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Where to go from here? (long)
Girls, I feel like I'm at my wit's end.
These past four/five months have been the worst in my entire life. I don't even know where to begin. Job loss, death, over $4000 on car repairs, health issues and at the moment feeling like I'm at the lowest point in our marriage.
I'm feeling so depressed and feeling like the only thing I have going for myself is my Photography stuff.
Most of you know that J and I have had issues in the past about being healthy and losing weight. It's really important to him that we stay healthy and I'll admit that since we've been together I've let myself go. I've gained almost 30 lbs and I'm really angry with myself. I've tried countless times to get it under control and do something about it and I just can't seem to get the resolve or discipline. He's hurt and feels betrayed like I can't make a commitment and keep it. It's affecting our relationship in a HUGE way. I don't feel confident, I don't like my body, I'm not interested in sex which in turn makes him feel neglected. He just doesn't have a lot of tact sometimes nor does he have good timing on when to bring up the issue. Last night was the first time in awhile we've had sex and afterwards it turned into a discussion about how much weight I've gained and how hurt he is and disappointed he is.
I feel nothing close to beautiful right now. I'm depressed, I'm confused and I'm hurt. Right now, I want nothing more than to go away for awhile and disconnect myself from everything, even him, which I know isn't healthy to think at all.
I just can't stop crying. I love my husband, I really do. I just feel so disconnected from him right now and I really think we need to see someone about everything. I just want life to get better.
Re: Where to go from here? (long)
((Hugs)) I'm sorry that you've been going through all this. I think weight issues are very common. I have similar issues with my weight and although I hate how I look right now, I try to take it day by day. Since Jan. I've lost 4lbs and although I know its not alot, it been hard loosing them but I try to feel proud that I've lost them. I cheat on my "diet life style change" all the time but I try getting back on track not the next day, but on the following meal I take. I feel that method is a little better than "I'll start again tomorrow" and tomorrow never seems to come. I really hope you can get help for your marriage and your selfesteem. I honestly hate that my husband is overweight and although I've tried to tell him many times, I still love him and try not to hurt him. I guess he should try helping you by making a menu for the week with you or for you to cook and even cooking himself. Once again I know its hard but worth the try. Remember that beauty comes within and in order to be happy and like other you first have to llike yourself. I hope things go better for you soon! (Hugs)
I don't mean for this to sound harsh -
Love is unconditional. Gaining weight is part of life and your husband shouldn't make you feel like crap b/c you've gained weight. Life is busy and hard and sometimes being healthy & working out does not top that list. This really bothers me b/c I would punch my H in the face if he told me he was disgusted with me b/c I've gained weight. Commitment?? What about your commitment to marriage, to being faithful and to being there for each other THROUGH THICK & THIN??
Maybe there's more to the story that could make him sound like less of an a-hole.
What do your friends say about this, if you've discussed it with them?
Feel better Jane.... Have you considered therapy?? If not, do it. It can be a safe place for you to get your thoughts in order and come up with a game plan.
I've talked to a few of my friends but my intention is not to misconstrue things and have my husband look like an assshole. Of course he has his moments where he could choose his words better and have more tact, but we can all have those moments.
My few friends that know I go to them in order to help me maybe see his side of things but also to help me figure out where to go from this point. One of my closest friends right now is a personal trainer and she's helping me to keep a level head. She's recommended that we go see someone, even if it's just me by myself. She said that life doesn't really prepare us for these kind of things and when we get to that point it's good to have a third party to help us kind of dig ourselves out.
The thought of counseling has always scared me because I always equate people in counseling to people who have serious marital issues and are potentially facing divorce. We have no intentions whatsoever to get divorced, but we do need to get some shiit straight.
It's all very complex and there's a lot of history and skeletons in J's closet that make him feel so strongly about this issue. I guess what I envisioned of marriage and what is actually happening is very different.
i agree with everything shmoozer said. 30lbs is not the end of the world.
but, i also have/know the other end of the spectrum. my husand has gained about 100lbs since i met him 4 years ago.now, i don't give him a hard time about it bc i know he does that to himself enough. but, it is hard to live with someone whose mood and attitude are affected bc they aren't happy with themselves. he isn't excited to get dressed to go out and and gets crabby when clothes dont fit or look good. also, my sexual attraction for him has decreased (i tihnk understandably) by his drastic change in appearance. i still love him just like i've loved him for 4 years....but sex is a constant issue for us. both for my own issues and for his weight. but...i think the difference here between our situation and what you H is doing...is that i dont make my H feel bad about it. i dont sit there after sex and tell him how gross he is. instead, i support him and ask him how i can help to get him healthy and lose weight and be active.
what is with your H's obsession to stay so fit/healthy? i mean, obviously it's a good lifestyle choice...but he seems a little obsessive about it. and he doesnt seem to handle it in a productive way.
