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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: MIL still buying my DH's clothes :( WWYD??!
I don't treat my husband like his mother does, and even though he doesn't like it sometimes, he does respect it. A lot. He has grown up a lot since we've been married. We got married young, that probably had a lot to do with it too.
I agree that you can't expect people to change, and that the only person you have control over is yourself. At the same time, no one is perfect and each of us has to decide for themselves what we're okay with and what we're not okay with. My husband is a loving man and an amazing father to our children. He does run a succesful business, and even though he doesn't do things like I would have him do, the fact remains he's still at the top in his field for a reason. He is one of the kindest and most genuine people I've ever met. He is brave, and wears his heart on his sleeve. When it comes to his mother, he has still has a way to go, but to suggest I leave him over this issue is going a little overboard. Thanks for your input, but I'm a little more dedicated to our marriage then to take a hike over the way he let's his mother get away with her wishes at times.
This was me venting about an annoyance. I'm over it. Thanks for your advice ladies, you've given me food for thought. I am going to discuss this further with my husband.
Cheers!
I don't think so. I've never had this problem with my husband, and my MIL wouldn't know a boundary if it smacked her in the face.
And if you haven't made it clear to him, MAKE it clear. Tell him exactly what you wrote in that sentence, and ask him what he is going to do to make your marriage better.
Have you convinced yourself yet that your husband is all you WISH him to be?
Because I don't think you have convinced anyone here of that.
It is funny how you blame everyone else for your husband's own choices and actions, and backtrack once people tell you that your husband is accountable for his own choices and actions. You are in major denial.
All the "dedication" in the world on your part is worth naught if your husband is not equally committed to addressing his his issues so that you can have a healthier marriage.
I am not sure what you mean by "men think differently than girls". Sure, my husband and I are independent people with our OWN individual thoughts and feelings and opinions. But we manage to think the SAME about respecting one another even when we have differing feelings and opinions , about communicating together, about being patient in listening to each other, about setting boundaries for our relationship, and working together to continue to have a healthy relationship. We find joy in working to "please each other".....and we certainly do not put external people to our relationship "first" above each other and our relationship as a whole.
I can quite honestly say I have never had the problems like you describe with my husband. And he is certainly a man, and I am certainly a woman.
Here are two glaring sets of contradictions that you have posted:
He's a people pleaser and people walk all over him, but he's brave and wears his heart on his sleeve.
He's gotten into sticky situations and you've lost a ton of money, but he runs a successfull business and is one of the kindest, most genuine people you've ever met.
I get that you're married for "better or worse", I get that you love him, I get that you WANT to see the best in him. And I'm sure there are many positive things about him. But as long as you keep denying what the real issues are, you're never going to come to a place of peace on this. HE is the majority of the problem here.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
And you expected this to change why?
I love my son to pieces, and I'm a little sad that he now insists on dressing himself and no longer "needs" me. But aside from insisting that his underwear and shirts go on the proper way, I let him dress himself, even when he clashes. I am both sad at his independence but proud that he is becoming a big boy. I cannot imagine 25 years from now dressing him (although I would buy him some dress shirts every once in a while - I hope that doesn't p*ss his wife off!)!
I think you need to think of what really bothers you in the relationship. If your H were normal and had boundries, the clothing wouldn't be a big deal. Focus on MILs intrusiveness in your life, not on the outfits. What he wears doesn't impact you at all - even if everyone knows that mommy picked out his clothes.
Does your H WANT to be able to dress himself? To have his own sense of style? Your MIL is stunting his personal growth (imo) by not allowing him to have his own clothing personality.
I'm cracking up that so many people are giving you a hard time for being annoyed by this. Dude, I TOTALLY get it. Your MIL sounds like an overbearing, controlling, insecure freak who never cut the umbilical cord. She clearly has no respect for your boundaries and the boundaries of your marriage. Dressing her grown son is not normal. She might claim she's doing it because he has no sense of style, but she's really doing it because she needs to maintain some control over him in any way she can. She might also claim that she's doing it to be nice, but she knows it bothers you; she's out of line.
It does sound like your husband might need to see a therapist on his own to deal with his Mommy issues, but I know first-hand how nearly impossible it can be to convince a guy to go. They're just wired differently than women. FWIW, I don't think this means you married the wrong guy. I think it just means you married a guy who doesn't dress well (welcome to the party) and whose Mom never taught him to be entirely self-sufficient because it means giving up her perceived hold on him. Congratulations on inheriting a nightmare MIL! It's an honor that I share with you, and I can't even begin to express the joy of being a member of such a non-exclusive club.
DH and I always say if we hit it big, one of the things we are going to get is a personal shopper. Seeing that your husband's personal shopper also happens to pay for the clothes - I'm thinking you hit the jackpot!
Okay, I don't see anything wrong with you as a wife buying your husband's wardrobe. I know plenty of wives who do this and husbands who are happy to hand this over to their wives. I am pretty sure my mom and stepmom buy everything my dad and stepdad wear.
I think, reading between the lines here, that your real issue is MIL boundaries. It sounds like a long-term pattern of your MIL trying to keep the apron strings attached and your DH is either clueless are actively complying.
It's important that your husband be the one to deal with the apron string cutting. The more you personally go head to head with your MIL, I think the worse it will get. You need to have some serious talks with your Dh letting him know your feelings so you can work this issue out between the two of you and present a united front so that you are independent as a couple (and if that means buying your hubby's close because he wants that, great!).
EDITED (for grammatical errors!)
I couldn't help but crack up too lol. Seriously has no one here ever seen a nightmare MIL? They find all sorts of little ways to get under your skin and assert their authority over you. Dressing her grown son? Uh yeah, I'd be annoyed if I were the daughter in law!
