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First-time posting... and it's a rant about my MIL... a long rant...
I have to admit, I've always been a quiet observer on this website, reading the posts about mother-in-laws because I could always somehow relate a little bit, but I was never really motivated to post. I have now officially reached my limit. Let me introduce you to my mother-in-law...
She's a nice woman. I like her. Or I would like her if it weren't for all the things I hate about her. She's nosy. She opens cupboards just to see what's in them whenever she stops by. She tries to go into our bedroom whenever she has to pee because it happens to be across the washroom. If there is anything lying around, she will look at it, read it, and comment about it. She drops by all the time without calling, and if we don't answer when the doorbell rings (ie, during dinner, movies, sex), she rings it again. Twice. She tried to pressure us into moving up the wedding a year when I was still studying. She invited out-of-town relatives to our wedding, telling them to buy their plane tickets and book their hotels when we're paying for our own and only want immediate family. She tried to make us feel bad for not inviting everyone. She tries to pressure us to have children soon even though we still want to put it off for a bit because we're buying our first house. She wants us to buy a house two blocks away from her place. We've sinced picked out the house where we're going to move, and she's taken it upon herself to complain about how far it will be. She complains that it's too big, too far, too expensive. "You don't need that much space." "There's this nice bungalow nearby." "You should buy a place that you can resell." We don't want to buy a place just to resell it in two years, we want a home, where we can start a family. We want this home. And we're getting it. We just wish she could be happy for us instead of offering up negative comments whenever she calls, stops by, etc.
I never thought I would ever bother to post anything, but this weekend, we are taking her and my mother to visit the model home (we're buying new), and I have had enough. My fiance and I have been together for over 7 years, and she has always been nosy, but never like this. We are bringing my mother to see the showhome at the same time on purpose so that my mother-in-law might restrain herself from making all these negative comments. I am very lucky, my fiance finds her just as negative as I do and he has tried repeatedly to let her down gently, to explain to her that we are going to move to the suburbs, and that we have made up our minds, but she doesn't get it. I am dreading the car ride there (we're stopping by to pick up my mother afterwards) because I know she will make comments the whole way. I am just about ready to snap at her with "Do you have anything at all positive to say about this?" in my most sarcastic tone, but I am desperately trying to refrain, and so I am here, asking others to help me muster up the strength to keep my mouth shut. Because let me tell you, it's only a matter of time before I snap. And I will love it.
Re: First-time posting... and it's a rant about my MIL... a long rant...
Your FI's gentle hints aren't working. He needs to establish boundaries with her.
If she is only negative regarding housing, the weddings, kids, etc. why do you involve her so much? Why are you taking her along to look at houses if it is painful?
Time for both of you to grow a bit of a spine.
Stop bringing her places. Seriously - if she bugs you, cut down on the time you spend. If she rings the bell, don't answer. Or pop your head out the window and say "sorry, this isn't a good time!" Stop inviting her to your home, or tell her not to use the upstairs bathroom.
I would not bring her to see the model if you think she will complain. And - if she complains that YOUR mom saw the model home and she didn't, THEN I would tell her "I knew how sad it makes you that we are not living close, and I didn't want to make you any more unhappy by shoivng it in your face, so we decided not to bring you."
Ditto with other things she dosen't like 'oh, I don't want to talk about our new home. I know how much it saddens you that we will be moving away!"
I was once like you. Trying not to snap.... well one day I did.
Really you should just not hold back.... she isn't. You should really say "Do you have anything positive to say? If not.... shut it. We know your opinion. This is our home. We love it.... and don't want to here anymore crap on how much you don't like it".
Seriously. Just be frank. You need to put down your foot and set some boundaries. Don't let her plow over you.
Sara, Friend?
glove slap. I don't take crap.
How about a lock for your bedroom door??? Try a Home Depot or any hardware store.
Your FI needs to step up to the plate and tell her where it's at -- and to butt out because her opinions aren't solicited.
If he won't, bad news. He will always be like this.
.
I now remember why I never wanted to post...
Anyways, thanks, this is the sort of response I was looking for. Direct, but helpful. Much appreciated.
Now let me clarify for everyone else. My fiance has tried on several occasions to tell her how she makes us feel, he's been direct with her while still trying to do it gently. Don't assume that you know what this means and that he hasn't tried. That's the problem with the impersonality of the Internet, everyone always assumes, so let me explain.
This woman, though a little on the crazy side, is still basically a good person. I have a very direct personality, I don't put up with other people's crap, and I wouldn't hesitate to crush her with my words if she deserved it. However, she's really not a horrible person. As I mentioned, I do like her, I just think she needs to tone it down. Big time. I respect her, she is, after all, a human being, and wouldn't deserve to be treated that way. Now before everyone gangs up on me and tells me that I should grow a spine, remember that you don't know me, her, or my fiance. I came here looking for advice, not condescending comments. Shutting her out completely is not an option, she doesn't deserve that yet. She can't use any other bathroom because we only have one bathroom. We don't invite her over, she pops by every now and then for 5-10 minutes and then leaves. And we include her in our life because she is important to us. That being said, I'm looking for a human being's perspective to this situation. If all you have to offer are more negative comments, remember that I'm already getting enough of them, you're not being helpful, and you should really get over your bitter and cynical selves.