I agree 100% with Shmoozer. I know you've posted about these issues with your H before, and that he has his reasons - family history of health problems due to weight, etc. But I just cannot imagine any circumstance where making you feel like crap about yourself is going to help at all, or be constructive for the relationship.
When you got married, you did not promise to remain exactly the same weight for your marriage. There is no reason for him to feel betrayed. People's bodies change as they go through different stages of life.
It could just be that a higher weight is a happier place for your body right now. I know that you do Zumba a lot, so it isn't like you are sitting around stuffing your face and never leaving the couch. I think that you are conscious of your body and trying to keep it healthy. 30 lbs is definitely not the end of the world, especially when you were so skinny in the first place.
Also, if he wants more sex and that is a strain, he needs to understand that telling you you are beautiful and making you feel that way through his words and actions is what is going to make that happen, not demanding that you lose 30 lbs. You do not have to be skinny to want to have sex. You do not have to be skinny to be (and feel) beautiful.
Particularly at a time when so many things are not going well for you your husband should be building you up, not tearing you down.
I think J takes his circumstances from growing up and looks at them and realizes that he doesn't want that for our life. His mom was diagnosed with MS when he was about 9. Of course she can't help something like that, but she's spent years and years being in the pits over it. (Which is understandable) His dad on the other hand hasn't taken good care of himself, he's smoked for years and makes horrible eating choices. I think J resents that about his dad because here was his mom who was so sick and needed care and his dad just neglected his own health and J has always lived in fear of his dad dying early and him being left to care for his sick mother. He doesn't like that burden and the fact that his dad has the capability to do something about his health but refuses to do anything about it.
This in turn created this passion inside of J to make sure that his life, our life, wasn't like that. He doesn't want us neglecting our health for the sake of just being lazy. He wants us to enjoy life to the fullest. It makes sense. But all of this passion I feel stems from resentment and then when I don't follow through it gets taken out on me.
We've been together for five years. We have a lifetime of history and habits and unresolved personal issues that we now have to face with one another. I never had anyone that was ever in my face so much about this issue. My lifestyle growing up didn't involve having to care for someone sick. My family has been lucky to have good health pretty much all around and maybe that's something that I've taken for granted and felt I never had to work to maintain.
Meh. I don't even know where I'm going with this. I'm just kind of blabbering on.
Don't feel this way at all! It can just be a good place to find common ground, to improve communication, etc. Look at it more as preventative, not a last attempt to save something.
Jane, we all have our ups & downs, I agree 100%. It doesn't seem like he's being supportive, more of being the opposite.
Counseling is not for people with serious marital issues. You can do it together or seperatly. H and I did it together for a while and since we've moved, we talk about finding someone else and missing "Dr. H" b/c going there was a great thing for us.
And Jane, you are beautiful I see you pics on FB and you are not fat or disgusting.
Good luck with this situation. I know your H isn't a jerk and I don't know him personally but I bet he could choose another method of getting his point accross to you.
I agree with Shmoozer. He shouldn't be commenting on your weight (especially after sex). Health is one thing, but putting pressure on someone to lose weight it one of the best ways to set them up for failure. You have to do it for you and that often means that you have to have the self esteem necessary to actually be able to be successful which isn't easy when you are over weight.
I would definitely suggest some counseling for you especially, but for both of you also to help with communication.
I have lost over 60 lbs and I can tell you that it is HARD as HELL and it has taken me a long time, but I know I can sustain what I have done so far because I really have made changes I can live with. I would recommend that you start small. Don't try to change everything at once. I started by not having bread with EVERY dinner and taking the stairs on the metro instead of the escalator. Then I cut down on the amount of cheese I ate and started doing 10 minutes of yoga a day. Once those changes stuck I made a few more that I felt I could live with. Eventually almost everything changed for the better and I am so much different than I was. You can do it, but you just have to make is sustainable for you and be ok with it taking some time.
I understand this, but I think he's trying to control things that he cannot control. Having MS is not something he could control. What if you were diagnosed with something like this? Would he feel betrayed and hurt?
I honestly still think he's being ridiculous. I would understand more if you suddenly started smoking and making horrible eating choices and doing nothing, like his dad. I could see his concern. However, you aren't lazy. I know you do Zumba, and I know you've talked often about concern over your weight, which would lead me to believe that you do make yourself aware of what you are eating and what your body is doing.
I think he needs to separate himself from the idea that skinny=healthy. You are still taking care of your body, you aren't behaving like his dad.
H and I love to cook together, maybe you can take this circumstance to help you grow together. Start cooking healthy things and trying new recipes together. But still keep it focused more on health than on a number on the scale.
