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IN-LAWS
My fiances mother can be such a pain in the arse. Sometimes I find myself just wanting to flip out on her. She is very demanding and has to have things done her way. My fiance and I are pregnant with our first child we found out we're having a boy and have decided to name him Thomas Ryan. We decided to give the baby my fiances brothers middle name. We had origionally picked out the name Xavier Ryan, but because his mother didn't like it we decided to change the first name just so we didn't have to hear her compain about it everyday. The day we found out we were having a boy I was only 15 weeks, I never expected to find out at that ultrasound, his mom cried and complained for two weeks because I had told her she could come the 19 wk apt when i thought that we were going to find out the gender. After she calmed down about that I decided to invite her to go shopping with me.. I wanted to buy a cute plaid colored onsie and tan shorts for the baby to wear home from the hospital in June, but she didn't like the color and didn't wnat "her baby brought home in that". Both of my parents passed away when I was very young so I've never had that constant parent concern around me growing up.. His mother had times where she can be nice but they are few and far between. I understand it is her first grandchild but I have never seen any grandparent walk in to a store and tell the cashier that they are buying clothes for their baby, more than once.
I need help I don't want to be one of those people that can't stand their in-laws but I'm not sure what to do about he being so demanding.
Re: IN-LAWS
Your FI definitely needs to start setting boundaries.
Is he a total momma's boy?
Her baby? HAHA tell her to get f'ed. Your FI needs to stand up to his mother. How old are the two of you?
THIS! THIS! THIS!
If you don't stop this now it's going to just get worse...really worse once the baby comes!
Sara, Friend?
glove slap. I don't take crap.
Well you have pretty much taught her that if she gripes and complains enough, you guys will let her have whatever she wants. I mean you actually changed your baby's name to appease her. Unbelievable. You have given her no reason to stop. I mean why should she? She is like the kid throwing a tantrum in the middle of a candy store. If throwing a fit will get them the candy, they will keep doing it.
Change your son's name back to Xavier since that is the name you both originally agreed upon. If she harps on you about it, you leave or hang up the phone. Do this every single time. Simply, do not get into conversations about your parenting choices.
You keep giving in to her! She's getting her way, so she'll continue the behavior. Stop giving her her way.
Why in God's name did you change the name that you picked out for YOUR child and decide against buying him the clothes that YOU wanted?
If you're going to act like this, you may as well pick up the adoption papers now. Because she's going to be parenting that little boy in no time if you don't grow a pair.
Go shopping now and buy the cute plaid shorts that you liked. You can bring the baby home from the hospital in them when the time comes.
When the baby is born, be sure not to allow your MIL in the room or even phone her before the baby is born. When it's time to sign the paperwork, give the baby the name that YOU like. After the papers have been filed, she can b*tch all she wants, but the babys name will be public record and permanent.
You need to learn that it's easier to ask forgiveness than permission. Well, actually you really don't need your MIL to forgive you, but stop asking her input on YOUR baby.
Stop sharing info with your MIL until after things are over. You may have lost your parents, but your MIL does NOT have your best interests at heart. She wants things her way, the f*ck with whatever is important to you. She is not your friend. You might need to play nice b/c she is your fi's mom, but don't trust her. Stop sharing your plans. Let your FI deal with her tantrums.
this. if my MIL tried to tell me how to raise my kid, or how to dress him, OR ESPECIALLY WHAT TO NAME HIM...i'd cut a b!tch. that's crazy.
My Shopping Blog
Given her history, the both of you should never have told her what sex the baby is -- and where is your bf in this?
I see no evidence that he's standing together with you on this.
He can't stand his mom and if he had it his way he would probably never talk to her again, but I was that way with my dad the last few months of his life and even though i was only 12 when he passed i still regret not talking to him enough everyday. I guess i'm the reason he still talks to his mother, because i know what it's like to want to go back and change something you can't.
We've started doing what we want how we want, and we just don't tell them and once they find out we did something she doesn't like we just don't answer the phone when she calls anymore. It's hard not to talk to her at all though because we both love his dad [couldn't ask for a better dad than him], she treats his dad the same way, and if we don't talk to her she won't let his dad answer the phone when my FI calls.
ahhhh. That explains it.
However, that doesn't mean that you need to force your DH to have a relationship w/ his mom. Being a "parent" doesn't make a person a good person. It doesn't necessarily make that person someone you NEED to have a relationship with. And as we get older and mature and become adults, we often start to see our parents for who they really are. And sometimes "who" they are are NOT good people.
If your DH wants to distance himself from her, then respect that and support that and stop trying to force something that is obviously making you both miserable.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
The only way the two of you will have any control over your own lives is to distance yourselves from her. Yes, ideally you would have a good relationship with her and so would your child, but she's shown time and time again that she is not a reasonable person. People don't always get along just because they share DNA.
Your fiance has the right idea here. Let him decide how to best handle his mom, and if that means not having a relationship with her at all, then that's how it goes. You can't expect her to change. If you keep trying to force a relationship with her, this is how you will always feel: disrespected and angry. In fact, it will only get worse once the baby is here. The two of you have to start drawing boundaries NOW, starting with your child's name.
well, you can thank yourselves for always giving in and thank you FI for not being able to stand up to her. stop doing that!
All of the pp's gave really good advice. Def take it and stop placating his mother. The more you do it, the longer you do it, the harder it will be to break the cycle.