If my MIL wanted to save us money and buy all of H's clothes, I would be in heaven.
I cannot imagine caring about this. Honestly, if my husband were completely unable to dress himself, I would prefer his mother do it. I'm not going to baby a grown man by doing it for him.
My MIL recently bought my DH three very nice suits and then called us to tell us he needed to try them on the in next two days (there was a sale and she wanted to make sure we could exchange them if they did not fit). The tone of the whole interchange was pushy.
DH and I decided the thought was nice, but the execution left something to be desired. MIL has the habit of assuaging her own feelings with "doing something nice" for her children - but the nice action is usually a huge boundary overstep or a major inconvenience/irritation for the recipient.
With my MIL we look at the whole picture - action, execution, and motive. How we respond is based on the combination of each aspect. With your specific incident, the purchasing of the outfit does not seem like a huge deal (IMHO). The piece that smacks me between the eyes is your MIL insisting he wear the outfit that evening to the wedding event. To me, Gift + Strings = No Acceptance.
My advice - you and DH first need to get on the same page. He may (or may not) understand why you find the behaviors an overstep. Both of you will need to compromise on what behaviors you will or will not accept from your MIL. And then DH and you need to enact a plan as it applies to your MIL's behavior. For my DH and I (if we were in your situation) the outfit would not have been accepted.
About 6-months into our marriage I had to tell my DH that if his mother's behavior remained unchecked it would have catastrophic impacts on our marriage. I told him that I was willing to compromise, but I was not willing to roll over. Boundary setting with my inlaws is a constant effort, but we believe it will get easier (either my inlaws will get the message ar DH and I will be good at our system).
My Mum buys me clothes. Hell if we go shopping together I have to battle her at the till to be allowed to play. My mother is almost pathologically generous. She is not overbearing in a , "you must wear this clothes." She just likes to help out.
Now as a fully functioning adult, I seldom allow my Mum to buy my clothes. But if she buys an item as a gift I say thank you and move on.
I agree with this, really who cares!
But sounds like there are bigger issues with your hubby but you are blaming mil. Maybe MIL recognizes that her son can't really take care of himself, so she wants to help him? Trying to help him, which maybe does come across as overbearing? But really she recognizes that her son/your hubby has some issues? But also, maybe this is part of his personality, he is very easy going? Most of the time this probably shouldn't be a problem but sometimes it sounds like it would be for big thigs...i would be more upset that this trait lost him/your family some money that he should not have!
You probably should be seeking advice about that instead, lol.
There seems to be so much more to this, so I don't really have advice on this particular issue, bc it seems so petty to me and not something I would get upset about. So I will just wish you luck instead!
Geez, i know this is just one example maybe your mil is really bad, but seriously? Your dh couldn't just try on the suits in 2 days? Did he just return them to her and reject her gift? You didn't say what the outcome was. And you have to analyze everything she says in this process and then decide if you will accept her overtures? This just sounds crazy.
Unfortunately, yes my MIL can be quite difficult to work with. The whole affair started with an alarming text about needing to see them in the next two days. We thought something was majorly wrong - MIL/FIL was in the hospital, house fire, emergency, etc. Turns out it was just suits. My DH and I live about 30(ish) minutes away from my inlaws and she called in the middle of a work week. DH is self-employed and we both get home from work around 7 PM. So to go up to inlaws house after work to (a) pick-up suits, (b) try them on, (c) get out of inlaws house quickly, and (d) then deal with suits is a major hassle on a worknight. DH suggested getting suits from FIL at work (they work closer to each other), but she absolutely refused. Had to pick them up at her house (we think she wanted to see him try them on). If you parents or inlaws called in the middle of the week and demanded you come over (for no emergency) would you inconvenience yourself to do so?
You may think our method sounds crazy, but it works for us. I edited my post because I did not want to highjack the OP's post - my response was about my advice to the OP, not my particular problem. There are details and details that go with MIL's behavior, but I try to pick out the pertinent ones so as not to ramble.
One main problem with my MIL is that a lot of her behaviors are enshrouded in "good intentions". And they are pretty frequent. DH mentions in passing we are going to go buy him a new suit when the sales hit - MIL goes out and spends over $1500 on suits then demands he come over to try them on and keep them. In addition, we have to be careful about being consistent - MIL will bring up past events, "well you accepted x, so why won't you accept y". Even if x was a bag of apples and y is a full set of new tires. DH and I do not spend major time or brain power on the analysis, but yes we do have to be deliberate about our actions with inlaws.
The result of the suit event - we picked them up over the weekend (called the store and determined when the sale ended), tried them on at the store without MIL, returned them all (did not fit and were not a professional style), found another suit that was a better fit for DH, purchased that with credit and accepted it as a birthday gift, then returned additional credit to MIL.
He won't dress himself, won't cook or do laundry? To the point where you've had to go 'on strike'? Hells bells.
This man expects his wife to do for him like his mama did; and since you won't, he's happy to let his mama do it for him; and she's happy to do it. You won't help with clothes? Well, my mama will!
Guess he's shown you.
Whoa. So you knew about his relationship with his mom and you didn't run for the hills? It seems like you walked into this with your eyes open and are now bearing the brunt of your decision. It does seem a bit weird that you both feel the need to choose his clothing. You and your MIL might be more alike than you want to admit. Sorry.
She wants to buy them; he wants to wear them. OH WELL.
I'm sure there are other areas in which she is overly invasive, which makes this a hot button issue, and that I can understand. In and of itself, I think you have to let it go.