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Here Lies... (a little on the long side, sorry)
The world?s biggest idiot.
I had fooled myself into believing things were better, that all my hard work would be reciprocated, that my husband loves me, and that we could finally begin acting as a family. To everyone who quietly scoffed at my last post about how great things were, you are vindicated. I was horribly wrong.
I credit the start of my latest epiphany to a dress that I saw in a store last week. Silly, I know, but true. I saw this gorgeous dress on a clearance rack (final price of $15!!) and although I was tempted to grab it off the rack and run to the register, I never even tried it on. Why? Because I?m a doormat who has allowed her H to tell her what she can and can?t do and wear for 10 years! The dress was a wrap style dress with a v-neck. He wouldn?t have liked it and no doubt would have accused me of dressing like a slut if I ever attempted to wear it (not only was it a v-neck, but the skirt wouldn?t have covered my knees if I sat down in a chair). I know this because he?s done this with other items of clothing since we were dating. Yet, for some unknown reason I?ve allowed this behavior to continue! WTF???
So I started reflecting on our relationship as a whole for the last 10 years (married for 6 ?), and the conclusion I?ve come to is that he is not in love with me. He is in love with a picture in his head of the ?me? he could turn me into. He?s been trying to change the way I dress, the places I go, even my friends since the day he manipulated me into letting him move into my apartment! Yet, try though I may, I cannot become this person because it simply is not who I am. I know this warrants a very frank conversation with him and quite possibly will result in the dissolution of my marriage, and I know it needs to happen (at least the conversation), but here I sit at my computer venting on the nest instead... (Granted, I?m at work and so is he, so right now really isn?t an option)
For those of you who have been through something like this, how did you find the courage to face the unknown and move forward? I don't want to wait until the inevitable blow up where I throw it all out on the table in anger, but finding the cajones to actually sit down with him and tell him has been extremely difficult...
Re: Here Lies... (a little on the long side, sorry)
If that is where you are, being a doormat, I think you should consider individual counseling before you speak with your husband. No doubt any conversation you have will end in you believing everything is either all your fault or all in your head.
Personally, I would have purchased the dress, come home wearing it, and dealt with the slut accusations, then I would have told him I don't give a rats patootie what he thinks about the dress, I like it and I'm wearing it, with or without his approval, and if he doesn't like that he can pack his own clothes and leave.
I think the more important question is why you would want to be with someone who wants you to change to meet his preferences instead of embracing you for who you are. I think individual counseling might help you realize the answer to that question.
I did counseling. I think that is the reason I was able to come to this realization. I think if I hadn't gone to counseling, I would have continued on thinking that this was normal and ok. I do think I went to counseling with a different purpose though. I went because I was thinking of leaving my husband and wanted to make sure I did everything I could to save the marriage before I left. I didn't want to have any regrets... Perhaps a return to counseling is not a bad idea, with a different focus this time...
Conversations of this nature always end up being my fault. We had one just last week about how I didn't want to feel like a single parent anymore. He goes about his day not worrying about who is going to watch DS or take him to daycare, or pick him up, or even get up with him in the morning on the weekends... I do that. He gets to go and hang out with all his friends and go to parties and basically do whatever he wants to do as if we did not have a child. I told him I was tired of feeling like the live in babysitter. He turned it around by saying that since I went back to work after having DS and he stayed at home he and DS bonded and now that he's back to work, he's trying to back off and let us bond... He doesn't want to interfere in "our time". He says I'll have plenty of time for myself when DS is old enough to go fishing or work on cars, etc. Needless to say, I didn't see him all weekend and neither did our son, and I think we've seen each other for a total of about 6 hours since that conversation last week (on Thursday). I feel like I should clarify, I LOVE my son. I adore him and I don't mind taking care of him, that's my job. I just don't like be the only parent who thinks its necessary to do so. I would like an afternoon to spend with my friends once in a while too.
The difference is that I'm recognizing now that he's doing this and that it's not ok. But I've let him think it's ok for 10 years, so any attempt at changing that is going to be met with a lot of opposition, and quite frankly he scares me.
Well, if you want a day off with your friends - take one. Tell your H that you will be out on Saturday afternoon / evening. He'll have to stay home with the baby. Or plan "family time" on Sunday morning and tell him he needs to be home. Start TAKING what you deserve instead of asking for it.
You could also tell him you want marriage counseling b/c you aren't happy in the marriage and you want the two of you to work on balancing home and family.
On the other hand, if you really feel that there is no turning around your marriage, I'd just start making plans to move forward with your life without him and serve him divorce papers when you are ready.
I've also tried the "famiy time" idea. He said he won't do it because if he feels like he HAS to be there, he will be too bitter to enjoy it and we will all be miserable. Of course he has a point there, because if he's not enjoying himself, no else is either.
