May 2008 Weddings
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: Where to go from here? (long)
How old were you when you met?
I just looked at your blog and I would never consider calling you even close to overweight. Doing zumba IS doing something for you, it's exercise and is great for your health. Your DH says he is mainly concerned about health and lifestyle, and if that were the case, he wouldn't think that you needed to try some different type of exercise in order to lose weight. The fact is, you are exercising and taking care of yourself. I'm going to stop there about what I could say to/about your DH because it's frankly not very nice. At all.
I highly recommend counseling. DH and I did pre-marital and it was almost like a date night, and we had so much to talk about afterwards. I did about a year of therapy for myself, which helped me learn about my emotional eating and to lose 45 lbs. I gained about 5 back after going off BCP and have gained 5 since being pregnant so I certainly don't feel great about my weight (I still had about 25 to get to my goal weight before my BFP) but therapy was key. I am not recommending therapy to get you to lose weight (because I frankly don't think you need to) but rather advocate for therapy in general. I think a lot of people see it has a last-ditch effort because so many people wait until the issues become such a problem, it is a last-ditch effort. But it certainly doesn't have to be, nor should it be.
I was 19.
Okay, your husband is smoking? That is absolutely ridiculous. Honestly, it sounds to me like he just wants to bully you and put you down. I think you seriously need to get into some counseling right away, individual and couples. He is making up excuses about why it's okay for him to belittle you. Obviously he doesn't really believe those reasons, because it's not the standard for himself apparently. There is no reason why he should ever belittle you or try to make you feel bad.Oh, and by the way - no time is a good time to tell your wife you think she's too heavy, but after sex??? I would imagine that even the most clueless guys would realize that is just not the time or place.
How old were you when you and J met? You look fairly young there, and it is true that as we get older we do get more womanly curves and our bodies change. It's unrealistic to think that our bodies will be the same at 30 as they were at 18 - even if we're healthy and fit.
I really don't know what to tell you. You need to let him know that treating you like that is not acceptable. It sounds like he's just trying to put everything on you. He wants you to make him quit smoking. He wants you to fix your weight. Etc, etc, etc. He needs to take care of himself. But you need to stand up for yourself, too. Counseling would really help, I think.
As far as eating healthy, if you really want to you can make it work. I know it's difficult when you work odd shifts, but pack meals in advance that you can easily take wherever you're going. Make up a batch of something yummy - I love spinach ricotta rolls because they are easy to freeze, and I can just grab one the day of and take it to school/work and microwave it there. If you don't have access to a microwave bring something that can be eaten cold. Bring a bag of carrot sticks around as a snack for when you get hungry. Losing weight and eating healthy is definitely not always easy, but it is doable with some extra effort on your part.
Zumba is great, but you might want to add in some strength training if you really aren't seeing any results.
I was all with you about not wanting to make your H seem like a jerk until you got to this point in the conversation.
He wants to give you a hard time about gaining a few pounds (like every adult does) and say it's for "health" reasons, but he's going to take up smoking? Heck no, not buying it. At all, one bit. I'd at least bring up counseling to him again and see if he is responsive to it.
If that second picture is supposed to convince us that you got fat, I'm not buying it. I could post 2 pictures like that too: one during drum corps when I could flex my pecs (6 years ago) and one now. All it would prove was that at sometime I had the same body as a 11 year old boy and now I look like a woman.
I'm being a hypocrite saying this but you have to stop beating yourself up about how you look. You have to tell your H to stop beating you up for it. Its doing nothing for you.
Do counseling. It helps. It really really really helps. I did it when Andy and I got divorced. She helped me realize what I need to do to feel good about myself. Sometimes I miss going because it was just nice to have someone help me work things out. Go and find out how to have the self esteem you need.
LOL
You girls are fantastic, and Klassy, I know I looked fine in that Ugly Christmas sweater
There's been a lot of tears today just trying to understand all of this, but I want to come out a stronger person.
