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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Re: need advice - rents never gave us promised wedding gift
Don't ask about it...I was suprised to that my parents didn't get me a card, all those beautiful hallmark cards saying "on the day my daughter walks down the aisle" seemed so beautiful...but I've learned cards don't mean the same thing to everyone...sounds like it means a lot to you but it's not the same for everybody.
Your parents didn't give you a time line of "we'll recover from financial hardships in 3 months and you can expect your gift then". So actually, they haven't really missed any deadline. In fact, etiquette says they have a year to give you a gift. I suspect, that as your one year approaches, they'll give you a combo wedding/anniversary gift. Or, if you go to make a purchase like a new vaccuum, or coffee table, or computer, they may give you the money towards one of those instead (I've learned parents like to see where their money goes)
Hang in there, don't say anything, and don't let it bug you
My entire wedding was 5k and my parents paid for all of it. I didn't ask for a wedding gift because I, like most grateful people, considered that my wedding gift. There wouldn't of been a wedding without them.
Maybe they really do need time to recover from Christmas. They paid for half of your wedding then a few months later had to buy gifts! Calm down, have some patience, and see if they bring it up again in a few months. If they don't then DO NOT bring it up to them. Just let it die. Sorry you don't have the spending money you wanted for your honeymoon but that really isn't your parent's problem, is it?
Please. Your kids are NOT going to care about reading cards from your wedding.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
We didn't even keep the cards from our wedding unless someone included a personal note that DH and I thought merited hanging onto it. I'm not a clutter girl and that was definitely clutter.
But yet... she won't answer our questions. Hmmm....
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Tay:
Wow I can't believe how everyone has answered this question. I thought the reason for the posting was to get honest answers from other people who have an opinion, not to be rude and mean. People need to remember that not everyones financial issues are the same. We have no idea what her parents can and want to afford.
Tay, my husband has always been a card person. He thinks that getting cards is better than getting a gift. It shows that they were prepared before and were thinking about you. I understand where you are coming from about the card and how it would hurt your feelings. His bestman promised us a gift as well and we still haven't seen it, but we have never asked for it since. We feel that it is up to him to follow through, not us. Unfortuntely, I would have to agree with the majority on these posts. Just don't let it affect your relationship with your parents, it seems like that is important to you.
Good luck and don't let all of these posts get you down.
very very interesting!
What does this have to do with anything? It dopesn't matter whether her parents are millionaires or living in a gutter ... they don't owe her a gift, period. ESPECIALLY if they were kind enough to pay for part of her wedding (not to mention raising her to adulthood, and providing her with a roof over her head, food, clothing and probably an education).
I'm also amazed that this poster is still expecting a gift even after her parents said they're still "recovering financially" from the wedding. Never mind that it's rude enough to expect a gift from someone, let alone expect them to save up for it. If my parents said, "We'll give you a present but we have to financially recover first," then I'd tell them to not even worry about a gift because I don't want to be responsible for them being financially in the whole.
I don't get how paying for her wedding doesn't count as them not being "prepared" and not thinking about her.
This person deserves a good dose of reality with the entitled, spoiled way she's acting. None of this "Don't gurt her FEELINGS!" garbage. People act entitled and spoiled because of everyone out there whining that their pwecious feewings shouldn't be hurt.
Tay- Sincere answer here-
I can relate. A very good friend of ours did not give us a card at our wedding. They said they had one for us but did not feel comfortable putting it in the card box, we saw them the next day and nothing, a week later I saw the card on their mantle but felt rude asking for it.
They never gave us the card/gift. I was offended. Not because they did not give us one but becuase they TOLD us they had intended to (and I saw that it exsisted).
Coming from a family where cards are important (my mom expects one for EVERY holiday) I completely get where you are coming from. I too would be hurt if my parents did not even give me a Card (in my case that is all I got because they paid for the wedding, totally fine).
I agree that they were in the wrong to not give you a card. If they could not afford to give you a gift they should have told you that outright instead of promising a later gift. However, like the others, I do think you need to let it go. (Easier said than done, trust me I know)
Good Luck!
I think that everyone is being a little harsh on Tay. Chances are that she knows its kinda rude to be still thinking about the missing gift 4 months after the fact, that doesnt change the fact that it still bothers her.
I had a similar situation with my ILs. My MIL and FIL didn't get us anything at all for our bridal shower or wedding. The only monetary support they gave was to pay for a small rehersal dinner. For my BIL's wedding three years ago, I estimate they spent or gifted upwards of 5K. I haven't and wont say anything to anyone about this but it doesn't stop me from being hurt.
Tay, you just has to come to terms with the fact that you're probably not going to get anything and I hope that you can do this so it doesn't ruin your future relationship with you parents.
Can I also point out that etiquette says that you have up to 1 year to send a gift? By my calculations, they have another 8 months to give you a present.
There were a number of people that came to our wedding and didn't give us a present or a card. But we also received gifts 6 months after our wedding.
As for the card - some people just aren't card people. I didn't get one from my parents, nor did I get a gift from them. They paid for a big chunk of our wedding and that was more than gift enough. Not to mention all of the shower gifts that my Mom gave me.
