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IL's and Dining Out
I have an odd situation occurring with my IL?s. When we get together we will occasionally meet for Sunday brunch at one particular restaurant they like where the food is good and very reasonably priced. For some odd reason, in the ten years we have know them, they have always arrived at any restaurant 20-30 minutes prior to the time they tell us to meet them at the restaurant. I have never understood why they do this, and I have never asked, but I assume they like to be punctual and to be late may cause anxiety.
At any rate, I have noticed on a number of occasions that when we arrive for brunch they will have already finished eating. They then tell us to go up and ?help ourselves? and then we come back to the table and watch us eat our meal. I am starting to find this rude on their part that they do not wait for us, we usually arrive on time, but on occasion may arrive 5-10 minutes late, which is not all that late. I brought this up to my DH but he does not want to say anything to his family about this.
We have thought of a couple of things we can do. We can ask to go to a different sit down restaurant, but I don?t think this may go over too well, because they are really attached to this restaurant, and may insist we eat there, again because the food is good and very inexpensive (senior discount). We may try arriving ? hour earlier, but then we would still need to wait for my BIL who would be arriving at the appointed time, and I would feel uncomfortable eating without him there and watching him and his SO eat. I feel like I would be joining in and engaging in the rude behavior also 
Any suggestions are appreciated, thanks.
Re: IL's and Dining Out
Early is on time, on time is late. If you and your H are arriving late, that's rude. Make an effort to be on time, every time.
As for the fact that this is ongoing, I would either ask them what's up with them coming early, or just start arriving 15 minutes early. Sit and drink a cup of coffee while you wait for your BIL and his SO. You don't have to eat without them just because your ILs do.
I find it quite odd that your husband cannot just ask his parents why they eat before everyone else gets there? I assume that if a family is able to have Sunday brunch every single Sunday for years, then they are able to converse with each other to a reasonable extent. This is something I would have talked to my parents about a long time ago.
You can't solve your issue until you solve this. There are too many different people, schedule and prefences.
You can say "Since you got here early and are done eating, I don't feel comfortable eating right now." Then don't eat but be pleasant and social. No one can force you to eat and it draws out your point vividly.
You don't need your DH's permission to do this, but it will impact on him and you should consider his feelings if you do.
I would mention it to DH and try to come up with a plan that works for the whole family.
If the restaurant is crowded, it's a little rude to take up the space for an extra 30 minutes. It almost doubles the time your party is sitting at that table and unless you tip the waitress extra, she's losing money by having one table "stagger" their eating vs. being able to have two separate parties arrive at the same time, eat and leave.
This is interesting. Do you have kids? Is it possible they think they're being considerate to you by eating early so that you can eat in peace and they can take care of the kids? Sometimes my family "eats in shifts" so that my brother and SIL can have a peaceful meal while my parents or I watch the kids.
If no kids...then think of it this way. If the restaurant is a buffet, maybe they just see it as a more casual, eat as you come breakfast. Sometimes when someone has a buffet dinner at their home, it's much more of a "stop in" thing. Maybe they see it that way, and the time is really more about spending time with you guys than it is eating together.
Either way, it doesn't strike me as rude...but rather that there's probably a reason for it.
I don't really care what the reason is. I just find it odd that their children have never brought it up. It's very odd to me when people can't have normal conversation. The first time it happened, it seems to me the average person would have brought it up.
If your DH is really a part of the "we" in your last paragraph, then really, the first thing he needs to do is just ask them "Why do you eat before we get there?" and be honest w/ them "we're a little uncomfortable when you do that. If you want to eat earlier, just let us all know. We'd prefer to come earlier than have you eat before we get there.".
Now- you could arrive early and when they say "lets eat", you can use that as an opportunity to say "I think it would be polite to wait until BIL gets here.
I will say this, though... you say "but on occasion may arrive 5-10 minutes late, which is not all that late."
to you it's not "all that late" (and to me it's not either!), but to your IL's, it could be late and they could be annoyed by it and they may be sitting their griping about how you all are rude.
Just something to think about. My IL's are often 45 - 60 mins late. INFURIATES me, but they are like "Oh, that's us! We always run late!" like we're supposed to just be cool w/ it.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
No kids are involved.
That's an interesting point. The problem is, my DH never "sees" anything wrong with anything that my IL's do, therefore, there is nothing for him to bring up. Therefore, I would have to find a way to drive the issue home with my DH to make him realize that there is something wrong with their behavior in order for him to address it, or I would have to say something to them, and I would rather not be the one to address it, KWIM?
If you had planned a dinner/brunch/whatever with another couple and when you arrived they had eaten, would your husband find that weird? If so, I don't understand why he can't see that something is off. I mean, I don't necessarily think it's wrong (that might be a strong word), it just doesn't make sense. I hate it when spouses can't see any wrong in their family's behavior. Sorry!
A part of me gets where you're coming from, but another part of me thinks "is this really a hill to die on?". If your DH really doesn't have a problem w/ it, and if his brother doesn't either, I don't know that I'd make a stink about it, to be honest.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Why not just ask them if they want you to arrive earlier so they don't have to sit and stare at you while you eat when you show up after they do? Then you can ALL chat for a bit after you are done eating and not have food in your mouth when they ask questions. But I will say if you're showing up late 5-10 min is rude.
In the end, I do agree with Eastcoast...is this really a hill to die on?
