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Update (long)
Well, it's been a week since I posted anything and thought I would let you all know that I'm still alive, and fill you in on what's happened so far.
I waffled. I'll admit it. I did. HOWEVER, I did not waffle on everything. I have to at least give myself credit for that. I did go back home, but before I did H had to call and make an appointment not only with an anger management counselor, but a marriage counselor that was recommended to us as well (both of which were his ideas). I decided that if he was serious about saving what we had, he had to make the effort. I was NOT going to do it for him.
I am still struggling with the "who am I?" complex, and suspect I will be for a long time. My counselor is helping me with that, and I'm really trying to be happier with myself.
When I came home, H and replaced ALL of the doors in the house so I wouldn't have to look at the holes anymore and patched and re-painted the holes in the walls too. The realistic part of me says, "yes this is nice, but be aware that he may have done this solely to cover his own a** in case of a custody battle." The realistic part of my brain is glad that I took pictures and saved them on a friend's computer.
But there is also the emotional part of me that I have to acknowledge... The part of me that breathed a HUGE sigh of relief to see that H was actually happy to see me, that I was missed, and part of me was really glad to see that apparently my presence DOES matter to him. The doors and walls restored to their original state was an incredible stress reliever for me too. It's amazing to not have to look at them every day and be reminded of that ugly part of our lives. That part is still there, and although I may at one point be able to forgive him, I don't want to forget. Forgetting that we have been going through this would open the door for it to happen again, and I am not interested in that.
I made it VERY clear to H before I stepped foot in the house that if I ever find myself in this situation again and I leave, I will not be coming back. (the neighbors probably thought I was crazy standing on the front step with a suitcase, in the rain instead of immediately going inside where it was warm and dry). He gets one chance and while I know it will not be all "flowers and butterflies" I really want believe that with the progress he's made in this short time he is re-committed. I hope he is... But at least now I know that I DO have the courage to stand on my own two feet and stand up for myself. I didn't honestly believe that I could do that before.
I know this is the "Honeymoon Stage" and of course things will be better for a while, and I know they will cool off again too. To be honest, I'm a little uncomfortable with the honeymoon stage. I'm not a clingy person, and he's not usually either, but he's over-compensating... I don't know how to deal with that, but I'm trying my best to relax and let it happen and enjoy it while it lasts. At the same time, I worry about letting my guard down too much and waking up one day in the same situation, wondering how in the he** I got there...
I know I'm rambling, and if you made it this far, thanks! I feel like I am a walking contradiction these days... "love me", "I need space", "help me", "I can do it myself", the contradictory feelings keep coming. There has to be some middle ground where we can both be happy, right? Even if it means we have to be happy without each other.
Re: Update (long)
Just the links to the backstory for those who are interested (in reverse chronological order):
http://community.thenest.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/49015182.aspx
http://community.thenest.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/48962971.aspx
http://community.thenest.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/48802585.aspx
http://community.thenest.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/48682156.aspx
Edited to remove the formatting. WTH, nest.
The Princess of Anything is Coming!
Had a dream I was queen.
Woke up. Still queen.
That's a very odd way to end a very long post about reconciliation.
I also think it reveals what's really in your heart.
And it makes me so sad to think that after all you've been through the only thing he had to do was promise to make a couple of appointments and to replace the damaged doors. He didn't even have to go to the appointment or demonstrate any level of change or demonstrate the change over time. Just make an appointment, just repair the walls.
So, what's going to happen when he doesn't do any work in therapy and starts to skip appointments?
I have to agree with pp.
Without trying to sound critical - how many chances are you going to give him? Because it sounds to me like you've given him opportunity to change in the past and he's patched it, just like he did the doors and walls, and it ultimately doesn't change a thing. Yes, I'm a perfect stranger who has never met you and likely never will - but this doesn't sound like a match made in heaven.
I don't know your original story but it is obviously something happened that brought on some serious violence.
Good news for him getting on the phone and getting anger management help and counseling. Hold him to keeping these appointments, not only for you but for himself. He has no self-control when it comes to anger, I assume.