Agreed. You have to lose the weight for yourself, not because someone else is making you feel bad. Losing weight is tough and you need someone there to cheer you on, not tear you down. And 30lbs isn't the end of the world, and I know you're active with Zumba, so it's not like you're not doing anything.
And don't be embarrassed or ashamed about going to counseling. It really helps to have someone listen and sometimes just talking out loud without interruptions or judgment can be amazing. Lots of vibes for you!
Getting out and being active together and cooking together can be a great thing. Counseling can be life changing in a positive way. Manipulating you by saying it hurts him is bull shix. He is being rude, unhelpful, and ridiculous.
YOU ARE NOT FAT.
Ok I remember the back story and this has come up a lot and I've never said anything because I didn't want to sound mean but he's got to get a grip. Personally I think counseling is great and you should not equate it to terrible problems. And honestly you guys do have a problem...I think it might be beneficial for you to work your stuff out and he needs to for sure go on his own to work through that resentment he has towards his father because he's placing it on you.
It seems that if you want someone to do something you don't barate them you help them and maybe he needs to work through that in counseling and know that complimenting you and helping you will help even if you guys can't always cook together.
Especially after sex I think that was sad and upsetting and you should tell him that.
I gained 25lbs after our wedding and no I didn't like it but honestly I didn't look gross and you don't either. Girl I see you on FB even see you at Zumba in pictures and you do not look bad at all. And you do Zumba a lot so what does he say about that? Does he give you credit for that?
I know these issues may seem smaller but this issue will continue and he'll most likely get more vocal about it and it will eventually drive a wedge in between your marriage and by the time you realize it, it maybe too late because you won't be able to take it.
Everyone can cheat every once in a while. I know he drinks beer and we all know that's not healthy but it sure is tasty haha so it's not like he's always super healthy.
Keep your chin up and focus on making yourself happy...I look back at my old weight and wouldn't even want to be there because I think wow I didn't look that great. So now I only want to lose about 10 more lbs so you need to figure out what's best for you but even if you change everything he's still going to have to deal with his dad's stuff hun.
Hope it gets better
He says to me that obviously Zumba isn't doing anything for me because I haven't lost weight.
I just want to throw in his face the fact that he's bitched so much about his dad smoking and how much he hates it and then HE started smoking. He told me when he started with one or two every once in awhile "Babe, you gotta tell me to stop. This is not something I want to be doing." So I told him how much I disapproved and how detrimental it was to his whole idea of being healthy. Then he started hanging around people that smoke a lot and he started doing it more. So I got in his face about it, like he asked me to, and then he copped an attitude about it and said he was working on quitting. It seems so hypocritical and like a double standard for him to expect me to take good care of my body and yet he continues to smoke.
i think counseling is EXACTLY what you two need. this is not how a mature adult should act. his makes his own decisions and is respsonible for his actions. i think you BOTH need to realize this and get professional help.
I'm sorry Jane, I know you have gone through so much lately and this doesn't help. I agree with your and others' assessment that counseling will definitely help you here. Counseling does not mean your marriage will end in divorce at all. You guys need to improve your communication and there is nothing wrong with having a third party to help you do that.
Your husband really needs to understand that weight does not necessarily equate to health. How tall are you? How much do you weigh? Have you gone to the doctor to see if there really are any concerns for you? I can tell you right now that from what I see on your blog, you are far from overweight or fat or unhealthy. You stay active and you try to watch what you eat. There should be no reason why your husband is discussing your weight right after you have sex. That's ridiculous and hurtful and just all sorts of wrong.
I will tell you my own story and I hope it will help highlight that sometimes, weight alone doesn't mean anything. I am 5'6 and I currently weigh 176 right now. Until I got pregnant, I spent almost 18 months trying to lose weight and get healthy. When I moved from NYC to FL, I weighed 188. It was the heaviest point I had ever been.
I started running 4-5x a week and watched my diet closely. I got down to 165 after a year of doing that and then just stalled. Eventually, my weight went back up to 173 and stayed there despite doing all of the things that people tell you to do. I didn't lose any more weight and I was frankly too lazy to start lifting weights and doing any other type of exercise. I was still running about 4 miles 4-5x a week and cooking meals at home (but I seem to have been drinking my calories, heh).
I saw my regular doctor in August and had my cholesterol levels checked and everything and was told that I was perfectly healthy despite being considered overweight on the BMI chart. Yep, at my height and at that weight, the doc said I was still healthy.
Honey, please don't beat yourself up. You and your husband have to talk to each other and figure out why he is deadset on weight as the only health factor that matters. Counseling will help greatly since this is something you guys need to discuss, along with all of the other issues you mention you need to hash out.
GL and many ::hugs:: to you.
whoa he smokes???? haha I'm sorry hun but that is very hypocritical of him. He can't get in your face about the weight but you can't him about smoking.
