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Am I bad at compromising?
Hi all,
I'm new here, but it looks like lots of you have good ideas so I wanted to reach out. Background to get to (what I think is) the heart of the issue:
I'm engaged, getting married on Oct. 1. This means that at the moment I'm putting together our registry. I've tried to get my fianc?'s opinion on almost everything, but not overwhelm him. I'm just trying to put together a good starter household. He thinks we don't need anything new and that I'm trying to take over his house and redecorate the whole thing. I've tried really hard not to do that, but I want new sheets. And a duvet for the bed, since I get really cold at night and his current quilt just really doesn't work for me. I literally wake up shivering.
At issue today was said duvet. He doesn't want one at all, because he thinks they look dumb. He's said everything I pick looks dumb. I am trying to go with a style that fits his stated preference for simple lines and classic colors, as opposed to my preference for French Country and English Manor. He simply stated he doesn't want a duvet, and then accused me of not wanting to compromise.
I feel like I cater to his tastes a lot; he doesn't like patterns, so I've stopped buying clothes with patterns even though I love a good print. He thinks gold looks cheap, so I don't wear gold even though silver-tone makes me look sickly. He doesn't like boots, so I don't wear my fabulous knee-highs around him. And I am really trying to compromise between making his bachelor pad into an adult-looking home with a cohesive sense of style and not going overboard with the more opulent style I really enjoy.
The bigger issue here is that I *think* I'm compromising, but maybe I'm not? Should the "compromise" be that I just don't decorate anything? How do you all compromise? Do I have the wrong attitude?
Re: Am I bad at compromising?
Why are you marrying this guy? You should not have to completely change yourself in order to make your partner happy.
The big issue here is not a duvet, the big issue is that you are engaged to a jerk. Move out and buy yourself a patterned gold duvet for your new apartment.
Agreed. It sounds like he is the one who is not good at compromising.
You should be able to add your own personal touches to the house you will be sharing so you don't just feel like a guest in his home. And for the love of god, wear whatever the hell you want to. I would rethink the marriage, if I were you.
This whole paragraph is confusing me? Are you seriously saying that you are dressing to comply with his tastes and preferences? I mean I can understand if you bought him clothes and changed that, but your own?
No, you do not have the wrong attitude at all. As far as us compromising. We try to have a house be as gender neutral as possible. DH's mom is really really into that country cutesy craftsy stuff and I hate that. I just hate anything too feminine and I also hate anything to masculine either. Through the years we seems to have compromised on a more traditional / classic style.
Him not liking certain duvets isn't unreasonable.
Him expecting you to change your entire wardrobe because of stuff he doesn't like is ENTIRELY unreasonable. He sounds like a controlling jerk. Does he also tell you what to do, how to spend your time and who to hang out with? If not, I wouldn't be surprised if he starts doing that very soon.
Re-think marrying someone who expects you to change so many things about yourself.
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To clarify that paragraph and sound a little less doormat-y, I do still wear all these things if I'm not around him. To work, running errands, etc, as appropriate. When I'm around him, I wear things more to his taste because I always adjust my wardrobe to the specific audience. I want him to find me attractive, and not that he DOESN'T find me desirable in a print, just that he prefers a solid with pumps instead of boots.
And, sidenote, he grew up with the country cutesy stuff and it makes me want to vomit a little. I just want a classy and sophisticated home d?cor, because that's what makes me comfortable. Which is what home should be.
You need to work on your self-esteem. I'm not being snarky, I'm being serious.
When I was in London, I bought this fabulous headband with feathers. DH thought it was somewhat ridiculous-looking but I loved it. The few times I've worn it (I have discovered there are limited occasions where you can wear such a headpiece lol), DH has told me I look great. What my DH prefers is not even a thought in my mind when I'm getting dressed, and he loves me enough to not try to control what I wear.
I still say the problem here is your fiance, not a duvet.
Does he have country taste? Does he think that is how a home should look? If so you will just have to put your foot down. Not saying you should go the opposite way but there has to be a compromise.
We used to have a few problems with decorating. He think our house looks bare because, well, he is used to clutter and lots of crap everywhere. I think our house looks fine but am not opposed to having a few more pictures on the wall. I just refuse to have something with too many flowers. I hate flowers. I don't think DH likes flowers he is just used to it.
Sorry OP, I'm not sure there is a way to explain it away.
Like the other posters have said, you shouldn't have to change your tastes, and your dress for your partner. I don't particularly love the way my H dresses but I don't comment on it. If he's happy, and he thinks he looks good then that is all that matters to me.
If this were about black, round dishes versus white, square dishes I'd probably feel differently but based on your two posts your FI thinks that he should be in charge of everything and that makes him sound a touch like a controlling jerk.
If you cannot work through these issues (dishes, shirts, wall decor) you're going to have a big struggle with things like how much to save, where to spend your money where to go on vacations. I suggest putting the gift registry and the wedding on hold and seeking some relationship therapy to learn what compromise is, and how to do it, before you get too committed here.
