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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Need help explaining why we're not at the birthday party
I REFUSE to go to any functions with DH's family, unless it's in a public place. There is a lot of very inappropriate physical contact with DH's 11 year old niece and a 40 year old male relative - ie, rolling around wrestling on the bed, lying flat on top of one another, her straddling him, playing alone in her bedroom with the door closed, etc. His family (including DH) does not see anything wrong with it. I do not want to be around the behavior, nor do I want my children around it. I made it clear to DH that the next time I saw something like that take place, I was going to say something in front of everyone. Obviously, the whole family would hate me (they probably already do since I have avoided them since July when I saw her laying flat on top of him on the bed). It would probably end our marriage. He keeps begging me to go to his nephew's birthday party Saturday, and promising it won't happen. I just don't believe him. I want to tell them the truth - the behavior is inappropriate, I don't want to be around it, and my ex-husband and I have agreed that our children don't need to be around it, and that they need to teach their daughter that the behavior is not appropriate with him or anyone else. DH is ashamed of that, and he doesn't want his family to know that I feel it's wrong. He expects me to go and just accept it. His alternative solution is to keep making up excuses as to why I'm never at family functions. Should I go and just accept the fact that I shouldn't care enough to stop it if her own parents don't care enough about her to stop it? Should I help him come up with an excuse as to why my kids and I are not there? Should I just tell them the truth even if they don't ask me? I will point out that after witnessing that behavior, I never leave my children alone with DH or his family. Thanks for any advice you can give me.
Be kinder than necessary because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.
Re: Need help explaining why we're not at the birthday party
Yeah, I don't think I'd still be married to a man that I wouldn't leave my children alone with...
I agree with PPs. If you really feel you can't trust him with your children why are you with him?
Why are you married to a man you don't trust?
Exactly this. If you honestly didn't believe he would hurt your children in any way you'd have no problem trusting him with them. You do believe he has the potential to hurt your children if you're afraid to leave them with him. If that's the case you shouldn't be married to him.
See, bolded above would be enough for me to end it, especially since you also said in your first post that if you were to speak up about it, it would end your marriage. Then you say you don't even trust your children with him?
Why in the world would you choose to be with someone who is either dumber than a bucketful of hair or thinks child molestation is a fun parlor game?
Unless your H knows that either neice or "the male relative" won't be around, then he can't assure you that nothing is going to happen. He can't control the rest of his family (nor can you), he can only control himself, and you can only control yourself and what your kids are exposed to.
I could not go to a "family party" with a clear conscience if I knew I was just ignoring what I felt could be molestation - just b/c it is ok with the parents doesn't mean it was ok with me!!!
If your H wants to make excuses for you, that's his choice. I would not care about what people thought of me in your situation - - the fact that I think they condone child abuse (which, IMO, it is even if there is no sex, b/c the boundries are so off) would make me not be too concerned about their opinion of ME!!!
I'm wondering - you obviously went to these parties before you married H, while you had kids. Didn't the behavior, and your (stb)H's reaction to it raise a red flag in your head?
You owe it to your kids and their dad (your ex) to keep them away from this inappropriate behavior. They don't need to model the breakdown of boundries between a preteen and a 40 year old. Tell your H you're not going and he can make up whatever d*mn story he likes.
Then I would suggest couples counseling, b/c you have way bigger problems than a family party if you don't trust your H or his judgement.
There are two issues here:
1. You are insane to be married to a man you can't leave alone with your children. Quite honestly, I think that makes you a bad parent to be married to someone you can't trust with your kids. If I was your ex-H, I'd be fighting you like hell for full custody.
2. You are just as guilty as the rest of his family if you choose to continue to ignore that your DH's niece is likely being molested (or at the very least is involved in a highly inappropriate relationship with an adult male family member). You should have called CPS already. Don't talk about how bad your DH and his family are when you aren't even willing to do anything to help this poor child.
This x1000
"Don't marry a man unless you would be PROUD to have a son exactly like him." ~ Unknown
You are describing "child grooming". It's a real thing.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Child_grooming
The ick factor you feel is that you are participating in a "group think" that by your silent non-objection, you are are teaching the child that this adult-child interaction is okay and you are leaving her vulerable to sexual molestation and assault.
You are caught between accusing him of already commiting an assault or wanting to. Allegations which are easily denied and which will make you a target for outrage. And if incorrect, could be very damaging. And if correct, could drive the secret deeper.
I would have to say something to this group. I couldn't even be satisfied that I wasn't around to see it. If I knew it was happening, then I would have to try to stop it, even if it fell on deaf ears.
To be the most effective, and to have the best chance to be heard and to have the best shot at changing behaviors, I'd voice the danger in a broader context. I'd say something like, "It's such a shame the world we live in. Uncle Danny is so affectionate with Daisy and it conserns me that one of these predators you hear about could take advantage of that. We have to protect our kids. These days we have to teach a girl like Daisy that its not okay to play with older men. It's such a shame. But we have to. It's just not safe." Then recruit others to do the work of supporting change.
I'd harp on the "not safe" message over and over. Not because of dear ole Uncle Danny, but because some other man or young kid could get access to her and she'd think that type of play was okay.
Chances are somebody else is icked-out, too and would back you up if you gave them the chance with something like this.
If you have any evidence that this child is being molested/abused (and I'd LOOK for it) then report it immediately. I'm not sure if you have a feeling that something did happen or will happen ... but I don't think you should ignore your gut any longer. I strongly suggest you call a non-profit in your area that advocates and deals with child abuse issues, they are everywhere and many have hot-line or warm-line numbers to help with dilemnas just like yours. You can get some value advice and support.
Maybe I'm a moron but I don't see why you don't trust to leave your kids with your H unless your H is the 40 y/o male relative you are talking about.
Either way, I'm with the pp's here. Why are you married to someone you cannot trust with your children?
Because her H doesn't see anything wrong with the other guy's behavior. That doesn't necessarily mean he would actually molest a child, but it's indicative of poor judgment. I wouldn't feel that my kids were safe around someone like that.
So are you going to say something to the rest of the family? I would still be worried about the niece.
Ok, I get it now. I was reading it a totally different way, almost like she was indicating that the H is acting inappropriately. I still agree with the pp
Great advice. I have a friend that was molested by her uncle for years and didn't tell me until later in life and never shared it with her family. Let me tell you... it REALLY messed her up. I would go to this family party without your kids and say something.
If CPS in your area is a joke then go to a service that isn't a joke. The police, advocates, the news stations, contact the FBI if you need to. If this is what he does in plain sight I can only imagine what he is hiding.
Check us out
This is what I'm thinking and it's a terrifying thought.
Why have you not called CPS?
I mean seriously. The only thing you have to say about this is how much this upsets you? You're so special that when you see child abuse you have to turn your delicate little face away?
Help this child. NO ONE ELSE WILL.
And really; has your dh been abused as well? Because it sounds like it.