Baby?

MrsAaronS · February 2011

My DH and I just got married about five months ago, and I love being a newlywed. But, I want a baby so bad!!! I have wanted to me a wife and mother since I knew what those words even meant. But H is not ready for baby and i know we are not financially stable enough for one. But still I don't think I can wait 3 years like we originally had planned... Any advice?

renegade gaucho · February 2011

Stop being crazy?

Maybride2 · February 2011

Get a life. Seriously. Stop obsessing over having a baby and find something else to do. Do you work? Go to school? Have an hobbies?

Being a mom is great. It really is. But it's an all encompassing responsibility, one that will likely take priority over EVERYTHING else in your life. Spend the next few years focusing on all of those other things (your marriage, your job, YOURSELF), and you'll be a better mother because of it.

And if you know you can't financially afford it right now, I would hope that would serve as plenty of incentive to wait.

renegade gaucho · February 2011

Also, keep in mind that baby-crazy people are incredibly annoying to everyone else. So if you don't want your friends to avoid you for the next three years, keep it to yourself!

EastCoastBride · February 2011

Maybride2:

Get a life. Seriously. Stop obsessing over having a baby and find something else to do. Do you work? Go to school? Have an hobbies?

Being a mom is great. It really is. But it's an all encompassing responsibility, one that will likely take priority over EVERYTHING else in your life. Spend the next few years focusing on all of those other things (your marriage, your job, YOURSELF), and you'll be a better mother because of it.

And if you know you can't financially afford it right now, I would hope that would serve as plenty of incentive to wait.

This, a million times over. People obsessed w/ having a baby right.this.minute really do tend to be the same people whose lives become ONLY about the baby and are, to behonest, BORING.

Have more going on in your life so that you continue to be a whole person.

Lil'BlackDress · February 2011

You agreed on 3 years and then all of a sudden 5 months later you want one asap, did you lie to your H when you agreed that 3 years was good? or did this "I have to have it now just come up after you got married?" I'm guessing you when you said "3 years" you said it thinking "when I get married it'll be fine, we won't have to actually wait 3 years"

chickaboo1974 · February 2011

I am going to be honest- having a baby is a stress on a marriage. My boys are 3 months old, and I can say everything from getting pregnant to now has been full of worry and stress. I can truely say that if DH and I had not been married for over 5 years and were stable in our marriage- I don't think I could have put up with his crap and I am sure he feels that at times I am a total ***.

Take the 3 years to get established in your marriage, travel, take some fun classes, buy a house (a whole other stressor), have some fun together. When you are both ready, having a baby is a stress but oh a wonderful and loving stress.

ehathewa · February 2011

If you aren't financially stable... it is definitely not a good time for a baby. Babies are expensive and couples fight lots when money is tight. Don't do that to yourself, husband or baby.

Focus your efforts on making a good nest egg and having a fun first year (or three) of marriage.

girlblue · February 2011

"H is not ready for a baby and i know we are not financially stable enough for one."

This is why you should wait. If you have any issues now, they will be exasperated times a 1,000 if you have a baby.

hlashley · February 2011

Its not bad to have a baby right after getting married, no financial situation ever seems fully ready, and people do change their minds all the time about when they want kids after they get married. But the key (read: HUGE) factor is that your DH isn't ready yet. You love him, you want him to be the father of your children, so be patient and give him time. Please do not over-communicate on this topic (read: nag/pester/manipulate/insist). When the time comes for children (whether 3 years or a couple of months), you will want a fully supportive partner to do this with and that will not happen if you get what you think you want via pulling teeth style. You can have a conversation about the topic, let him know what you're thinking/feeling, but then let it settle. He will come around when its right for him. And when it comes to baby making (yes, I did just phrase it that way) you REALLY need both of you to be on board. And there's no way to convince him to be on board. It just has to happen in his head and heart.

pastrypuff9000 · February 2011

Don't be that woman.

I wish I had your DH's email address so I could tell him to watch you take your pills every morning and to check under your tongue.

I predict an "oopsie" baby.

KristenLB · February 2011

if you guys already talked about it then you should stick with what you said.

but people change their minds all the time.

and all you ladies don't need to be so rude, i mean saying get a life, or stop being crazy or make sure you take your pills? that's a little overboard don't you think?

kelnyc · February 2011

hlashley:
Its not bad to have a baby right after getting married, no financial situation ever seems fully ready, and people do change their minds all the time about when they want kids after they get married. But the key (read: HUGE) factor is that your DH isn't ready yet. You love him, you want him to be the father of your children, so be patient and give him time. Please do not over-communicate on this topic (read: nag/pester/manipulate/insist). When the time comes for children (whether 3 years or a couple of months), you will want a fully supportive partner to do this with and that will not happen if you get what you think you want via pulling teeth style. You can have a conversation about the topic, let him know what you're thinking/feeling, but then let it settle. He will come around when its right for him. And when it comes to baby making (yes, I did just phrase it that way) you REALLY need both of you to be on board. And there's no way to convince him to be on board. It just has to happen in his head and heart.

