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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: MIL on our anniversary vaca?!?!?
I guess I don't understand why you're afraid to talk to your H about this. You telling him that you don't want his mom coming on your vacation has nothing to do with you being a 'nagging wife'. He point blank is asking you if it is OK and you do not feel that it is. So tell him that.
Yeah...she posted about that after I posted what you just quoted....
I understand that you don't want him to be upset while he is deployed and he needs to focus on his job. But this discussion doesn't have to be heated or include complaining about his mom. Just simply say that your idea of an anniversary trip is just the 2 of you away from friends and family. You can put the idea out there of a separate trip for everyone at another time as well.
As for her behavior changing since he's been deployed I'm guessing that she misses her son and is scared for him.
I think this is hard for you because you're confusing some of the issues- which is easy to do. Just separate out the issues and then address the one you need to talk about. The issue with having his family on the anniversary trip is that you want it to be just the two of you. Right? So there is no need to justify your saying no by bringing up that his mom has boundary issues or that she pulls guilt trips or anything about it specifically being his mother- because if he had called you and said, "Hey, my buddy from college and his wife have never been to Undisclosed Location, so let's have them come too," you wouldn't be into that either. The issue is that you want to be alone with him, so say that that's the issue.
Should the issue become that your MIL/ FIL want to go too and they've never been and so forth, reply to that issue: "Well, while we're there we'll have to pick up some tour guides and brochures for them so we can give good suggestions when they plan their trip." Okay, they haven't been and want to go. That doesn't mean their only opportunity is to go with you on your trip, and it doesn't make sense to play into the assumption that it is.
Also- keep in mind that fear is playing a big role in this. You don't want to sound like a nag. You don't want to butt heads with your MIL. You don't want to hurt your husband's feelings. You don't want to have a big confrontation. All perfectly understandable- but, trying to handle issues by avoiding the things you're afraid of isn't going to handle the issues. Instead, back up a few steps and ask yourself- do YOU think you're being unreasonable or nagging? If the situation was reversed and your H said or reacted the same way you plan to, would you consider him out of line? Same with your MIL- make sure your actions and reactions are reasonable and kind and sensible, and let her take responsibility for her own role. If you say something reasonable and she flips out, of course it's unpleasant for everyone, but it truly is on her to manage herself and to take responsibility if she doesn't.
Well, if it's a place where you have been and his parenst haven't, I'm guessing you can figure out where it is - or at least cut down the list!
I would tell him you don't want to go on an anniversary vacation with his parents. This is supposed to be a ROMANTIC vacation, and another couple (esp. parents) are not romantic.
If he really wants his parents to see this place, then let him pick another location for your trip. Someplace that neither of you have been.
He asked you if it was ok if his parents went on the trip. It is perfectly fine to say "no, it's not really ok."
I think the key to this whole thing is seperating your emotions about your MIL from your feelings about your anniversary. MH is very close with his mom, but she can be very overbearing and lacks boundaries sometimes as well. I have learned that when she wants to do something like what you're saying, I have to approach MH with just how I feel about the situation, not his mom.
For instance, DH is going to Europe for 3 weeks this summer, and so we've been planning a trip for when he comes home (he's a teacher so when he comes home he'll only have a couple weeks until school starts). Well, MIL told us over Christmas that when DH comes home from Europe she wants us all to take a trip to Georgia (where his brother and my parents all live). I told DH that I don't get enough vacation time to take both trips (true) and that I would rather spend the week just the two of us on our original trip. I have no desire to vacation with MIL again (did last year), but made no mention of this to DH. I left my emotions about his mother out of it, and it came across a lot better than if I had said to him, "I didn't enjoy vacationing with your mother and therefore we're not going with her."
You're not mature enough to be married if you can't have open and honest communication with the person you chose as your life partner.
Either tell him it's unacceptable to you or just smile and let her join you. But keep in mind--- if you choose the second option... know this will be the rest of your life. You will constantly be dealing with your H including his mother in everything you do. Hell, don't be too shocked if you guys are going at it in the bedroom one day and you notice your MIL watching you guys at the foot of the bed.
And you also need to recognize... you don't have a MIL issue. This is purely an H issue. I saw a lot of complaining about all these issues with your MIL. How your MIL almost joined you on your honeymoon. If you had a husband who wasn't a mama's boy and had a set of balls... these issues would never come up.
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
UPDATE:
So, today, after reading so many posts
I talked to him. I told him that his parents would not be joining us on our anniversary trip and that there was a time and a place for parents, and our anniversary was not one of them. I also told him that we would be sitting down once he returned home to lay out all of the boundaries for ALL sets of parents.
After this discussion, I asked him what possessed him to ask me the question. He said that his mother asked him if they could join us!!! Needless to say, I was a little angry. Once we talked about everything, he told me that he was so happy that I got everything off of my chest, and that he really didn't realize the MIL was causing so many issues.
