Family Matters
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
In-Law's, Christmas, and Screaming...ho ho ho
DH hasn't gotten along with his parents for about 10 years. He got married young, they hated her. So of course, they turned it into a world tragedy that he was married...and then another that he was divorced.
Fast forward to the present. DH and I have been married less than two months. In the whole time we were married, it was constant battles with his parents. We could look at them the wrong way and BAM, huge fight.
DH had a few long talks with them, and things had gotten better. Until Christmas Eve.
We attend the same church as his parents, so we were all sitting together at the Christmas Eve service. The church was playing pre-recorded testimonies on bad things that had gotten better in church members' lives. They were sweet, meaningful, and amazing. Then DH's parent's appeared on the screen. And shared the "tragic" moment when their son moved out of their house. He "tore their family apart and walked away from Jesus". Because he married a woman they hated. People were turning and looking at us in the middle of church service. We had no idea this was going to happen, the in-laws never told us they recorded this.
DH and I left. FIL chased us outside and proceeded to tell us we were wrong for being upset, it wasn't about DH, it was about *their* struggle.
Now DH is refusing to talk to his parents. And they are playing the hurt parent role...again. Claiming they were only talking about something good that happened this year, they "got their son back".
Re: In-Law's, Christmas, and Screaming...ho ho ho
What a bunch of wackos.
Stay far, far away from them.
Oh my gosh.
This makes feel pathetic for being grumpy about my miserable week with my FIL...your ILs sound like really, really awful people. Wow.
I hope that you and your DH find the way to make things work in their presence, or without it, if comes to that.
that church sounds bizarre. find another one.
but back to the IL issue. i agree with pp=follow dh's lead on what he wants to do about this.
'their struggle' nothing. they knew it would be seen by you if you go to their church.
I know, that is what DH said. FIL said something about it was glorifying God. DH pointed out they could have pointed out something else 'good' that year, like my SIL getting over her drug problem. Appears that wasn't an option
They kept leaning forward and looking at us during the video to see how we were reacting. They thought it was the greatest thing ever.
No it was a way to punish and humiliate you two. Unless at the end they said something about his new wonderful wife.
In the end they only embarassed themselves. I can imagine that the majority of the church members thought what they did was terrible and felt so bad for y our guys.
Exactly. Wow. Just wow.
I'm sorry I should have been more clear. I mean how did they react t oe hte pg and the mc.
When DH told them: "oh...Well what are you going to do?" (my parents were thrilled)
When we heard the heartbeat: "Well, at least it is alive." (I've had a MC when I was younger, at 6 months)
When I MC'd: For 2 weeks after MIL was still telling us God would save the baby. Would stop the MC. Refused to accept it had happened. When she finally did, she told us not to TTC again.
This is nuts. Your inlaws are complete whackos. And I'm sorry; this is not a wonderful church, that would allow your inlaws to put such a story up there; and even if they really didn't know this was meant to humiliate the both of you, which I do not buy, this particular church, because your inlaws go there, is NOT a good church for you. They've perverted the use of your church and made it an instrument to punish and humiliate your dh and you.
Please find another place to worship, where these whacko's dramas are not part of the worship service. And stay away from these people, they're nuts nuts nuts.
This. Also, how was your DH moving out of the house worse than SIL's drug problem?
Did they actually record the bit about how good it was to get their son back? Or was it all about the heartache from 10 years ago?
And why is it all so fresh if this marriage happened a decade ago and ended in divorce anyway?
Your church is aware you both attend, they apparently think it's OK to hate people (much less their son's wife) and you think they are wonderful. No, no, no, no, no. God is not about hate and any church that thinks the ILs story is an inspiration should be avoided.
Stay away from these toxic people and find a new church.
I am so sorry for their reaction. My heart goes out to you. I wouldn't blame you if you wanted to never wanted to see them again.