A little advice goes a long way, but so does a little sympathy.
Huh? You really think people have been unsympathetic and condescending? Really?? I think you got good advice. People can only respond based on your OP. So, yes, we don't 'know' you, just what you posted.
Ah yes, the "we don't know you" card.
Carry on being spineless and miserable and hating internet strangers. Doesn't matter to us one bit.
I think you can say "do you have anything positive to say about it" without snapping or being sarcastic...just say it directly and confidently.
When she's snooping, you have to nip that in the bud..."can I help you" when she says no say "why are you in our bedroom/cabinets" and follow her stammering up with "please, you need to respect our privacy".
Thanks for the helpful comment
You can be forthright and honest without being rude. Being polite and setting boundaries are not mutually exclusive.
Saying, "Mum we have told who we are inviting to our wedding. Trying to pressure us into inviting others will not change our invite list." is not rude. It is a statement of fact.
She whines about where your new house will be, you say, "We wanted to show you the house because we're really excited about it. If it's too upsetting for you and you can't be pleased for us, we're happy to take you home again."
You give her options and make it clear that her negativity will not result in you engaging with her over it.
You came saying your looking for advice and you received excellent advice. It appears to me you have trouble establishing boundaries with your future MIL and so does your future DH. I have seen many posts like yours over the years on the nest and the advice given is basically the same as being given to you for an overly intrusive MIL. She pops over uninvited, then the thing to do is to not open the door. She is actually being rude to you by coming over uninvited, so why is it necessary to let her in?
She is continuously pressuring you about where you should live, when you should have children, your wedding and she continually makes negative comments, but then you say she is a nice woman and you like her. What is there to like?
The more information you share with someone like her, the more fodder she has to use against you. If you had never shared any details that you were looking for a house or found a house, there would never have been anything for her to discuss with you. After you closed on this house, I would have told her about the house.
There is no reason to show her this house, she will have nothing good to say about it, and including your Mother will probably not stop the negativity. She is who she is.
If she brings up something such as wedding plans or something that is none of her business just say "we have that taken care of".
Ditto KateLouise.
Also, no one is saying cut her out of your lives. They said to cut BACK on how much you include her. You KNOW how she is - why on earth would you open yourselves up to her comments by inviting her to see the model? You KNOW what's going to happen.
That being said, a few thoughts.
1- stop 'explaining' things to her. Which is where KateLouise's suggestions are great. They are direct and to the point. Stop explaining why you're buying this house now instead of one near her. All that does is tell her that her opinion matters and has validity.
2- Another thing to say to her when she starts being negative is "Well, MIL, if this is too far, you dont' have to come visit." or "Sorry you don't like the house. Obviously you dont' have to come visit if you dislike it that much.".
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Honestly, I don't think this is a MIL or even DH problem. It's a spineless, whiney heifer problem because you and your H can't seem to participate in a conversation without getting butthurt.
I mean really, you're feelings are hurt because she says the house is a lot of space? Well, is it a lot of space? It probably is so why not say, yeah, but it won't be someday when we have kids. And when she comments about resell, tell her, eh, that's the reason for the amount of space, to make it more marketable to families if we sell someday.
To me, it sounds like your MIL is taking an active interest and discussing with you two the shiit that goes on in your life and the two of you are taking everything as a criticism.
Unclench your asscheeks, ffs and either participate in the conversation or talk about something else. If you want a cheerleading squad to throw a tickertape parade over your every little decision without any sort of commentary, go to the local high school. I mean you probably didn't graduate all that long ago so you probably still have connections.
Click me, click me!
Why in the world are you driving her up to see the model home?
Usually, when people are negative, mean and offer constant put-downs, you don't include them in your plans.
Unless, you are trying to get their approval.
Set boundaries and enforce them just as PP recommended. She will only get worse after the wedding.
It's YOUR wedding, by the way. And YOUR house. Why does it matter what she thinks about it. Make it clear that you are only giving her information by sharing news with her, not asking for opinions or approval.
Also, I don't understand when you say your finace "tries" to tell her how the two of you are feeling. Either he does or he doesn't. Whether she accepts it or not is another issue. If she's anything like my MIL, she will keep testing your boundaries until she's certain they are secure and that may take a while. She is like a very stubborn 3 year old that way.
You are resentful b/c you equate setting boundries with "being mean." The two are not the same thing! Yes, your MIL may pout and cry that you are shutting her out if you refuse to answer the door when you are having sex and she "stops over," but you're not!
You also do NOT need to treat your MIL the exact way you treat your mom. Your mom is excited for you about your new house and it will make you happy to share your plans with her. Your MIL will complain and it will bring you down. So - bring your mom to see the house, leave your MIL at home. Don't discuss your mother/daughter trip with your MIL - it's none of her business. And if she complains that you didn't show her the house - tell her your mom was super excited and wanted to see the house.
