here is from Iowa and thinks it's all weird. She grew up calling adults by their first name and teaches her kids the same thing. So maybe it depends on where you're from. But I would never call another adult by their first name unless I were invited.
I call my MIL Mom LastName. or Momma LastName or just first name. She tends to get really hung up on names though. She has an ongoing battle with SIL (her other son's wife) about SIL calling her FirstName only and not anything containing Mom. Sometimes I introduce her as, "This is my mother-in-law, FirstName." and she gets mad and says (to the person I'm introducing her to), "I like to think of myself as her other mother."
I just chock it up to her not having any daughters, and ignore it.
DH calls my parents mom and dad, but it took him a long time to get used to saying the word dad again. His dad passed away when he was 15 (he's now almost 30), so he said he was out of practice. My dad (or I for that matter) never asked him to call him that, he just took his time and eventually did it.
That all being said, I grew up in a house where you did not call an adult something other than Mr. or Mrs. LastName unless they themselves asked you to. I have several adults that I never felt comfortable just calling them by their first names so I call them Mr. or Mrs. FirstName. My SIL (my brother's wife) met my brother in kindergarten where my mom was their teacher's assistant. She had the hardest time calling my parents anything other than Mr. and Mrs. last name even a few months after the wedding. They kept telling her that she could call them mom and dad or FirstNames, whatever she was comfortable with, but she had a very difficult time, even though they had dated for 4 years. Now my parents are Grandma and Grandpa Boston, but that's a whole different story.
First, did you start calling her by her first name at her invitation? Because for to decide on the name change is kind of presumptuous.
Second, I wouldn't want to call my MIL "Mom" or any other form of it either. That's a title reserved for my mother. Fortunately my ILs told me when we first met that could call them by their first names. Prior to that I addressed them as Mr. & Mrs. Lastname.
I would either avoid calling them anything at all, and when you have kids, address her by what the grandkids call her (my mom did this) or have a discussion with her and address the issue. If she asks you to call her "Mom" or another mom name you're not comfortable with, you can tell her that you feel strongly about only calling your mother "Mom" or mom names.
YES! thank you! I think my MIL wants me to call her mom (and FIL, dad) she even mentioned it the day after my wedding!!!! but this makes me really uncomfortable. Maybe because my parents didn't call my grandparents "mom and dad" but... it just feels wrong. My mom is my mom, my dad is my dad. Like you said, the end!!
Easy fix. Ask her how she wants to be addressed.
If her answer is permissible by you, then address her how she wishes.
If it is not permissible, tell her that you can't for X* reason and then ask, "What's an alternative we can both be happy with?" Then, when grandkids come, call her grandma (or whatever title she gives herself for your kids).
*I couldn't find your stating that MIL wants to be addressed as "Mom" though I see other posters are discussing this - if your MIL has said that is what her desire is, and that's not what you want - ask about the alternative.
...this...
or I call mine Mama Lastname....
I agree it can seem a bit disrespectful if the MIL never invited you to call her anything else but Mrs. Lastname and you took it upon yourself without having a conversation. However, I feel that the MIL should now respect the fact that you aren't just a gf, you are a wife and part of the family. Not to mention that you are obviously not the 12 year old neighbor from across the street where that level of respect would be absolutely appropriate. Calling someone "Sue" as opposed to "Mrs. Lastname" is no less respectful when you are an adult and part of a family. It's just less akward and seems less "distant."
Maybe don't take it so seriously or personally though...hey, maybe she does want you to call her mom. But who would be that bent out of shape over it? I personally feel like (even with how close i have been with my future MIL over the years) that I have one mom and one mom only....I guess I just wouldn't rock the boat over it. There may be an approprate time, or a just perfect time down the road when the topic comes up and you can share your feelings. It's hard when your hearing things through the grapevine and potentially out of context.
Good luck!