OP, I notice you mentioned in the 10 years "we" have known them they have been doing this. But it's not really "we" is it? It's the 10 years you have known them. I'm guessing that for your H they have behaved this way his entire life. So of course he doesn't see anything wrong with it. He is used to it.
Yes, it does seem really annoying. But like others said this is not the hill to die on. Either keep going as you are or get there earlier. Though I have noticed this about people who tend to be early. If other people involved in the event start showing up early then they start getting there even earlier.
For me this would be one of those annoyingly odd things that our families do - that we would then joke about. not something to get all worked up about. Sure, I'd make a comment to them about having to watch me eat. And sure, I think it's really strange that your DH can't ask them about it. but overall....not big deal.
Being 10 minutes late is rude....in my book anyway. What they do is odd and a bit quirky.
For the past 10 years since I have known them they show up at restaurants early.
As far as eating brunch at this particular restaurant and eating before us, I don't know exactly how long that has been happening. Maybe a year or year and a half.
It sounds like the IL's are always early. And it sounds like this particular restaurant has a buffet. Instead of sitting around until you arrive, they "help themselves" to the buffet. When you meet at non-buffet type restaurant, do they order before you come? Probably not. Maybe they are tempted to eat before you come because the food is out. Maybe they are just hungry. If they have been doing this for a year, I would let it go, or I would ask them myself.
this seems over the top to me...are they trying to keep to a medication schedule. Do you have kids? My IL's would be the type to eat quickly so they could hold/entertain kids to let me eat (annoying but you know the basis of it is a good intention)
I would plan to arrive early and surprise them, if they inquire say "we wanted to get here early to actually eat with you"...or arrive early, then when asked why you aren't going to the buffet (hold off), say "Well I want to wait for BIL and wife to get here so they don't have to eat alone" and hope they follow in suit.
Or one time,l sweetly smile and say "I like it better if we all actually eat together" or "I tried getting here earlier so I could actually eat with you" or "how come we're always eating at different times"
Why don't you just tell them:
"We want to be able to eat with you, so the next time we meet, would you like us to show up 30 minutes prior to the agreed upon time or would you like to wait for us?"
I also think it's weird, but different strokes for different folks. They might have a completely benign reason for doing what they do.
I might just "ask why" they get there so early because I am curious why someone has to be at a restaurant 1/2 hour earlier than the time they tell us to show up! Actually, we always go and hang out at their house afterwards for dessert so its not a "eat and run" meeting. As far as them not wanting us to watch them eat, when we go to a sit down restaurant, this does not happen, they wait for us before they order, lol.
Arriving late once in a blue moon is one thing, but arriving late on occasion is rude. Arriving late when you know they've been there even earlier is not what I would consider ok unless there was an emergency of some sort. I have zero problem with you arriving on the time you agreed upon when setting the brunch-date, and allowing them to wait. I would feel uncomfortable eating by ourselves with others at the table not dining. I have zero problem suggesting another restaurant even if you have the same waiting issues.
But my over riding question is this - have you actually brought up the fact that their habit is to be so very early...I mean with them, not your DH, not your BIL?
When making plans with people, if I see they have a routine habit of showing up late or showing up early, I adjust accordingly - but that is just me, and isn't necessarily a must.
Next time plans are made, you may wish to bring it up this way, "MIL, about meeting at 11:00a next Sunday - we've long noticed that you and FIL must be arriving at 10:30 as you've already eaten by the time we arrive. DH and I would feel more comfortable eating with you rather than by ourselves. Would you care for us just to meet at 10:30a instead, or could you meet with us for a meal at 11a?"
I agree with all of this.
Just wondering - do your ILs have dentures? I know a lot of older people who do have issues with being seen eating and prefer to keep it private.
Otherwise, if you don't get your H on the same page as yourself, this isn't going to get solved and in time, will be more and more infuriating to you. Talk to your H and tell him that together, you need to come up with an acceptable solution - either not eating with them anymore, or him having a convo with them, or something else.
Well, a couple thoughts on this. I know there are weird things my family does that don't seem weird to me because I'm used to them, or things that I know are weird but (since I know my family) I know and am more sympathetic to the reasons behind doing them. That said- I feel like there should be more to his story than "I don't want to talk to them about it." Why not? Because he thinks this is fine? Because he knows of an issue that embarasses them to eat in front of others (anxiety, denture problems, medical issues, etc.)? Because he thinks this is so minor that bringing it up would be a bigger issue than just dealing with it? What are his thoughts here?
The first time I showed up and they had already eaten, I'm sure I would have said, "I thought we were meeting at 11:00- are we late? I'm so sorry, I really thought we were meeting at 11:00," because the only scenario I could have imagined at that point was that I got the time wrong, we were late, and they got tired of waiting and ate without us. And that would have given them the opportunity to say, "Oh, no, we decided to come and eat before you all came- we prefer to just sit and chat instead of all be worrying about getting through the buffet line at the same time," or "Oh, no, we decided to eat earlier and just wait and chat with you all when you got here." (if it was a reason they didn't want to share) Which would have given you the chance to decide whether you want to keep meeting them and stagger eating or if you want to suggest meeting during a non-meal time.
And- if they had done this once or twice and you were just saying something, I could see choosing to bring it up now. If this has been going on for a year and a half with no one saying anything about it- honestly, I think you already made the choice, a long time ago, to just go with it and privately think it was odd. And I say that because things that really bother us enough to speak up about are things we DO speak up about pretty quickly- if you've been letting this go for a year and a half, then this doesn't sound like it's a big deal to you.