I was married to a guy like this. He did go to counseling and the hitting stopped but the verbal abuse lasted to the end. Our doors were never replaced or patched so it was a constant reminder of the fear that he could bring on in me. He even does it to me now, years after we have been divorced. He just knows what buttons to push.
It is good that you know that you can stand on your own two feet. With the verbal abuse, I never thought that I could and I did wake up one day, over and over again, wondering how the he** I got there.
There is no doubt that he loves you. His anger issues have nothing to do with that. Stick to your guns and hold him accountable for his anger. You are not responsible for his reaction to anything that you say. He is responsible for his own reactions and actions.
I just read all of your other posts. This appears to be an on-going issue, not just with what happened with the doors, but he is clearly controlling. This is my ex exactly. He controlled what I wore, how much make-up I was "allowed" to wear, who my friends were, what I could spend, and so on. The only time that he allowed me to shop was when he did something wrong like cheat or hit me. He would hand me his credit card and tell me to go shopping. (and buy some nice matronly clothing)
I have to mirror the question of another poster by saying how many times are you going to let it go and take him back?
I did exactly what you are doing, forgiving over and over again. Will you leaving straighten him up? I hope so. I am scared for you, and I know that you are just hoping for him to change. The answer to the question of why do abused women keep going back to their husbands or boyfriend's? It is because, even though we are not even aware of it, we are looking for their acceptance and love.
Stay strong. You CAN do it by yourself.
No, these couple of things aren't the only things he had to do to get me back home. There was a lot of conversation before I made that decision. The doors and walls was something he did to surprise me for when I got home. I didn't ask him to do it. Almost every one of the changes he has made, he decided to do on his own without prodding from me. As a matter of fact, one of the reasons I did decide to go home is because I didn't have to ask him to do much, he volunteered. however, I am committed to making sure that he follows through. As I said before, he's really good at saying the right things, now he has to actually DO the right things, and I think he knows that.
I am conflicted, I won't deny that. I'm expecting plenty of "why would you go back to that" kind of comments, and I have to admit that I have had that thought myself. But I didn't go back to that... The treatment I had been getting before is completely different from what I have been getting since I came home, since before I came home in fact. I'm torn between wanting to happily accept the changes and improvements in H without question, and feeling like I shouldn't trust him because it's going to set myself up for disappointment... I'm hopeful, but concerned too...
You've made your choice and there's obviously nothing that anybody can do to change it but...
I would strongly advise you to contact the DV shelter / hotline and speak to a lawyer. Have him/her outline your rights so that in the event of another problem, your H can be the one to leave, not you. Also, you need to protect yourself and your son. They will tell you what financial files to copy and what documents you need in case you want to leave.
I would also say that your H is not the only person in this relationship who needs counseling. YOU desperately need individual counseling. You have deserved better than what your H has been giving you in a relationship for YEARS. You can't just leave for a week and think that YOU are cured. The first time your H was abusive to you, you were a victim. By now, you are a participant.
Good luck and I hope you both get the help you need.
And yes, there is an exit plan still in place should I need it.
This is the first time I have ever really slapped him in the face with reality. Before I was always too scared to even bring it up... I didn't want to threaten to leave unless I was really sure that I was ready to follow through with the threat. I never felt ready. To be honest the day I left I didn't feel ready, but I knew something needed to change. He's had a BIG wake up call, and I sincerely hope that he chooses to follow through with all of his promises. But I am more prepared now than I ever was before if he doesn't.
Dear tigersi,
I grew up the way your son has been growing up, I lived in that home until I was in high school. Loved both of my parents, but was very glad when they divorced. Our home (with my mom) finally was peaceful (I don't mean quiet, but actually peaceful). My mom kept going back based on promises. Like you said, this is the honeymoon phase. Don't fall for it my dear! The walls in your home have just become the preverbial abused woman who covers up her bruises with makeup. Please be very very careful. The fall out of growing up in a home like this will effect your son, he will have to go on his own journey towards healing. Please think of both yourself and your dear son. No one has to live in a household filled with fear and intimidation.
@ Sue Bear
I agree, and I am currently back in counseling. And I did contact the DV shelter. They had a legal aid session on Tuesday that I went to and got lots of good information.
