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Tough love with niece; over reacting?
I am very frustrated with my 18 year old niece and her rediculous use of grammer. We are corresponding over facebook (our only method possible) and I wrote back to her twice asking that she clarify what she is saying. This was her second attempt, "ima go to jersey afterwards so i go threw philly anyway nd do you mean in the airport or by the airport?"
Goodness I hate to be bitchy but I am not her peer and frankly, I read dozens of e-mails every day- I don't care to decipher her whatever-you-want-to-call-it-speak so that we can make plans to meet up in the middle of my 20 hour international travel.
My niece has emotional problems, is very immature, and has practically estranged herself from the rest of the family. Won't tell anyone where she lives or works, or what she is doing. I don't want her to decide to stop talking to me either, but on the other hand, she needs someone to teach her responsibility (and her mother can't do it).
Finally I wrote this, "I would appreciate it if you would write to me using proper English. As I said, I find it difficult to understand you when you write incorrectly. If you want to be understood then it is up to you to communicate clearly. Similiarly, if you communicate like an adult then you'll have a better chance of being treated like one. Does that make sense?"
She is 18, not 8. I think her use of English is unacceptable. Also I find it highly annoying. She knows 100% how to write correctly. Should I stand my ground or just leave her be?
Re: Tough love with niece; over reacting?
My niece has emotional problems, is very immature, and
and you are worried about her text language? hmmm...
If you want to be understood then it is up to you to communicate clearly. Similiarly, if you communicate like an adult then you'll have a better chance of being treated like one
you told her didn't you? I'm sure she listened to every word you said and went home to take out her grammar books.
She is 18, not 8. I think her use of English is unacceptable. Also I find it highly annoying
I'm laughing too hard to respond to this one.
She knows 100% how to write correctly.
so, what you are saying is that she knows how to write, but in her texts with you she was using text slang? She wasn't writing an essay? job application? legal document?Yet with all her other "issues" this is the one you are taking a stand on!?
Seriously you told her how you feel, she knows how to write correctly, this is what teens are doing now, she isn't hurting anyone, hurting herself, or adding to her other issues....if you think this is something to take a stand on dont be surprised if she removes herself from your life too.
she needs someone to teach her responsibility (and her mother can't do it).
wow...just wow
This is not a hill upon which to die.
If the standards of facebook English offend you, it's because you are older than the target audience. Accept this or find another platform for communication.
You seem very controlling. If you don't understand her, just don't respond. Call her on the phone.
Your spelling could be considered similarly astounding. RIdiculous use of grammAr.
I agree with the others, though. You'd rather address her text speak than her immaturity and emotional problems?
Yes, I agree that she needs/needed to learn about responsibility and acting like an adult. No, I don't think it is your job to do it.
And yes, I think you're overreacting.
I totally get where you're coming from. Yes, it's text speak. Yes, all teens do it. And I'll admit to using it in small doses myself. It DOES help when I am literally texting.
but there is a time and a place for it and when you're trying to communicate important information and/or when someone has actually told you "I don't know what you're saying", it's time to end the text speak.
Honestly, good for you for saying something. While I do agree it's not a hill to die on, at the same time, people who overuse text speak need to realize that it is not the most effective way of trying to communicate and sometimes, even when texting, it is necessary to fully write words out.
There is also an element of common courtesy involved too. Not everyone understands or likes text speak.
But, you've said your piece. Let it go. you aren't going to solve the problem, especially as she has other, more serious, problems going on.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I think those that live in rediculous glass houses, shouldn't throw grammer-laden stones.
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I'd just say "I don't understand" until she made herself clear.
I think that's more effective than a finger-wagging text lecture.
Good one!
That text speak drives me crazy also, though. I actually will not do it, except for the occasional u for you or r for are. Even then, I usually write the word out. However, the younger people that I know (I'm in my 40s) all use it and your niece seems normal with this. Sure, if you told her you didn't understand, she should be able to adjust her texting and write it out for you and that is unfortunate if she was not able to.
You do sound really judgmental of her though. LOTS of 18 year olds are immature and have not learned responsibility well enough yet.
Similiarly, I agree with you.
Just tell her you don't understand, or phone her saying you couldn't make head nor tails of her funny little text and deal with the real issues.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Couldn't you just have said "Sorry neice but can you avoid the text speak with me, I'm really not good at understanding it" instead of going into your paragraph about how "...if you communicate like an adult your be treated like an adult. Make sense?" which sounds pretty condescending. Or you could have just called the girl to talk to her if it really bugs you that much so that she still has a 'responsible' adult to talk to about any real issues she might be having.
You're talking to an emotionally immature, struggling kid, and you picked THIS to tough love over?
really?
