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SarahBethBR · January 2011

CaptainSerious:

We totally had to fall in love. It was one of the most scary things about adopting an older child, especially once we met him, and he wasn't a mix of the two of us, but a completely different individual, with his own personality and tastes. But all of adoption is a huge leap of faith, and we just had to believe that God wouldn't lead us to this child for it not to work out. So, we got to know him for who he is, and we couldn't help but fall in love.

This is really, really sweet. Really sweet.

About your answer to my earlier question, wow. I have to say that I've been so in awe of all of the blind people I've met and known. How amazing/scary/exhilarating must freaking SKIING be for them? That is so cool! That's a really neat thing to be involved in. You guys are good people.

CaptainSerious · January 2011

pdxmouse:

Do you have a pretty good grasp on how old M might be now? IIRC, there was quite the range. Do you worry about him starting adolescence before you've gotten really settled (I almost said congealed) as a family?

Officially, M turns 8 this Groundhog's Day. Unofficially, he might be up to a year and a half older, based on his teeth, bones, and size.

I worry about him going through puberty before the other kids in his class. We've got him in 1st grade when most the 7-8 year olds are in 2nd. He towers over the kids in his class, and is already playing with himself and noticing/making comments about things. I keep telling my husband that he's going to have to have a "private vs. public" talk with him sooner rather than later.

At our first teacher conference, the teacher told us that he was hugging the other kids, which startled some of them because 1) they aren't used to it and 2) he's so much bigger than them it's like big bear hugs. They were working on keeping his hands to himself. I just fear that it will only be a year or two before we're going to get a call about inappropriate touching.

I'm not too worried about the adjusment talking so long that he'll already be starting adolescence (I pray not!). I think what usually happens is that he'll be pretty much settled in within another 6 months to a year, but will have times that hit him hard as he ages. There will be triggers throughout his life, and time periods when he will reevaluate what his past and his adoption mean in terms of his identity. Our therapist predicts that sometime around when he turns 14 we'll be dealing with the real issues of his self image and how adoption will play into it.

pdxmouse:

Holding Bug at bedtime is so bittersweet for me now b/c at 11, I probably won't get to do that all that much longer. It made me wonder what it would be like if I hadn't gotten those first 7 years. It also made me realize that although we're our kids' parents for the rest of our lives, actually living together as a family is a pretty small fraction of that.

You're still just as much his mom, and always will be, but the time you'll get that living together is even briefer. Well, unless he becomes a 30 yo basement dweller and you have to tell him you're going to stop doing his laundry so he'll finally move out.

For me, it's not about how soon I'll "lose" him, it's about all those important years I couldn't be there for him up until now. It kills me, knowing what he's been through, and that I couldn't protect him. I get violently mad when I think of how difficult it is to trust us and our love because the people who should have loved him best hurt and abandoned him. While I'm agree at his biological family, I hate the other adoptive family that deserted him after discovering his heart condition. I hate that he will be dealing with these things the rest of his life and that he had to suffer through them all alone. THOSE are the years that I will forever miss by adopting him as a 7 year old.

CaptainSerious · January 2011

FallinAgain:
If you are still coming back, I'd like to hear you thoughts on nature v. nurture. I think nature plays a pretty big role. We have talked about adoption. One of my honest fears is getting a child who background you don't really know opens the door to a number of mental illnesses and just generally personality defects. I know having bio kids doesn't guarantee against that, but the risk seems greater with adoption. It scares me.

Did you see what I wrote about how funny M is above? While I'm angry at M's biological family, I do owe them my son's life. They, along with the people who raised him, are the ones who've made him who he is today. My husband and I always wonder when we can start "taking credit" for the good things about M and what he does. Right now, I'm totally indebted to the people who raised him into such a loving, kind, strong, persevering boy.

