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need advice - rents never gave us promised wedding gift
Hey everyone:
I'm in a really hard position right now. I apologize that this is a long post but I'm kind of tormented right now.
I got married on Sept 25th 2010. After the wedding, my husband and I noticed that we had not gotten a gift from my parents, nor even a card.
At the time, I said something to them to the effect of "Oh hey we didn't get your card" and I was informed that "they had other things to worry about than a card". I was kind of surprised, but let it go...even though it did hurt me quite a bit that they couldn't manage to get at least a card for us. There was no mention of any gift at this point.
Then, a few days after the wedding, my parents told my husband and I straight to our face at dinner one night that they "were going to give us a cash wedding gift but needed to recover financially before doing so". My husband and I were totally OK with that, as we ourselves are still recovering from the portion of the wedding we paid for.
Now it's been 4 months and I have not heard anything from either of them about it since that day after the wedding. Not so much as an update or mention in passing. It's like it dropped off the face of the earth entirely.
I don't care about the money. I am more hurt that I didn't get a card on my wedding day from my parents, and not getting a wedding gift on top of it hurts too (regardless of what the gift is/was). Honestly, I fear they have forgotten entirely, which hurts more IMO.
I don't know when is appropriate to ask for an "update" on the situation. I was trying to be patient, but I think I have waited an appropriate amount of time to deserve some kind of closure on the issue. If they are still "recovering financially", that's absolutely 100% understandable. However, I will say that our wedding was only about 10k, and my husband and I paid for almost half that. This isn't like they are recovering from a $70,000 wedding. And judging by the Christmas spending this year, money is not an issue.
But I am scared to death to ask them about it, I hate confrontation with my parents and I am scared of their reaction, no matter how nicely I put it.
To be clear, I'm not going to confront them with "where's my gift" but more "hey, we were wondering if you could give us an update on the situation". We aren't even demanding anything concrete. Just an update on whether that will still happen.
We leave for our honeymoon in 2 weeks, and even though it is paid for, we had anticipated having a little extra spending money from this gift for the honeymoon and it looks like that's not going to happen.
We are a very close family; we see them at least once a week, if not more. Both my husband and I are baffled by this whole thing. This is so unlike my parents. They even mentioned how stingy one of my aunts was with her gift...but yet have failed to give us a gift at all?
Is it okay to ask for an update from them at this point? Should I continue to wait? If so, for how long? How do I go about asking them without pissing them off? I want to avoid a scene and a "we TOLD you that we'd give you one, don't you trust us" kind of thing.
Thanks in advance for reading (if you made it this far, lol)
Tay
Re: need advice - rents never gave us promised wedding gift
Really? No one is obligated to get you gift (or a card) just because you got married. The fact that your parents were/are experiencing financial hardship in their lives and you're more concerned about your present makes you sound like a d-bag.
It is not appropriate to ask them for the money. Drop it and move on.
YOU were the ones who decided to get married. Not them. Therefore, they do not owe you a wedding gift, payment for your wedding, or honeymoon spending money. If you don't have any spending money for your honeymoon, then that's a result of your own planning and budgeting, not their failure to give it to you. You're not children receiving an allowance.
They don't owe you a thing. Yes, they said they'd give you something, but if they don't ... oh well, it's not a crime on their part. It would be incredibly rude and childish of you to ask for an "update" on your present.
We didn't get a gift or a card from my FIL for our wedding, or from my younger siblings. It happens. It's not something to dwell over, analyze, or demand answers about. You accept it and you get over it.
You don't "deserve closure on the issue" because there ISN'T an issue here. They'll give you a present if they darn well feel like it. There's nothing you "deserve" or are entitled to in this situation. Keep your mouth shut, and be gracious no matter what ends up happening. It doesn't mean that your parents don't love you because they didn't give you a piece of Hallmark paper, and/or a present, on your wedding day. Raising you to adulthood, and their kindness to you (especially considering that they paid for part of your wedding, which was not their responsibility at all) is a PLENTY big demonstration of their love for you.
They don't have to give you a gift. I gather that from your post they paid for part of your wedding which they didn't have to do either. I don't know you so I can't say for sure but you really sound like a spoiled brat with entitlement issues.
What I gathered from this post is that your parents paid more than half of a $10,000 wedding, and you are upset that they didn't bother to get buy a piece of paper on which someone else had written a sentiment for the occasion.
It is never appropriate to ask for a gift, regardless of what was said or how much time has passed. A gift is a present that is given voluntarily, without obligation, that was not earned by the recipient. No one is obligated to get you a gift just because you get married, even your parents, especially if they paid for the wedding itself.