I've also tried scheduling time for me (went to the Nutcracker with a friend before Christmas), but he wanted to know where I was going, how long it was going to be, when I would be home, if I would be making any stops along the way, the list goes on. And halfway through the performance, I was getting text messages from him wondering when I was going to be done and if I could go to the store and get milk on my way home, and we also need bread.... Somehow he always manages to make my "me time" more trouble than it's worth. I've even ignored the texts (and inevitable phone calls that follow) and told him I left my phone in the car which resulted in an argument about "what if DS had an accident and I was calling you to tell you we were headed to the ER??? Wouldn't you feel like an ass then?? You need to make sure you ALWAYS have your phone with you when I am watching him."
Sounds like you are done.
Start copying financial documents, get your act together, and then contact a lawyer.
You can only be responsible for yourself in a relationship and therefore sometimes love isn't enough when you aren't getting your needs met. Expecting your husband to be something different than what he is or give you something different than what he has will only continue to set yourself up for disappointment.
I left my ex-FI because I wasn't getting enough out of the relationship. And although it was hard, the idea of facing a future with a man that I knew I wasn't entirely happy with compared to a future of the unknown - with the possibility of meeting someone who did have what I wanted - was enough to make me want to leave.
I've been asking myself that a lot lately. I'm not sure I have an answer for that other than I'm a coward. Sometimes I find myself wishing that I would catch him cheating so that i would feel like this was an easier decision to make. Making a decision like this based on feelings rather than fact is so much harder... Taking action after making a decision on that basis is proving to be more difficult...
Take a day off of work, take your son with you, and find somewhere else to stay. Small apartment, with a parent/sibling, friend, anything. Move what you need there that day, while he is at work. Then find a lawyer and start the divorce paperwork. He scares you hun, he's an overbearing jerk. My first husband was a lot like this...and I didn't wisen up and get the hell out until he punched me (for the first time, ever) in the stomach. I was 6 months along with twins. Don't make yourself go through a loss like that before you realize...he's been an ass for 10 years, he'll be an ass for the rest of his life.
Step one: write down everything you want to get out on a piece of paper when you?re alone
Step two: Practice saying it out loud in a very direct manner
Step three: have a glass of wine
Step four: have the conversation after your H has been home for a while (not right after he walks in the door)
Step five: have a place to go for the evening lined up so that you can both individually reflect on the outcome of the conversation and decide where to go from there.
Good luck.
Are you scared because no one IRL knows whats going on? If yes, tell someone--get help/support! It will get easier with every day.
There are only a few ppl IRL who are aware of what's going on. Less than a handful really. But he has an explosive temper and is extremely unpredictable. I never know what he's going to do when he feels like he's being attacked. Really, I never know what hes going to do in any situation. I know this is NOT a healthy environment for our son, and I know that I need to remember that and draw strength from that.
I'm feeling very isolated and a large part of that is my fault. Early in our relationship he decided that he didn't like any of my friends, and made no attempt to hide it so in order to keep the peace (because that's what I do unfortunately) I began to hang out with them less and less and now the few friends that I do have are ones that I don't feel close enough with to really share. I have one friend that I can and do talk to, but she is in a similar situation with her SO. Unfortunately, her SO is one of my husband's best friends, so I don't want to overshare for fear that she will share with him, and he will tell H.
Everytime I bring up wanting to go do things with my friends, H's response is always "What friends?" Well, the ones that he's never met because I'm ashamed of my marriage and the way that I'm treated and I don't want them to see... Oh yeah, plus he has a rule that no one he doesn't know is allowed in our house. He doesn't want strangers in our house eyeballing our stuff so they can come back and take it. Yet another example of his controlling nature.
BTW, I'm especially partial to this step.
That's something I haven't done in a while and a glass of wine sounds nice right now.
Do this before you have a conversation with him. Be in a position to leave especially since this manipulator sounds like he is one step from being a physical abuser. You need to be safe and ready to go. Btw go back and get the dress!
Well, yeah. That's what abusers do. They isolate you so that you have no one to turn to and they can do whatever the hell they want to you.
Went back to get the dress yesterday, but it was gone.
I should have known at that price and with Valentine's day coming a pretty black and red dress wouldn't last long.
I had a savings account at a different bank that H didn't know about, but we hit a speedbump when H got really sick and had to be admitted to the hospital and I had to use the money to pay bills and buy groceries. I'm going to go put money back in it tomorrow. Its not enough to do anything with, but it's a start I guess.
One of the things he likes to say when I point out that I don't deserve to be talked to the way he does is that I'm his wife and I should be able to handle it. He shouldn't have to mince words around me, he should be able to just say what he feels and it should be ok. This of course makes me feel like I'm being a bad wife, and he knows it. Otherwise he wouldn't use it. I agree with the thought that he shouldn't have to walk around on eggshells around me, but I shouldn't have to put up with that kind of treatment
Does he think that you shouldn't have to mince words with him? Because I'm sure you have ALL kinds of opinions on him.
Why don't you talk to your friend (the one who's married to his equally assh*lish best friend) and leave together? You can be each other's inspiration and moral support.
We've talked about it, although it always seemed more like a "pipe dream" when we did. Maybe I'll bring it up again. I just feel like I'm dragging her into my problems when she has enough of her own...
Funny, she just sent me a text.
I have a feeling you might be surprised at what you would hear if you contacted one of those long-lost friends. If you are honest with them about why you distanced yourself (and I bet they already know why), and what is going on now, I bet they would love to be there for you.
If you are truly ready to leave, confiding in your friend who is married to your H's friend, could back fire. I wouldn't suggest that. You could reach out to her once you have left, but realize that if she isn't ready to leave her H, she isn't going to be allowed to talk to you.
Where is your family? Have you told them about any of this?
He sounds incredibly controlling & emotionally abusive. Read through this list and see it if fits your situation-
http://helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm
Here's a link to a local shelter in your area-
http://www.safeplaceolympia.org/
Please realize that what he's doing to you is far worse than cheating and it will continue to get worse. Also, be careful as to what you post/ research on your home computer, there's a very good chance that he's checking it.
I haven't told my family. I've kept it pretty quiet, although one of my sisters knows that I'm not happy. She doesn't know the extent of it. Financially they can't help, and none of them are in a position to offer help with a place to stay either. This is on me.
Thanks for that info, Belichick. I have to admit, I cried as I read through that. It all fits. He's not physically abusive, but he has hit me once (over 2 years ago), which I suppose kind of contradicts the not physically abusive part... I've never told anyone that... Wierd.
No worries about posting/researching on my home computer as we don't have internet access at the house. I have some access on my phone, that he doesn't know how to work, and I have my computer at work. That's pretty much it.
Seeing a person therapist will help you find ways to stick up for yourself. You are in a mentally abusive relationship.... and deserve better. Get yourself the dress.... then get yourself a divorce. You can do it.... even though he might have beat you down... I know there is a strong woman in there who can stand up for herself. A counselor will give you the tools to do it. But if he is the way you describe him.... he won't want you going to a counselor so I would keep that to yourself.
Good Luck.
Sara, Friend?
glove slap. I don't take crap.
as I said before, I firmly believe that the therapy sessions I had over the last few months have contributed to my ability to really see what is going on around me and want to make changes. I've been more assertive with him, and he's not very appreciative of that (to say the least). But I agree that continued therapy is most likely in order... Last time I went to therapy I told him I was going to work on my depression adn stress. He said "ok" as if he wasn't a source of either one of those things.
Thanks for the advice, ladies. Time for me to head home. I'll check in tomorrow... Really not looking forward to going home and pretending that everything's ok... Realistically he probably won't be home until I'm ready for bed anyway... That's kind of how it's gone this week.
Thanks again for giving me a place to feel like I have a voice.
First, I would encourage you to continue with therapy. You are going to need it b/c you still (IMO) don't have the strength to stand up to your husband. You need more help.
I would also encourage to call a domestic violence hotline. Even if your abuse is emotional, or you don't consider yourself abused, there are enough "red flags" in your relationship that you could use their help. I know a lot of places don't have a lot of resources in this economy, but they can either provide you with great advice / an action plan, and even possibly legal help. If THEY cannot provide help, they can at least direct you to some low-cost alternatives (legal, counseling, resourses to find housing). I had a friend who went to a d.v. shelter. She hated it and moved back with her H, but at least while she was there a lawyer helped her to draft something so the next time, her H had to leave - and had the law to back her up.
His texts about "what if something bad happened to the baby?" freak me out. Maybe you think it is just harmless (empty) manipulation, but I don't like it!
The "what if something happened to DS" stuff was all said in person rather than through text messages, but I agree, it is disturbing. I'm sure he said it so that it would disturb me and keep me accessible to him at all times.
Last night was pretty ok. It seems like we are more like roommates lately who occasionally have sex. Kind of sad really. He actually made it home in time to help tuck DS into bed, and we had a quiet evening thereafter. Not much conversation though. I'm not ready to have the "I can't do this anymore" conversation with him yet. I feel like I need to be ready to go and not come back before I do and financially I don't have the money saved up to do so. I'm working on it though. We should get our income tax return soon and I'm taking half of that too.
I have also decided that when I have this conversation with him, I need to make sure that DS is not home. He needs to be at a playdate or something. I don't want this to sound the wrong way, but I need to be prepared to make a quick exit and DS will slow me down. I wouldn't have time to get him in the car and grab all his stuff before H stops me. I have a friend with a son who goes to the same daycare as DS. I think she will be willing to help me with this. I just need to talk to her about it...
Funny that I feel more comfortable talking about all of this with strangers on the internet than I do with the people who have been in my life longer than H. A little sad, I think. But I am appreciative of the support I've found here.