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MIL on our anniversary vaca?!?!?
So, my husband has been trying to plan our anniversary trip, with the destination unknown to me for the past few weeks now. Our anniversary is July 30, and we will only have been married a year. My husband is currently deployed, and left only 14 days after we were married. So far, my mother-in-law has been unbelievably ridiculous about EVERYTHING...however, that is a story for another day.
Since H is deployed to a base, we are able to talk at least once a day via Skype. A week ago, he called me and asked me if I would be okay with his parents coming on our anniversary trip with us. He said since I had already been to this undisclosed place, and him and his parents had never been, he thought we could go the first two days, then they could join us for the following three days. I was COMPLETELY speechless to say the least. I do not know what to do or say to him because I am NOT okay with this! Especially considering the fact that they almost CRASHED our honeymoon...if it wouldnt have been for my FIL, my MIL would have made sure they were there with us the entire time. My MIL has also tried to guilt trip my H into paying for their part of this trip (if it were to happen) and several other trips...
How do I put my MIL in her place without causing problems...or tell my H that boundaries need to be set?? ( I am a very non-confrontational person...)
Re: MIL on our anniversary vaca?!?!?
Your H seems to think it is perfectly ok for them to come along, so first thing's first. You and H need to get on the same page. Non-confrontational or not, you should be able to talk to your H and tell him that under no circumstances do you want his parents joining you on your vacation, and that should be the end of it. Let him clear up the issue with his parents. If he can't do that, you have a bigger problem on your hands.
When I read the title of this post, I thought, "Well, this is almost surely going to be about the H more than the MIL." And low and behold, it is!
Listen, your H is willing to invite his parents on your anniversary trip. After he's been deployed and away from you for a year. He is your H. The deal is, the two of you have to communicate about these types of things. Which means you have to tell him that you don't want them on this trip. If you don't tell him now, you are setting yourself up for 1.) a terrible trip and 2.) a lifetime of his parents playing a larger role in your life than you would want. This isn't about confrontation, it's about talking to your H about what you are and are not comfortable with in your relationship.
That said, I do think you should probably plan some time for him and his parents to get to see each other when he comes back. Remember - he's been away from them too, and he wants to see them too.
Ditto TNChickadee.
I don't understand how non-confrontational= not able to talk to your H. You have an overbearing MIL, and what sounds like a momma's boy H, it's past time that you talk to him about establishing some boundaries or your are going to be miserable.
If you're not comfortable with it, you just tell him that you feel like you two need time alone together. If you can't tell him that, you have bigger problems than a vacation dilemma. He's your husband. You're supposedly going to be with him for the rest of your life. You need to be able to tell him if something is not okay with you. Seriously.
This is a good point. Men like to fix things and solve problems and I bet he's thinking something along the lines of his wife and his parents are all going to want to spend some time with him when he returns (and he wants to spend time with all of you) and here is a great way to get that all done in one fell swoop. So either suck it up and deal with it (which you don't seem to want to do and I can't say that I blame you on that one) or tell him that you'd rather the trip be just the two of you and then maybe later the two of you can do a weekend getaway with his parents.
So why aren't you comfortable telling him you don't want them on your trip?
That's the part I don't think any of us are understanding. You married this man, you should be able to talk to him.
Dude. Just say no. This is not rocket science.
It is unbelievable that you MARRIED this man and yet you don't seem to think you can say no without there being a big issue about it.
I disagree. My Dh has been deployed and is getting ready to head out again. You have to still communicate when they are deployed. I hate when people say that you shouldn't talk about certain things while they are deployed. Trust me this issue isn't one of the ones that shouldn't be discussed, unless your Dh is a momma's boy, and he puts her ahead of you, and you know he's going to get upset or angery over this then I can kind of see why. But you still need to talk about this!
Tell him how you feel.
Please tell me you're 18. How old are you?
haha..21..and very new to this whole marriage/military/deployment thing. He was deployed two weeks after our wedding...I am just extremely unsure of how I should handle some of these things.
One of the greatest issues is the MIL issue. I know that boundaries need to be set, but I do not know how to go about doing this. I want to be sensitive to the fact that our time home is limited to 3 more years, while also making him realize that we should be able to have our alone time.
You can talk to him without it automatically being a fight, you know.
"Honey, I totally get that you want to see your family, but I'm not sure that our anniversary trip is the right time for it. How about if we all talk about it and figure out a time when they are free, that's NOT our anniversary, where you/we can spend some time with them?"
Telling him what you want is not nagging, unless you say it in a naggy way (like PP said, starting with "Your mother is so annoying" or "I can't believe you want your mom on our anniversary trip, you weirdo").