You sound very entitled in your post. What does Christmas spending have anything to do with your wedding, and how can you assume that it does? You have no idea about your parents' financial situation, so do not assume that you do. Be thankful for what your parents have already given you, and forget about this "gift" that for some reason you think you deserve. Or do you think that you were entitled to have a bigger wedding than you could afford, and to have your parents pick up the remainder of the balance?
You don't ask. At this point I would just assume that you are not getting a gift and if it ever happens it will be a lovely surprise. The fact that you see them regularly and have a good relationship will be far more importanant in the long run.
Ahh, and yet again, we have someone who didn't read thoroughly, is having a bad day, and decided to be a jerk.
@doglove:
We are not asking for any money. We don't feel we deserve any money. The only reason that this is even a question in our minds is that they flat out told us they would be giving us a gift. If they had not said anything about it at all, this would not even be a concern.
You are absolutely right; no one is obligated to get us anything. I never said they were. I did not state that my parents are going through financial hardships. I stated that my parents wanted to recover a bit so they could give us a gift they wanted to give us (their words, not mine).
I also stated that (look up a little, you can read for yourself) we don't care about the money.
Your response is completely uncalled for, calling someone a d-bag (yes, I realize you said "sound like", but let's be honest, you're calling me a douchebag) for asking for honest advice is a really low thing to do.
Please take your comments elsewhere if you cannot be nice. Your opinion is valid; your method of expressing your opinion is juvenile. Express your opinions as you wish - but do so without sinking to the level of name calling.
Tay
And PS - I sincerely pity anyone who feels they cannot expect at least a card from their parents on their wedding day. If a $3 card too much to ask on your wedding day from your parents, then it is a sad state of affairs indeed.
You want extra spending money for luxuries, you pay for it yourselves. As adults. Which you should have been before you got married.
Your parents gift to you was 5k for half of the wedding. Be happy with that and keep your mouth shut.
Okay guys, I give. Obviously popular opinion is against me.
I have the info I need. Consider the topic closed.
I thought you had a genuine concern until this.
Your parents love and support and the large financial contribution to YOUR wedding are more than enough. It is not a sad state of affairs that you parents didn't sign their names to a generic card written by some huge corporation, it is sad state of affairs that you cannot see how incredibly trivial and self-centered and shallow being upset over this bs is.
Drop it. Don't ask them about it, and don't continue to wait for a gift. Look at their contribution to your wedding as their gift to you (which was very generous on its own.)
And I have to say that the fact that you are 'tormented' by this is really ridiculous.
If you really didn't care about the money, then why is it even an issue? You can't adopt the mindset that if there is a gift to come, it will come?
The information you are posting seems to contradict the claim that receiving this gift is not so important to you. You posted that you would enjoy a little extra on your upcoming trip, and you shared more information on other things your parents appeared to have spent money on.
My point of view, if your parents paid for any portion of your wedding, I would consider that my gift.
ETA: Like this is all about a $3 card as I glanced again at the post title "rents never gave us promised wedding gift."Wow, way to judge other people's relationships with their parents, OP.
My parents didn't give us a card or a gift for the wedding. Was I expecting them to? Absolutely not. Not after my dad busted his butt to pay for part of the wedding. FWIW, we have an excellent relationship with my parents. We're on a bowling league together and we do dinner quite frequently. But you're right ... it's a sad state of affairs that my parents couldn't be bothered to get us a card even with everything that they did for us to make our wedding amazing.
This isn't about the card and you know it. You can continue to delude yourself into thinking it's the sentiment you're worried about but then there are about 10 paragraphs that say otherwise; you are concerned with the money, for your honeymoon, how much they spent at xmas etc. It's none of your business how they spend their money and you're not entitled to any of it. You're a brat with your 'it's not like they're recovering from a 70k wedding or anything'. Granted, it's a little odd that they would mention it and then do nothing but it's quite possible that they are picking up on your sense of entitlement and determined to teach you a lesson.
Are you being serious? You are getting this pissy and wrote an entire post because all you were really expecting from your parents was a measly $3 greeting card? So if your parents just gave you cash and NO card would you still be sad/upset that you didn't get the card? Don't think so.
I agree with the PP's that you actually do feel entitled to a gift and that you are being really rude about it. Who did pay for the other half of your wedding??
Truthfully, it is none of your business how your parents spend their money. Maybe you don't approve of it, but it's just not your business. It's your responsibility to make sure that you have money on your honeymoon, not theirs. You don't go around demanding gifts be paid to you because you are low on cash.