And zumba is great cardio and just because you're not losing weight doesn't mean you're not helping your body and being healthy....anything active is better than nothing.
Yeah, I completely agree. I just told him that I think it's something we really need to do. I want to make this work so badly.
I'd really try counseling.
Also, and I'm guilty of this is my own relationship, but I think it's far more effective to help each other stay on track w/ positive reinforcement, rather than negative. For example, him saying Zumba "hasn't helped" and you "getting in his face"= negative= hostile defensive reaction.
As opposed to, H, "it's great you're doing Zumba, but after the holidays, bad weather, etc, we both could use some extra toning... let's train and do a 5k together [or whatever sport]". Or you: "hey, I know it's hard not to smoke around those guys, but it's a new year, and you were really off to a great start, I don't want to see you backslide. Maybe we can have those guys over instead of you going to the bar, I'll make my famous salsa [I'm assuming they can smoke at a bar, but not your house]."
This is obvious, but I think we forgot, how you say what you say is as important as what you say.
GL!
Choco- I'm 5'7" and weigh 168 lbs. When J and I met I weighed 135. Then again it was right after I came home from Africa.
I try and do zumba 2-3 times a week. If I have the ability to eat healthy, I make that choice. All the bad stuff going on lately has made me eat crap to try and make up for all the bad stuff happening...but that's not smart.
And yes, J started smoking and it completely pisses me off.
I know that I could be at a healthier weight. I'd like to wear a smaller pants and dress size. Maybe I need a personal trainer, or a nutritionist to help me plan things out. The thing is that I just can't afford it right now.
When I lost my job I had to cancel my gyno appt I had been waiting for for so long and I've been devastated about it since. That was the appointment where the doctor was going to determine how serious my Endo is, give us a prognosis on our chances of getting pregnant without treatment, and maybe get something to manage the pain and that all went out the window when I lost my job. So forgive me if my weight isn't the greatest, but I'm obviously still concerned about my health.
um ok I'm 5'7 and when I got pregnant I was 173 and I was working out like a beast and would flucuate from 168-176.
I am thankful that I have lost the baby weight and 13 more pounds.
Yes you were pretty skinny when you came back from Africa.
I was 142 for awhile and looking at those pictures I don't like how I look in them. For me personally 150-155 I am completely happy with...granted it is all about what you're comfortable with not your H.
But 168 isn't not that much honestly
Have you ever asked your parents to help you pay out of pocket for a gyno exam? Ya;ll should qualify for health insurance if he is unemployed and you are a waitress.
My mom is offering to pay for everything because she has endo herself and doesn't want me wasting time. I can get insurance through Fridays but I have to wait before I am eligible.
::hugs:: Repeat after me, I am NOT fat. We all could drop a few here and there but you are trying to get there.
Have you tried sparkpeople.com? It's like a free nutritionist. The website makes you log your food intake throughout the day and gives suggestions on what to do to be able to lose the weight you want in a healthy time frame. The site even has workout plans for you to do anywhere, not just the gym.
At my skinniest, I was 135 or 140 in college. I wore a size 4/6 and I was completely miserable b/c I basically starved myself to get there (and even noticed hair loss, which freaked me out). I looked scary when I was that skinny and have decided that 160 is probably my optimum weight, which means a size 6/8 in clothes. My pre-pg clothes were 10/12, depending on the brand and what it is (dress vs pants vs skirts). I am definitely going to bust my butt to get there after this baby is born, but I will also make sure I eat healthy and do it the right way. The last thing you need is to get a complex and do more damage to your body by trying to lose weight the wrong way.
Yes, you want to get healthy but your husband hounding you with negative comments will not help you get to your goal.
I'm going to keep my opinion of your H to myself because its mean and I'm working on being a nice person.
Sweetie, you're not fat. I just looked through your FB pictures and I think you still look great. Even in an ugly, poorly-fitted Christmas sweater.
I've gained almost 20 pounds in the last 3 years. I work out 4 days a week and make healthy meals and I still can't lose a pound. Even though everyone tells me I look skinny, I still feel like I'm doing something wrong. When I look in the mirror, everything looks fat fat fat.
There's a chance that you aren't losing weight because your body is at the weight its supposed to be. Its going to be hard to lose weight if that's the case. We're the same age and I think what we're gaining is "womanly curves" instead of "I eat too much" weight.
If you really want to lose weight, do it for yourself. And next time your husband comments on your weight, tell him his negative attitude and criticism is the reason why you steal Twinkies out of the freezer at night and have a negative self image. If he wants you to lose weight, the first thing he needs to do is be supportive of you and celebrate successes.
This is around when J and I met.
I didn't even have boobies!!!!
And now: