Trouble in Paradise
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Can we talk about separate bedrooms?
How do you feel on the subject?
Quite frankly, I would love to have my own room. Don't get me wrong, I love sharing a bed with H and sleeping with him. Hell, I love being in the same room with him, side by side.
But, thinking about having my own space that is not tainted by his dirty socks, wallet or pocket knife makes me wonder. The same goes for him and my nightstand stack o' books, make-up, and bras.
Would you ever, if given the opportunity, have a separate bedroom from your H?
Re: Can we talk about separate bedrooms?
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I am always surprised to find out who on the Nest does this (doesn't Tamb & her H have separate bedrooms?). I find it bizarre.
Anyway, my answer is, unless there are medical reasons or something like that (I have seen my grandparents and parents have to do this temporarily for such reasons), no, I would definitely not choose separate bedrooms.
I really enjoy sharing a bedroom & bed with H, sleeping with him, snuggling with him and all that. I don't feel our space is "tainted" by his pocketknife or his wallet, and even though he would appreciate if I limited the pile o' clothes I shed by the side of the bed when I go to bed, he's not going to kick me out of the bedroom because of it! I like having "our" bedroom space.
I feel I can carve out space for myself in other ways in our home or in my life without having to designate my own separate bedroom. We don't have a huge place or anything, but I cannot say I have ever felt like I am trapped or impeded by him or his stuff!
Ex had his office with a daybed in it, I had my college bedroom set in our guest room, along with my craft closet, and then we had "our" bedroom.
When he was working overnight, I slept in my bedroom- it felt less lonely.
Ever since the breakup, I've been sleeping in the living room- I'm not ready to pack his bedroom yet.
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
Out of necessity, I have my clothes/shoes in the closet in the spare bedroom/office. It's an older home with small closets. I do keep stuff in the dresser in the bedroom and most certainly sleep in the same bed as he does. I would love a bigger bed (full-size right now), but I wouldn't want a separate bed.
ETA: He's traveling this week and I love having the bed to myself, but I keep waking up wondering when he's coming to bed until I realize he's not. I have mixed feelings about having the bed to myself because he's gone.
I wouldn't want to sleep in separate rooms. Just have my own space for all my shiit.
I would definitely still want to sleep in the same room/bed with H.
The only way to solve that is to have three bedrooms. One for him, one for me, one for us. Ta-da! I have solved it.
We kinda do and kinda don't. I have "my bedroom/bathroom combo" that houses 90% of my stuff. His BR/BATH has the majority of his. The common area is a mixture.
We sleep in my bed because it's bigger. We don't sleep apart unless one of us is sick or something.
Isn't that called a closet?
If you make another room a closet, it does not make it another bedroom, IMO. If you start throwing a bed, lounger, reading lamps and night tables in there, then it becomes a separate bedroom.
Like mort, H and I both don't sleep well when the other one doesn't come to bed at the same time. It just doesn't feel right.
I find it really odd if there's no medical need. Even my MIL, whose husband has sleep apnea and has to wear a mask thingy to bed, sleeps in the same bed as her husband
We have a fairly big bedroom, so his stuff stays on his side, mine on my side. We do have a double vanity in the bathroom, but we don't even use both sinks. One remains unused. But we both have our own designated drawers (well, I have 3, H has 1)
I completely disagree. For the first 6ish months or so of my boys lives, I slept in a bed in their rooms. It was easier for me with BFing and all. And it.was.awesome. If we had the room, I would sleep by myself all the time. I enjoy having a bed to myself and I don't see how that means there is anything wrong with my marriage.
The Princess of Anything is Coming!
Had a dream I was queen.
Woke up. Still queen.
DH and I sleep in separate rooms for various reasons. First, obviously it was because of me getting up in the middle of the night with BG which went on forevaaaah it seemed. Plus, on weekends when DH would get up with BG, I was able to just close 'my' door, turn on the fan and I didn't hear anything.
Now that BG is STTN I've realized our sleep schedules are nothing alike. DH likes to be at work by 6am which means he gets up around 4:30am. He also goes to bed around 9:30pm and I'm not even remotely tired until after 11 and will sleep until 6:30 or so. Apparently I have "issues" when trying to go to sleep because it takes me a good 10-15 minutes until I'm in and comfortable, so if I were to get into bed at 11:30 and start fooling around with the covers, it would wake DH up. And on top of that, DH can't be quiet to save his life. I cannot tell you how many times I've been jolted awake by his letting the toilet lid drop. He's been *this* close to getting shanked. More than once. And of course then I'm pissy and typically once I'm up I'm up and he's all "oh, did I wake you up??". "Honey, you should probably leave for work before I have to write your obit".
We take naps together on the weekends which is nice and I look forward to. It doesn't have all the overhead of me getting to bed late and him getting up early crap attached to it.
