Ever lose a friend to Mommyville?

MrsKizdoodle · February 2011

My closest friend from college had a baby last June. I have heard from her maaaaaybe 3 times in short e-mails. No phone calls. I just got a really long e-mail from her today but it was alllllll about the baby. I get her life has changed a whole bunch so I don't know why I was expecting any differently but I don't care to read 4 paragraphs on baby food. Confused

Have you ever lost a friend to Mommyville? Did they ever come back? I'm a believer in balancing things out in your life and right now it's not that way with her. I've had other friends have babies and not fall off the face of the earth. Mostly I just miss her. But...I'm missing the pre-mom her. I guess it may never be the same again...

Lauree1183 · February 2011

Not yet. The first of my friends to have kids are both currently pregnant right now. One of them is my BF. I'm kind of worried things will change a lot, but at the same time don't think they really will. When we hang out we usually just keep it laid back at each other's houses or some shopping and dinner out- all of these things we can still do with her son. I'm curious how things will go come April... My other friend lives out of state, so not really expecting that to change a ton.

I agree balancing things out is key. I'm sorry your friend isn't able to do that.

MrsKizdoodle · February 2011

Lauree1183:

I agree balancing things out is key. I'm sorry your friend isn't able to do that.

Me too. :-( Of all the friends I would want to "lose" she would be the LAST one I would pick. :-( (Not that I want to "lose" friends....you know what I mean!)

emilyj77 · February 2011

I have and it's really hard. I miss that friendship and I feel hurt at the same time that there isn't room in their life for me or my DH. I was really, really hurt when her DH didn't come to my wedding because they couldn't find a sitter - she came alone. We sent Save the Dates out 6 months in advance, plus she knew about the date when we got engaged. So really she had a year to find a sitter. And it's not like their kid is a newborn, she was 4 years old. So what that told me is that they don't value my friendship.

There are some friends who have kids and we don't see them as much, and I figure that once we have kids maybe it'll be easier to get together with them? In the mean time we're always willing to go to their house so it's easier for their kids.

Some friendships last, and some don't. It's hard to come to terms with the ones that don't.

SunshineJoy · February 2011

I have a good friend with two kids. Things have definitely changed. She is a stay at home mom with hubby and two kids....I have a hubby no kids and a dog.....we definitely don't have a lot in common anymore, but we have history and I know we would be there for each other if needed. So our relationship has changed and we don't chat or get together as much anymore but I kind of think that's just how things happen sometimes....although I definitely was sad about how it changed. I totally hear you on this, though.

jennyk213 · February 2011

I have and I agree with Emily that it hurts to know that there isn't room in their lives for our friendship. One friend actually came right out and told me and another friend that she wouldn't be spending much time with us, if any, after her baby was born. We were shocked because the three of us were really close and I thought we would be friends forever. That was probably 10 years ago and I haven't seen her since. As corny as it sounds, it still bothers me.

On the other hand, I have one friend with two kids who is all about going out with just the girls and talks about her kids a reasonable amount. It's not like 3 hours of constant my kids this and my kids that. Ugh, that would drive me bonkers. We do also get together with her and her kids. I guess it just depends on what we're doing and where we're going.

MrsGo4Hockeychick · February 2011

Mine's the opposite. I had two of my best friends who basically had no time for me once I was pregnant. It started well before I even gave birth. They'd cancel plans (or just not even bother to show up) all the time.

I'm still hurt. My becoming a mommy hasn't changed many of my friendships because I tried really hard to not let it. But they seemed like they wanted nothing to do with me once I was pregnant. And it hurt, a lot.

MrsKizdoodle · February 2011

MrsGo4Hockeychick:
Mine's the opposite. I had two of my best friends who basically had no time for me once I was pregnant. It started well before I even gave birth. They'd cancel plans (or just not even bother to show up) all the time.

I'm still hurt. My becoming a mommy hasn't changed many of my friendships because I tried really hard to not let it. But they seemed like they wanted nothing to do with me once I was pregnant. And it hurt, a lot.

That's odd - I wonder why they did that? Did they falsely assume you would disappear to mommyville and not want to hang out with them? Hmm. Interesting.

MrsGo4Hockeychick · February 2011

MrsKizdoodle:
MrsGo4Hockeychick:
Mine's the opposite. I had two of my best friends who basically had no time for me once I was pregnant. It started well before I even gave birth. They'd cancel plans (or just not even bother to show up) all the time.

I'm still hurt. My becoming a mommy hasn't changed many of my friendships because I tried really hard to not let it. But they seemed like they wanted nothing to do with me once I was pregnant. And it hurt, a lot.
That's odd - I wonder why they did that? Did they falsely assume you would disappear to mommyville and not want to hang out with them? Hmm. Interesting.