Brilliantly said. Yes

pastrypuff9000 · February 2011

KristenLB:
if you guys already talked about it then you should stick with what you said.
but people change their minds all the time.

and all you ladies don't need to be so rude, i mean saying get a life, or stop being crazy or make sure you take your pills? that's a little overboard don't you think?

So, saying you need a baby NOW! NOW! NOW! isn't crazy?

Bathlove · February 2011

DH and I have been married for a little over 7 months now, and I've totally wanted a baby for a long time. However, I know it wouldn't be the right thing to do right now. Just remember that when you start thinking of how awesome babies are. DH and I are also waiting a few years till we expand our nest. It seems like a long time when you dwell on it, but just think how quickly that time will fly. Before you know it ya'll will be ready to start trying to conceive. In the mean time, look at baby stuff on the web (I like to look at nursery stuff and junk like that). I'm also a big lurker on the bump and getting pregnant board. We'll be there someday, and we'll be better parents for waiting!

KristenLB · February 2011

pastrypuff9000:
KristenLB:

if you guys already talked about it then you should stick with what you said.

but people change their minds all the time.

and all you ladies don't need to be so rude, i mean saying get a life, or stop being crazy or make sure you take your pills? that's a little overboard don't you think?

So, saying you need a baby NOW! NOW! NOW! isn't crazy?

yeah, i would say that's crazy but i didnt get that when i read her post. i just got that she would like to have one soon but she doesn't want to wait 5 years or 3 years, whatever it was.

zitiqueen · February 2011

KristenLB:
yeah, i would say that's crazy but i didnt get that when i read her post. i just got that she would like to have one soon but she doesn't want to wait 5 years or 3 years, whatever it was.

But still I don't think I can wait 3 years like we originally had planned... Any advice?

Really, you didn't get crazy from that? Stick around for more than 41 posts. This is code for "Tell me it's okay to 'skip' my Pills or poke holes in the condoms."

geekette2010 · February 2011

I suggest getting a puppy.

Or babysitting friends' kids. Or volunteering somewhere taking care of kids.

For real. If you're just a nurturing kind of person, find an outlet for that. I don't have baby-itis yet, but I always need something to take care of. I used to volunteer at a shelter for pregnant women taking care of their kids while they were at work or class. And then I volunteered in the church nursery on Sunday, taking care of little ones so their parents could pay attention to the service.

Now I have dog and a lot of plants.

Seriously, you're not ready. Find a positive outlet for that energy till you are.

MrsAaronS · February 2011

Thanks for all the good advice, and thanks for the reality check on the harsh advice. For now I will focus on being a good wife! (and I am NOT skipping pills!!) I'm very impatient so waiting for anything is going to be hard, but I will just have to suck it up and wait! I want to have fun ttc and not feel guilty, and I don't want my baby to miss out on anything because we couldn't wait till we were more stable. So thanks again.

P.S. I'm NOT crazy, I'm just looking forward to being a mother.... someday

MrsAaronS · February 2011

so this is DH even though its weird saying that. thanks to all the great ladies who gave my wife true advice which is what she asked for, not to be called crazy. she is one of the biggest family people that i have ever met which was a value she had that i really grabbed on to since that is something i did not have while growing up. i have a huge family, as does she, though mine has less of the core values needed to hold a family together. when we decided what would be the right time to have a child it wasnt set in stone it was just the most reasonable time. God is in control of what happens when it boils down to it. and if her mind changes then i cant just throw it out the window can i? what kind of husband would i be? i am definetly not a passive person but ive learned by the mistakes my parents have made that i cant just continually have my own way and expect to be married more than a few years. when i decided to put a ring on her finger i was also deciding that this life is no longer about just me but her before me. with that said if u are going to comment on a newlywed excited about starting a family and asking for advice, try making it a positive comment. why be rude about it? dont get on here over anylizing something someone said and taking it way out of context. im not going to stand there and watch her take a pill when trust is one of the biggest parts of a marriage. i feel sorry for any man who would even have to consider that. if you want to comment and put someone down only bc they are excited to one day be in a position that most of you are, already being parents yourselves, what kind of crazy person does that make you. and if u want to be dumb take that stuff somewhere else.

