A romantic goofball

RosieAndJefferyB · December 2010

My husband is a loving guy...but when it comes to romance he has no idea what to do! I have given him hints several times on what I believe is romantic...such as little notes in my lunch box, a flower on my pillow just because, a text message just to let me know he is thinking about me ect. Very simple things, not too hard to remember. Sometimes when I am trying to be romantic towards him, he turns it into a joke by poking my side and making a goofy comment or not really grasping that I am trying to be lovey dovey. I don't know if I am expecting too much or if he just ISN'T romantic! Any hints or ideas on what I can do to light his romantic fire?

mnj05 · December 2010

The next time he pokes you or makes a comment, stop whatever it is you're doing and explain to him that you are trying to be romantic. My DH used to do the same thing, until I finally got fed up one night and told him he keeps ruining the sweet moments by doing those same type of things. Once you explain you are trying to be romantic, he will start looking for it and become involved in it. It has taken me five years to get this across to my DH, so good luck!

RosieAndJefferyB · December 2010

That's a good idea, and I've tried it but maybe I need to be calmer in telling him haha. A friend of mine also said to stop doing the little romantic things for him, that he will miss them and start doing them to you in order to make you want to do them again. So both are worth a try!

oldbugle · December 2010

OK,...the thing to get in your mind is that we are not like you!...we have different circuits to women so, for us, being what you call "romantic" is actually about caring deeply with our innermost feelings. When we care about a woman we do things that may look quite boring to you,....making sure that she has an easier time with something in her life or that she does not get hurt,...or is more comfortable in some way. We DON'T normally think about the 'flower thing' without getting prompted,..and none of us really 'get it'!!!!.........

.........So, th efirst thing is to have a quick look around your life,....he may be being more "romantic" than you thought.

lavieboheme73 · December 2010

He may not be comfortable with the things you recognize as "romance". My husband thinks making little jokes and playing around with physical contact (tickling, poking, etc.) is cute and a fun way to show he cares without getting all deep and mushy and overly serious. Fortunately for him, I happen to agree. I think laughing together is the most intimate and romantic thing in the world! In our case, doing a lot of those things you mention seems overdone and contrived. Romance is best when it happens naturally and isn't done by a specific set of instructions.

Try talking to him outside of the moment instead of yelling at him when you're angry or your feelings are hurt. Find out what HE thinks is romantic and fun. I'm betting you it's way different than what you have in mind. I'm not saying you should totally go without flowers on your pillow...no girl should ever have to do that...but it probably wouldn't hurt to expand your own definition of what is really romantic.

One more thing: don't EVER create a "quid pro quo" type of situation by withholding romance from him if he doesn't "do it right." That is terrible advice, and a perfect recipe for unhappiness. Think how you would feel if you were doing something the best way you knew how and kept getting punished for it anyway...would you want to keep trying? I sure wouldn't!

lavieboheme73 · December 2010

Oops...didn't mean to say that twice! Why won't it go AWAY?!?!

DancingLikeTheCrackers17 · December 2010

I completely agree with PP about it being possible that his way of being romantic may be completely different than yours. My mom and I laugh about this all the time with DH and my dad. My mom is the kind of woman who loves getting things like flowers and that type of thing while my dad is more the practical type, like showing his love by filling her car with gas when she least expects it. I am a combination of the two. I like both the practical and the "old fashioned" way of romancing. DH is the practical kind, but if he hears me mention how sweet it is that my someone I know got flowers, I panics and thinks I mean that I also need flowers to feel special, We're still learning what the other's definition of romantic is, obviously.

RosieAndJefferyB · December 2010

I agree, I don't plan on taking my friends advice because I AM a mushy person and I DO want my hubby to know how much I love him in the little romantic ways I do. My husband is definitely the practical romantic and I guess sometimes I don't notice with the little things he does. Last night we were having a conversation about romance and he basically said he doesn't fully understand why I may need a little extra romance here and there. I come from a family where my dad was constantly showering my mom with romance and he came from a home where romance was and is unheard of. So I guess instead of EXPECTING him to do romantic things I will look for the little things that really count.

lifeguard · December 2010

Both of you studying up on the "5 Love Languages " should help.

