Minneapolis/St. Paul Nesties
Mr. Sammy Dog
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maiden/married name decision ... any regrets?
This board has been soooooooooo slow ... so I thought I'd start a discussion.
A post on the MM board about changing last names after divorce got me thinking about this topic.
Did you take your husband's name when you married? Keep your maiden? Hyphenate? Pick a new name altogether? Something else?
What were the main reasons you made that choice?
Do you have any regrets about your decision?
Mr. Sammy Dog
Re: maiden/married name decision ... any regrets?
I took his name. I didn't have really strong feelings either way. I normally balk a bit at doing what is "expected" but in this case I just didn't care. I will say I did "mourn" my maiden name for awhile but after 3+ years I'm over that.
I think my maiden name would make a cute middle name for a boy so maybe we'll do that someday if we find a baby boy in our lives.
To answer the question:
I kept my maiden name, for 2 main reasons:
1) I really like my name and didn't want to give up a piece of my identity that is really important to me, and didn't think I would feel any less married with a different last name as my husband.
2) Andy was married once before me, and his first wife has the same first and middle names as me. I know, it's a funny coincidence, but my first and middle names are common, so I suppose it's not that strange. I've met numerous people who share my first & middle names. In any case, if I took Andy's last name, I would have the exact same name as his first wife. That just seemed way too weird to me. I mean, his ex lives 2000 miles away and he has absolutely no contact with her, nor does anyone else in his family, but still. Too weird.
I'm still happy with my choice, for the most part.
Once in awhile, it bugs me that we can't really identify ourselves with a family name. For example, we can't sign a Christmas card with something like "Merry Christmas from the Andersons" (neither of us are Andersons ... just an example). And I get slightly annoyed sometimes when people call me "Sara Anderson" when that's not my name. I realize that's going to happen, so I try not to let it bother me too much.
Mr. Sammy Dog
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I took my H's name, and I'm glad I did. It just seems like a nice symbol of unity to share the same last name once you're married. (I don't think people who keep their maiden name are any less united, but this was just the right choice for us.)
Sometimes I wish I would have kept my maiden name as a second middle name because I am really close with my family and connected to my heritage. My maiden name was super common though so I just decided it was easier not to keep 2 middle names
My married last name is pretty strange so it can get irritating to say it and spell it, but it's not a huge deal anymore.
This is me exactly, I am glad I took my H's name, but going from a really common last name that really did mean something to me about my heritage to a not common name and now having to spell both my first and last names out for people is a little annoying. I kind of wish I would have thought about keeping it as a middle name. I for sure want to use it in a name for one of our kids someday.
My dad and I do not have much of a relationship at all. I was happy to get rid of my maiden name. I also went from a very complicated, un-pronouncable name to a very easy one. I have no regrets and would not have done anything differently.
One of the guys that works where I work got married and his wife did not take his last name. Then when they just had their first kid last month the baby took the wife's last name, not his. That was super weird to me. I was under the impression that if a husband/wife did that the child still usually took the husband's name or at least a hyphenation of them both...
I took his. I don't really care one way or the other. Both names are ridiculous (his and my maiden name). I've never understood the name as identity thing, for me, my name is what I'm called, not who I am.
*shrug*
Nicole and Sam 10/3/09
I was going to keep my maiden name and then I made a last minute decision to hyphenate my last name. I was literally in sight of the marriage license counter, pulled a pen out of my purse and hyphenated it. Who the he!! knows what came over me.
I have huge regrets. I was my maiden name for 31 years and that's who I am. I don't feel like this name fits me at all and I hate the comments I get from random people. Unfortunately, I don't have a spare $300-something to have it legally changed back. I use my full name on legal documents but I rarely sign with my full name.
Tired after a long morning of hiking and swimming.
I've heard lots of different ways of handling this. One family I know gave the first child the dad's last name, the second child was given the mom's last name, and they will keep alternating if they have more kids. That seems really confusing.
We've agreed that if we have kids, they'll have his last name, and my last name will be their middle name.
Mr. Sammy Dog
I took his name. I didn't have super strong opinions either way, but I didn't want our children to be have to figure out why mom and dad have different names (it was really confusing for me when I was a young babysitter). Also, I was just about done with school and about to take the NCLEX, so it seems like a good time to change if ever.
I do get annoyed though when he calls me by my maiden name when I do something dumb - it feels like an insult to my whole family.
I am divorced. I took my ex-husband's name when we married (I kept my maiden name as a second middle name). But it was the first thing I got rid of when we got divorced. Literally, the day after I left, I had IT change my company email.The whole time I was married (and maybe this is a comment on the marriage) I felt like I was lying when I said my name. I hated using it and signing it the whole time.
I am in a serious relationship right now, likely someday headed toward marriage. But I will never change my name again. It's a huge part of who I am now...and for the rest of my life. It's a connection to my father, and a constant reminder never to allow myself to lose who I am because of another person, marriage or not.
I hyphenated! I know, I know... totally old-school. NOBODY hyphenates anymore, and everyone haaaaaates hyphenated names. But... I love it!
I didn't want to take my husband's name (feminist-y reasons), but I also didn't want to keep my maiden name (dad/family reasons). I had no interest in choosing a new name (too indecisive), or asking my husband to do so (he strongly identifies with his last name, which is Chinese).