ETA: All my clothes and bathroom stuff are in the master suite. I don't keep anything in the room I sleep in.
It's obviously different if you have newborns and are bfing. THAT I understand. I do not understand people with no children, who have no medical issues and just choose to sleep in completely different rooms every day (occassionally I see if someone is snoring or not feeling well or something).
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
We have been sleeping in separate bedrooms on weeknights for the past year and a half because of different work schedules. It is pretty nice. I can go to bed when I want and leave the light on to read without worrying about disturbing him. After I drench my side of the bed w/ my insane sweating problem, I can just roll over to his side of the bed for the rest of the night. We don't have to argue over the ideal sleeping temperature, and he can have a big fan blowing gale force winds over the bed as he sleeps. I don't have to worry that my tossing and turning and getting up to pee will disturb him.
We still sleep together most of the time on the weekends, which is also nice for its own reasons. I like waking up together.
He's gradually moved most of his stuff to the spare bedroom. It's nice in a way, but also he is less likely to keep that room tidy if he's the only one living in there. It stresses me out to walk by and see piles ofshit all over the place. But I can't go tidy it up - why should I tidy up HIS mess!? LOL.
It might be better to have completely separate wings instead of just separate rooms.
Are you serious???
ITA with this, BTW.
People who don't get enough rest tend to be cranky. Crankiness tends to lead to more arguments about really stupid crap. More sleep = less cranky. No matter how much coffee I drink, it doesn't make up for the lack of actual rest.
I totally agree with this. The only thing weirder to me than sleeping in separate rooms are the explanations people give for why it totally makes sense and is great and has no effect on their marriage, either in terms of physical or emotional intimacy.
I'm also a BIG proponent of baby goes in his/her own room by 3-4 months of age (assuming you live in a >1 bedroom home). They either learn to sleep without their parent(s) at that point, or it is going to be a struggle somewhere (or more like constantly) down the line.
I have to sleep next to my SO. It's one of the ways I feel connected to him. Of course, I have a king size bed so it's easy to be next to each other but not on top of each other during the night. Unless we want to be on top of each other.
With XH, this issue was one of the biggest ongoing battles we had. He only wanted to sleep in his recliner with the TV on (he had some really weird sleeping habits that he picked up over the years). Eventually I gave up and just let him sleep like that while I slept alone and resented him for not being willing to meet my physical intimacy needs.
But what if its a guaranteed crappy night's sleep because of your SO snoring every.flippin'.night?
I guess what I'm saying is that just because two people aren't able to sleep in the same room, it doesn't make them any less compatible or happy or that their relationship is messed up. In fact, I'd say its the opposite. I would MUCH rather DH tell me that my "issues" with trying to get to sleep irritate him and that he'd rather sleep alone than being PO'd because I wake him up every night. Its more about the communication and being open and honest with what each of your needs are.
If you can get physical intimacy elsewhere during the day, all the better.
For us, it's the one time of day where we have each other's undivided attention for physical contact and playful discussion. We try to do that throughout the day, but it's ultimately short lived, so snuggle/spooning time before bed is important for us
This is where I'm at.
It almost comes across like people are using a bed you use to sleep in as some sort of grand metaphor for the relationship. No one has been able to give me a concise explanation without points that can't be mitigated by other things- i.e. being physically intimate/connect beyond just sex, and so forth.
Are you serious???
Well nothing leads to a healthier relationship in every case.
Personally, I'd feel disconnected from my husband if we had separate bedrooms. I'd also feel disconnected if we always went to bed at different times, too, so I guess it's good we're on the same schedule.
I dunno... My cats seem to think this counts as "quality time". LOL!
ITA. I think this is one of those issues where people on either side will never get the other side.
I think it's weird when one person in the couple is agitated by the other person going to bed at a different time. I can see the whole "light sleeper" excuse, but why would it matter if you both go to bed at 10pm together?
I sleep in bed with my SO every night, but sometimes I like to go to bed a little earlier. I turn into a pumpkin around 9pm most nights. Sometimes I will stay up with him and nap on his lap while he watches TV or something (as a compromise), but he doesn't get upset if I am too exhausted to stay up with him or anything.
smock - right, but people seem to feel like where a couple sleeps is a benchmark for where their relationship is. And the reasons they give for that are always personal - well I feel like this, and when we go to bed, we do this - but those reasons apply to you and your relationship(s), not necessarily to others.
eta: the separate work schedules thing does make me feel disconnected, because I don't get to spend as much (awake) time with him as I'd like to. It sucks.
Yeah but that's not sleeping. I could do all that with my H and then get up and go sleep in another bed. I'm talking about just sleeping in another bed. Not snuggling, not watching TV, not talking, sleeping.