Men tend to not be good with hints, esp, intuition, "knowing" etc. They also may miss the difference between warm romantic cuddling and wanting sex.

You have to look him directly in the eye while he isn't distracted. Speak slowly,clearly and leave no doubt.

RosieAndJefferyB · December 2010

"You have to look him directly in the eye while he isn't distracted. Speak slowly,clearly and leave no doubt."

I love that...thank you

charlotte.dewey · December 2010

I just wanted to say that I've read "The 5 Love Languages" book and it's GREAT! A must read for couples at any stage in their relationship. May not cure the problem that anyone is having, but what a great way to learn more and know more about your spouse/significant other!

briannaaa09 · December 2010

definitely read the Five Love Languages! just from your post, its very evident that your love language is gifts - his may not be. maybe he's showing you in another way that was never considered...and him reading the book as well will help him get your "language" better and make adjustments to how he shows you love/receives it from you!

scrappydoo92 · December 2010

My husband always says, "say what you want." Don't say "I'm thirsty, say I want water." Men need direct approach, they don't get hints. My sister's husband is ultra romantic, buys her flowers, writes her love poems, makes public gestures of affection and everyone says, "awwww!" . He also cheats on her. My husband is the more practical kind. Give me a solid man who shows he loves me by checking the tires on my car and calling to see how my day is going at work ANYDAY! I can buy my own flowers.

virginiabelle2000 · January 2011

5 Languages of Love is a great book. Another one you might want to try is called 101 Nights of Grrreat Romance by Laura Corn. It has 101 sealed pages of "romances". They are categorized by time, $$ needed, prep, etc. Some are for the woman to pull and perfom, some are for the men. Sit down on a Sunday night together and pick one. You are supposed to have 1 week to complete the "romance", but you never know when your husband will do it, so the anticipation is half the fun! They are not all about sex (though some most definitely are). Just cute, sometimes corny, romantic things like setting up a picnic dinner on the living room floor, etc. Things a romantically-challenged husband would never think of!

Maddiesmummy · January 2011

I would turn to astrology in a time like this. Chaces are, he;'s a Virgo or similar sign. If that's what he is, here is a good description of the Virgo man.

I have a friend who dates a Virgo and she complained about the same thing as you, I told her about astrology and she realizes now that he is not romantic because of his analytical mind. She knows that he loves her, but he shows it, not says it.

fairytalewife · January 2011

My DH is the same way honey! OMG but then I started looking around and opening up my pretty eyes and seeing that he does so much more for me than a note or flower or a gesture. When I cry he is there...When I am cold on the couch he will get me a blanket so I am warm...If I say something like I think I will make some tea he will sometimes do it just to be sweet in HIS WAY not mine! Sometimes he does other things like clean the kitchen if I am exhausted. If you want romance you create it and you need to realize that him being goofy is HIM! that is who you love that is probably something you fell in love with ! good luck!

krispylove · January 2011

RosieAndJefferyB:
That's a good idea, and I've tried it but maybe I need to be calmer in telling him haha. A friend of mine also said to stop doing the little romantic things for him, that he will miss them and start doing them to you in order to make you want to do them again. So both are worth a try!

I think the opposite is acutally true. I've found that my husband has been more responsive and romantic when I am making an effort to be romantic too. If you withhold romance, you will just build resentments. I also agree that reading 5 Love Languages is a great idea. We read that book 2 years ago, and I sometimes still refer back to it when I need to get grounded and get motivation for a rough spot in the relationship.

bf43005 · January 2011

Our Pastor asked us to read 5 Love Languages when we met before the wedding. It was a great help in finding out a lot about each other. I think it can give you a lot of prespective. I also agree that what he does for you may not be what you expect but that doesn't mean he isn't trying. Every morning my husband puts together my lunch. No note or anything, but he takes time out in the morning to do that for me. Appreciate the little things and don't always expect the big things. If he got you flowers every day would it be so special anymore?

