Family Matters
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: Where do you draw the line?
this is my first time posting on this board and actually one of the first posts i've read and this was the BEST RESPONSE in this whole thread. Some of you people are just......UGH. Pot calling the kettle black, stone throwing, mean, nasty people.
OP, if I were you, i'd be upset also. You've lived with your parents and dealt with their issues your whole life so I figure this situation was just IT for you and that is understandable. Just breathe, roll your eyes and get on with your day, on your own. You have every right to be a bit upset and you should feel COMFORTABLE in coming here to vent. Don't listen to these idiots.
I had a very similar experience in childhood and carrying over into adulthood w/ an ugly divorce and constantly being put in the middle and then my narcissistic freak parents always jumping in to ruin my big life events with their nonsense.
It's too bad you already spent the money you had saved but you should learn the lesson for the future. STOP RELYING ON PEOPLE YOU CANNOT RELY ON. This is a big one. I spent a lot of time hoping they woudl someday be the parents I wanted and they never will. I no longer count on them for anything. I actually did cut my mother out after my son was born for multiple reasons. 6 months later she apologized for some things she's been denying she did for 18 years. It was a good thing for me and for our relationship. I've let her back in to a degree, and she is WAY more respectful of my boundaries - I guess she knows I'm serious about the treatment I expect.
If you don't have the money and your dad doesn't have the money you have only 2 options. 1 is postpone the wedding long enough to save up again and pay for it yourselves. 2 is have a small, inexpensive, intimate wedding ceremony and move on. You need to stop playing your part in the codependent nature of their conflict. Stop allowing them to drag you in. Stop playing the game with them. This alimony issue is theirs not yours. You are making it your problem and inviting drama and crazy into your life and your husband's life and someday your kids' lives by continuing to let unreliable crazy people have a say in how your life goes. STOP IT! It's way better to be free than to get some money every once in a while. It's how they manipulate you into playing along with the drama. Stop playing!
Seriously - life is black and white different when you get off their ride! Good luck to you.
I have cut my parents out of my life. In my case it involved physical and emotional abuse that came to a head. It involved her trying to harm our family in such a way that it would have been devistating. What you have described is unfortunate since you find yourself in the middle, but it is not something that I would say rises to the level of complete estrangement. Guarded involvement from this point forward, perhaps.
First - your father may in fact have believed everything that you say he has said he believed. However, he likely had a lawyer - and a judge - explain everything to him. Even if he didn't, there was a resolution contract that he received a copy of with everything outlined. There would have been a total amount at some point discussed. His not checking his commitments is not your mother's duty or responsibility. Whatever you feel she should or shouldn't have done, and whatever is affecting your personal plans to marriage and whatever is being drudged up emotionally from having one more thing to deal with where your parents are concerned...he's not the guy he's trying to present himself to be. If he phrased it that way, the way you are sharing here, then he is not taking responsibility for his own failures at following through. Don't be snookered by that classic dysfunction move.
For your mother - do you know that she purposely planned and waited? I mean, has she outright said this or are you assuming (even based on history that is obvious)? She may be shady and greedy - but she's not as good at hiding and deflecting it as has your father. Whether she should have waited or not is one thing, but she is due the money per the divorce settlement that he agreed to - which would have included penalties for not following through - and both parties are responsible for making sure that their end of the deal is held. It seems to me that both of your parents are willing to sling mud and take casualties (you) but you are heavier against your mother - which needs to be looked at.
As for your wedding, it is unfortunate to say the least. Your father could still help you out if he wanted to, although the budget would need to reflect what he's capable of. If he can not help, then be thankful that for that one moment you and your FI actually made the wiser decision to get out of debt before your marriage started rather than to dump the largess into a wedding which will be over in a few hours. Pick up your wedding bill yourself, tell Dad that he should have honored his end of the deal with his mother and if he had he wouldn't have found himself in this position now - and that you will not listen to one word more about it...the divorce is over, and YOU don't have to be the only one reliving it in order to have a relationship with either one. You can tell your mother that you have no respect for her actions,* if it is true * that she waited purposely for the time. Do NOT tie that in with your wedding. That's selfish, and she'll use that right back on you. No sense calling out her selfishness and then be wide open for a retalitative remark. Discuss that you are disappointed in both your parents and that YOU are sick of finding yourself between Mom and Dad all over again - again, only if she admits that she was laying in wait. But ultimately it was HER money that your father owed her. The penalty was what HE incurred and could easily have prevented. Do not engage her further on this discussion or your own finanical situation.