Two things I LOVE about my hyphenated name:
1) I'm now 100% unique. There is no other person in the world (or at least, in the google records) with my name combination. I'm irrationally pleased by this
I shared my old name with a romance novelist, a photographer, a cancer researcher, and a gazillion other people whose email I would constantly receive....
2) It already sounded "right" to me, because it's how we've referred to our household for years. The "Name1-Name2" household. I'd already gotten used to hearing that name combo, and it just felt natural to switch to that.
The one thing I DON'T love about the hyphenated name is that computer systems have a hard time with it. It's annoying to have to keep track of how my name is entered in various systems and go through all the options.
One thing that most people freak out about that doesn't matter at all to me is the whole "WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN?!?!" question. Seriously--people panic at the idea that you might give your children a hyphenated last name--the HORROR. But no fear... my children will have my husband's last name. I have no interest in actually passing ON my maiden name. My crazy unique hyphenated name stays with me
ETA: Sorry--this was really long. I guess I get excited about my name
See, this part didn't bother me at all. I know a lot of people worry about this, but it wasn't a big thing for me. Kids end up with different names than one (or both) of their parents for lots of different reasons.
Andy has a different last name than his mom. His parents divorced when he was 9, mom remarried 2 years later and took 2nd husband's name. They get along just fine as mother & son even though they haven't shared a last name for the past 22+ years.
Mr. Sammy Dog
This is my second marriage.
My first I took his last name, and went back to my maiden name ASAP upon our divorce. I still get mail 11 years later, and a couple addresses later in that name and it still bothers me.
I also took my current husband's last name.
I was happy to take his. I ALWAYS have to spell out my first and maiden last name, and I was tired of it. I also really do not feel a big link at all to my maiden name because I am adopted. I love my dad so much and dearly, but I do not feel that heritage link to the name.
DH and I talked about changing our last name completely before we got married. He wanted to keep his same initials, so we browsed through all the last names with the same letter. He decided he liked his last name and didn't want to change it, or explain it to everyone.
Some of my women friends who kept their maiden name gave their kids their husband's name, and some gave them their maiden name. I think for my women friends who gave their children their name, it came down to a combination of the woman having stronger/more positive ties to her name and family than the husband did to theirs... (whereas in my case, the opposite is true, so I would rather my kids have my husband's last name).
One of these friends recently had Baby#2 and was initially going to give Baby #2 the husband's last name, but then they decided it was more important that the siblings share last names with each other than each parent "getting" one child.
We both hyphenated to the same name. D wanted to change to his mom's last name from his dad's last name anyway. So we both changed to mylastname-hislastname.
My name isn't as much of a big deal as using the title Ms. at school. My kids can't understand why I'm married and I go by Ms. instead of Mrs. (They think Ms. means single.) I just tell them to pop an apostrophe in Mr's and they have their answer.
I took his name and moved mine to 2nd place middle - but still sometimes double-barrel it with the DH's last name. Plus some friends think I actually did hyphenate so they put both. Five years on and people seem to have finally realized what is what - but even in year 3 DH was asking me which way I preferred it!
I really don't care how I am addressed - except that being known as Mrs. Chris LastName makes my skin crawl!
As for why I took it - I simply wanted to have something personal to share with him. He doesn't wear a wedding ring, so I guess the shared name is symbolic of our partnership . . . or something like that. It wasn't particularly important to him, but his family is pretty traditional and they already see me as a bit non-conformist (or at least as the liberal American - ha!), so it was a nice gesture to keep them happy.
I like my maiden name - it was short and sweet - so I am happy I kept it in some form and it still can appear on things without looking odd. DH's name and my name together is a little quirky (both are shorter and sort of describe emotions/personality traits) but I am getting used to it. I usually just go by First Name, Both Middle Initials, Last Name.
I haven't posted in a while but had extra time before work this morning and lurking and thought I'd reply/ :-)
We choose a completely new last name. Our thought process was: I did not want to take DH's last name for feminist reasons, DH wasn't too keen on my last name, I didn't really care for my last name anyways, DH did not want to hyphenate and we both wanted the same last name. In the end we decided the best option, and only one we were both completely happy with, would be to choose a completely new last name. We did and we have zero regrets. I love the last name and DH has no regrets about it either.
I'm sure many friends/family have talked about us behind our backs about how "weird" it is, etc. etc. but since it doesn't affect them....they shouldnt' have a problem. DH and I sre happy with our decision and don't really care what others think.
I think that people can choose what is best for them and I find it weird that someone would think it's weird for the child to take the mom's last name.I think it makes sense for the child to take the mom's last name and would assume people would do this but wouldn't find either choice odd.
When trying to decide what to do about our last name DH and I discussed that if we both had different last names our kids would have my last name - even though we're adopting.
Ditto this - I go by Ms. Lastname, not Mrs. I'll correct people and I think it's funny that they are usually shocked that "I can do that.". Um, you can go by whatever you want. There's no law that says you must go by Mrs. just because you're married...
D?os mio, this post got long....:-
I took DH's name. My maiden name wasn't really our family last name anyway, so it didn't really matter - my grandparents changed it when they immigrated here and my grandmother couldn't pronounce it when she married my grandfather (think of a french person trying to speak finnish...).
DH has an odd last name. I get tired of spelling it and pronouncing it.
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