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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: What plans trump?
I'm gonna say it--I feel sorry for your husband. He's a ~40-year-old that apparently isn't allowed to make his own decisions in life.
Here's a different viewpoint may you should consider--your DH and all his friends only turn 40 once in a lifetime. Ever. Let him celebrate it the way he wants, when he wants. Your sister's accomplishment and her graduation celebration will not be diminished one bit by her BIL not being there.
Sara, Friend?
glove slap. I don't take crap.
OP, why aren't you addressing the option of going by yourself?
I know that it is a cultural thing in the South for a married couple to do all public things together, but for the sake of making everything easy on everyone, you will have to go to this event alone. No one will think that your marriage is in trouble or that your husband doesn't love you or your family. They will think that you are there supporting your sister and that your husband had a prior commitment.
I would be flaming mad if my MIL told me that an event was mandatory. Heck no.
And if I was your DH's friends I'd be mad that he was trying to change the trip we all wanted to do to a different location to please his MIL.
Your DH needs to decide if he wants to go on the trip or to the graduation. I don't see why you can't go to the graduation and he go on the trip.
Ditto... you guys are adults - if you already made plans, then you made the plans. If you dont mind that your DH goes with his buddies, then you go alone to the graduation.
But I think your mom needs a serious talking to about boundaries.
This! I can't believe these replies! Be there for your sister! Your mom does not sound controlling she just reconginizes how huge of a life event this is and wants to support your sister! That is probably why she told you about it 6 months ago, so something like this didn't happen. I can't believe people are interpreting as a control thing and then wants your hubby to not go out of spite, lol. That is not the way to go in my opinion.
I would ask your friends to change the date, if they can't just tell them you can't go. And just plan something else for hubbys bday. There will be other fishing trips. Especially considering all your sister has been through, I would want to support her and relish in the day with her. She sounds like she has had a lot of rough days in her life. This wouldn't even be a question for me.
Best wishes to your sister!! I wish her much happiness & success!
I totally get that your sister's graduation is a big deal. But not to your DH relative to his fishing trip. This trip might not ever be possible at some other time. Forty-something males have a way of dying that would give me pause around caving to your mom's demands. I'm going to a funeral Monday for a 45 year old. He had CA for 4 years.
Graduation is not that big of a deal - especially with Nursing - your sisters most important test is yet to come. Once she is actually passes that - then make a big deal. Plus I know at ours there was not unlimited space for family - we only got so many tickets (4 i think)
Tell hubby to go fishing with his friends.
Oh and can I add too that:
my mother who, at times, drives me nuts - would never think of attempting to dictate my life - let alone my husbands - and she is able to realize that even with a 6 month "warning" sometimes you just can't be in two places at once.
She can still be there for her sister. I don't get why SHE can't go if her H doesn't. I don't think he should not go out of spite. But he shouldn't have to go if he already had plans.
But what really bugs me is the OPs handling of the situation. Saying "he will chose to go" is very controlling. I would have had a very different reaction if she simply had said "I really want him to go because it means a lot to me."
Interesting. I actually disagree with the majority.
Yes, bad choice of words with making your sister's event "mandatory." It's clear that it was just a request that her family (and yes that includes DH) be there for her to celebrate her accomplishment after many struggles.
To be perfectly honest, there'd be hell to pay if DH knew about this one date in advance and he chose that weekend to go on a fishing trip far away with his buddies.
I guess I'm not clear on why that weekend was even thrown out as an option. Presumably, if there were only 2 dates thrown out, everyone has conflicts on the other 50 weekends of the year. How did this graduation not count as a conflict that ruled out this date for consideration? If his friends are working around other weekends (which I'm guessing have less important events on them), then I don't see why the group can't work around this graduation.
I think your DH should just be honest. "Hey guys, can't make it that weekend. Can we pick another weekend?" and go from there. I don't understand why he didn't say that at the outset. But if push comes to shove, graduation trumps a fishing trip. Your sister didn't schedule her graduation and it will only happen once. A fishing trip could be done the other 51 weekends of the year, every year.
And I say this as a person who loathes graduations. I really do. My DH missed my law school graduation. He missed it because his cousin was getting married the same day in Jamaica. I was tempted to skip my own graduation to go to the wedding instead. So I generally think graduations are a waste of time, but it's not really about the graduation here.