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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: Need help explaining why we're not at the birthday party
This.
All of this. If you are part of the solution, then you're part of the problem. Call CPS or the school nurse or somebody.
All of this.
I think you're making up excuses to not get involved, and the people who will suffer the most for it are the children in this situation- primarily the niece, but your kids as well. So CPS is a joke? You should have already been contacting other agencies as well if you felt CPS wasn't handling it. Your relatives won't like you if you say why you're avoiding them? If your niece were to confront you years from now, in tears, asking why you were one of the ones who just stood there, do you feel like that will be an acceptable reason to give her? Saying something will probably break up your marriage- you don't respect his judgement and won't leave your kids with him (nor should you).
And your course of action thus far isn't about keeping children safe- it's about keeping problems quiet. You haven't reported the uncle's behavior, haven't spoken up that it's wrong, have remained in a marriage and a household with a man whose judgement you don't trust around your children. How are your kids supposed to get the message that if there's a problem, they need to come tell a trusted adult right away? They're getting a clear message to not say anything about it and quietly avoid it the best they can without making anyone uncomfortable. If something were to happen with their stepdad or their uncle or a coach or a neighbor, chances are good that they are going to hide it- from everyone, including their mom.
Don't call CPS unless you have evidence that something bad is actually going on, because that's not only a great way to get your H in some serious sh!t with his family but also a good way to fast track a divorce. If you're wrong you're not only risking the well being of the person you've falsely accused but also the well being of your niece. It sucks to feel culpable for the misery of a family member being accused of something they never did. I'm not sorry for saying it even if I get flamed, but it's NOT okay to accuse someone of being a child molester unless you have some sort of proof that they actually are.
The biggest issue here is that your H doesn't seem to be validating the fact that this makes you uncomfortable. Even if he's unconcerned about your niece and that relative, he needs to understand and respect why you don't want your children to be left unattended due to the potential of this situation. I think it's actually kind of extreme to avoid the entire family over this (and I think it's extreme to not leave your kids with your H because of this, but again, I feel like if he validated your feelings it'd probably make things a LOT better for the both of you) but IMO you need to sit down and have a long heart to heart with your H over what is and is not appropriate to you when it comes to your children and get on the same page.
Are you serious???
The same thought popped into my mind. From reading your post, I got the feeling that either your H was abused, but that there is a long history of abuse in his family - thus thinking it's "perfectly normal" for a grown man to fondle a teenage girl. Of course it's ok! Because if it was abuse, then mom, and sis, and who knows who else must have been abused by...Uncle Jesse, Grandpa Joe, Dad....
Even if there is no abuse, the family is CLEARLY dysfunctional. Something major is wrong with them if they allow this kind of behavior. I was not allowed to come down to breakfast in a sleepshirt (long t-shirt) if anyone other than my dad was around - I had to wear shorts! And the mom was her dd to sleep with you? That is just not right.
Tell your h that if you see any shenannigans, you will call CPS.
I would also strongly advise counseling so you can get to the bottom of why your H doesn't recognize healthy boundries between young girls and male relatives. You are 100% right not to leave your kids with him. Not b/c he might be abusive, but he will not protect them from an abusive family member.
LOL. Yes, that is the biggest issue.
Uh, it is.
There's no evidence that the girl is being molested. You guys are all the ones who have jumped to that conclusion despite a lot of lack of details, and said to call CPS. Newsflash but CPS isn't just going to say, "Oh yeah you may be right" and throw the dude in a jail cell because he COULD be a child molester. I know this is going to be shocking to some people but in the US anyway, you're innocent until proven guilty. If OP was that frickin concerned she'd do more prying/investigating and get actual evidence of wrongdoing. She's stated that it just makes her uncomfortable though and doesn't want her children in that situation, even "innocently", but her H won't get on board. But hey, maybe one of you law experts can call CPS and tell them you're from the internet and think that someone may be a child molester. Let me know how that goes for you too!
Are you serious???
CPS and the police are obligated to investigate on suspicion alone. That does not mean that anyone will be prosecuted or charges filed but they would investigate. Much like if a teacher or doctor suspected abuse because of behavior or injuries. Sometimes the suspicions are nothing and sometimes they uncover serious abuse. Frankly I would rather they look into anything than have a child suffer and extend the cycle.
And yes closed door play, inappropriate touching, acting out, and requesting to sleep in the bed with your Uncle are all valid points to investigate. It enrages me that people can write that kind of behavior off.
40/112
With no evidence of molestation, if her DH said, "In my family it's not that weird, but I see where you're coming from. It's fine not to come to the party" then I'm pretty sure their marriage wouldn't be crumbling.
40/112
You say "no evidence of molestation" like this case has actually been investigated. There are some pretty glaring red flags for sexual abuse, and you're telling the OP not to stir the pot or her H will want to divorce her.
Sorry, but her H not validating her feelings is the least of my concerns. The SLIGHTEST chance that a little girl is being molested seems a bit more pressing, no?
What the heck is wrong with you?
I'm so glad I read down this far...either she thinks the behavior is inappropriate and should take action or she is blowing smoke very passive aggressively. I also agree that a mother has no business marrying someone with even a hint of hesitation about his being around her kids.
Really? You are *waiting* to get this child aid? Seriously?
And you claim CPS is the joke?
You have to make a choice OP. You can choose to look the other way when this girl is showing signs of abuse/depression/need for help, OR you can do everything in your power to help her. Either way, you will have to deal with guilt/regret. If you choose to ignore, you have to deal with the fact that this girl may be so broken and twisted from her pain and abuse that when she reaches a legal age she turns into a train wreck. If you choose to do something, you have to deal with the fact that you put everything in your life in jeopardy and that all your hard work could be for naught, maybe even make it worse for this girl.
You have to choose which one will make you sleep better. I personally would not be able sleep at night knowing that I, like the rest, just looked the other way while someone did that to an innocence human being. People did it to me, in multiple occasions, and I would have given my arms to have some just try to get me help.
If you choose to try you can do a variety of things. You could report it and let it fall there. You could document it, all of her odd behavior, times that she is with her uncle alone. Where she is, what she is doing, how she reacts to things. You could try and get her into therapy instead of reporting it, because in time a good professional will earn enough of her trust to find out the truth and report any suspicion. You could volunteer to become like a second home to her, letting her sleep with you, and keep her close to you as much as you can to protect her from this man, and eventually earn her trust so she can tell you what is happening. You can take this case to anyone that is willing to hear it, searching for ways to get to the truth. Those are just a few, but there are a million things you could do.
What can you live with OP?
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For the sake of an argument, what do you consider proof of someone being a pedophile or child molester?
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