Trouble in Paradise
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: Can we talk about separate bedrooms?
This is why it does not make sense to me.
My SO works crazy hours. There are days where he gets home just in time to sleep a few hours before going back in. Even if he comes in when I am already asleep, I wake up for a few moments to greet him and kiss him goodnight, and then I sleep better knowing he is there. I would never willingly take away the bonding we enjoy and and curling up against him before falling back asleep, or the few minutes we spend waking each other up in the morning and talking before we get out of bed. If you already have limited time together, why separate even more?
Because it would not be like that for us. He would not like me interrupting his precious 5 or 6 hours of sleep by coming to bed. We don't like to touch when we sleep. I don't sleep better with him in the bed. I would not feel warm and fuzzy when his alarm went off everyday at 3 or 4 am, in the middle of my 7 hours of sleep. That time is not valuable bonding time for us.
You don't find it at all ironic that you and your H haven't slept in the same room since BG came along and that you are both pissy as fuuck? Oh, and that you're saying that this doesn't happen?
I guess I don't understand why it's not valuable bonding time. All of that shiit happens for us too. And my SO is so OCD about waking up on time that he sets three alarms (that all go off at different times). Sure, I could do without the alarms. But I could not do without him.
I'm not necessarily taking up for Geek, but I will say that correlation does not always equal causation.
Well I'm sorry, I can't tell you why it isn't. It's just not. I don't feel compelled to sacrifice a good night's sleep on a nightly basis to share a bed with my H when there is a perfectly good second bed in the house. I don't think doing so would make us feel more connected. He feels likewise.
No doubt.
But did you read her post? Sleeping in separate rooms means that you are better communicators and have a healthier relationships, as evidenced by her and her H?
Really? You don't understand?
Ha, I set three as well. All to go off between about 5:10 and 5:30.
No, I was mostly a lurker with sporadic posts. I needed to change SNs for privacy.
No, I don't. Obviously it makes sense physically to have your own space. But there must be something more to it if the majority of people derive great pleasure, comfort and security from sharing a bed with their SO. I don't think it's so strange for me to question why that emotional aspect is missing, especially given that it is the norm.
Perhaps because sharing a bed has become a cultural symbol of marriage and not doing so a sign of a failing marriage.
I think one of the major things you're missing here is that not every couple is exactly the same - people are individuals with individual needs.
Neither of us is "pissy as fvck" and I'm not sure where you're getting that from. DH has a lot of work stress, we talked about it a few weeks ago he's been much better about leaving work at work. If you want "pissy as fvck" that would be me with little to no sleep tweaking on coffee and trying to quit smoking.
And yes, newsflash, it IS healthy to communicate your needs to one another. As in "OMG, I'm going to die (or someone else will) if I don't get a good night's rest. I'm going to sleep in the other room. Good night, honey, I love you." In fact, it wasn't uncommon, pre-baby/pregnancy, for me to sleep in another room occasionally because of his snoring/apnea. I'm a light sleeper and when I keep getting startled, (usually just as I'm finally starting to drift off from the last snore/stop breathing/gasp for air cycle), then get startled, then almost back to sleep, then startled... Well, trying to "sleep" becomes damn near impossible and then I get irritated because I'm "supposed to" sleep in the same room with DH. DH is aware he does this and he doesn't begrudge me saying "ugh, I really need to get some sleep". Again, there's that little communication thing.
I'm also saying that for me "never going to be angry" is NOT an option. In fact, I think its pretty damned stupid. Why the hell would I want to keep hashing out an issue at 2, 3, 4 in the morning when I'm that tired and not making much sense? All that does is make me more pissed off that I'm losing sleep over something that can be hashed out at a more reasonable hour. For me, personally, when I'm overly tired I get really emotional and sometimes a little irrational, so for me, getting some sleep so I can think more clearly is better. And again, that's another example of how people are different and have different needs.
I'm really not sure why this is such rocket science to you. People are different and have different needs.
I may be wrong, but I thought historically speaking, husbands and wives either had separate rooms or separate beds and that sleeping together is relatively new in cultures.
Like I said, I could be way off base here, but for some reason that is sticking in my head.
Anyway, bottom line is that if it works for some people and it isn't affecting YOU, WTF do you care so much?
You got pretty defensive for not being pissy as fvck about your marriage.
Co-sleeping is definitely not anything "new." Evolutionally speaking, it's probably what kept our race alive. Don't get all of your information from 50's television shows.
I'm getting pissy because trying to explain this simple concept of people having different needs to you is like trying to talk to a brick wall. If by "defensive" you mean "giving examples of how things work for DH and I", then yes, you're right.
People have different sleeping preferences, different fighting styles, and even like different foods than their SOs. Its not the end of the world.
You got that, Champ?
I was in no way attempting to generalize this to anyone else-- just talking about you and your H. I think its LOL funny that you cry about not being able to leave the house with your son because your elbow hurts, and your dad sucks because he wants to spend time with you on Sundays, and your H is slowly checking himself out of your family because he hates his job (and probably the fact that you SAH but can't afford to pay a babysitter for 2 hours). All of this, and you're trying to say how sleeping in different rooms actually illustrates how you and your spouse have great communication and are in no way less happy than other couples.
It is and I'm googling to find the exact name for this type of sleeping arrangement, but I remember seeing something about it on the Offbeat Home facebook page and was kind of surprised when I went to check it out on wikipedia that there was so much information.
Basically, sleeping together in the same bed is a lot like other "social norms" in that its come and gone and varies culture to culture and varies to the time period. So, while I suppose given where our society is at right now, sleeping in different beds or rooms is "weird", in the scope of history and geography it's not really weird at all.
Are you serious???
The older generation slept in separate beds/bedrooms and the divorce rate was super low, so obviously it works!
Humor aside....who really cares? I mean really. Who cares? It's all about the individuals involved and their preferences. I don't think it has anything to do with the healthiness of the relationship. I agree with what Nikki said about it being used to further tendencies already there, but it probably isn't going to cause problems in an otherwise happy household.
Well by the same token being in love with your legally denoted life partner is a relatively new trend, too. In fact, I'd think these two trends might have something to do with each other.
Meh, I'm pretty sure that was reserved for nobility and other rich folk. Poor peeps had to slum it up in the same beds, I'm imagine.
Without getting into the cultural stuff I read indicating that sex and "relationships" were in fact based on love and attraction in some cases, my point is that, "It's weird!!!" isn't a valid reason for why you shouldn't do this. Unless you're implying that by not wanting to spend 8 hours lying unconscious in the same bed or room as someone means you love them less, in which case I think I know some co-sleepers you'd get along well with.
I know that's probably NOT what you're saying but I guess the whole topic annoys me since I'm seemingly in the minority here, ha.
Are you serious???
LOL maye I'm a bit hypocritical in my categorical stances against sleeping with your kids but pro sleeping with your spouse.
Are you serious???
So you're saying that lack of communication and/or sleeping in the same bed is contributing to my elbow issues, my grasping of the concept that there are more than 2-3 hours in a week in which my family could get together, AND the fact that DH gets thrown under the bus every day???
Holy shiit, woman, you may be on to something!
::headdesk::
If you truly were a lurker, you'd already know that:
-BG and I do actually get out of the house and do things - just not quite as much as I would like. I am working to correct that.
-The Dad/SM situation is self-inflicted by them. They complain that they don't get to "spend time" with BG but every time we suggest a time so that they COULD spend time with BG it gets shot down. Its kind of like the lottery - you can't win if you don't play.
-DH and I have discussed the work issue and he's keeping his eye open for something else. He's not checking out, I can assure you of that (we still flirt, snuggle talk and make time for us); he was going through a rough spell because of a DB at work and it was really getting to him. And yes, we can afford a sitter. We're also trying to get ourselves set up (financially) so that we're in a good position (emergency fund, retirement, and college fund) in a few years. We sacrifice by choice, not out of need.
*Edited for rambleynessWhen you don't have much more than one room to share amongst all of you, you don't have much choice but to sleep in the same room or bed along with your half-dozen offspring and other assorted family members. A separate nightstand seems like a luxury in comparison!
I'm coming down on the side of "who gives a shiit?" I don't care what happens (or doesn't happen) in other people's beds so long as it doesn't involve sex with animals or sex with children. As long as both spouses are happy with an agreed-upon sleeping arrangement, then no harm, no foul.
Personally, I need someone in my bed as it's an intimacy thing for me. I could handle sleeping apart in the short term if work or a new baby changed our schedules. It's not the ideal for me in the long run though and I know from experience it wouldn't make me happy. These are my needs. I don't expect every other person in the world to share them.
Can I have this cross-stitched onto a throw pillow? Otherwise I might forget. Thx!