I agree with everyone else on this. You both should look into counseling. He obviously has some deep rooted issues that need to be dealt with. If he wont go to therapy you should at least go for yourself. So that you can learn what he is saying to you isnt right or fair.
The fact that he tells you that Zumba isnt doing anything for you just goes to show that he isn't being supportive. If he really wants you to be healthy he should be supporting you not tearing you down. Plus why does he get off lecturing you about health when he is smoking?!
I'm sorry your are feeling so down lately and dealing with all of this. You really really should consider talking to a professional about all of this. ((HUGS))
Oh and I would kill to have a body like yours right now. Seriously! I am so disgusted with myself I've gained 7 lbs this month that I have been home! I am right back to the weight I was this time year. I am 32 lbs heavier then my wedding weight. My BMI is 39.5. Now THAT is over weight and disgusting!! Please dont be so hard on yourself.
ETA: I just saw that your my height. I dont think I have ever seen your current weight. Not even when I was "skinny" my senior year weighing in at 190!
I really would talk to a minister or a counseler. Based on your fb, you have met some great friends at zumba and that is enough of a reason to stick with it. He should be happy you have a hobby that is fun, helps you work your heart in a healthy way, and have met great friends there.
it's nice that you're empathetic to what your h went through growing up but try not to let that be an excuse for him saying things he really shouldn't. it's hard enough to get over our own negative self talk without having someone else criticizing us. is he really hard on himself? sometimes people who are really hard on themselves think if they act that way that will somehow help you, too, but it does the exact opposite.
i don't see how your weight is really his business. you're not morbidly obese. he definitely has no reason to be disappointed in you. you're probably honestly just growing into your womanly body. you may never go back to where you were at 19. and that's okay. this whole weight "issue" seems to have been really blown out of proportion. we woman do that very well on our own, he doesn't need to add to that pressure.
honestly, i don't think my h would notice if i gained or lost 30 lbs. i'm still me, the woman he loves, no matter what.
good luck - i think he's the one that needs counseling and that's not trying to knock him, it just sounds like he doesn't understand that what he is doing is not helpful and is very hurtful.
I'm late to the discussion, but I just wanted to say that I agree with everyone and bucks' comment above 100%. This is not how a mature adult should act. I think you two should see someone.
What he's doing to you is not healthy and definitely not helping.
**HUGS**
Oh, and to comment on the pics - YOU ARE NOT FAT!!! NOT EVEN CLOSE!!! If anything, I think you look hotter and healthier in the recent one. Protruding collar bones are not very sexy, IMO.
Bella's Bistro - My Dairy Free Food Blog
Alright I tried to be nice but I have to say it.
Your husband is being an a**hole. We all have family issues that can deeply affect how we view the world. Its not his fault that his mom was sick and his dad doesn't take care of himself. Its not yours either. How he treats you is ridiculous. Making you feel like crap because of something that you have minimal control over is NOT the way men should act.
Being skinny doesn't equal healthy. Attempting to eat right and working out does. And you're doing it. You are healthy. Your weight is not a conscious choice that you are making. Him smoking is something he can control. Everyone is right calling him a hypocrite because he is. He's treating you like its ok for him to be unhealthy but for you to sometimes not make healthy choices.
I'm sure he is fully aware of your self consciousness about your weight. And instead of making you feel better about it he cuts you down. What a nice human being. I think every time you see him smoking you should criticize him. Every time he criticizes you for "not being healthy" tell him off. Don't put up with it. You can't keep being the emotional punching bag because he can't deal with his past.
Oh, Klassy, how I wish it were that easy. One of my husband's flaws is that he tends to have this self-righteous indignation to the point of not being able to look at his own flaws. I'm sure he knows he's not a perfect human being, but man he cannot admit it. It's like pulling teeth.
Somehow he would take my attempts at getting him to quit smoking and turn it back around on me and how I have no room to talk about taking care of your body when I have such a struggle losing weight. It's just this vicious cycle that I cannot win. And to me, it's not about winning honestly, I just want him to really really think about what he's saying to me and how he is saying these things to me. I want him to take some time to find the root of where this all stems from and stop turning all of his past disappointments into demands out of me. It just makes his love for me seem so conditional.