That's not to say that he didn't come with traits he'll have to learn to manage, like stubbornness (but who am I kidding, so would my biological child!). I don't know how much is biological and how much is nurture. Perhaps my judgement is clouded by my love for the orphanage workers (and my anger at M's bio family), so I'd like to believe most of it was the workers, but I do believe that many of his specific traits and tastes are due to his bio parents.

I personally, believe that a lot of personality can be molded and managed, like I said about stubbornness. The mental illness concern is therefore a bigger one in my mind, and the key is to make sure that the path you chose for your adoption is an ethical one and allows you to stipulate some parameters. In our case, Peru will share ALL the information they have on a child. We have files that are hundreds of pages long and include reports from all medical, psychological, and social work visits. With this information, a doctor specializing in adoption can help you flush out if there are any warning signs for delays, mental illness, and/or attachment difficulties. Of course there are some mental illnesses that don't present until a person is in adolescence or older, and so you just don't know. You can make your best guess based on the little bit of information available about the parents (sometimes they do know if the parents suffer mental illness). And, as I said about falling in love, at some point, you just have to take that leap of faith when it comes to this area if you are going to adopt. There's no way to know for sure, you just have to research and trust the people you're working with to share everything they have (in domestic, some birth families will disclose this) and make the best choices you can, and hold on tight. I know, not really reassuring.

In our case, M's father was married to someone other than M's mother and wanted no part in M's upbringing (I'm guessing he was just a cheat and not mentally ill and therefore unable to parent) and M's mother was an alcoholic. So, our fear is that M will have alcoholic tendencies as he ages rather than mental illness.

CaptainSerious · January 2011

saraandmichael:
CaptainSerious:
I came to the sad realization that my brother and I do not see the world the same way a long time ago, so even though it bothers me that no matter how much I try to explain he just won't understand, I can kind of just shrug it off and know that he will just never understand. I just pray that any children he has are born healthy.

totally interrupting, but this fvckingshit infuriates me! you have posted about that once before when i was asking all sorts of questions about adoption that one day on ml.

i didnt adopt. i have two biological children and one of them has a lifelong genetic blood disorder that hopefully won't kill him, though its already tried to.

your brother can go eat a d!ck.

Sara, I completely understand what you're saying, and believe me, I was pretty upset at him for a long time. Adoption is such a weird world, though, because you can actually pick things like that. You can actually say, "I only want a healthy, white baby" and the only feedback you'll get it that it may take longer than if you considered being more open in your "preferences."

We had to sit down with a long list of illnesses, disorders, delays, and disabilities on more than one occasion and specifically say if we'd consider a child with that particular condition, and if so, in what circumstances. It's not only surreal, it was the most difficult thing we had to do in terms of paperwork.

So given that context, I can see why my brother said the things he did; I just don't agree with him at all. Our main consideration when determining what medical conditions we were open to was whether we felt we had the resources to properly address the issue and if the child would be able to life independently as an adult (because we didn't feel we could adopt a child and then have them become someone else's responsibility when we could no longer care for them).

CaptainSerious · January 2011

Thanks, Kay. That's real sweet.

jens_a_ten · January 2011

I want to say that Kamikaze's comment was a *** move, but it was also kind of valid. Maybe misplaced, but not untrue.

Captain, I can't imagine how heartbreaking it must be to have to face what M has gone through, wishing you could have been there to protect and love him. And how tough it is to deal with the emotional consequences of his abandonment. But what a unique and beautiful experience it will be for M to realize and trust your unconditional parental love (and he will). And I'm sure that he will be happy, and hopeful, and a dreamer, and an eternal optimist, because how could he not be when you found each other against so many odds?

CaptainSerious · January 2011

SarahBethBR:
About your answer to my earlier question, wow. I have to say that I've been so in awe of all of the blind people I've met and known. How amazing/scary/exhilarating must freaking SKIING be for them? That is so cool! That's a really neat thing to be involved in. You guys are good people.

