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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: MIL still buying my DH's clothes :( WWYD??!
He does do things just to please his mother. He's slowly coming around though, beginning to understand that just because he says "no" once in a while, does not mean he doesn't love her anymore. Up till now he's just said yes and tried to please her 100% of the time even if it was something that got in the way of our plans or decisions, etc. He is a people pleaser. Funny enough though, it doesn't really stress him out most of the time. Most people pleasers are really anxious, but he is just a genuine nice guy.
I know there are deeper issues here w/ your MIL, but I'm going to pull the "now that I'm a mom" card....
DS is only 2, but I can never imagine a day in my life where I won't think about him, want to know he's doing ok, and want to do whatever I can to help him out. I will do my best to raise a self-sufficient man and I don't want to be overbearing in his life.
But - I get why mothers want to still make food for their child, or buy them clothes, or want go to the hospital if they are sick.
He will always be her "child". DS can be married, 50 years old, and have 10 kids and maybe even be a grandparent. But he will always be MY "child".
That's why on the surface, I don't see the big deal. Anytime I see posts by wives complaining because their MIL wants to in some way "take care" of her child (their DH), I roll my eyes. Why it needs to become this territorial thing when all it really is a mother caring for her son is beyond me.
(Again, I know there are deeper issues, here, but I think you get what I'm saying...)
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Yeah, he says he doesn't mind cause it means he doesn't have to pay for his clothes and he's cheap like that. So you don't think it's odd to receive outfits from parents to wear for special occaisons? Okay, guess I'm the only one then. I can't say my parents would do something like that for me and I would never expect them to. Can't say I've ever noticed my friends parents buying them clothes on non-gift giving occasions either, but I appreciate your input and will consider it.
lol what?
She buys him clothes, and he likes them?
and you're upset because? How is it insulting to you? I'd find it more insulting if your MIL expected you to pick out your H's clothes, since it's obviously not your job.
It's weird that he's still okay that she still dresses him but sounds more like that's his issue, why are you blaming her for the fact that you married a major ***? She just sounds like she's doing something that she knows he likes.
Like I said, I think it's odd in your husband's case because his mommy is buying him outfits because he is not a functioning adult.
However, if my MIL decided to buy my DH a new suit for something, it would not upset me because my husband is an adult and doesn't depend on his mother to fulfill his basic needs.
I think Kuus is completely right that the reason this bothers you so much is because it forces you to face the fact that you married a child.
You're making this about the clothes, about THAT OUTFIT, but the issue here, that we all see, is that your DH is a mama's boy who won't say "no" to her.
Is it odd to buy him an outfit for a special occasion? A little odd, but not the end of the world. What is odd, though, is her INSISTANCE that he wear it and then (as we all know is the case), the fact that he will wear it regardless if he actually likes it or not. Because his mommy wants him to wear it.
THAT is the issue here.
And for the record, my parents buy DS clothes all.the.time. I love it. Saves me money and the time I would need to go shopping. I'm not going to complain. But I have a good, healthy relationshp w/ my parents and there are no hidden agendas to them doing this. They do it because they love to do it, and I appreciate that.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
But it doesn't bother HIM and that's the problem. A grown man being given clothes and told what to wear to a family event is very degrading. But he doesn't mind - why? By making it an issue that bothers YOU and therefore he should back you up - completley misses the point. He can just say "Awe shucks, you know I don't care about these things and I don't wanna upset my mom." You're feeling the degrading tone in your MIL's "gift" but he doesn't. You're avoiding the real issue that he doesn't WANT to act as an independent adult.
And his mother's position that you are "failing" in your duty as a wife just reinforces that she is justified to swoop in and treat him as a little boy who needs a mommy to dress him. By fighting wiht her on who gets to dress him, you actually strenghten HER POINT that its reasonable that someone else does. That she has a right to judge him and dress him.
Yeah I get what you're saying. I also have a son, but I can't imagine myself doing something like this for him when he's 30. Going to the hospital when he's sick is completely different then dressing him when he's capable of doing it himself. When I was pregnant someone gave me some great advice, she said "Raise your son to want a wife, not to NEED a wife. Always do everything in such a way that he will be able to do everything on his own - cooking, cleaning, taking care of himself, etc.". I thought that was great advice.
I think the major issue I have about all this is that she does continue to treat him as if he's a child, without respecting the adult part of him. I'm all for mom's being mom's. But she treats him like he's 12, and she treats me like that too. That's the real problem. There is no respect for our boundaries and our decision making as adults. She see's herself as being superior, so "her way goes", her way trumps our way, etc. and at one point that included her behavior towards our children as well... that's a whole other story.
LOL - okay this cracked me up. She totally dressed him in sailor suits when he was a kid... with a matching out fit for his sister.
Thank you! That's all I need to know.
