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Is wedding an adult event??? (long)
Have been fighting with my husband for several weeks about it, finally decided to post and ask for your opinion.
His cousin is getting married the last weekend of May this year.
And I do NOT want to bring our children (who will be aged 1 and 4 by that time) to the wedding. Because I have done oh-how-many weddings with children, and I never enjoyed anything! This cool joke that the priest made? Was out, since my toddler was throwing a tantrum! These funny teen pictures displayed? Wasn't there, was breastfeeding in the lobby. This cake? Wasn't there, was rocking my kids to sleep. Champagne? No, thanks, can't allow myself to have even the slightest headache, since I HAVE TO GET UP in 5 hours!
Etc.
So I say - let's leave kids with a nanny. We have this very reliable nanny, it's only one day, and we do need adult time together!
But - for my husband - this is the cross to bear, weddings are family events, etc. And "they will be sooo disappointed not to see the boys". Right. "They" will say "Aw, he's grown so much" - and will be off eating hors-d'oeuvre, while I'll be running around with a backpack and a spit-up on my dress.
Right
Am I all wrong here?
Re: Is wedding an adult event??? (long)
All families see these types of events as something different. Some love having all the kids, some hate it. Obviously you 2 come from opposing sides.
Of course YOU would be the one taking care, running after, cleaning up after, etc with your kids so of course he cant understand why you dont want them there. Youd like an adult night out alone.
I'm a mom so I totally side with oyu on this on, but how do you get him to agree.
Can you take them to the church and then leave them with home for the reception?
The wedding is 3 hour drive from home, so I can't take them to the church and not take them to dinner.
Our kids would be the ONLY kids at this wedding anyway.
ARGH!!!!!!
I am at the point of saying - hey, why won"t YOU go with both kids, and I'll stay at home and have fun.
Leave the kids at home. Go have a nice time. Your dh is nuts. I cannot imagine six hours in the car on top of four hours of this kind of 'fun'.
This is the part that gets to me. It's your cross to bear - b/c you are the one with girl parts? And that's his answer, not "don't worry, I know that I haven't stepped up to the plate, but this time will be different." And the "disappointment" of the family members is worse than the discomfort you will have for five hours?
I would tell your husband that it is NOT your cross to bear, and that either the boys stay home or you will. It is his family, but since you are expected to "work," you get veto power, IMO.
It would be different if they were IN the wedding, or if it were a close relative - I can see wanting my kids to see their aunt get married or an uncle wanting their niece and nephew at their party, but for a cousin it is different.
Just say no and tell your H that you're not changing your mind, you just need to know how to RSVP - 2 adults, 1 adult (him) and 2 children, or 1 adult (him) alone.
This exactly except I'd only offer him the first 2 choices (2 adults or him and the 2 kids.) It sounds like it'd do your DH some good to spend more alone time with both kiddos.
I think if your kids are going to be the only kids then you should leave them home. I think kids at weddings are fine if they are a little older and they have other kids to play/dance/have fun with.
If your H is so set on having the children there agree...but only if he is the one willing to take care of them, change them, feed them, run after them. Let you enjoy this one while he takes care of the kids.
They're the only kids? Are you sure they are even invited?
Here's another thing that your DH needs to realize - yes, his family may do the "oh, where are the boys, we'd love to see them", but I'd bet you that most of that is just pleasantries. I'd bet that most of the people saying that aren't really ALL that upset. They are just letting you feel good about your kids because everyone misses them.
But it's like w/ ANY person who can't make to an event- sure, they are "missed", but it's not really all that big of a deal that the person/people aren't there. No one is going to be running to the bathroom crying because "oh my GOD!!!! The boys aren't here!".
The wedding is about the couple getting married, not your kids. As you even said, people come up, say hi, say "oh, how cute" and then that's it - you are the one left to fend w/ them all night long.
I'd stand firm. The kids aren't going. His family will somehow survive not seeing them. And if his family REALLY wants to see them, then they can come and visit you all and see the boys then.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
OK - I'm with you in that if there was a safe way to keep the kids at home/behind, I would go for it. My husband would be more like yours, wanting the family thing to happen (and saving on the bucks for the sitter). I'd find out first if money was any issue, and if it was, if a grandparent could pinch-hit for you there.
Basically, while all families/weddings view children differently - if *this* wedding (meaning the bride/groom) are open to kids, it doesn't really give you a smooth out. I already suspect you've explained to him the headache of watching the kids in that environment. Did *he* have an alternative to make those things easier/nonexistent for you? Can you split the kids, giving him the one you suspect will be the more difficult?
Exactly what I was thinking. I wouldn't want my kids there if they are the only kids. I would feel awkward. My kids would be staying home and I agree with you. I would not back down from this one.
Yes, IMHO, weddings are an adult event. Some couples choose to include children in their festivities and usually state that on their invitation or by word of mouth but I think for the most part any event that requires getting dressed up, being served a nice dinner that doesn't include chicken fingers or French fries and has an open bar is meant to be enjoyed by adults.
When in doubt, refer to the invite- if the invitation says 'Mr. & Mrs. Teisha', then your kids are not invited. If it says 'The Teisha Family', then they are.
An American Girl's Travels
Does he realize that a wedding is about the bride and groom, not about him parading his offspring around for everyone to see while you make sure they don't get into trouble?
If I were you, I'd just give this a hell no.
Why are you taking care of the kids? This doesn't sound like an issue with weddings, it sounds like a problem with your H chipping in.
I had kids at my wedding. I loved going to weddings as a kid.