MallardDucky · February 2011

MrsAaronS:
so this is DH even though its weird saying that. thanks to all the great ladies who gave my wife true advice which is what she asked for, not to be called crazy. she is one of the biggest family people that i have ever met which was a value she had that i really grabbed on to since that is something i did not have while growing up. i have a huge family, as does she, though mine has less of the core values needed to hold a family together. when we decided what would be the right time to have a child it wasnt set in stone it was just the most reasonable time. God is in control of what happens when it boils down to it. and if her mind changes then i cant just throw it out the window can i? what kind of husband would i be? i am definetly not a passive person but ive learned by the mistakes my parents have made that i cant just continually have my own way and expect to be married more than a few years. when i decided to put a ring on her finger i was also deciding that this life is no longer about just me but her before me. with that said if u are going to comment on a newlywed excited about starting a family and asking for advice, try making it a positive comment. why be rude about it? dont get on here over anylizing something someone said and taking it way out of context. im not going to stand there and watch her take a pill when trust is one of the biggest parts of a marriage. i feel sorry for any man who would even have to consider that. if you want to comment and put someone down only bc they are excited to one day be in a position that most of you are, already being parents yourselves, what kind of crazy person does that make you. and if u want to be dumb take that stuff somewhere else.

2 things:

First: Learn what paragraphs are how use them. I didn't even get halfway through your post because I could not read it.

Second: This is a public let me say it again PUBLIC message board. You are going to get all different kinds of opinions.

It sounds like your wife needs to put on her big girl panties if she can not handle being told the truth. What she got here is very tame to what has been handed out. Also if she is telling people on a message board and not you there is a problem and you both need to figure it out.

I also forsee an opps baby because honestly I do not see her waiting. I give it 6 months max

Maybride2 · February 2011

Hilarious. It's been awhile since we had a schizo on the board.

renegade gaucho · February 2011

MrsAaronS:
and if u want to be dumb take that stuff somewhere else.

U should take ur own advice.

alithebride · February 2011

learn to control yourself.

101709lovey · February 2011

hlashley:
Its not bad to have a baby right after getting married, no financial situation ever seems fully ready, and people do change their minds all the time about when they want kids after they get married. But the key (read: HUGE) factor is that your DH isn't ready yet. You love him, you want him to be the father of your children, so be patient and give him time. Please do not over-communicate on this topic (read: nag/pester/manipulate/insist). When the time comes for children (whether 3 years or a couple of months), you will want a fully supportive partner to do this with and that will not happen if you get what you think you want via pulling teeth style. You can have a conversation about the topic, let him know what you're thinking/feeling, but then let it settle. He will come around when its right for him. And when it comes to baby making (yes, I did just phrase it that way) you REALLY need both of you to be on board. And there's no way to convince him to be on board. It just has to happen in his head and heart.

Couldn't have said it ANY better.

Belichick · February 2011

I love this post. The OP is 18 fvcking years old (per the How Old Were You When You Married post on ML) and the only person coming to her defense, besides her H is a broke 20 year old with a kid-

http://community.thenest.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/48760396.aspx

In all seriousness, I find it soooo sad that you want nothing more out of life at 18 than to be a mom. I am 33 and a SAHM, I love my life, but I also love that I lived before my kids.

Get an education and work experience so that you can properly support you children, travel and spend time with your H so that you have the most solid foundation possible. Enjoy having time to put yourself first, you are so young, there is so much time for kids, why are you in such a rush?

bostonjen · February 2011

wait.

First, it's unfair to pressure someone to have a baby if they just aren't ready. Second, take advantage of the time you have now to spend with each other. After a baby, you will hardly have any time with just the two of you. Enjoy being newlyweds and chill about the baby.

BlondeMoment123 · February 2011

Simple. No money = no baby. Get a life of your own. There's more to life than being a wife and mother.

k3montel · February 2011

I know how you feel. I went through that exact same process a few months ago. DH and I have been married for almost 11 months, and we agreed to take the pill for our first year. I went baby crazy between 4-6 months into the marriage. My advice is to see if you can babysit a baby that is crawling / walking already for an entire day or weekend. Then borrow a five year old for a day or weekend. That's what I did then, and it worked for a few months. We just had my 9 year old adopted brother for 5 days, and financially, we're okay now. My DH was not ready until after we had my brother for almost a week. After that, he said, "okay, we can do it".

Just give it at least a little more time. The thing I had to keep telling myself is that I promised I would wait at least 1 year (I know yours is 3 years, and you might have another discussion). It's hard, but you can do it. GL!

Bathlove · February 2011

Wow. Not sure if people are still checking this post much, but I'm a little surprised at how rude some people are being. I understand that everyone agrees that she should wait to have children and it would be craziness to dive into having children at this point in her life, but is it really necessary to lash out at her just for asking for advice (see original post; she literally just asks for advice. That doesn't seem to warrant such harsh responses.)? Anyway, I understand that this is "public," but it doesn't give you a license to be rude.

jalara48 · February 2011

I can't believe some the responses you're getting! Ladies, there is no need of being so rude.

I understand what it feels like when the biological alarm clock starts going off. It's hard to get past it and focus on other things.

My advice would be to sit down with your husband and discuss the feelings you're having, and maybe the two of you can find a way to reach your financial goals sooner, and be ready for a family sooner.

If you need a distraction, maybe you could sit down and try to make a Before-Baby-Bucket-List. It was great fun when we did it

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