So true! Thank you so much for this insight. I hadn't thought about it that way. You are right, she does expect me to dress him and take care of him and by making this into a big deal I'm just reinforcing these expectations on myself. Interesting. I'm going to chat with my husband about this and mention this aspect to him, I'm sure he'll be open minded about it and a lot more reluctant to accept these kind of "gifts" in the future.
The only real problem is that. If something bothers you its up to you to discuss with him and then up to him to stand up to MIL. I'm guessing hes not too willing to do that. Looks like you'll be dealing with MIL right in the middle of your relationship forever unless he makes some major changes. The clothes thing may be a little petty but if it bothers you that much DH should be willing to step in and please you over his dearest mommy. If he's not, that is the issue I would have.
The thing w/ boundaries - it's not actually on her to respect them. It's on you all to enforce them. If you feel a boundary needs to be "don't buy DH clothes", you can't expect her to stop. You have to expect your DH to say "Thanks mom, but I don't need this.".
But, again, your DH is the one here who doesn't see a problem and doesn't want to set that boundary. So.... it's a moot point.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Definitely. You've given me some ideas with how I can discuss this with my husband. He's always thought that MIL was the issue, but if he see's that a big part of my aversion to her is actually the fact that he can't stand up to her... then that would definitely motivate him to stick his ground more often. He's gotten better, but his "default" is still stuck to "must please mother 100% of the time." Doesn't help that she's the most insecure and sensitive person on the planet. If I don't sign my emails with "love, so and so" she thinks I hate her. I could go on and on. I had a very good relationship with her in the beginning, but she's the self-destructive type. She can't maintain a relationship with anyone long term. Not friends, not family. My husband and her are not even close, it's more of a biological need to please her I think. My counselor said children normally always feel some kind of loyalty to their parents, even when it's dysfunctional.
Yup, he has definitely taught her that she is superior. Very true. I don't think my husband see's it like that, and it would bother him a lot if he did. I'm going to discuss this with him and see what he thinks about this perspective - maybe it will help.
He is a people pleaser, his mom isn't the only one that get's her way. He gets walked over by so-called friends, family and clients quite frequently. It continually surprises me how he manages to run a successful company considering he's bending over backwards for everyone all the time. I tell him all the time he's got to be more assertive. It's gotten him in some sticky situations and we've lost a ton of money because of his "niceness". Now he wants to be a police officer... oy vey...
I agree with you 100%. I doubt that will ever happen though. I think the people that need counseling the most are usually the least likely to actually seek it out.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I could have written this post 3+ years ago! I was so focused on my future MIL that I failed to see my ex-FI was the problem.
My future MIL did things such as buy ex-FI weekly groceries, bought him ALL this clothes, shoes, toilet paper, deoderant, etc. and it would drive me insane. I would get so frustrated at her and she would try to do the same things to me. I was a functioning adult who did not want to be taken care of, but I couldn't see that my ex-FI did. He didn't have to pay for ANY of these things and he could please his mother as well. In a sense, he did not have to truly grow up and take care of himself.
While I see nothing wrong with someone buying their child clothes or any of the above items on an irregular basis, I definitely see a problem when it is stunting the growth of their child. My ex-FI never told his mother no. Even when I was in the process of breaking up with him, he said to me once - "SO I can rely on YOU instead of my mother to do these things?" and I said, hell no and that's the exact statement that made me leave him. I did not want to be someone's mother because I wanted a life partner.
I suggest you take a hard look at your husband and your relationship. He is not going to change, MIL is not going to change and you only have control over yourself and your actions. I'd ask yourself why you were attracted to such a man in the first place and what you really want in a relationship. If you want a grown man who can take care of himself, than most likely you'll have to find it somewhere else other than your current relationship.
Yep.
Why is it acceptable to you that he won't do the work necessary to be a good partner to you? Tell him to go to counseling. See how interested he is in being a people pleaser then.
He is. I think I haven't made it clear enough to him that the way he interacts with his mom is not just an annoying pet peeve, but that it sometimes actually hurts cause it feels like he's putting her before me and that's not okay. I know he loves me and wants to please me, but guys also think differently then girls. I don't think he realizes how big of a deal it is to me sometimes. I'll talk about this with him. Thanks for your advice.
I did. He did go. He spent the entire session talking to my counselor about why I was in counseling instead of his own problems. He had a lot of really rough things happen to him as a kid, and I think it hurts too much for him to be open about it so he'd rather focus the attention elsewhere. You're right though, he does need therapy. I can't force him to go though.
The thing is, you can't just say, "DH, the way you interact with your mom bothers me for X reasons." because honestly - do you think this is going to change him and his behavior after living like this for his entire life?
I have no idea what the bolded part means above. Sure, men think differently than women, but they can respect each other all the same.