All of my relatives had kids at their weddings... except for one. My feelings were really hurt when I wasn't allowed to go to my Aunt's wedding when I was 8 because I was a child. I knew that I was missing a special event, fun party, cake, and dancing.
In France people often bring kids to weddings. (as I have discovered) Even to a friends' wedding, let alone the family ones. You can easily spot moms - they are hanging around the church door ready to storm out - during the mass, and around the bar - to heat a bottle/pot/whatever for their offsprings. As I said - been there, done that.
I will not buy - "don't worry I will take care of them" anymore. Been there.
Thans a lot everyone for your posts. My hubby is giving me "this is the western civilization way of dong things, you just don't- get it" Since all of you clearly belong to this western civilization, the problem here is not me having a cultural discrepany, but him, too afraid to upset his distant relatives...
as I said - ARGH
Again, if they are distant relatives, after the initial "oh, darnit, the kids aren't here", they aren't going to care. Put together a little photo album of recent pictures of them that you can show if people really seem to want to see the kids.
And I didn't say it before, but w/ just my one boy - at the age of 2, there are a lot of events I have no desire to take him too. Because I know it will be like what you described - me (or my DH, he easily steps up to the plate too!) chasing after DS and not being able to carry on a conversation. I have friends having a superbowl party who told me I'm more than welcome to bring DS. I pratically laughed out loud. Yeah... only if I don't want to watch the game!
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
make him a deal-if you bring them HE and ONLY HE is responsible for watching them every single minute of the wedding-since it seems that you always miss things. i bet he'll change his mind. warn him with no mistaking that you don't want to bring them to this ONE wedding (as yuo've brought them to so many others) and that you want to enjoy yourself and that you will not do a thing to help him out (as clearly he shirks the responsibility at the other weddings and you miss it all). make that crystal clear. HE will be chasing them, changing the diapers, feeding etc..
2 choices as I see it:
1. The kids stay at home with nanny and you both go to wedding, get a hotel and have a NIGHT OFF!
2. DH takes kids to wedding and you stay home (or go to spa)
3 hour drive to have overtired children at a wedding and then have to leave the reception early to avoid meltdowns? No way! We have taken DS to weddings and left him at home for others. Was the family disapointed that they didn't see him? Sure. Do they have other opportunties to see him? Yup. Do they have our address and phone number? Damn straight! It's not my sole responsibility in life to make sure they see the kid at every event possible.
Sorry if this is harsh. I just see some similarities to my husband and have dealt with his family's expectations too freaken long to play nice anymore while I don't get a break so they can see a kid for 10 flipping minutes.
Weddings are family events, but they are certainly not infant/toddler events.
To be perfectly honest, I don't see the issue as to whether or not the children are going, the issue is whether or not YOU are going. Your DH can fashion whatever fantasy he has of what caring for two young children at a very grown-up venue for several hours - but he can't make you participate in that fantasy. You have to volunteer.
You made your case. It's completely resonable. Very reasonable, in fact.
So, this really isn't about whether or not you are going with the children, because you aren't. Period. You have to make it clear that you are not going if he chooses to bring the children. No yelling, no fight. You are simply not going. He can go and show-off his two children. If he would like you to go, then he can agree to having the children in the very best environment for them - their home, with a trusted nanny.
Thankfully, H and I are of the same mind on this. Kids stay at home with a sitter. The end. I don't care if others choose to bring their kids, but for us. Nope. Not happening.
Leave the kids with a sitter. Not only do you not want to have to deal with them but other people at the wedding don't want to deal with them. And I don't think the bride and groom will be too disappointed if the kids aren't there, they'll be way too busy to even notice. Plus, I highly doubt your kids even want to be there. They have to sit still and behave and if there are no other kids they have no one to play with. It's not fun for them OR you so don't bother.
If the H is trying to insist on bringing them, tell him if he wants to bring them, HE is the one who will be watching them, feeding them, etc and you will have nothing to do with it...I bet he'll decide it's best not to bring them.
Ha!
As if we ever left the reception when the kids were overtired! The weddings usually happen in the middle-of-the-nowhere castles, everyone sleeps right where the party is held, so you can't just go home (and anyway, home is often an hour of plane away!). So when your kid has a meltdown, you bring him upstairs (in the cold and unncomfortable room), wait for him to fall asleep and then run up every 10 minutes to make sure he's safe and sound.
And I do not want to bring nanny with me. Anyway, we would be staying overnight - with or without kids - since French dinners finish at about 11 - 11:30 and dancing never starts before midnight anyways. So, I'd get the 7 am call anyway...I dont have kids so its hard to judge but I definitely think wedding receptions should be an adult event. I think people who bring their kids are nuts!!! I notice it seems like such a hassle to keep them behaving and usually one parent is out attempting to do so. I have an aunt with small children and she brings them to EVERYTHING, even showed up with them to an adult only reception, and I have to say it doesnt even look like she even enjoys herself. I've never seen her and her DH enjoy a second of it together.
The only kids who should be there are the ones in the wedding, but even then most people I know have the attending kids leave when dinner is over so the parents can enjoy themselves. I really dont think the bride and groom will be disappointed to not see any kids there and any other family that really wants to see your kids can make an effort another time. Take the opportunity for a date night and enjoy the evening kid free!
Sorry to your hubby, but I'm taking your side on this one. It'd be one thing if your kid was 10, but they're little ones and you can't get your dance on while chasing them around all night.
Tell him that if he wants to bring the kids, he can watch them all night long.