Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Am I Going To Be Like My Mother? (Long...sorry)
I am the middle child with older sister and younger brother. My parents thought my sister or brother were going to be the ones they can depend on. They thought my sister or brother will support them when they got older. Since my sister and brother did better than I in school. They will be making the big bucks with good steady jobs. Me, they thought would be the last person because I didn't get straight A's in school and finished college.
Fast forward to us now being in our late thirties, it seems I ended being the best bet to be able to take care of them. But I am so resentful of how they treated me like a stepchild when I was younger. There were physical abuse from my mother and verbal abuse from the both of them. My dad shower my sister with money, a car, and credit cards because she was going to "take care" of them in their old age. Well, as soon as my sister graduated from college she moved clear across the country to avoid them. My brother is supportive of my parents and is always on their side, but not when it comes to be financially supportive. So, eventually it falls on me. My parents want help but on their own terms and won't listen to me or my husbands' advice to lessen their financial burdens. They just want us to help them financially and not listen our input to sell their big house since it just the two of them living their now.
Now, we at the point where there's a new issue every month. They want or need something...usually it's money. My brother and sister will not help out. My sister don't offer and brother have excuses of some sort. If is not asking about money, they want us to move into that big house of theirs. I DO NOT want to move back and live with my parents. We had to do that in 2008 and 2009 and it was miserable for me. I didn't have a moments peace...they were talking about what they needed, wanted, and was worrying about something. I almost lost my mind.
My mother is the ring leader and my father follows along. She is manipulative, alway scheming, and everything always turns to be about her!!! 
How should I deal with her? I am pregnant and don't want to be stressed...I am at my wit's end.
Re: Am I Going To Be Like My Mother? (Long...sorry)
I didn't return her last phone call she made to me and she called today crying to my husband. She was telling my husband how she is always worry about us and how hard it was to give birth to me and taking care of me since I was a sickly baby and toddler.
I wish I can end ties with her. Being in my asian cultural...that's not going to happen.
Yeah, I am basically done with their shenanigans and they know it. My siblings and I know all of their sordid ways. But it's my husband that they know will still put up them. My husband is slowly but surely seeing their manipulative ways.
My husband told me tonight he is going to write them a LONG, DETAIL letter expressing what he's observed and bringing it ALL out on the table. He's going to write it in English and then have the computer translate it into their language so there will be no misunderstanding. My husband is the one giving them money, so it'll be interesting how my parents will react to the letter.
I told my mother straight to her face I do NOT want to live with her. I am not nice when I tell her. I am firm, clear, and straight forward. My mom and dad just over step me and just ask my husband to consider living with them.
She is relentless, won't take no for an answer, and will call my husband if I don't answer her calls. So, yes, it's my husband that need to understand he doesn't have to put up with them.
Its nice that your H is so kind hearted but it isnt helping your situation here. Have a talk with him expressing your issues and wishes and lay out boundaries for him(mostly being dont answer their calls!) Tell your p's upfront, H and I have discussed this issue and you guys are not to go around me calling him, it is unacceptable, he will no longer take your calls. Your p's really need to learn respect toward others, especially you.
I agree they have no respect for me. It make me so sad and angry...but now I am starting to accept it for what it is and living my life.:)
Thanks you guys for your honest, sincere advice.
Do not write a letter. A letter is full of "excuses" of why you can't live your own life, manage your own money. You don't need to make excuses, it's your money! Just don't give them money. They will learn that they can't depend on you to do what they want and bail them out.
You clearly have an H problem. My H and I sometimes disagree over the best way to handle our respective families, but we would NEVER go above each other.
Have you and H considered moving to a different location, far away from your parents?
IMHO your husband needs to man up and have your back on this one. I agree with pp's, a letter sounds like a bad idea. He needs to tell them face to face, just like you did - something like 'W and I have discussed this, and the answer is no.' Me, I usually politely excuse myself at that point, so they understand there is no room for argument.
Just because these people share the same blood as you, does not mean you are responsible for taking care of them or being close to them and it doesn't negate all of the things they did to hurt you.
Please seek out some counseling for yourself. You do not have to support people who have hurt you and do not have any respect for you.
This...and I find it interesting that your parents expect you to help them out financially when they probably got in that situation due to over extending themselves and giving money to your 2 other siblings. You shouldn't have to defend yourself regarding how you spend your money to your parents. Just avoid the phone calls because it sounds like having a true heart-to-heart just won't happen.. So sorry you are in this situation
I agree with the rest. But I want to say to tell them that whenever your sister or brother gives them money, you'll match the amount. So they'll have to press them for money before getting any out of you.
Ditto on the personal counseling for you. You need some therapy for your feelings of rejection and lack of love from your parents. I can't imagine how it must have hurt you to feel the way you did growing up. After so many years of trying to gain their love and approval, it is hard to change directions and be firm with them. Part of you is still a little girl inside who craves their affection.
A therapist will help you (and probably your husband) draw solid boundaries with your parents.
This is all under your control.
Have your husband say these words when your mom calls him: I'm sorry, you're going to have to discuss this with MotherMary. Then you take care of it. Tell her no, that (money, moving in, whatever) is not a possibility. Then change the subject or get off the phone.
Your parents abused you. Cut them out of your life, completely.
Could your mom be a narcissist? If so, the only way to protect yourself is to pretend she does not even exist.
It's not unusual for abused children to seek their parent's approval as adults. It has probably has given you some measure of pleasure to "prove your parents wrong" that you become the sensible one they can depend on. Your sister and brother, who were showered with love and attention, don't need to seek their approval, they already got it.