This is not going to be an easy road for either of us, whether it works or not. I may be postponing the inevitable, and I am aware of that. I want so badly for everything to work in my marriage, but I no longer believe that I can be the one to fix it. At this time, H seems committed to fixing it too, and I think I'd like to see how that works for us. If it doesn't work, at least we won't have to look at DS and tell him we didn't try.
I wanted to add that I do agree with all of you who believe that I went home too soon. I do not question the decision to go home, perse, but more the timing. I think I rushed home because I was so eager to feel "loved". That being said, I cannot un do that. I can only be aware of it and move forward cautiously.
I also wanted to say that I do value all of the comments, opinions, and advice that I have received here. I have read and reflected on them all several times. You are all so wonderful to share this bit of yourselves with me and everyone else who comes here. I may not completely agree with you all of the time (although I do on most occasions), but I do appreciate the differing perspectives.
A lot of Conversation, but little to no action.
That's nice that he made therapy appointments and made some other changes without prompting from you, but you should not have had to leave your home and threaten to end the marriage for him to give a damn about how you feel. He's now doing all of these things not because he loves you and wants to stop hurting you, but because he loses out if you leave. While all of this might give you the impression that he has become a considerate, caring, loving partner, it's all really quite selfish. That's why the honeymoon phase doesn't last.
I think a much better course of action (well, other than divorcing him) would have been for you to continue living on your own for awhile while he went to therapy and actually demonstrated that he is willing to put in the necessary work of becoming a decent human being. I don't think it was wise to move home on the promise that he'll change.
I don't get it. Over the course of your life, you've figured out how not to be an a$$hole, as have most people. Why should he keep getting a pass on behaving with common decency?
Ughhhh I am so so sad to read this update. I hate that you are putting yourself and your son through this.
Your first night alone was just 9 days ago. Completely putting aside the specifics of your situation, do you really think that 9 days is long enough for anyone to change? Why not live apart until you've been through some counseling together and see some actual change on his part?
I am really afraid for you. You seem to be looking at this from the standpoint that either things will work out or you will split amicably, there is a 3rd very real option that you are ignoring. He knows you will leave now and that makes him more dangerous. I know you don't want to believe this but he could very well become more violent. My ex held me against my will for 13 hours before I was finally able to escape and call the cops.
Are you prepared for something like that? Are you prepared for him to hurt you in front of your child? I can't guarantee you that he will do those things, but you can't guarantee yourself that he won't.
You have read enough on abuse at this point to know that you are in the honeymoon stage, so why do you think the rest of the stages won't come around again?
I'm not trying to be cruel or frighten you, but I want you to go back in to this with your eyes wide open and it does not sound like they are. Please do everything you can to keep yourself & your child safe.
Ditto this.
yes, as I said before, I do believe I came home too soon. I agree that I should have waited until he demonstrated more of an effort, but the fact of the matter is, I didn't. I can sit here and say "I should have done_______" all day long. But I can't go back and change it now. Now I have to move forward and see where this path leads us.
I have questions I don't know how to answer and while you guys are very unified in your opinions on this, I have others in my life who are not... Since opening up to my family and friends, I have received all kinds of advice! Stay, Go, Pray, Talk, Get a Restraining Order, Hide, Read this Book, Watch This Movie... So many contradictions, including the ones in my own head... How do you know how to listen to? When everyone thinks differently, and everyone believes they are correct, how do you know who to listen to? How do you know you are doing the right thing? What if he makes all these changes, and I "find myself" again, but we don't like each other anymore? What if neither of us changes and I find myself back in the same place again? What if I change and he doesn't, what if, what if, what if??? No matter what decisions I make, I have to accept that they may not be the right decisions, but that's ok. I have to accept that they are not going to make everyone happy and that's ok.
My decision to go home so soon was incorrect. I know that now, looking back. However, there are those people in my life who applauded that decision, just as many of you are telling me now that it was wrong. It's easy to look back and see the right path. Not so easy to see it through the fog and even harder still to go back and take the path you passed on before.