Oh, and FWIW, I just showed both of the above pics to H and said "which would you rather do?" He picked the 'now' pic saying "she's hot, I'd be too afraid of breaking her in half in the first pic." LOL!
I hope that made you smile a little.
Bella's Bistro - My Dairy Free Food Blog
I'm extremely late to this convo. Sweetie, you are not fat. You are not even overweight. Besides, weight is just a number. I recently saw a blogpost where the woman took a picture of herself over a period of time. She weighed about the same (plus or minus a few pounds) but was drastically different sizes.
ITA with Maryland that I think he needs counseling. He is clearly hung up on controlling this aspect of your life. It seems pretty destructive. You both need to see that "you" are the only person who can change "you." Jane can't make J quit smoking, and J can't make Jane a smaller size, no matter how much you both get in each other's faces about it.
I'm sorry honey. I don't have any more advice to offer then what the other ladies already gave.
Know that we are always here for you. With advice or just an ear to listen. Hopefully you can get some help and/or answers. You deserve to be happy and feel confident in yourself. Your spouse should be your number 1 supporter.
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This and this*3 -
I have to say, this whole story sounds like a nightmare. This may be my own spin based on my history, but hear me out, because I am seeing redflags everywhere. Everything you're saying sounds all too much like my relationship w/my father in high school (w/o the sex part, obviously.) He always put a lot of pressure on me to be "thin" and to diet and exercise so that I could be "healthy." Which I did until I was 98 lbs and in the hospital.
Often this sort of thing is about control. He is controling you. He is telling you how to look, how to act, and how to feel about yourself. He is putting you down, and you have to let him no it is not okay.
I have also gained about 30(+)lbs since our weddings. And you know what, I don't like it either. And given my past, I often expect to hear comments like you say (and do sometimes from parts of my family) but I never hear my husband say things like that. He still tells me I'm beautiful all the time. And when he knows I'm upset about my weight, he suggest we do things liek go for a walk, or go to the gym together, not because he's unhappy, but because he knows I am. You definitely need to do counseling together. You need to be able to, and feel allowed love yourself, regardless of the scale.
1/5/11 Femara Cycle #1 = BFN
2/4/11 Femara Cycle #2 = BFP: 3/4/11 - Starting Progesterone supositiories
Beta#1 15DPO = 108; Beta#2 17DPO = 179; Beta#3 18DPO = 259; Beta 4# 20DPO =659!!
TTC#2 Pulled goalie 5/12, PPAF 3/13, BFP 6/27 Beta 15DPO=248!
Dx Severe Hydrocephalus and severe Dandy Walker Cyst.
Stillborn 10/19
Missing Noah Chart Teacher Bud
One more day/ One more time/ One more moment maybe I'd be satisfied/But then again/ I know what if would do/ Leave me wishing still, for one more day with you.""
I agree with what all of the other ladies have said. You all should go to therapy (seperate and together) and not think of it as a place where your marriage will end. He has to get his issues taken care of.
Women can't be expected to have the bodies they did when they were teenagers. You look perfectly healthy to me. What isn't healthy is the way he is treating you and making you feel. What if you all have children? Will he put you down during pregancy? Will he berate your children if they aren't thin? These are the things that come to mind when I read your comments. I'm so sorry that you're having such a hard time right now. {hugs}
Ponder-ing whether or not to become a Viking's fan
I disagree with this.
Yes, he should love you regardless of weight gain. But if you fall in love with someone, it would be foolish to assume that physical appearance had nothing to do with it. And if someone drastically changes from the way they looked, it's not surprising that the person may be a bit bothered by this.
The thing is, 30 lbs of gain is not drastic, in my opinion. Had Jane gained 100 lbs since being married, then sure, she would look drastically different. But in those photos she showed she looks like the same gal, just older and more matured.