Ms. Mamacita · January 2011

oldbugle:
OK,...the thing to get in your mind is that we are not like you!...we have different circuits to women so, for us, being what you call "romantic" is actually about caring deeply with our innermost feelings. When we care about a woman we do things that may look quite boring to you,....making sure that she has an easier time with something in her life or that she does not get hurt,...or is more comfortable in some way. We DON'T normally think about the 'flower thing' without getting prompted,..and none of us really 'get it'!!!!.........

.........So, th efirst thing is to have a quick look around your life,....he may be being more "romantic" than you thought.

i agree with this... my dh does not buy flowers or light candles (which I would love), but he feels cooking for me and us working out together is romantic...

ms_eaglette · February 2011

It's unlikely that he's ever going to be on the same page as you when it comes to the romantic gestures you are looking for. Some guys are tuned in, some are not. It depends on their personality and how they are raised.

My husband is. So is his father. He grew up seeing his dad leave his mom a note every single morning and he has carried on the tradition.

His brothers, who were raised in the same household and saw the same thing, have not. They have much different personalities, so even growing up in that environment didn't bring that out in them.

So like someone else stated...look around and see just what he does do for you.

melissjp007 · February 2011

Ladies- I used to feel the same way. But then, after talking to my husband...he explained to me that "guys have a different take on romance". His point was, that he started a life with me, and works hard every day so that we can have a good life together. It still bugs me that he doesn't buy me flowers, or tape notes to my steering wheel in the morning, or slow dance with me in the middle of the living room... but he does go out of his way to pick me up at work if it's snowing, and he doesn't want me to take the train home, and doesn't get upset when I kick him out of the house to have a wine night with the girls :-)

Think about it- does your man do little (maybe not so stereotypically romantic) things throughout the year? Because that could be him being romantic...in his own little way. These are the things I try to think about!

Da0419 · February 2011

lifeguard:
  Both of you studying up on the "5 Love Languages " should help.
  Men tend to not be good with hints, esp, intuition, "knowing" etc. They also may miss the difference between warm romantic cuddling and wanting sex.
   You have to look him directly in the eye while he isn't distracted. Speak slowly,clearly and leave no doubt.

Lol, so that's what I've been doing wrong! OP, I'm having a similar experience. Don't stop being mushy on his account; you'll just drive yourself nuts.

MegBuisson · March 2011

I know it sounds cheesy, but have you ever read the Languages of Love book? I have and I can say it helps. Not everyone expresses romantic sentiments the same way. My husband is a hopeless romantic and I am not. If you want me to get turned on, do the dishes; don't just say you love me and think I'm sexy. It might be a good read to help you understand your husband better.

ifwisheswerefishes · March 2011

lifeguard:
  Both of you studying up on the "5 Love Languages " should help.
  Men tend to not be good with hints, esp, intuition, "knowing" etc. They also may miss the difference between warm romantic cuddling and wanting sex.
   You have to look him directly in the eye while he isn't distracted. Speak slowly,clearly and leave no doubt.

This for sure!

petsy · March 2011

seemsthis is an usual problem for men:D

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projectbapt · March 2011

I would recomend watching mark gungor laugh your way to a better marraige. It's not like most pick on the men because they are not doing what they are suppose to do. But it is great because it really teaches both parties how to work together as a team. and if you have a great marraige you can watch this to make it even better!!

spagirl2010 · March 2011

I know what you mean. I have experienced the same thing. I actually had a talk with him and it seems to be working.

ten17 · March 2011

scrappydoo92:
My husband always says, "say what you want." Don't say "I'm thirsty, say I want water." Men need direct approach, they don't get hints. My sister's husband is ultra romantic, buys her flowers, writes her love poems, makes public gestures of affection and everyone says, "awwww!" . He also cheats on her. My husband is the more practical kind. Give me a solid man who shows he loves me by checking the tires on my car and calling to see how my day is going at work ANYDAY! I can buy my own flowers.

I completely agree with this statement.