Sex & Romance
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Swinging........?
Anyone have ANY opinions, information, experience with this?
I've always been interested and, of course, my husband is interested (the whole thing about girl on girl, etc).
Just looking for feedback, input, etc.......?
Thanks in advance! :-)
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Re: Swinging........?
You have to be absolutely certain it's what you want to do. How will you feel when your H has his paws all over some other woman? Do you want anyone else touching you? Is your H ok with someone else touching you? Only women? These are all things you would have to discuss and make rules for. You have to plan everything out and have a plan of action for if someone becomes uncomfortable.
Doing something like this can easily ruin your marriage. Is it worth the risk?
Syphillis.
Since you asked for ANY opinion, I would say don't do it because if your sig pic is how you look your best, you might have a hard time finding partners.
Honestly, what are you looking for here? People to tell you "yeah, go ahead and do it!" You are a big girl, make your own decisions, and if you are apprehensive about it, it probably isn't a great idea. Are you mentally/emotionally prepared to watch your husband stick it to another woman (or maybe man, if your husband is expecting girl-on-girl, he better be willing to take it up the ass for you). I'm sure I'll see you on a board like TIP or Relationships in the future complaining how your relationship is shot to sh!t afterward.
No, I'm not looking for confirmation/affirmation since I am making my own decision, not based on what individuals say on TN. I just wanted to see what people had to say about it, mostly out of curiousity about public opinion.
I am the one who wants the girl on girl, he just wholeheartedly approves (I am bisexual) and so no, I am not expecting him to 'take it up the ass for me.'
There are 'rules' that each couple, the primary relationship, sets up in order to protect their own bond (of course, mishaps happen and marriages do get ruined by this) like no kissing, no cuddling, etc. This can help prepare you emotionally/mentally prepare someone but we'll see. I'll be sure to keep you updated.
Oh, and thanks for the props on how I look my best. I'll be sure to pass the compliment along to my dog, her self esteem is surely going to suffer.
With something like this, boundaries must must must be set up at the very beginning. Is it okay if you're both banging strangers, but not people you know? Is unprotected oral okay for either of you to give/receive? What happens if one of you enjoys the sex with someone else so much that you want to go back and bang that person again? Does he just want to watch you with other girls, or does he get to play with other girls too? Do you both have to be there at the same time, or are you each allowed to go play separately?
There are literally hundreds of potential ways that this could go, and unless your relationship is extremely strong, dedicated, and completely free from jealousy in all ways...there's a distinct possibility that this could ruin your marriage. It doesn't HAVE TO, but there are so many aspects involved with bringing other parties into the bedroom that you just can't foresee all of possible scenarios and know how you'll react to each one. Oftentimes, what sounds reasonable in theory causes a completely different reaction when it actually happens.
Just be very very careful if you decide to proceed with this, and know that communication is ABSOLUTELY ESSENTIAL.
It's already clear that you seem to have your mind made up, and now anyone who doesn't agree with you or tells you this is a bad idea is going to be insulted and argued against, but I digress...
The Lifestyle is not for the weak, or for the weak of heart. Just because you're "bisexual" means jack-sh!t in a situation - it's not just about you. Communication is key, and something tells me you and your dear husband are no where even close to this level. If you really think the "girl on girl" thing is the extent of it, you are sorely mistaken, and you probably should have done your research further before even considering opening this can of worms. True, every couple has their own sets of rules and limits, but like I said before, this isn't going to be just about what YOU want - the Lifestyle involves the couple, and if you're lucky enough to come across that Single Female, well, lucky you... and poor her.
You've only been married for a year, and if I remember correctly you were only dating for 6 months before that... something tells me that you need to really focus on your own relationship first before even trying to take a step over this bridge, especially since you are/were going to counseling.
PS - you have to actually enjoy sex for this to work... just a thought.
updated 10.03.12
yea and you are that hot. because your not from the looks of your pic
Talk talk talk talk talk. Communication is key, as is ENTHUSIASTIC consent from all parties involved.
I know a lot of the women on here don't agree with brining other people into a sexual relationship, and that's fine for them, but don't let other people determine what makes you and your husband sexually fulfilled. There are absolutely very successful marriages that welcome other partners.
You'll need to be very clear about what you want and what the rules are. Will you be adding a third, or a whole couple? Are you looking for long-term partners, or one-nighters? Will both of you switch? Is he just interested in seeing you with a woman? How do both of you feel about you being with another man? Are there any acts that are off-limits (oral? anal? kissing on the mouth?)?
You get my point. It can seem somehow unglamorous or unromantic to discuss these things, but it's a lot more unsexy to end up divorced because you didn't.
There are many blogs out there that discuss polyamory and swinging; I highly recommend you find some sex-positive ones and read about other people's poly lives.
Good luck, and good for you for exploring your sexuality!
No, it would be full swap.
We've, like you, been married for a year and a half and we were dating one year before that. Yes, not the longest time but still - none of your business.
HA! Love it!
Thanks for some questions to think about it!
We've covered all of what you mentioned but definitely can't hurt to go over them again. I will definitely look into those blogs, thanks again!