Now that you've realized it's a bottomless well of need and manipulation, you are starting to resist. It's not uncommon to not know how to resist. And I am sure you are sending all kinds of mixed signals to them and to your husband.
This pattern isn't going to be broken easily and its not going to be broken with their permission. The letter is a clear example of you two deseratley trying to explain and convince your parents that you deserve to be free of their demands and guilt. You are trying to get their permission - for them to 'see the light'. It's not going to work. In fact, it will most likely be a spectular failure. They will just have written proof of your ungratefulness, selfishness or hatered of them ( you can bet they will inturpret it that way). The letter will be twisted and used against you. Because what other choice do they have? Admit it? Change? Change their entire belief system and admit they were abusive, cruel parents and manipulative adults?
Write the letter. And read it many times over. But don't send it. And when the calls and the tears come, re-read it again.
And get a good therapist with insight and experience with Asian cultures and abuse to help you navigate your new, adult role with your parents and with your husband.
Good luck.
I'm sorry you're going through this.
I've been where you are right now. It wasn't the same circumstances, but similar, and I can relate to a lot of what you've described in your post. I went to therapy (alone, and with my H) because by the time I decided to break the cycle, I was married, and it was not just affecting me, but my H, and our life together.
The most important lesson we've learned? You teach people how to treat you.
I had more control over my situation than I ever dared to realize before. And when I did take that control and start making some changes, I knew it was the right thing to do, but it was also the hardest thing I've ever had to do. My parents pushed every button they could think of, used every manipulation (they even threatened estrangement.) You name it, they tried it in order to get me to bend. It was heartbreaking, but you know what? I'd go through it all again to get to where we are at right now.
I'm sorry I hijacked your post. But all of that to say:
If you don't end this, it won't end, period. And that is hard. You want to help them, you think if you keep enabling them, then maybe this time things will get better. They won't get better, until you and your H set boundaries with them, tell them no, and that it's not up for discussion. The resistance and the tantrums you'll face will feel unbearable - don't give in. Tell them no and that again, it's not up for discussion. Leave the room, leave their house, hang up the phone. Do whatever you have to do. They'll resist because they are so used to getting you to do as they ask. So, you'll have to tell them, but also show them through your actions, that the topic is closed.
You can't make these changes by yourself. You need to seek counseling, for yourself and for you and your H. You'll need to learn to set boundaries with them together, so that they'll eventually stop trying to use you against each other. Counseling will also help you heal from the horrible ways you were treated by them growing up.
Also, you should write a letter; but you should write it for yourself. Write down everything you're feeling, what your position is and why. Then, keep it. Don't send it. If you send that letter, it will be used against you, twisted around and taken out of context. It doesn't matter what you say or how carefully you write it. That's just the danger of the written word. They will only use it to make you sound selfish or ungrateful, while making themselves seem more like victims. Because as livinitup pointed out - what other choice do they have? So, write the letter and save it. Read it again when the phone calls come in, or whenever their words make you doubt yourself.
This is a really tough situation. PM me if you want to talk, okay? Good Luck to you.
I am not giving in to them wanting us to move in with them this summer when we move back to the DC Metro Area. She wants to have control of us and living with her and dad is the best way she see how. My husband and I have already decided on renting a townhouse near the birth center where I will give birth in the DC Metro Area. (I am living in another state from my and my husband's parents now.) My husband gave our townhouse in the DC Metro Area. to HIS father and wife to live in this pass fall when we left town for business. That's a whole other sorry about my husband kind hearted, giving the shirt off his back, not discussing with me before he gave our townhouse to his dad.
There is a pattern here...the fact my husband is not working in sync with me as a partner...and doing things his own way. That's fine except for the fact that what he does also affects me too. I talked, yelled, screamed, cried, reasoned and debated with him to no avail.
Who's paying the monthly cost on the townhouse. It's you, right? So, you PLAN to pay for their expenses and then another rent for yours, too. Right?
So your in-laws are living rent free in your townhouse?
Why can't they pay their own way? Especially since they have been living rent free for so long? Or even half of fair market rent for the townhouse?
I don't have any new advice, I agree with everything pp have suggested. I just wanted to tell you that I know almost exactly what you're going through. I'm also from an Asian culture and I've had constant struggles my entire adult life trying to set boundaries with my mother. My mother is also a manipulative drama-queen (which I just realized these past few years) and uses guilt, respect, and filial duty to argue with me.
Just this week, we had a huge disagreement which made me so upset that I hung up the phone on her. I had never done that before because it was perceived to be disrespectful of elders. But, like you, I'm pregnant now and I cannot take the added stress she gives me. I then did what your husband considered- I wrote a letter in English and translated it to Chinese specifying what I needed and would tolerate. Oops, guess that was a bad idea (from reading the opinions here) and it may come back to bite me in the butt, but what's done is done. I haven't had any contact with my mother since then and I'm going to stick to my boundaries.
I've realized that by constantly going back to my mother after these huge disagreements, I'm just reinforcing her negative behavior. Like a child, she's learned that if she throws her pitiful tantrums, I'll eventually give in to her. I hope I can change my ways, take control of my life, and stop yearning for my mother's approval. Hopefully you and your husband will be able to do the same. PM me if you ever want to talk or vent!
TTC #1 since 10/09
Hypothyroidism 3/10
Cycle 17- Surprise BFP! 1/21/11
When God closes the door, somewhere He opens a window...
This.
You don't owe them anything. Walk away.