A few weeks ago my pastor was talking about forgiveness. HE said that no where in the bible does it say we should forgive and forget. IT just doesn't work that way. We can forgive but people who have wronged us have to earn that forgetness or what he said, they have to earn t o be put back into your life. So frankly, if someone is toxic towards you, you have every right to protect yourself and not see them.
I too now am leaning towards not going to this church anymore. IT seems that it doesn't have good leadership, if they didn't realize how much this video would have hurt you guys. What your H did in his past isn't anyone's business.
Ok...Clarification needed here...
I read this as the video was about the low moment that happened a long time ago (when your husband married his first wife) and the video was talking about that as a bad thing that happened to them. And since the video was about bad thing that turned good, his family sees you as the good thing that happened to their family in 2010?
Other posters seem to think that your the bad thing that happened and they put it up there out of spite to humiliate you and your husband.
They do sound insane for hating his first wife that badly and holding onto that hatred for so long and for everything they said during your pregnancy and miscarriage and for those reasons, I would stay far away.
But to me, it does sound like their intentions weren't quite as evil as what PP might think.
Oh! And I am so sorry for your loss this year, and that your ILs didn't handle your miscarriage very well.
Ditto the idea of cutting contact with his parents.
Also, I know it must stink to have to find a new church, but I have serious questions about the judgment and professionalism of the pastor who thought that it was okay to show that video without getting your DH's express consent first. Think about it: to this pastor, your DH's feelings and privacy don't count as much as his parents' desire to publicly share their "trauma" with the rest of the congregation. I agree that this was an attempt by his parents AND by the pastor to humiliate and chastise your DH.
Find a new church where your DH can be respected as an adult in his own right, not portrayed as some type of prodigal son.
True, but I still think it wasn't their place to say anything about their son's personal life, especially since they knew he would be watching it.
It would kinda be like parents talking about their kid's former drug problem or eating disorder on the video for the whole church to see. Even if things are great now, that still wasn't their place to put it out in public like that without their son's permission. Those are very private issues that some people like to keep private.
The reason it was so offensive is they did not tell the whole story. They made it out that DH simply tore their family apart and walked away from Jesus. The "negative influence" he had on the family 'hurt them badly'.
What DH did: Got married. Bought a home, got a great job. No drugs, no drinking, unlike his sister. This parents would then stop by his home and scream/cuss about he needed away from his now-ex-wife. So he decided to not talk to them anymore. He cut out almost all contact. The "good thing" they were talking about is that since DH and I got together, he actually tried to have a relationship with them.
The only thing they mentioned about positives is that THEY never lost faith and continued to pray for him. Now he is back in their lives.
They continue to throw his ex wife in his face, that he walked away from them for her. Untrue. He tried to have a relationship with them, but they wanted their way or no way. Heck, his father has flat out told him "I love you because you are my son, but I don't like you as a person". Meanwhile, their daughter lives with them, her husband divorced her because she was cheating all across town, and she has a pretty big drug problem. But she's perfect, because she kisses their tails and stays in their home.
Honey, they are so messed up. Again I would follow your husband's lead and if he doesn't want to talk to them again for humiliating him in public like that, I wouldn't blame him. All you can do right now is support his decision.
Thanks for the followup. I didn't want to come across as defending them, because they are obviously insane, I just wasn't sure if they were saying that he left the family because of you or not. I can see more clearly now that this people need to be committed. I think you should cut them out of your lives, even if it means leaving the church. (and I agree with PP...what kind of church would allow a video like that to air during a service...totally insane)
I would ignore them and go with this. Sounds like there is a good chance him not cutting off contact with his parents at the first hint of craziness had an impact on his first marriage and he's learned from that.
Cut them off. It doesn't matter if they thought it would be flattering to you both by saying you're great now this year. It still is humiliating to have your husband portrayed as the son who left home for debauchery and tore the pious family apart, but then saw the error of his ways and came crawling back. I would be so humiliated.
I would at least look around for a church you like as much as this one. I think it's just too much to attend the same church at the same time. There's a potential for confrontation every single week. Does your church offer other times you could go? Times that they don't?
These people are crazy.