Can we talk about separate bedrooms?

smock.smock · April 2011

CarrotsMakeMeFat:
I think it's weird when one person in the couple is agitated by the other person going to bed at a different time. I can see the whole "light sleeper" excuse, but why would it matter if you both go to bed at 10pm together?

I love going to bed at the same time because we always talk in bed once the lights are out, and we tend to have pretty hilarious pre-sleep conversations. I don't get angry if one of us falls asleep first, but I'd really miss that time together if we went to bed at different times on a regular basis.

broccolitree · April 2011

To me, never sharing a bed is odd, in the same way never sharing a meal is odd. Those are the two easiest ways to connect with another person, and if you're not taking advantage of that, then when do you connect? I know that my H and I start to get out of sorts when we get too busy to go on a date once a week or so.

If you have other ways you connect, that's well and good. But I do think that if you don't go to sleep together you need to play catch up in some way.

Though of course, this is tempered by the fact that I like sleeping with my H. Keeps the bed warmer. I'M GOING GREEN Y'ALL.

LovelyMissNikki · April 2011

ESDReturns:
+LuckyVal+:
If you can get physical intimacy elsewhere during the day, all the better.
For us, it's the one time of day where we have each other's undivided attention for physical contact and playful discussion. We try to do that throughout the day, but it's ultimately short lived, so snuggle/spooning time before bed is important for us
Yeah but that's not sleeping. I could do all that with my H and then get up and go sleep in another bed. I'm talking about just sleeping in another bed. Not snuggling, not watching TV, not talking, sleeping.

Same. I get that other people may have a different evening/pre bedtime routine, but honestly, and this isn't just a special snowflake thing, everyone is different. I wind down quietly in the bathroom for about 15 minutes, come out to a dark room, go to bed and SLEEP. I don't want nor need the other stuff as a part of my evening sleep routine. That's not to say I don't want or need the other stuff EVER or even every day, it just happens on a different schedule and I don't get why that's some indicator that my relationship isn't as good.

Tambcat · April 2011

broccolitree:

To me, never sharing a bed is odd, in the same way never sharing a meal is odd. Those are the two easiest ways to connect with another person, and if you're not taking advantage of that, then when do you connect? I know that my H and I start to get out of sorts when we get too busy to go on a date once a week or so.

If you have other ways you connect, that's well and good. But I do think that if you don't go to sleep together you need to play catch up in some way.

Though of course, this is tempered by the fact that I like sleeping with my H. Keeps the bed warmer. I'M GOING GREEN Y'ALL.

Lol. Talking, hugging, kissing, having sex, watching a movie together, volunteering together, doing something for the first time together, those all make me feel connected to H. Laying side by side while unconscious is waaay down the list.

smock.smock · April 2011

Tambcat:
smock - right, but people seem to feel like where a couple sleeps is a benchmark for where their relationship is. And the reasons they give for that are always personal - well I feel like this, and when we go to bed, we do this - but those reasons apply to you and your relationship(s), not necessarily to others.

Tamb, it sounds like you're defensive because you know your marriage is doomed to failure because of your selfish and wrong sleeping arrangement.

I'd recommend counseling, but it's probably too late.

CarrotsMakeMeFat · April 2011

smock.smock:
CarrotsMakeMeFat:

I think it's weird when one person in the couple is agitated by the other person going to bed at a different time. I can see the whole "light sleeper" excuse, but why would it matter if you both go to bed at 10pm together?

I love going to bed at the same time because we always talk in bed once the lights are out, and we tend to have pretty hilarious pre-sleep conversations. I don't get angry if one of us falls asleep first, but I'd really miss that time together if we went to bed at different times on a regular basis.

I used to know someone who would get LIVID about not going to bed at the same time. It was so odd to me.

We rarely talk once the lights are out. It's normally because I am so exhausted by that point that I just fall asleep.

We all have our "thing." I would dislike it if we didn't spend "talking time together" in bed on weekend mornings or after sex. Pillow talk is important IMO, but it may just be different times for different people, KWIM?

Tambcat · April 2011

smock.smock:
Tambcat:

smock - right, but people seem to feel like where a couple sleeps is a benchmark for where their relationship is. And the reasons they give for that are always personal - well I feel like this, and when we go to bed, we do this - but those reasons apply to you and your relationship(s), not necessarily to others.

Tamb, it sounds like you're defensive because you know your marriage is doomed to failure because of your selfish and wrong sleeping arrangement.

I'd recommend counseling, but it's probably too late.

lol, I know! I never even saw it coming either! All this time, I thought our marriage was better than ever. Crying

+LuckyVal+ · April 2011

ESDReturns:
+LuckyVal+:
If you can get physical intimacy elsewhere during the day, all the better.
For us, it's the one time of day where we have each other's undivided attention for physical contact and playful discussion. We try to do that throughout the day, but it's ultimately short lived, so snuggle/spooning time before bed is important for us
Yeah but that's not sleeping. I could do all that with my H and then get up and go sleep in another bed. I'm talking about just sleeping in another bed. Not snuggling, not watching TV, not talking, sleeping.

And I totally get that. Getting into bed together, periodically rolling back over to resnuggle, waking up together, that's just part of our intimacy ritual. I know others covet their sleep and their habits that differ from their SO's.

If you have other ways of fulfilling this, as tamb said, all the better! But in our hectic family life, the sanctity of getting into bed is one of the few places we ensure each other's undivided attention (kinda sad actually that we have so little opportunity to get that elsewhere)

broccolitree · April 2011

Tambcat:
broccolitree:

To me, never sharing a bed is odd, in the same way never sharing a meal is odd. Those are the two easiest ways to connect with another person, and if you're not taking advantage of that, then when do you connect? I know that my H and I start to get out of sorts when we get too busy to go on a date once a week or so.

If you have other ways you connect, that's well and good. But I do think that if you don't go to sleep together you need to play catch up in some way.

Though of course, this is tempered by the fact that I like sleeping with my H. Keeps the bed warmer. I'M GOING GREEN Y'ALL.

Lol. Talking, hugging, kissing, having sex, watching a movie together, volunteering together, making a memory together, those all make me feel connected to H. Laying side by side while unconscious is waaay down the list.

Dude, barf.

I'm not literally asking, 'what do you DO, then?' We also play pub trivia, I kick his ass at video games, and we take long drives together in addition to sharing a bed. What I'm saying is that sharing a bed is a really easy way to connect. If it's not for you, fine, but if not I feel like you need to find another something extra. And I'm lazy.

{freudian edit}

imoan · April 2011

Maybe I'm a better sleeper... my H is a huge snorer AND wakes up earlier than me and I have no issue sleeping.

pedantic_wench · April 2011

I think it's weird for people to assume that someone's marriage isn't healthy or happy because said couple doesn't always sleep in the same bed.

CarrotsMakeMeFat · April 2011

I wonder, Tamb, if you think this ritual of your's would change after a baby comes into the picture? Have you thought about that at all?

RaiKai · April 2011

For H and I at least, going to sleep in the same bed is not just about laying unconscious together. While we do not always go to bed at the same exact time, usually it is fairly close. And if not, the one coming to bed later likes to snuggle up to the one in bed, and the one in bed does not usually mean getting disturbed a little.

While we talk a lot outside the bedroom as well, going to bed together to sleep is also about having some extra quiet time to talk, and cuddle, and whisper sweet nothings (lol). Even if we just read before falling asleep, or we watch some videos and read the news together on his iphone, it's a nice "us time" before we fall asleep after what sometimes can feel a short night due to different working hours and eating dinner or doing laundry. It is calming and peaceful. I would really miss that, and it would be different if one of us then got up to go to a separate bed.

I actually get up quite a bit earlier than H (I get up at about 5:15am, and he gets up between 8-10 depending on when his shift starts). Sometimes he is more aware of me waking up than other times, but I try and be quiet. Still, it's not worth sleeping in sepearate beds.

I understand that there are people who do not find they need that time in bed together before they fall asleep and what have you, but I do still find it a bit bizarre to sleep in separate beds unless their is a medical reason (or another reason such as a new baby being BF and the other parent needing the sleep before going to work). I don't assume it means their marriage is crap. I just find it strange. Of course it is projecting my own preferences and situation onto others, but that is what making judgments is all about!

fussbucket · April 2011

Another reason it gets a general side eye from me (everyone else's explanations for their personal situations and "memory-making alternatives" aside), is that if/when issues DO arise in the relationship, it provides a convenient trapdoor to escape working out differences.

Like, you either "don't go to bed angry" (per the adage) or "stay up and fight" (per Phyllis Diller via SueSue), but separate sleeping arrangements enable a highly destructive third option of going to bed angry (or bitter, or resentful, or lonely, or whatever your issue is), and doing it night after night after night.