Well, that comment sure didnt make you sound any less doormatty.
It makes you sound more like a stepford wife.
My DH prefers me to not wear black, but I wear it anyway (both around him and away from him) because he can have an opinion about what I wear but he doesn't have control over it.
He's terrible at compromise, beyond that he's controlling you to the point where you feel like you have to only wear what he prefers around him.
Sorry, double post.
Maybe you should let him know that while he can do whatever he wants on his own time, you would prefer that he not wear his douche hat when you're around.
Seriously, run for the hills.
This isn't compromising. This is you giving in to him, and him getting what he wants, all the time. You can't wear things you like around him because he may not like them? Tell him to get the eff over it. And who doesn't want to register for all new stuff???
wow. first things first-he's not wearing the boots. part of being an individual is being yourself and not doing a 180 'only with him' just because he doesn't like boots. who cares if he doesn't? you do! and you'll be wearing the boots. turn the tables adn see what happens 'honey the button down shirts are awful'. do you think he'd stop wearing them around you? nope. not a chance.
so clearly you're a perfect fit. you do exactly what he wants.
as for the duvet and being chilly-i LOVE down comforters but DH hates them. so we don't use one. we found another blanket that I'm just as happy with and he's happy too. that's the art of compromise-you find something that you can both agree on. he doesn't want a duvet-fine then don't get one, but if you're THAT cold then you need to get a blanket that will keep you warm, heavier pajamas, socks or turn the heat up. you both need to meet in themiddle=i dont see either of you compromising on this duvet thing. i think you both need to bend. also-could it be that he's always warm (like my DH) and I'm always colder-that leads to me having an extra throw over me at night and dh only using a sheet to sleep.
Is your self-esteem that cracked that you're actually considering marrying this controlling, selfish, douchecanoe?
Good job
http://pandce.proboards.com/index.cgi#general
I think you FI is the one who can't compromise.
Sure there are things MH hates that I wear but I wear them not him...I don't tell MH what to wear so why should he tell me. Hunny wear what you want and register for what you want.
You need to sit down with your FI and figure out if this is really gonna work, if you two can't agree or compromise on registry items how are you going to agree when it comes to bigger things?
I wear things more to his taste because I always adjust my wardrobe to the specific audience
mmmmm....im not touching that one!
Why would you want to marry someone who makes you completely change yourself, down to the clothes you wear and the sheets you buy?
You seem really insecure and naive. And maybe a little dumb.
Why are you changing yourself to cater to this guy. You should be with someone who loves the fact that you like prints and knee highs. And encourages you to be who you are and like what you like.... instead of criticizing it.
I would really rethink marrying this guy.... you are experiencing the tip of the iceberg of control problems here.... AND did you ever ask him... Ummm Where exactly is HE COMPROMISING.... because he is not.
Sara, Friend?
glove slap. I don't take crap.
Silly me, I've been adjusting my wardrobe so that I wear things that make me feel attractive and good about myself. It's no coincidence that when I feel attractive, H notices and is therefore happy that I'm happy--which he finds attractive.
Also, it never occurred to me to think of my H as "an audience."
years ago is highlighted my hair both red and then blond. I asked myDH which he liked better. He was hesitant to tell me and then after he did, he said "but do what YOU like. It's your hair!". Perfect answer
this guy should like you for who you are, and hedoesnt.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Haha! I caught that one too. Interesting...
http://pandce.proboards.com/index.cgi#general
Don't marry this guy.
What I'm reading is that you are moving into his house, it's his stuff, it's his life, find a way to blend into the wallpaper because you should be neither seen nor heard.
If I wanted a duvet, I'd buy a damn duvet. There is no way on God's green earth my husband would ever 'disallow' me to have a duvet.
Furthermore, I have a TON of clothing items and accessories he doesn't really like, but I wear wtfe I want because I also wear big-girl panties.
Really? Is this MUD? Why would you marry a guy who wants you to be X when you are Y? Don't you want to be with a man who loves you because you are who you are?
If your FI doesn't like you in prints, what's he going to say when you have a gigantic pregnant belly? If he won't let you put more blankets on the bed because you are cold, what are you going to do? Spend your entire life with him freezing while you sleep? Seriously? What are you getting out of this relationship except stress and grief.
My H doesn't like how women look in capris. I happen to think I look good in capris. So I wear them and he tells me I look great in whatever I wear.
For heavens sake wear the clothes you love whenever you want! If FI says he doesn't like whatever it is tell him it's a good thing you're wearing it and not him.
I'd rethink marrying him. I ditto the go to therapy if you want to save the relationship. He is way too controlling for you to be happy in the long run.
I literally wake up shivering.
No way in hell am I freezing at night to accomodate a douchebag because he thinks they look dumb.