Yes, it's annoying. Yes, youi should get her to be clear. But yes, it was overreacting.
Everyone, thanks for the replies.
I can't call her so easily, we are on two different continents. She isn't texting, she is typing on a keyboard. I asked her once to write clearly what she meant because I couldn't understand her. She responded "lols" and then what she wrote above. That is when I responded what I copied in the OP.
I'm not trying to control anything. I am and have been trying to help her understand the consequences of her actions and how her choices affect others. In this case her use of sloppy text is frustrating for others. She is old enough to understand this. I asked her once to write clearly and when she didn't it further pissed me off. I am trying to coordinate seeing her for a few hours in the middle of an international trip. It shouldn't be too much to ask that she communicate clearly, especially AFTER I asked her once to do so because I couldn't understand. I honestly don't know why I find it so bothersome. Everyone else just yells at her, I'm the only one far enough removed from the situation that I'm able to keep calm. Yet with this is just really bugged me. It wasn't the text speak, but rather the lack of effort on her part to communicate clearly once she was told that she was not being understood. Again, it wasn't my intention to choose this hill to die on. If that were the case I wouldn't be asking for outside opinions.
Next time I will just repeat "I don't understand"... Until the opportunity for us to visit passes us by because she refuses to communicate clearly. On second thought I don't know if I like that approach either.
Perhaps I'm expecting too much of her. Given her emotional challenges I can see this is probable.
Thanks again for responding. As usual, many of you have given me something of value to think about.
text speak is ok to me-when i text. on fb not so much. if i can't decpiher it (which I couldn't with what you posted) then i'd go back and tell her 'i dont understand-please write it clearly' and let it go.
i think you might owe her an apology for having a freak out. sure you need to make a point-but you did over-react.
I wasn't going to respond to this but perhaps I should clarify. It isn't her text speak but rather her insistence in continuing to communicate in a manner in which I told her I could not understand. So I went a step further...
No, I am certainly not going to address her emotional problems over facebook. Perhaps, if we have the chance to meet in person for a whole of 3 hours in an airport we can have a discussion about her emotional health at that time. For now, my goal is to establish a meeting time with her. And FWIW, I just wanted to see her. We can talk about the weather, for all I care.
Thanks ECB, this was truly helpful. I will let it go.
I hate it when people post that way too. It's fb so I understand people aren't going to proof every single entry and mistakes get made, but that type of posting is deliberate.
However, you aren't going to change it. I know a women who is in her 20's, married, has a child, has a Master's degree, and is planning to go back to school for her Ph.D. I know her professionally and she is very well spoken and well written in her professional life. She would send documents back to her staff for corrections when there were spelling and/or grammar errors. I am also fb friends with her and every single one of her posts is done in the same style as your niece.
LOL.
Do you really see no difference between deliberately writing gibberish and unintentionally making a few spelling errors?
Update: My niece wrote back in plain English this time! Well, mostly plain English anyway, but definitely enough that I could easily understand what she was saying. Which is all I could ask for - an attempt at clear communication. And she was very sweet to agree to look up restaurant options for us.
I actually went back and read through our messages and I told her not twice, but three times that I couldn't understand what she was writing. So that explains a little why I lost my head. The first two times I was very sweet. By the 3rd time I was over it.
Thanks again for all the helpful replies.
You know, I'd just like to add that though it is annoying...her message wasn't nearly as unintelligible as you make it seem. I understood it after reading it through twice and I don't even use text-speak when I text.
"ima go to jersey afterwards so i go threw philly anyway nd do you mean in the airport or by the airport?"
means :
I'm going to Jersey and through Philadelphia anyways...and did you mean you want to meet in the airport or somewhere around the airport?
I do realize it is annoying that someone would have to read it two or three times, but I'm surprised you had to ask her to repeat herself. With just a little bit of effort, I feel you should have been able to figure out the message...I've seen 18 year olds write MUCH worse than that on facebook.
I applaud you. I can't believe the flames you're getting.
THIS is exactly why today's kids suck. Everyone wants to baby the shiit out of them. "That's just how kids talk these days"? Really? Yeah, because they don't have people correcting them. And someone said you aren't FB's target audience so you just don't understand? I'm 23. I'm exactly their target audience. And yes, it CAN hurt her. If she never learns any better, she will never make it in a professional world. You think your boss would let you 'speak' like that? This is not effective communication.
Oh, and 'emotional problems' doesn't mean you don't know how to spell or construct proper sentences. Geeze, get over yourselves.
Good for you for trying to better someone else.
This made me laugh. After I quit laughing at the OP for writing it.
This made me laugh. After I quit laughing at the OP for writing that.