BTW, when your parents say they had to "recover financially" that indicates to us that they are strapped for cash. Make your wording a little more clear instead of getting pissy with others because of something you wrote.
This. It is indeed sad that you say you are so hurt over a card. Really? How much effort does it take to walk into any generic drug store or dollar store and grab some random card off the shelf? Would that really have made you feel any better? Your parents paid for more than half of your wedding; what more do you want? If you want more spending money for your vacation, pick up a second job or simply budget better. DO NOT lay this on your parents.
And they probably said what they did about giving you a gift because you pressured them or put them on the spot in the first place. Drop it and move on.
Oh come on, you aren't fooling anyone. We all know this isn't about a card, you just want to get your grubby little hands on some MORE of their money. We all know if they did give you a card with nothing in it, you would be complaining about how they couldn't even be bothered to put a $20 bill in it. If they give you a card with a $20 in it, you would be complaining about how it wasn't $100. They just gave you a several thousand dollar gift. BE happy with that and apologize to them. Apologize for having the gall to tell them that they didn't give you a gift after they had just spent thousands on your wedding. Maybe it's the pregnancy hormones, but I just want to cry for your parents. I couldn't imagine the hurt and disappointment they must have felt when their own daughter told them that. I would have been crushed.
You remind me of my stepgma. She had a neighbor/ friend that saw her everyday at the hospital, looked after her dogs, collected her mail, brought her meals, kept her yard clear of leaves, etc. One day my stepgma told her friend that she was rude and not a true friend because she never sent her a " get well soon" card. The friend was shocked. My grandmother never acknowleded anything that her friend had done for her for several weeks. Nope she was only focused on a stupid card. That was the last time she saw her friend.
By the way did you ever send them a card thanking them for their monetary gift and all their help with the wedding ?
Granted, I hate it when people say "Oh- I have a gift for you!" and then never produce it. On that front, i do hear you. It's annoying. If they don't want to give a gift, that's fine, just don't say anything about it.
however, that doesn't make it something you confront them about. they said they'd get you one and well, they haven't. stop expecting it and if they ever come through, be excited at that point. Until then, stop thinking about it.
But, BUT - I truly never understand people who get so bunged up over a fricking CARD. Their attendance at your wedding seriously isn't good enough? Their PAYING for part of your wedding isn't good enough? It's about a stupid piece of paper that matters more?!?!?! Come on. You have your priorities WAY out of whack.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I'm not having a bad day at all - I'm having a perfectly nice day, thank you.
Why do you need a card from your parents to prove they care about you?
I think four months is not sufficient to "get back on your feet" from a "financial hardship."
Don't bring it up.
I had people who told me "oh, your gift is on it's way...." and then never delivered. I consider that a LOT stranger than the people who just didn't give me a gift. However, any money towards your wedding should be "gift" enough. I think asking for "a card" on top of that is a little over-the-top.
If not receiving a $3 card on your wedding day from your parents causes you to act like a brat, then that is a sad state of affairs indeed.
You asked for honest advice and you got what you asked for. If you want smoke blown up your butt and people to blindly agree with you, this isn't the place for you. Your parents paid for more than half of your wedding day. Without them, alot of things that day would not have happened or you would've had to pay for it to happen. You say you realize this, but really think about why a $3 card even matters after that.
Listen - does it suck that they promised a gift and haven't followed through on that? Sure - but them's the breaks, kid. That's life.
*made with love by ibis*
This is at least ten kinds of crazy. You were so upset at the lack of "card" that you actually asked them about it? Of course they said it was coming - who says "Yeah, we didn't get you a gift/card then and we're not getting you one now." And now you're in a froth over the "card" not showing up yet?
Good grief. You need a hobby.
No one here, including doglove, has a reading comprehension problem. We drew our conclusions based on the words YOU wrote.
Yeah, it's weird to tell someone you're going to give them a gift and then not do it. But so what? Also, it's beyond ridiculous that you feel they should have given it to you by now when you said that you and your husband are still "recovering" from the wedding expenses yourselves. Maybe your parents suffered a financial setback that you don't know about, or maybe they already contributed more than they could really afford for your wedding. In any case, get over it and plan on paying for things yourselves, like adults, and if the money ever does come through, it will be a nice surprise.
It's a sad state of affairs when parents show their happiness and support for their daughter and her new husband by making a substantial contribution to their wedding, and all she does is stomp her feet and say, "But they didn't get me a CARD!"