Thank you all so much for your help! Of course, this is all just beginning. She started another "incident" today about our entertainment center that was in her storage the last month while I was looking for an new house. But, I am def realizing that I need to make sure that I am communicating more with my husband. I guess I just felt a little guilty making a big deal about his mother...
So why can't you tell him it's not ok for you?
You say you're not confrontational, but this doesn't have to be a confrontation.
Your husband came with an idea. He presents it to you. You think about it and say, "I would prefer not to do that for reasons x, y and z"
You could offer an alternative like, "if you want to go to mystery location with your folks, we could do that another weekend, after our anniversary, but I wantour anniversary to be just us." (assuming that's something you'd truly be ok doing. You don't have to want to do this, and you don't have to suggest it if it sounds like a horrible idea to you.)
Out of interest is this your DHs idea, or was he talking about his plans with MIL and she invited herself along? If she invited herself along and your DH went sounds great, then there are other issues here.
ETA: sorry I didn't read to the end of the posts and see your update.
That's great that you had a talk and on the path to getting things sorted.
Apparently, he did not want to hurt his mother's feelings, so he said he would see what I said. Like I said much earlier, she likes to guilt trip him into literally EVERYTHING.
He needs to understand that it is ok to hurt her feelings. Wanting to spend time alone with your wife on your anniversary is totally reasonable ( and healthy). HE has to realize that she is making crazy requests and if she gets her feelings hurt because you guys say no to her, that is ok. You are his top priority now and your feelings and desires are more important than hers. Not equal, more important.
Ah, yes. The classic "I have no spine, so I'll throw my wife under the bus and make her the bad guy!" coupled with an "I can't ever upset mommy in anyway whatsoever, but making my wife miserable is a-ok!" That's quite the gem you've got there.
I have to agree with these two ladies.
He is blaming you. You are blaming MIL. And no one is pointing the finger at the person who deserves it, your husband.
He didn't want to hurt his Mum's feelings, and so he's happy to have her tag along on a romantic weekend with you two?? And you think your MIL is at fault??
What is he now going to say to his mom? "I talked to ssmit and she doesnt' want you to go."??? Nice.
OR - will he be smart about it and say "You know mom, you kind of caught me off guard. While I know you and dad want to go to ___, the fact that this is for our anniversary, I (emphasis on the "I"!!!!!!!) really don't feel this is the right time for you to join us.". HE needs to take the hit on this. NOT YOU.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
for crying out loud!!! if DH asks if you're ok with something and you say 'no' it's not confrontation-it's answering his question. if you don't want them there say NO already and be done with it. just be prepared to defend your choice.
ITA. I get where he could have and should have said no to his mother up front. But, if we are supposed to be women and not fragile empty headed dolls, we have to learn to speak up without *being* a nag and without fearing our voice makes us a nag. And we can't be more mad at our DHs for being just as weak in not wanting to speak up and upset someone if we ourselves can't handle answering *their* question. (He didn't announce MIL was accompanying them, he asked.) And we can't be all upset and accuse MIL of being manipulative if she's just mastered the art of asking and answering what she wants. Yes, if she had a clue she might or might not have asked...but, pfff, her son is in the military and I can see where that overrode anything else. MIL gets to continue to ask and speak up, the DIL (poster) needs to learn to do the same, and her DH better learn to either make decisions on his own or to be a mindreader.
This. This whole situation really is ridiculous. It is inappropriate for your H to even consider saying "yes" to his mother coming along on your vacation, and there is no reason that you shouldn't be able to just tell him your feelings about it.
whoa, I was originally going to say that I kind of understood him wanting his parents there if he was deployed, but if I read it right, you say he will be back in the states for 5 mos and he still wants to bring his parents along on his anniversary vacation????
I understand that you are non confrontational, young, early in marriage and that his mom is manipulative...but you need to learn how to speak up. Communication is critical to a successful marriage, therefore it is essential you learn how to speak up, as difficult as it can be at times for you. You will be a walking door mat if you don't. This vacation might be really needed for the two of you as well considering you haven't had time to do things as a couple yet with him being deployed so soon after your marriage. His mom shouldn't even be asking if they can come right now, although she probably just wants some "family" time with her son and his new wife with him being home as well...but she (and he) need to realize that you guys are the family now and the two of you come first.
Good luck!
whoa, I was originally going to say that I kind of understood him wanting his parents there if he was deployed, but if I read it right, you say he will be back in the states for 5 mos and he still wants to bring his parents along on his anniversary vacation????
I understand that you are non confrontational, young, early in marriage and that his mom is manipulative...but you need to learn how to speak up. Communication is critical to a successful marriage, therefore it is essential you learn how to speak up, as difficult as it can be at times for you. You will be a walking door mat if you don't. This vacation might be really needed for the two of you as well considering you haven't had time to do things as a couple yet with him being deployed so soon after your marriage. His mom shouldn't even be asking if they can come right now, although she probably just wants some "family" time with her son and his new wife with him being home as well...but she (and he) need to realize that you guys are the family now and the two of you come first.
Good luck!