The time is past for you to have a discussion with MIL about boundries. Now you need to be firm and consistant "MIL, we really don't like guests in our bedroom." "MIL, we can't entertain you right now. We're busy."
My MIL is a lot like yours. Nonetheless, she has never seen part of our apartment - our bedroom and attached bathroom. It's a personal space for us and she's nosy, so we just shut the door when they come over. When inlaws got a tour of the place it was when we were moving in - so she has seen the empty space, but never set up with our stuff. MIL has lamented to husband and I that she has "never seen the marital bedroom". Nope, never gonna either (especially if you call it the marital bedroom, creeps me out).
When we look at homes to buy, she is not going to be a part of the decision process. My parents may be, my sister and BIL may be, but not inlaws. They are too intrusive and too opinionated (then get mad if we don't take their opinions/advice) - they've already told us we know nothing about buying a house and need their guidance. No, we've never bought a house, but we are educating ourselves (books, seminars, talking to friends/family about the process).
It sounds like you and your husband may want to have a conversation about boundaries with your MIL. This helped my husband and I - we literally have a list of those issues we will not discuss with inlaws. In the car while driving to a visit we go over any "hot topics" that we need to avoid and what other topics we can bring up in a pitch to divert attention. It seems very formal, but we've gotten this down to a rather organic, natural conversation. This keeps us from going insane.
I love our inlaws and they are an important part of our life. But they will not be a part of every aspect of our life. Their past and current behavior tells us there are certain ares in which we will not include the inlaws. Sometimes this makes MIL and FIL upset, but we try to keep the conversations as neutral as possible.
You think she is nosy now? Wait until you have children. If your future DH does not firmly (not gently) set boundaries now, there will never be any. Then the time may come where you really do snap and when that happens, depending on how mean you are, your DH may feel bad for her and take her side, which is of course something any MIL would love.
You complain she drops by without calling and then when a pp says something regarding that, you get defensive and say she only stays a few min. Huh? Does it matter how long she stays? I thought the problem is she stops by unannounced. If thats a problem to you, DH needs to put a stop to it.
The best advice I can give is dont discuss any future plans with her and definitely dont include her in the process. Our parents didnt see our first home until about a week after we moved in. They didnt know what towns we were looking in, when we were placing bids, when our closing was or even what kinda homes we were looking at. IL's didnt even know our wedding date until everything was booked cause we knew their input would not be positive. We dont include either of our parents in our plans, it our life not theirs.
This is exactly what I was thinking. Why are you bringing her into this? Are you two trying to win her over? You know all she is going to do is complain; you sound like a glutton for punishment.
OK, I can completely relate to OP. My Mom and my MIL are both opinionated, pushy people. Generally nice and cheerful, but def want their opinions heard.
That being said, my DH and I are planning on buying a house next year. We will probably tell both families that we are looking, but not show them any houses until we've actually closed. We don't need the onslaught of opinions. This decision is ours alone. We also aren't going to advertise when we are TTC. Everyone will find out about any babies after the first ultrasound.
Basically, I don't understand why you would bring anyone to see a house that you are planning on buying. This decision is up to you and your husband. The only opinions that matter (good or bad) are yours. I think bringing family, no matter how well you get along with them, into a big decision like this is like having too many cooks in the kitchen.
well she's not your MIL if you're not married yet....just saying.
so you both know how she is. stop inviting, stop answering door, stop trying to 'drop hints'-it's clearly not working.
I don't have any sympathy for you. You're marrying a guy who won't tell his mom in a firmer manner to accept boundaries. You allow her to intrude on you and comment on everything in your life as if you were children. Neither one of you will tell her she is ruining her relationship with you.
You willing invite her places and then let her in when she comes to your door uninvited. It doesn't matter one bit that you have been with this guy 7 years or 7 minutes, he isn't going to tell his mom to stop it.
If you think is going to get better with a ring on your finger or a new house then just wait until you decide to have children. You'll wish you didn't come here for a pat on the head and a poor pity party.
How about just talking to her, straight out, openly and honestly, like you're doing on here? I think what you're wanting (and in sum, it seems to be "some space and some respect") is very reasonable and if you do like her, it should make it a lot easier. Don't tell her what she's doing wrong, though. Tell her how you're feeling. And if you do want to refer to something she's doing, make it a general statement, kind of like, "I feel invaded and unpleasant when my room is criticized and mocked and I want to feel respected and trusted," or "I feel hurt and resentful when I feel that the people around me don't say anything positive about my decisions and I want to feel appreciated and valued." NEVER use the word "you" because that's blame-y and will put her on the defensive.
Good luck! And congrats on the new house!!
Time for DH/FI to set the boundaries, and be firm. Period.
Don't take her anywhere.
Your post is useless, catty, and disingenuous. The OP was fairly clear about her problem, and I did not get the sense that she was whining or overly butthurt. I can guarantee that if my MIL had such a lack of boundaries and common sense, I'd be looking for advice on how to be DIPLOMATIC rather than bitchy when dealing with her.
It looks like this type of advice isn't your strong suit. Why don't you stick to belittling abused women for staying with their husbands, or interjecting random bitchiness into other threads? That seems right up your alley.