For our 1st anniversary, DH and I were at Target and I asked if he was going to come in. He said that depended on whether I wanted an anniversary card from him or not. He doesn't do cards, I realize that and have moved on.
I suggest you do the same.
Both my parents and my brother were in the middle of a some what unexpected move when my wedding happened. My parents paid for most of the wedding as their gift to us, and we wrote them a lengthy thank you note for it. 4 days after the wedding (we left for the honeymoon a week after the wedding), my mom called to tell us that they had finally found our card/gift in among the boxes at their new house. I begged her, knowing the rough situation they were in, not to give us anything. But, she insisted. It turns out it was a card with a 3 page letter in it to us telling us how proud they were and retelling some of their favorite memories of our dating lives. I was so happy that they didn't give us a gift, and can understand missing even something simple like that.
My brother didn't have the money for a gift either. His 3 kids were in the wedding (and my mom even paid for my niece's flower girl dress), and that was enough for me. But, you know what? We got a card from them and enclosed were 3 pictures drawn by the kids. My oldest nephew had drawn one of our family including his new uncle. It was the sweetest gift I think we received.
Also, I spent the week leading up to Thanksgiving in the hospital. There's nothing like being in the hospital to make you miss your parents, even if you are married. I got a little hurt because I got cards, flowers, crafts to make (don't ask), and balloons from everyone but my parents. I remember telling my DH that I was hurt that I didn't even get a card from them. But you know what? My dad was on the phone every.single.day with DH and/or I asking about how I felt. He's a retired paramedic, so the one day he even talked to the doctor to clarify some things that I couldn't explain to him. I wouldn't have traded those phone calls for anything.
I said all that to say, I understand that cards are important to you. They're important to me too. The day of our wedding, I had a mutual friend take a card to DH and didn't expect one back. He actually apologized later for not giving me one, that he simply didn't think of it. But, you can bet I get a card for everything now.
I don't think I've ever seen such a smattering of bitchy women like this before.
I read your post and understand your hurt. And your statement about different financial situations is spot on- only I see a lack of class and grace as well with responders who think YOUR family's set of etiquette and expectations should be as theirs, as in 'flexible' or even, apparently non-existant. (Honestly my first vision of these responders each time is of those who grew up without- money or social graces/expectations or whatever- sour grapes and all- who feel free to attack anything they envy) Your parents raised you with certain social rules and graces and acknowledging big moments and paying certain expenses were part of that.......then suddenly you are thrown for a loop. If my parents or anyone said they would be giving me money and I planned around it (i.e. your honeymoon) then it is a surprise when it doesn't come and you have to adjust, which you will do I'm sure but I would be hurt too. This is your parents and they set your example all your life so its surprising when they deviate from their own AND society's teachings. I'm sorry this happened and sorry even more for the classless responses you got from those obviously with lesser social graces.
I'm sure you are not even bothering to check back, btw, since the majority of those who started to post can easily be recognized as those of another set of ::cough:: manners than you, and I don't blame you.
BTW, I googled four different etiquette sites and confirmed my thoughts- 'while its sometimes thought that one has up to a year to give a gift, its considered extremely poor etiquette' and 'the one year rule originated from the timeline for the thank you note, not the gift itself, and goes back to the times when a couple might honeymoon or cruise for months'.
Hey! DD it all if you want, for the majority of this crowd says anyone can do whatever they want, right? No expectations? No proper etiquette exists? ::rolls eyes::
Give me a fuccking break, sister.
I normally lurk over here, but I am going to put my 2 cents in on this one. Be grateful your parents talked to you on your wedding day AND paid for half of the wedding. My mother said she would pay for my flowers (bought at Costco and I arranged the boquets), the day came to pick them up, she didn't have the money. That was the only thing she was going to pay for. She took credit for my wedding, when she didn't even want to be involved in the process (except picking out her dress mind you) and I never got a card, a gift, NOR did she talk to me on my wedding day. She wanted ME to cater to HER and dress HER on my wedding day. Then she treated my reception like it was a singles dance that she normally went to on Saturday night.
Be grateful for what you have...your parents love you and that's what matters.
I just have to chime in on this one:
I think this is one of the most absurd posts I've ever read, and I hope this "Wedding Card" situation winds up in the FM Hall O' Shame along with Chix'n'noodles and the McDonald's Drive-Thru Family Fiasco.
OP -- you should be ashamed.
I totally get that you're not asking for the money, just an update, but I still think it's rude. Keep your mouth shut. It's only been 4 months and that isn't a long time. I say give it a year.
To answer your question: you never ask for an "update on the situation". Instead, you carry on with life, appreciative of your close relationship with them & the $5000 they so generously contributed to your wedding.
I suspect you have not really ever been under serious financial pressure. Four months, with Christmas in there, very well might not be enough time for them to recover.
They told you they needed time. I think you are being too impatient. Give them more time. And do NOT bring it up to them, no matter what. It's just not good manners.
Is anyone else sensing some AE's in here, to make the OP look better. It sure in the hell aint working for me.
Yes, I sensed that as well.
Please tell me that you aren't going to make your parents feel like sh!t just because they didn't get you a card or give you MORE money...
How old are you anyways?? A beebee I'm guessing...
Exactly what I was thinking!