Seriously, SB. It's so freaky. I've tried to ski with my eyes closed and a guide, and I just can't do it. I can't trust them for the life of me. I know it's different for someone who's used to not seeing, but I just can't get over it. I equate it to swinging with your eyes closed--you know how you always feel your much higher than you really are? Now imagine skiing. My balance was way off, I kept thinking I had gone in one direction much further than I actually had, and I thought the slope was much steeper than it really was.

I also really love the sit skiers and the amputees that ski standing up. This last weekend I skied with a guy who lost his leg below the knee 2 years ago. He skied for 10 years prior to the accident, and tried skiing with his prosthetic (most our clients ski without them). It was his first day back on skis, he was amazing right out of the gate, and I spent the day chasing him down the mountain. So much fun!

modb1rd · January 2011

I think I am going to sound flip but I don;t mean it that way. As an adoptee I've always thought my parents had it sort of lucky. All teenagers hate their parents for a while, if you adopted your child, you already have a pretty good guess as to why your kid will hate you and you can prepare.

However, my mom was not ready for my early 20s passionate anger toward white people and the decimation of native american families through adoption. I got over it but yeah I was a bitter littlebitch for a while.

CaptainSerious · January 2011

jens_a_ten:

Captain, I can't imagine how heartbreaking it must be to have to face what M has gone through, wishing you could have been there to protect and love him. And how tough it is to deal with the emotional consequences of his abandonment. But what a unique and beautiful experience it will be for M to realize and trust your unconditional parental love (and he will). And I'm sure that he will be happy, and hopeful, and a dreamer, and an eternal optimist, because how could he not be when you found each other against so many odds?

Thanks, Jens. That's one of the sweetest things anyone has ever said to me.

salimoo · January 2011

One of my close friends in HS is an accomplished monoskiier and has won different awards and races. I'm in awe of what he can do. The picture in this article is crazy!

http://www.conncoll.edu/news/archives/852.cfm

CaptainSerious · January 2011

modb1rd:

I think I am going to sound flip but I don;t mean it that way. As an adoptee I've always thought my parents had it sort of lucky. All teenagers hate their parents for a while, if you adopted your child, you already have a pretty good guess as to why your kid will hate you and you can prepare.

This made me laugh. M already tells us when he's mad that we don't love him (or vice versa) and that he doesn't want to live here. The other day he started a new thing of cursing us out while throwing a tantrum, so we've got that going for us.

modb1rd:

However, my mom was not ready for my early 20s passionate anger toward white people and the decimation of native american families through adoption. I got over it but yeah I was a bitter littlebitch for a while.

So, since M's most likely descendant of the Quechua, should I prepare for him to hate me for the imperialists that took over Peru for the gold and left the native people to squander in poverty? Oy, I don't think I could handle that.

Okay, so I wasn't adopted. My maternal grandfather fought under duress for the Germans in WWII, was listed as missing, and never returned. I went through a phase during my teens and 20s when I was intensely angered by people who hated Germans for the war, the Pope for apologizing, Hitler for existing, etc. So is this a typical teen/finding yourself thing, or should I really be preparing for something of greater magnitude tying into his self-worth?

CaptainSerious · January 2011

That's awesome, Moo.

And, I'm very sorry for your loss.

modb1rd · January 2011

It never had anything to do with my self-worth but I was an oddly confident child without being arrogant/overconfident. But I do think M will probably feel some anger over the race/poverty issue especially in late teens early adulthood (although I generally think women both feel and share their feelings about identity and anger over feeling sublimated more than men).

I would be surprised if the anger is as rooted in the history of the Imperialist takeover of Peru. If I had to guess it would be around just the concept of international and interracial adoption. My parents (mother) handled a couple of the issues around it poorly so I was ripe for it, but it was when I learned how often children were removed from parents against the parents wishes, how some children died because parents were afraid to seek medical attention and have the child removed by social workers, and how there was almost a premium on mixed race children for adoption that I really went over the edge. If Peru ever faces any of the Guatemala and Korea type of IA backlash and scrutiny I think M is more likely to have some anger.

Key is even at my angriest, when I really was angry with my mom in particular, I loved them very much and our relationship stayed pretty good. So don't worry but yeah don't be surprised either.

modb1rd · January 2011

oh and sublimated is supposed to be subjugated. having a word salad day

CaptainSerious · January 2011

I was sort of joking about the imperialist stuff, but I am glad it made you elaborate. I really appreciate your giving me your ideas of where his anger might surface.

I really didn't much about race anger, but I can see now how it could tie in to the rich outsiders (white people) taking poor (brown) babies away from their homes. M's already very conscious of people he perceives as poor, cold, or hungry. He also has already said that when he is an adult he wants to work in an office like my husband, rather than outside (like our lawn guy), so it's apparent the disparity is in the forefront of his mind. I guess I need to be prepared that there will be a time when that will manifest as anger.

It's hard for me to imagine the relationship staying strong during those periods of anger, but I trust you that somehow it did/does. This is all great information for me to know, so it won't come as a shock when it comes, and maybe we can head it off when we see it coming down the pass. As for now, I'd like to just get through this first transition, even as we're thinking of bringing another child home.

modb1rd · January 2011

Your seriousness must be rubbing off on me. :-D

Kamikaze3 · January 2011

Fozzy0802909:
Kamikaze3:

Fozzy, I think what Captain is trying to say as nicely as possible is people that scream, "you are my problem" at their pregnant wife probably should not consider adopting.

Captain, I think what you did for M is wonderful. You are well aware of the challenges that will come up and embrace them. He is lucky to have you as parents.

Thanks so much for taking my compliment to Captain and using them as an opportunity to throw my marital problems in my face. I hope that makes you feel better as it was completely unnecessary. Note I said someday. Not now. Not in the immediate future. I've vocalized that I am actively looking to find someone that will be a good match for our situation to get some help. I believe people can change and with work, my marriage will be fine. Thanks so much for your concern.

Oh calm down, I was not trying to be an a**. Maybe it came out harsh and I should not have assumed that was what Captain meant but for me it was a legit concern. Someone in your situation should not probably be even considering taking on the responsibility of adopting a child until things are drastically different. I was not taking a chance to throw your marital problems in your face. I feel sorry for your situtation and I am glad you are getting help. Marriages have ups and downs but you cannot post about what a jerk your husband is in one post and then how you hope to adopt someday in another and think someone would not suggest this is not the best idea.

RFKD82909 · January 2011

Kamikaze3:
Fozzy0802909:
Kamikaze3:

Fozzy, I think what Captain is trying to say as nicely as possible is people that scream, "you are my problem" at their pregnant wife probably should not consider adopting.

Captain, I think what you did for M is wonderful. You are well aware of the challenges that will come up and embrace them. He is lucky to have you as parents.

Thanks so much for taking my compliment to Captain and using them as an opportunity to throw my marital problems in my face. I hope that makes you feel better as it was completely unnecessary. Note I said someday. Not now. Not in the immediate future. I've vocalized that I am actively looking to find someone that will be a good match for our situation to get some help. I believe people can change and with work, my marriage will be fine. Thanks so much for your concern.

Oh calm down, I was not trying to be an a**. Maybe it came out harsh and I should not have assumed that was what Captain meant but for me it was a legit concern. Someone in your situation should not probably be even considering taking on the responsibility of adopting a child until things are drastically different. I was not taking a chance to throw your marital problems in your face. I feel sorry for your situtation and I am glad you are getting help. Marriages have ups and downs but you cannot post about what a jerk your husband is in one post and then how you hope to adopt someday in another and think someone would not suggest this is not the best idea.

I get what you're saying. I really do. I've wanted to adopt since I was a teenager. I know that now would NOT be the time but I do hope to live a long life and would love the opportunity in the future. Perhaps it was worded incorrectly and sent up red flags. I assure you that I'm not so stupid to think that now would be the proper time. We have a lot of work to do and it will take time.

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