I wish I knew. One of them even squealed so loud when I told her I was pregnant I dropped my phone. Then she started ignoring and not returning calls and blowing off plans.

JosiePosy · February 2011

Some of my friends were definitely lost to Mommyville. Others were pretty good though. One of them I basically never heard from for well over a year. Now we're both really busy but have a much better relationship. It's just different now. And I'm one of the last ones in my group to have kids. Most of my friends have kids in school now, and I'm years behind them in that dept.

I admit that I have been totally gone myself over the past few weeks. I like to think I have an excuse (or rather, double the excuse Wink ), but I do need to contact my close childless gf when I get a free moment. Luckily she's taking night classes so I don't feel too terrible.

DanandBrit · February 2011

I'm so glad you asked this, as quite a few of my friends are new moms or moms to be and what feels like the beginning to losing them has been really weighing me down lately! Although, all of my friends have new borns or aren't quite moms yet so I haven't had a ton of time to feel out how their "new life" will be. But it is a major fear that I will lose them to mommyhood and just thinking about it hurts.

Janell's Nest · February 2011

Ok don't want to sound snotty but as a parent its really hard the first 6 months so I don't blame her for dropping off the face of the earth for a bit. When you're a new parent all you care about is sleeping, eating, and changing crap filled diapers. It isn't until they get to that 6 month point and beyond where you finally start to gain ground, get ahead, and really settle into a routine and their schedules get pretty regular.

I don't think I've been lost to mommyville but people get busy, its hard to coordinate schedules, and unfortunately my DH travels for work a LOT and its just me and the boys so I often feel like a shut in because I can't always take DS with me to go out, and he's always with me...

MrsKizdoodle · February 2011

Janell's Nest:
Ok don't want to sound snotty but as a parent its really hard the first 6 months so I don't blame her for dropping off the face of the earth for a bit. When you're a new parent all you care about is sleeping, eating, and changing crap filled diapers. It isn't until they get to that 6 month point and beyond where you finally start to gain ground, get ahead, and really settle into a routine and their schedules get pretty regular.

I don't think I've been lost to mommyville but people get busy, its hard to coordinate schedules, and unfortunately my DH travels for work a LOT and its just me and the boys so I often feel like a shut in because I can't always take DS with me to go out, and he's always with me...

I am not a parent so obviously I don't get it....yet I know plenty of people that don't completely disappear after having a baby and are able to find a healthy balance. I guess I'm especially bummed because the person I talked about above is one of my dearest friends. I hope that I'll be able to communicate with her more in the future.

And even though I'm not a parent I do find it hard to believe there isn't 5 minutes a week to send a quick hello via e-mail. Even a mass e-mail would be great. Maybe someday I'll eat my words. Who knows. Confused

stayawaketill311 · February 2011

Yeah, I've lost friends to Mommyville and DH is feeling right now with the loss of his brother to Daddyville. However, I feel like sometimes now because I have DD, it seems like no one wants to do anything with me...even if I can find a babysitter! DH feels the same way. Tongue Tied

BeccaMarie · February 2011

MrsKizdoodle:
Janell's Nest:
Ok don't want to sound snotty but as a parent its really hard the first 6 months so I don't blame her for dropping off the face of the earth for a bit. When you're a new parent all you care about is sleeping, eating, and changing crap filled diapers. It isn't until they get to that 6 month point and beyond where you finally start to gain ground, get ahead, and really settle into a routine and their schedules get pretty regular.

I don't think I've been lost to mommyville but people get busy, its hard to coordinate schedules, and unfortunately my DH travels for work a LOT and its just me and the boys so I often feel like a shut in because I can't always take DS with me to go out, and he's always with me...
I am not a parent so obviously I don't get it....yet I know plenty of people that don't completely disappear after having a baby and are able to find a healthy balance. I guess I'm especially bummed because the person I talked about above is one of my dearest friends. I hope that I'll be able to communicate with her more in the future.
And even though I'm not a parent I do find it hard to believe there isn't 5 minutes a week to send a quick hello via e-mail. Even a mass e-mail would be great. Maybe someday I'll eat my words. Who knows.

I think it really depends on the mom's schedule, and the baby's personality.

My DD was up every 2 hours at night until she was 1 year old. I was working full-time (45+ hours/week), never slept and struggled with finding enough time to spend with my daughter. When I was at home, I was nursing, or pumping, or doing laundry. Other things, like cleaning my house or spending time with DH just plain old didn't happen for awhile.

So yeah, it WAS hard to find 5 minutes during the week. The exhaustion of NEVER sleeping felt like torture, so when I had a free second, all I wanted to do was close my eyes. I was really hurt by my friends that couldn't understand that for a period of time in my life, I had to have other priorities.

I had other friends who didn't have such a rigorous work schedule, had a baby who slept and had family around to help them out. They had much more free time.

Everyone is different.

Your friend is the one trying to readjust her life, and it isn't always an easy transition. I completely understand you feeling hurt, but try to be understanding.

And while it sucks to have to read about someone else's baby's eating habits, she honestly probably doesn't have much else to write about. That is about as exciting as life gets when you have a baby.

Sorry you are feeling hurt! I personally think it would be ok to *gently* tell your friend that you miss her. Acknowledge that you know she is busy and has new priorities, but maybe you could offer to bring over lunch and hang out and chit chat while her LO plays on the floor?

BeccaMarie · February 2011

emilyj77:
I have and it's really hard. I miss that friendship and I feel hurt at the same time that there isn't room in their life for me or my DH. I was really, really hurt when her DH didn't come to my wedding because they couldn't find a sitter - she came alone. We sent Save the Dates out 6 months in advance, plus she knew about the date when we got engaged. So really she had a year to find a sitter. And it's not like their kid is a newborn, she was 4 years old. So what that told me is that they don't value my friendship.

You didn't invite their DD to your wedding (I'm assuming), and they couldn't find a sitter, so you tied that to the fact that they don't value your friendship? What about the inverse - you didn't invite their DD to your wedding, so they could assume that you didn't value their friendship. (I wouldn't assume that, just trying to invert the logic a bit)

It stinks to be hurt, but trustworthy sitters can be hard to come by on occasion, no matter how much notice one has. Not only that, but they are PRICEY. When I go to a late-afternoon wedding and stay for dinner at the reception, I have to budget a MINIMUM of $100 for the sitter. And sometimes I don't have that much in my budget, so we make alternate plans.

Anyway, I understand how a bride could be hurt by that, but I also understand the parent's perspective as to how/why that could happen - with no hurt intended. I think the understanding needs to go both ways when one set of friends has kids and the other set doesn't.

Mrs. Sarah&Micah · February 2011

I haven't really lost my friend but we have become distant. She had her baby in august and about a month later DH and I found out that our baby has a two vessel cord and needed extra testing/ ultrasounds etc. I was on the phone with her telling her about the discovery and she cut me off saying she had to go and take care if her crying baby and aged call me back in a few minutes. She never called back. If my friend called and was telling me about a possible issue with her unborn child, I would make sure to call her back asap. It definitely made me realize that I will need to keep my friends and make a point to keep in touch.

MrsAshley16 · February 2011

Other than my BFF, we were the first of our friends to have kids. Like a PP, our kidless friends really backed away from us after Olivia was born. We'd hear about them going our, or planning get togethers, and not including us. They claimed they didn't want us to feel obligated and knew we had a lot going on...we took it as a slap in the face. Things got a little better after I started getting a little snotty with my FB status updates. After Amelia, we really don't have time for much. Between the two girls, the house, our jobs and the pets, we're going non stop from 5:00AM-9:30PM during the week. We get maybe 1-2 hours of real family time together a night, so when the weekend comes, we try to focus on spending time together...with our girls. And, Amelia is EBF, and I don't have an ample freezer stash, so that limits my opportunity to be away from her. I do my best to stay in contact and up to date with everyone, usually through FB or e-mail from work...but it's a two way street. And, while it may sound completely selfish to some, j think our single and/or childless friends have more opportunity to reach out to us than we do them. I'm lucky I remember my name most days! When with my friends, I make a concious effort to keep my kid talk to a minimum...usually only when asked about them. I e-mailed all my girlfriends and took the initiative to set up a girls night out. I think while some think their mommy friends have pushed them away, those mommy's are quite possibly thinking the same thing...It doesn't hurt to bring it up, especially if it's that close of a friend. Once my friends started noticing my FB statuses, a couple if them reached out and we were all able to express our opinions and feelings. We're lucky enough to have parents close, and more than willing to babysit...otherwise we could never afford to go out and pay a sitter.

MrsAshley16 · February 2011

Sorry..I posted from my iPod..there WERE paragraphs. Grrrrrr

Janell's Nest · February 2011

MrsKizdoodle:
Janell's Nest:

Ok don't want to sound snotty but as a parent its really hard the first 6 months so I don't blame her for dropping off the face of the earth for a bit. When you're a new parent all you care about is sleeping, eating, and changing crap filled diapers. It isn't until they get to that 6 month point and beyond where you finally start to gain ground, get ahead, and really settle into a routine and their schedules get pretty regular.

I don't think I've been lost to mommyville but people get busy, its hard to coordinate schedules, and unfortunately my DH travels for work a LOT and its just me and the boys so I often feel like a shut in because I can't always take DS with me to go out, and he's always with me...

I am not a parent so obviously I don't get it....yet I know plenty of people that don't completely disappear after having a baby and are able to find a healthy balance. I guess I'm especially bummed because the person I talked about above is one of my dearest friends. I hope that I'll be able to communicate with her more in the future.

And even though I'm not a parent I do find it hard to believe there isn't 5 minutes a week to send a quick hello via e-mail. Even a mass e-mail would be great. Maybe someday I'll eat my words. Who knows.

Kiz I agree with you on most things and can completely understand where you're coming from but no there really isn't 5 minutes left in my day. I get from about 8pm to 10pm to get my crap done to get ready for the next day (laundry, dishes, picking up, packing lunch, laying out clothes, walking the dogs, etc). I get about an hour a night to myself and I take it for myself.

I have more time when DH isn't out of town but not much. Don't get me wrong though I do have friends that completely dropped off the face of the earth after they had kids and I feel like I have a better balance, but everyone is different in their parenting styles.

GermanGirl2007 · February 2011

I feel like I am more understanding of my friends that actually have little ones at home, since I know that can be incredibly busy. What bothers me more is when friends write me off the minute they find out they are pregnant. I understand that it is an exciting time, and I definitely share in that excitement, but I feel like sometimes when those friends realize that I can't relate, they find people that can, and I am left in the dust. I realize that when people have kids, life totally changes, and maybe we don't have as much in common anymore, but becoming pregnant does NOT mean that you can only be friends with other moms. I have definitely been hurt by friends that make me feel like I am not part of the "club".

MrsKizdoodle · February 2011

BeccaMarie:
I think it really depends on the mom's schedule, and the baby's personality.
My DD was up every 2 hours at night until she was 1 year old. I was working full-time (45+ hours/week), never slept and struggled with finding enough time to spend with my daughter. When I was at home, I was nursing, or pumping, or doing laundry. Other things, like cleaning my house or spending time with DH just plain old didn't happen for awhile.
So yeah, it WAS hard to find 5 minutes during the week. The exhaustion of NEVER sleeping felt like torture, so when I had a free second, all I wanted to do was close my eyes. I was really hurt by my friends that couldn't understand that for a period of time in my life, I had to have other priorities.
I had other friends who didn't have such a rigorous work schedule, had a baby who slept and had family around to help them out. They had much more free time.
Everyone is different.
Your friend is the one trying to readjust her life, and it isn't always an easy transition. I completely understand you feeling hurt, but try to be understanding.
And while it sucks to have to read about someone else's baby's eating habits, she honestly probably doesn't have much else to write about. That is about as exciting as life gets when you have a baby.
Sorry you are feeling hurt! I personally think it would be ok to *gently* tell your friend that you miss her. Acknowledge that you know she is busy and has new priorities, but maybe you could offer to bring over lunch and hang out and chit chat while her LO plays on the floor?

Thanks for your perspective. It is good to hear all sides. And I guess until I'm in the same boat I can never really know what it's like.

She lives in Kansas City otherwise I'd definitely do what you suggested in your last paragraph.

MrsKizdoodle · February 2011

Okay be straight with me. Is 3 really short e-mails in 6 months "normal" for a new parent? That just seems crazy to me. But, again, I've never been there.

I feel like I'm mourning a friendship in some ways. I know it will never be the same again and that bums me out. Sad

BeccaMarie · February 2011

MrsKizdoodle:
Okay be straight with me. Is 3 really short e-mails in 6 months "normal" for a new parent? That just seems crazy to me. But, again, I've never been there.

I feel like I'm mourning a friendship in some ways. I know it will never be the same again and that bums me out.

I wouldn't say that it is 'normal' but definitely not unusual. For me at least, I would get so busy, and it was a challenge to try and stay caught up with the things that *had* to get done, that the *wants* would get put-off. Time flew by so quickly, that if it had been me, I would've have been thinking, "I just e-mailed Kiz last week" when really, it would have been 2 months ago.

And I don't think anyone blames you for mourning the change! Whether she admits it or not, your friend is probably mourning the same. I would venture to say that every mom misses the freedom of 'pre-kids' at one point or another. I love life with my daughter, but that doesn't mean I don't miss 'the way things used to be' sometimes.

Definitely reach out to her. As another poster said, sometimes it is easier to respond than initiate communication. GL!

MrsKizdoodle · February 2011

BeccaMarie:

I wouldn't say that it is 'normal' but definitely not unusual. For me at least, I would get so busy, and it was a challenge to try and stay caught up with the things that *had* to get done, that the *wants* would get put-off. Time flew by so quickly, that if it had been me, I would've have been thinking, "I just e-mailed Kiz last week" when really, it would have been 2 months ago.
And I don't think anyone blames you for mourning the change! Whether she admits it or not, your friend is probably mourning the same. I would venture to say that every mom misses the freedom of 'pre-kids' at one point or another. I love life with my daughter, but that doesn't mean I don't miss 'the way things used to be' sometimes.
Definitely reach out to her. As another poster said, sometimes it is easier to respond than initiate communication. GL!

It's good to read things from the mom-side. Thank you.

I do reach out. I've sent e-mails over the last 6 months. Just quick "Hi, I'm thinking about you" type deals. 99% of them go unanswered. And I didn't want to send a ton and be annoying so I haven't sent all that many.

Okay, time for bed. Thanks for all the opinions and advice on this!!

ilovebijou · February 2011

I think you have to give new moms a pass for the first 8-12 weeks to get things figured out but she's had awhile as a new mom and I would feel slighted too at the decrease in contact. I don't even know if it's worth bringing this up to her.

I think everyone reacts differently to "the change". My husband is really hands-on with our daughter so pretty much when he gets home from work or on the weekends he does a lot of the caregiving and I'm free to meet friends out or just have some "me" time. The last few weeks I've had plans 4 nights out 7 of the week with friends and I feel like I need my girlfriend time now more than ever.

ilovebijou · February 2011

MrsKizdoodle:

Okay be straight with me. Is 3 really short e-mails in 6 months "normal" for a new parent? That just seems crazy to me. But, again, I've never been there.

I feel like I'm mourning a friendship in some ways. I know it will never be the same again and that bums me out.

This seems crazy to me too. It's not that hard to email. I would be upset with that amount of contact too from a good friend.

Janell's Nest · February 2011

BeccaMarie:
MrsKizdoodle:

Okay be straight with me. Is 3 really short e-mails in 6 months "normal" for a new parent? That just seems crazy to me. But, again, I've never been there.

I feel like I'm mourning a friendship in some ways. I know it will never be the same again and that bums me out.

I wouldn't say that it is 'normal' but definitely not unusual. For me at least, I would get so busy, and it was a challenge to try and stay caught up with the things that *had* to get done, that the *wants* would get put-off. Time flew by so quickly, that if it had been me, I would've have been thinking, "I just e-mailed Kiz last week" when really, it would have been 2 months ago.

And I don't think anyone blames you for mourning the change! Whether she admits it or not, your friend is probably mourning the same. I would venture to say that every mom misses the freedom of 'pre-kids' at one point or another. I love life with my daughter, but that doesn't mean I don't miss 'the way things used to be' sometimes.

Definitely reach out to her. As another poster said, sometimes it is easier to respond than initiate communication. GL!

I agree with this...and there's been times where the email has popped up on my phone and I am in the middle of difusing a bomb in the house and I think to myself "i'll email her back shortly", then "shortly" turns into a week or two because I forget. I also spend a lot of time on email at work and at the end of the day its the last thing I want to be doing...its times like that I'd rather have a phone call.

Janell's Nest · February 2011

I should also state that I have an EXTREMELY high energy 19mo. old in the house so if I turn my back for a second he might be swinging from the light fixtures (and I am serious on that one, he's a dare devil)! If I had a little one who was more content to sit on the floor playing blocks, or watching a tv program then perhaps it might be easier to do "other" things while he's playing (while still keeping an eye on him)...but its really not, he's all over the place and into everything!

MrsKizdoodle · February 2011

ilovebijou:
This seems crazy to me too. It's not that hard to email. I would be upset with that amount of contact too from a good friend.

I'm actually really glad to hear that from a mom. I was starting to get the impression that motherhood is zero down time and complete chaos until the kid leaves for college! (ok, not that extreme...but close) Maybe just in Janell's house? Stick out tongue Big Smile

ariel06 · February 2011

Is she a SAHM now? I send way less emails to my friends without children because my life pretty much revolves around my boys and their sleeping, eating, and bodily functions (gross, I know!). Since none of these are great email subjects, maybe your friend doesn't know what to write.

I feel horrible for not giving my friendships the attention they deserve. My youngest is a little younger than your friend's baby. I'm finally feeling like I'm able to start getting on top of things. Let your friend know that you miss her and maybe ask when is a good time to call and chat.

Ever lose a friend to Mommyville?

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