It reminds me of that scene in Citizen Kane where he and his first wife get farther and farther apart at the breakfast table.

EastCoastBride · April 2011

imoan:
Maybe I'm a better sleeper... my H is a huge snorer AND wakes up earlier than me and I have no issue sleeping.

For me, it's all about the earplugs. I've worn them for YEARS. We recently moved and our house is SO quiet. I finally was like "Great- don't need them". Eh, still do. I found that any noise could wake me and then I was up for 3 hours. But w/ ear plugs, I can sleep so well, but yet I can still hear DS if he cries out.

pedantic_wench · April 2011

fussbucket:

Another reason it gets a general side eye from me (everyone else's explanations for their personal situations and "memory-making alternatives" aside), is that if/when issues DO arise in the relationship, it provides a convenient trapdoor to escape working out differences.

Like, you either "don't go to bed angry" (per the adage) or "stay up and fight" (per Phyllis Diller via SueSue), but separate sleeping arrangements enable a highly destructive third option of going to bed angry (or bitter, or resentful, or lonely, or whatever your issue is), and doing it night after night after night.

It reminds me of that scene in Citizen Kane where he and his first wife get farther and farther apart at the breakfast table.

This is like saying Facebook is responsible for adultery.

Tambcat · April 2011

I feel really connected to H when we poop in front of each other. Like.. a person is just so vulnerable when they are eliminating. If you and your H aren't taking advantage of that, then you're really gonna need to find something to replace it with.

Tambcat · April 2011

CarrotsMakeMeFat:
I wonder, Tamb, if you think this ritual of your's would change after a baby comes into the picture? Have you thought about that at all?

huh? what? no, it has not crossed my mind.

LovelyMissNikki · April 2011

fussbucket:
Another reason it gets a general side eye from me (everyone else's explanations for their personal situations and "memory-making alternatives" aside), is that if/when issues DO arise in the relationship, it provides a convenient trapdoor to escape working out differences.
Like, you either "don't go to bed angry" (per the adage) or "stay up and fight" (per Phyllis Diller via SueSue), but separate sleeping arrangements enable a highly destructive third option of going to bed angry (or bitter, or resentful, or lonely, or whatever your issue is), and doing it night after night after night.
It reminds me of that scene in Citizen Kane where he and his first wife get farther and farther apart at the breakfast table.

Choosing to go that route is the hallmark of someone being avoidant, and they would be avoidant of resolving the issue regardless of sleeping arrangement. People are avoidant all the time while still sleeping in the same bad as their partner. I think this is kind of a red herring.

+LuckyVal+ · April 2011

pedantic_wench:
fussbucket:

Another reason it gets a general side eye from me (everyone else's explanations for their personal situations and "memory-making alternatives" aside), is that if/when issues DO arise in the relationship, it provides a convenient trapdoor to escape working out differences.
Like, you either "don't go to bed angry" (per the adage) or "stay up and fight" (per Phyllis Diller via SueSue), but separate sleeping arrangements enable a highly destructive third option of going to bed angry (or bitter, or resentful, or lonely, or whatever your issue is), and doing it night after night after night.
It reminds me of that scene in Citizen Kane where he and his first wife get farther and farther apart at the breakfast table.
This is like saying Facebook is responsible for adultery.

No, but, as with fuss's comment, FB would fuel the fire for adultery if the groundwork is already there

fussbucket · April 2011

Tambcat:
I feel really connected to H when we poop in front of each other. Like.. a person is just so vulnerable when they are defecating. If you and your H aren't taking advantage of that, then you're really gonna need to find something to replace it with.

I guess this is gonna sound crazy but we are a go-to-the-bathroom-with-the-door-open household. We also used to shower together every day before we moved into a house with a small stand-up shower (and now with the baby it's not very easy either). We both value the no-closed-doors aspect of our relationship and we both miss being able to shower together every day -- a lot! I've been in other relationships that weren't "open door," and I vastly prefer it this way.