Also, as you seem to know, what he is doing now is normal abuser behavior. He saw he was losing control, and is doing what he needs to do to regain control over you. He may be nice for a week, a month, even a few months. But without a doubt, he will return to his old ways (if not worse). Please be careful - as another poster said, the situation could be even more dangerous for you now.
Sure you can change your mind. You can absolutely say "I thought about it further and I decided its best for us to live separately until I am able to see sustained change."
But if I say this and leave again, I run the risk of putting myself and my son in a more dangerous position, don't I? Wouldn't leaving now when he's been trying be a slap in the face to him and tell him that it doesn't matter if he's nice?
Us leaving was so hard on DS too... He didn't sleep well, he didn't eat well, he was visibly stressed... He's back to his normal happy self now, sleeping incredibly well, and eating us out of house and home... I worry about that too...
And, yes, I worry about when/if H is going to loose his temper again. I worry that I have put us in more danger. I'm angry that I took the advice of people in my life who encouraged me to go back even though I didn't feel like I was ready, and now that I am in this position I don't really know what to do. Every option I see has an incredible potential for injury for everyone involved...
I realize it probably took a lot of courage to finally leave but you pretty much threw that all away and showed him you will go back without any proof of change which only gives him more power. The only reality hes seen is he doesnt have to prove anything just have conversation making promises without having to follow through with them. I've never been in an abusive relationship so I certainly have no room to give advice but I hope for your sake you make him follow through. Abuse can get out of hand very quickly, look how many women go missing. Your exit strategy wont be any good if you cant actually make the exit.
So, he really didn't change. And neither did you. He's still the same guy who could blow-up and hurt you and you are the same wife who's tip toeing around him, always trying not to set him off.
Of course he didn't change. It's been 9 days. He said what he had to to get you back in the house. You wanted to feel loved, you wanted to believe it could all be talked away and washed anew.
Really though, if you keep saying it was a mistake to move back so soon, if you keep saying it over and over, and you keep believing it - then why don't you do it? There is this whole theme in your posts about regret and resignation to bad decisions and then nothing to change the course you set for yourself. Just a ho-hum I "admit" I did wrong, but its "too late" to change anything. And I'll just hope realy hard "this time will be different". And if you don't move out for fear of upsetting him, for fear of his reaction, for fear of jeopardizing this fragile existence, then what's different than 10 days ago? Or 11? Or 12?
Sure, last time you left in a rage on the heels of "the end". But what's stopping you from saying calmly and with love that you need to be apart to grow together? If you can't have an honest conversation with your partner, I ask you, what are you doing there?
*sigh* What a romantic!
The only one I feel sorry for here is your son. He doesn't deserve any of this and didn't ask for any of this, but it's being forced upon him anyway by people who are supposed to put his safety and well-being ahead of everything else but refuse to.
Leaving may have been hard on him at first. Living with an abusive father will be hard on him forever. Which is worse?
Perhaps you should discuss this with your counsellor. Have someone you trust who didn't push you to return there when you ask him to move out while you two work on this.
From the bolded it's clear you don't think he's changed, you don't think his nice behaviour will continue after the honeymoon phase, you want it to but you don't believe what you're saying because your head knows better. Time is not going to make this conversation easier. And it's not fair to your son to have him live with you walking on eggshells waiting for something to blow up in your face.
Are you not worried that your son thinks an angry, violent home is a safe and happy place to be? You all need time. And your son sadly needs time to adjust to a home where there is not the constant threat of violence. He needs to learn to feel comfortable away from this environment.
Take your post to your counsellor. Work through it with them. They should be able to help you find the answers you and your son need.
You are putting your son in danger. You are an adult and can make your own decisions, but his safety is in your hands and you put him back in danger. Please don't blame your lousy choice on your son. HE is the one who is going to be damaged by this. He had trouble sleeping because he was in a new situation, not because he left an abusive home.
I hope you are getting a lot of counseling. And for all of those who supposedly told you to go back, maybe they should get some too. Who would tell an abused woman to go back? Think about that!
I know you are confused, and scared, but 9 days doesnt change someone, and changing the doors doesnt either. This man didnt change, he is just waiting to blow again, and it will happen. I hope you have an escape plan.