I'd also suggest that the two of you work out these communication issues ASAP. It's, frankly, a bit scary that he's your husband and you don't seem to know how to communicate with him. Seeing a counselor might be a wise idea ... maybe there's a resource on the base that can help get you started with this?
My family was with us on our week-long honeymoon except for the final 2 days. In fact, they were staying with us a few days before our wedding, too. When it came time for our one year anniversary, guess what? Apparently, my family had already made the reservations to come back out shortly after they returned home from our wedding (because that was their vacation time & it's not flexible.) DH & I had this one year anniversary visit from them sprung on us mere days before. We weren't too thrilled about it, but we managed to make it work, as we had with our honeymoon: you're more than welcome to be here & do your own thing, because we're planning on doing our own thing. If you'd like, we can share a day & a dinner but the rest of time is already set for our plans; please respect this.
Take it or leave it type of deal. If it's not something they're willing to work with, that is their problem. There's other trips & days of the year where you can all come together again. *Perhaps even have something else in mind... maybe a 3day weekend trip to a nearby city with the IL's or something along those lines where they still get that 'vacation' feeling with their son & you, but it's not intruding on your anniversary plans with your H. **It seems for your H, it's like 2 birds with 1 stone type of thinking here, whereas with you, it's a wrench getting thrown into the mix. Be honest with him & explain where you stand with everything & why. Hopefully you can come to a comprimise. {hope it helps & best of luck.}
I'm assuming you two are PSCing in 3 years, but that doesn't mean you have to spend every waking minute with his family. You have a Dh problem if you have to make him realize that you should have alone time.
Also deployments make people a little crazy. Some families won't have any don't try to communicate with the service member while they are away, but then complain that they never hear anything from them or they make a big deal about them being deployed. Others go a little over board and freak out that their baby is gone. It's like weddings, it brings out the crazy.
What branch is your H in? I agree with a PP that you should get into some sort of counseling so you two learn how to communicate better. There are many programs that bases offer that can help you with that. I suggest that you and your H check them out when he gets back.
Just talk calmly to him when you tell him and don't make it about his mother and don't complain about her.
I don't understand why you got married when you and your husband don't know how to communicate with each other.
My husband and I got married three weeks before he left for a deployment. Under no circumstances would it have occurred to him to invite his parents or anyone else on what was supposed to be an intimate trip for the two of us. That he will have five months to spend time with his parents before this trip makes the situation even more troubling. If he is still that attached to mommy and daddy, he was not mature enough to get married.
Yes, you absolutely need to talk to him about this. You need to tell him that this kind of thing is not acceptable. Of course he is in a stressful situation and you don't want to exacerbate it. That doesn't give him a free pass from addressing serious issues in your marriage. If he didn't want to deal with the stress of being married while deployed, he shouldn't have gotten married. Furthermore, when he gets home, the two of you need to go to marriage counseling. Divorce among the enlisted is much higher than in the general population, and you've highlighted several of the reasons why with your post. You've established some really unhealthy patterns here, and you both need to make a conscious effort to do things differently if you want a solid, long-lasting marriage. He needs to cut the apron strings, and you both need to figure out how to TALK to each other about potentially unpleasant topics.
There is a difference in being non-confrontational and not being able to talk to your husband. Your problem is not with your MIL. It's with your husband. Communicating your feelings is not being confrontational.
As for the MIL thing, you should not have to put your MIL in her place- that's your husband's job.
Here's the thing...you don't have to complain about your MIL to talk aobut this. Just say that you want this anniversary trip to be about you and your DH spending time ALONE together. So therefore, no, you don't want to have your ILs with you. An anniversary trip is something that is meant to be between husband and wife and that's what you want. Say nothing about your MIL...problem solved.
This. My H is deployed right now, and there has been some major issues with his family. He has been in the loop through all of this, by his own choice. Just because they are in a war zone doesn't mean all the bad stuff quits happening. And really, if you are married, you should be able to talk to him about stuff. We had issues with IL's while we were dating, and I set my boundaries then.
And really, this shouldn't be an issue that gets heated. "H, I think it would be really great if we could spend our anniversary together, just the two of us. It would be so romantic/relaxing/whatever" Suggest that you have a weekend getaway with the IL's prior to the vacation.
When my H returns from this deployment, we are heading to Hawaii. We plan to stop by the IL's en route, and he will get to see them. They don't see him but once a year anyway, since we live so far. It would never occurr to H to invite them along.
This!!!!
From what I gather, this isn't an issue. I'm sure the OP doesn't have an issue with him spending time with his parents (I hope). But this vacation, she has the right to say no. And she should, if that's what she wants.