If your H doesn't want a relationship w/ his mother, then let that be the way it is. Forcing him to be a part of her life just b/c you think he should is not the way to do it. I'm sorry for your loss, but like pp said, you were young. You are an adult now and need to learn to make decisions for yourself.
FWIW, my MIL was starting out close to this when we first started dating. I kept my mouth shut for over a year before I finally sat down and told her how it was going to be and she could either deal with and support us, or be against us. For her, we needed to be very direct w/ her and tell her she was overstepping bounds. Ever since then, she knows that if she starts this crap, we will tell her what's she is doing is wrong, then not talk to her until she realizes she can't dictate our lives.
is your FIL incapable of using his fingers?? cuz that's the only way i can see it working out...pretty sure HE could call you too.
My Shopping Blog
First off, like everyone else has said, you need to name your baby whatever you and your FI want to name him.
Also, I would tell her that she doesn't need to worry. her baby, you know, her son, won't be wearing a onsie and shorts home. Your baby, however, will be.
I understand that you're trying to keep the peace but sometimes, that just isn't an option. I'm not saying be rude, just take a stand and show her where the boundaries are. Whoever said it'll get nothing but worse after the baby is born in 100% right!
I would also be talking to your FI. His mother, his conversation. He can't let her continue to walk all over you. Get him to stand up for you, stand up for yourself, and stand up for your baby!
OP, if you don't put a stop to this now I promise you will regret it. The situation between my H, SS, and MIL is probably something you'll end up with.
When DH was 23 he had an accidental child with his 19 year old girlfriend (actually ex-gf by the time she gave birth). DH was in no way ready for a child nor did he want one. So, much of the burden fell on MIL, who was fine and dandy about this because she likes to feel needed and has some codependency issues. It also served as a way to keep her only child, whom she raised by herself, close to her.
Here we are 9 years later. DH is willing and able to care for his son and does a good job at it. Problem is that MIL likes to act like SS is her son, not DH's. Yes, it's DH's fault for being in this situation in the first place, but MIL needs to take a step back. She's constantly undermining DH's parenting (ex: MIL was going to take SS to an amusement park, SS was acting out and being a brat, DH told her not to take him since he was misbehaving, MIL took SS anyway), calling DH just to speak to SS and telling SS he can spend the night with her without ever asking DH first or even mentioning it sometimes.
The most recent problem was New Year's Eve...DH was fighting with MIL over the phone, SS overheard DH yelling, and SS got upset, saying he felt bad for MIL. Later on SS called MIL on my phone to talk to her and she told SS she was going to pick him up so he could spend the night with her. Maybe half an hour later she calls back on my phone, DH answers, and MIL informs him that she is in the car coming to pick up SS and take him home with her. DH says, "No you're not." MIL yells and says, "If you don't let me do this you'll regret it for the rest of your life!" Ten minutes later she's walking in our back door.
Sorry if this got long and muddled, but let it be a warning to you. If you're already allowing your MIL to dictate things like what the baby's name will be and what he'll wear home from the hospital, it's only going to get worse. She already had her babies. Now it's your turn. GL!
We live in a house on our own about an hour from his parents house. He works at a huge factory in town and was recently promoted to supervisor. I am on my last semester in college to become an accountant, and work full time at a gas station in town.
We don't act like children, far from it.
I disagree. I'll tell you why:
It sounds like you and your boyfriend are both desperately seeking his mother's approval. So much so that you're letting her make your decisions for you, just to make sure that she's happy with "your" choices.
This is what children do.
Mature adults are secure in themselves and don't need parental approval on everything. Sure, it's nice and most often is preferred........but it's not needed, it's not so actively sought after. If my mom isn't happy with my decisions regarding work, parenting, home decorating, whatever - it doesn't necessarily change what I'm doing. I'm able to say "thank you for your opinion, but I'm happy with how I'm doing things". Neither you or your boyfriend seem capable of doing this.
You seriously changed your unborn child's name just to make your boyfriend's mom happy? You seriously put back the outfit that YOU wanted because she didn't like it? You stand there and let her refer to your unborn baby as "her" baby and say nothing? What are you afraid will happen if she gets mad? That you will be punished? That she won't like you anymore? Those are childish, immature worries.
Grow up, stop sharing so much information and spending so much time with this woman (she lives an hour away? This shouldn't be that hard to do), and learn how to be comfortable with your decisions.
the only thing i am worried about honestly is that i'll say to much of how i really feel and say things that i shouldn't. i don't have either of my parents so if i say something to her and she gets pissed i won't say sorry because i'll mean everything i've said it's happened between her and i before when my FI left for bootcamp. i still haven't said sorry bc i meant everything but when he came home and left the next morning to come see me I think she realized she's not going to get him to leave me.
I guess i just want to know that my child will have at least one set of grandparents.
We don't care if we have her approval for anything. we drive the truck and car we want dress in what we want, have the jobs that we wanted, we have the house that we wanted I'm having my sister and my fiance in the delivery room and not her like she thinks it should be and I WILL raise my child the way that i want. he's not going to act like my FI younger brother and be spoiled his whole life and expect his parent to ask "how high" when he says jump.
My FI mother doesn't like most of the decisions we make but i honestly don't care. I want her to be able to lose some control of everything and just be a grandparent.