LovelyMissNikki · April 2011

+LuckyVal+:
pedantic_wench:
fussbucket:

Another reason it gets a general side eye from me (everyone else's explanations for their personal situations and "memory-making alternatives" aside), is that if/when issues DO arise in the relationship, it provides a convenient trapdoor to escape working out differences.
Like, you either "don't go to bed angry" (per the adage) or "stay up and fight" (per Phyllis Diller via SueSue), but separate sleeping arrangements enable a highly destructive third option of going to bed angry (or bitter, or resentful, or lonely, or whatever your issue is), and doing it night after night after night.
It reminds me of that scene in Citizen Kane where he and his first wife get farther and farther apart at the breakfast table.
This is like saying Facebook is responsible for adultery.
No, but, as with fuss's comment, FB would fuel the fire for adultery if the groundwork is already there

No, it's something that can be abused by someone who most likely would have found another way to do what they wanted anyway.

FB never made anyone cheat- has it enabled a person who would have cheated any way to cheat easier? Sure. Just like sleeping in separate beds is going to give a person with an avoidance issue re: relationship troubles a more convenient way to be avoidant.

Also, it seems like a pretty crappy reason to have your sleep suffer by forcing yourselves to sleep in the same bed, because what that boils down to is, "I don't trust you to actually communicate with me to resolve our issues so I need to force you to be around me for longer so it's more uncomfortable for you should you ever try to be avoidant." I don't think I need to go into specifics about why that is more unhealthy than deciding for practical reasons you'd rather get your 8 hours of sleep a night in a separate bed or room.

hindsight's_a_biotch · April 2011

I think this is one of those issues where you have to marry someone whose gut feeling on this topic is the same as yours.

Put separate bedrooms in the porn/strip club/hobby category and let's move on, shall we?

LovelyMissNikki · April 2011

hindsight's_a_biotch:
I think this is one of those issues where you have to marry someone whose gut feeling on this topic is the same as yours.

Put separate bedrooms in the porn/strip club/hobby category and let's move on, shall we?

</gavel>

pedantic_wench · April 2011

hindsight's_a_biotch:

I think this is one of those issues where you have to marry someone whose gut feeling on this topic is the same as yours.

Put separate bedrooms in the porn/strip club/hobby category and let's move on, shall we?

Agreed.

fussbucket · April 2011

hindsight's_a_biotch:
I think this is one of those issues where you have to marry someone whose gut feeling on this topic is the same as yours.

Put separate bedrooms in the porn/strip club/hobby category and let's move on, shall we?

No, I want to stay up and fight!!

+LuckyVal+ · April 2011

LovelyMissNikki:
+LuckyVal+:
pedantic_wench:
fussbucket:

Another reason it gets a general side eye from me (everyone else's explanations for their personal situations and "memory-making alternatives" aside), is that if/when issues DO arise in the relationship, it provides a convenient trapdoor to escape working out differences.
Like, you either "don't go to bed angry" (per the adage) or "stay up and fight" (per Phyllis Diller via SueSue), but separate sleeping arrangements enable a highly destructive third option of going to bed angry (or bitter, or resentful, or lonely, or whatever your issue is), and doing it night after night after night.
It reminds me of that scene in Citizen Kane where he and his first wife get farther and farther apart at the breakfast table.
This is like saying Facebook is responsible for adultery.
No, but, as with fuss's comment, FB would fuel the fire for adultery if the groundwork is already there
No, it's something that can be abused by someone who most likely would have found another way to do what they wanted anyway.
FB never made anyone cheat- has it enabled a person who would have cheated any way to cheat easier? Sure. Just like sleeping in separate beds is going to give a person with an avoidance issue re: relationship troubles a more convenient way to be avoidant.

This is pretty much what I was saying Nikki: if you're already having issues, sleeping seperately is likely to further any breech of communication and resolution. Likewise with FB/cheating. No, simply being on FB isn't going to make someone cheat, but if there are other issues that make you more susceptible to infidelity, FB is likely to magnify that

hindsight's_a_biotch · April 2011

fussbucket:

No, I want to stay up and fight!!

It's not like anything else is going on 'round these parts.

smock.smock · April 2011

I'll help Fuss:

If you sleep separately it's probably because your husband is cheating on you!

If you poop with the door closed you're keeping secrets from your spouse which is like being unfaithful!

If you don't eat dinner together you're terrible parents and your children will be sociopaths!

If you don't brush each other's teeth you're essentially giving your spouse a plaque-related heart attack!

+LuckyVal+ · April 2011

smock.smock:
If you don't brush each other's teeth you're essentially giving your spouse a plaque-related heart attack!

Oh please, if I wanted to kill him, I'd use my hands

Can we talk about separate bedrooms?

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