The looks comment was weird lol. Swingers come in all shapes and sizes, there would be no trouble finding someone regardless of what you look like (and yes I know it was a picture of your dog)
I have no experience in this department because I would never be able to see my H with another woman. That being said, I have a couple I work with and I am close to both of them. They are "swingers" They're still together, for their children (3) but they are a trouble couple. Why? Because he broke the rules, then she broke the rules to get back at him. He slept with girls behind her back. She slept with another man behind his back. They got back together, and the "open-ness" continued, until he went behind her back again, I'm not sure if he still does it; he's stopped telling me. At what point would you consider him 'cheating' vs 'swinging' it's a very thin line? You have to trust him 100% like all the pp's said. There can be no jealously, and your heart needs to lie with him, you must be loyal. This also needs to be the case for him. Once you open this door though, there really is no going back so just think about it before you decide on anything.
Good luck though, I hope you're happy with whatever decision you make.
You, as always, are missing the point. Probably yet another fine example as to why this is nothing short of a bad idea.
updated 10.03.12
was that how long you were dating when you had your wedding? or when you told your ILs you were already married and they missed it, so that you didnt have to invite them to your wedding?
Wow uscuba, you really had trouble typing out that one sentence, huh? Only one space between words in a sentence and usually punctuation is suitable, oh, and there are 2 different forms of "your/you're, I know choosing the right one must be tough.
To OP, I'm just wondering what you are looking for here? You've basically said to everyone who had input that you "already thought about it/went over that" and whatnot, so it seems you've made your mind up, which is great since it's your decision to make, I'm just confused as to why you made this post. Why does public opinion matter if it's something you want to do?
Coming from someone who has never swung, but has had previous open relationships...
Ditto the recommendation about communication. Establish boundaries -- what exactly is off limits? Spell it out clearly -- I am ok with you having oral sex with another person, but I don't want you to penetrate/be penetrated by another person. I am ok with kissing and fondling, but not with sex toys. Discuss safe sex practices in a non-ambiguous manner. Discuss whether or not you want to have sex outside of each other's eyesight. Is this openness only a together thing or are you comfortable having sex in different rooms? Whatever your rules are -- make them incredibly detailed and clear so that there is no misunderstanding when you are in the throes of passion. Remember, you can always loosen the rules later. Also, discuss the after -- are you going to share these stories with friends? Are you only going to do it out of town or are you going to actively search for people locally?
Secondly, VETO POWER. Each partner must have the right to say "Nope. I don't want you to have sex with that person" and the other person must back off immediately without any pouting or whining. No partner should feel like their feelings are being neglected or steam-rolled in the moments of lust.
Thirdly, each person has the right to say "Whoa! This isn't going the way I thought it would. We need to close the relationship/focus on us/strengthen our relationship for a while" WITHOUT the other person whining and pouting. Just because you opened the monogamy door once/10 times/100 times, you don't have to continue being non-monogamous. Monogamy and non-monogamy is a choice you make every day.
Fourthly, both of you must acknowledge that there is a dearth of hot people out there. It isn't easy to find like-minded people who lust after you. Crying shame.
Finally, about swinging in particular: In swing clubs, women have the power. Couples are usually the only ones admitted, and rarely are single men let in. You control access to your body and others must ask permission to touch you. If you find a local swinging club, just go and look the first time. Both of you should agree that you are just going to look/not touch and see if it is a scene that turns you on in actuality (as opposed to the fantasy in your heads). Watch how the rules are enacted, see the lay of the land. Then come home and talk some more...see what turned you on and what new rules you have now that you have actual observations to work with.
Here is a video of my beloved Dan Savage talking about non-monogamy and swinging:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fm9Bwpxy4V0
Good luck!
I agree with TEM325. "If you didn't want a monogamous sexual relationship, then WTF did you get married?"
Firstly, married couples do not own the exclusive rights to monogamy. Many co-habitating couples have the expectation of monogamy within their relationship as well, so to say "Why did you get married?" is just lame.
Seriously, mutual monogamy (expecting both husband and wife to be monogamous) is a fairly recent societal construct. Heck -- if you look at the wording of traditional wedding vows, you don't see the words "monogamous" or "sexual fidelity" anywhere in them.
Take a look:
"I (name) take you (name) to be my (wife/husband), to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, until death us do part."
If you and your partner choose to be monogamous, good for you. But under the laws of most states, sexual faithfulness is not a requirement for marriage. If the OP and her husband want to do something different for their own marriage, it is nothing to you. Why attack just because it doesn't fit into your world view?
Oh, good Lord.......in the vast majority of marriages, marriage typically implies fidelity. Most people, when saying marriage vows or when exchanging rings, incorporate fidelity. Just because the ones you had up there didn't have fidelity mentioned doesn't mean that is what is normal.
I think the intent to maintain monogamous is a pretty typical social norm and assumption on marriage. It is pretty safe to say this isn't MY world view, and that many others share this world view. It's the norm. Those that want to incorporate multiple partners are the exception to the rule and I think most people can agree that very very few relationships can survive introducing outside sexual partners into the mix.
Hey - I am not a swinger, but I do think I saw a "Tribe" board on mothering.dot.commune that for was couples in open relationships.
GL!
Agreed!
I am not going to judge you,
I just have a 2 ?
1. You said you are Bi, So how do you know the grass will not look better on the other side?
2. In my vows, I heard something about"Forsake all others" I took it as everyother man excep.. DH. Was I thinking wrong?