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Hi - new with a huge problem (long)
Hi, I'm new and hoping to get some advice or encouragement.
My FI has had an issue with talking online with other girls/texting girls he has hooked up with prior to me and sending them naked pictures/getting into online chats/looking at porn.
I can handle porn.. but not the other things. We have been together for a year and a half and we have 1 daughter and I'm pregnant with our second.
From the beginning of our relationship this has been continuously going on without fail. He has actually cheated on me several times. Most of the time we were "technically" broken up but I was pregnant and basically just waiting around for him to decide to be with me and our daughter.
Since moving in together about a year ago he has started the chatting online and texting other girls, but has not physically cheated with someone else.
I've confronted him SEVERAL times and he has never made any permenant changes. But, this Monday I was going to take a nap in bed while he was asleep (he works nights) and I decided to check his phone. He had gotten on a night flirt website where he chats with other girls, and had texts from 2 girls who he has previously hooked up with where he had sent them both naked pictures and was talking dirty. I confronted him and he lied several times before I had to actually text the girl myself to tell me the truth. Even when he was sitting infront of me and I told him I had just asked her what happened and he needed to tell me the truth before she did, he still continued to lie.
He can't really explain why he does this.. but I called his parents (as I have done 3 other times) and they came to our apartment to help. He cried and said he doesn't know why this happens but he has a problem and thinks he is addicted to sex. He willingly gave up his cell phone and we got him one where he doesn't have texting or internet and I blocked every girls number I know of, and I also banned him from our laptop. He has signed up for counseling.
I guess this just hurts (beyond the obvious reasons) because our sex life has gone down hill since we moved in together and he has a hard time helping me finish. We rarely have sex and he doesn't seem interested in doing it.. I always have to initiate it. At first I thought it was because I'm pregnant but between my pregnancies it never got better. I occasionally like rough sex but tell him that if during sex I ask him to stop then he should stop because I am not into it and sometimes he just doesn't listen so I have to stop and get out of bed.
I've had SEVERAL conversations about our sex issues and he promises to fix it but we have 1 or two times that are good before he is back to his old ways. I also have asked that he maybe try to talk dirty to me and text me things instead of other girls (mainly because I don't understand why he wants it from them and not me??) and he says he can't because then nothing would distinguish me from them.. and he doesn't do it with me because he says its how he shows respect because I'm not just some girl he uses...
To be fair, he has done this his entire life, always cheated one every girlfriend and slept around multiple times.. at 13 he was caught several times by his parents looking at porn or chatting dirty online but they never did anything.
Sorry if this is long.. I'm just at my wits end and am so hurt and its so hard for me to continue and to treat him like a 5 year old (even though he COMPLETELY deserves it) because I just don't want to continue being hurt. I know he loves me and I do think he has a problem but I don't understand why he can't just stop =(
Re: Hi - new with a huge problem (long)
I could write a novel and thoroughly explain everything wrong with this situation, but you just did.
So, I'll keep it simple and just say leave his sorry ass.
I am going to be blunt: I have no idea where to even start with this.
Your fiance lies.
Even if you ask him to stop being rough, he is physically rough in bed.
He is cheating, at least emotionally, with other woman. He lies about it. He cries about it. He does not accept responsibility for it. He blames "his addiction" (right).
Do you seriously believe that he has not had a physical affair with ANYONE else? Because I sure don't. Especially not if he has a 'sexual addiction' (not that I really buy that sexual addiction part).
Why the hell would you want to be with someone you had to "wait around for to decide to be with you". Even if you were broken up during those periods of time he slept with others, how was it not clear to you that this was not acceptable to wait around? If something is on and off, it should remain off....
Oh, and it is RIDICULOUS that you CALL HIS PARENTS to come help. How old are you two?
I do not even understand how you think that the fact he has done this his entire life makes it less bad. Him looking at porn at 13 is hardly a big deal, IMO. That is what teenage boys do. However, him cheating on every girlfriend he has had is a big red flag.
How do you know he loves you? What sort of definition of love do you have that has someone acting so disrespectful toward you? That is not love. That is not loving action.
You have been together 1.5 years, already have one daughter, and another baby on the way. I cannot understand why you would have one, let alone two, children wtih this man. If your daughter was dating someone like this, would YOU want her to stay? Because, quite frankly, you are teaching her this is totally normal behaviour.
No, he does not "deserve" to be treated like a 5 year old child. He deserves to be dumped. Why the h3ll would you want to be with someone who is a 5 year old child. if that is how you think of him? You already have children.
The worst thing you could do is to marry this man, the second worst thing you could do is to stay with him.
Dump him, and get into individual counseling asap. And see a lawyer about the child support and child custody issues.
Also...LOL that he shows YOU respect by texting dirty and sending nude pics to OTHER women. You should have laughed in his face and walked out the door when he told you that. It is just sad that you even accepted that as an answer.
I know, trust me.. I've thought about this a MILLION times. (although it's not as easy as walking away when you have a 5 month old and are 8 weeks pregnant..again)
But if he TRULY does have a sex addiction.. can that be fixed? would that explain it? Admittedly I'm a pretty black and white person and have a HARD time accepting that excuse but that's because I see things a little more simply and don't really think people can blame their problems on "addiction". I've always felt like you make a conscious choice to do something or not do something.. but I've read that it can be more like drug addiction? (I truly feel like an idiot compairing the two because I don't believe it..)
But if its true and it really is a problem versus him just being a complete ass then he needs help..
Yeah, well, plenty of people do it. My own mother managed on her own with two young kids and being 7 months pregnant with her third because my dad was a cheater, too.
This is why you don't have kids with cheating, lying douchebags.
As for the addiction thing:
1. I do not believe he has an addiction. He IS a completely selfish ass. I think he just watched too much Celebrity Rehab and it sounded good to him.
2. Even if he did, it is not something that is going to change overnight. I pretty much guarantee he has already had many physical affairs, and put you (and your unborn children) at risk. He would likely relapse MANY times.
YOU DO NOT HAVE TO STAY WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS AN ADDICTION, SEXUAL OR OTHERWISE.
This is not a dynamic you want to be involved in.
3. What do you plan to do about the trust? The communication? The fact he lies? The complete lack of respect? The fact he does not listen to you? How is THAT going to be repaired?
What is there exactly to go back to you when your entire relationship has been this fvcked up and dysfunctional?
I feel for you I cannot imagine the heartbreak you must feel. At this point, he has no reason to stop. You have made it clear that this is acceptable behavior by taking him back repeatedly. You have chosen to remain in an unhealthy situation and in the end do you know who is really going to hurt? Your daughter or daughters, by staying with this man you are setting them up to be as unhappy as you. I can testify 100% this is what will happen. My very best friend's father has cheated on her mother, a beautiful intelligent woman their whole married life, and you know that my friends mother has told her... that she should just expect to be cheated on, that all men do this. She actually thinks her daughter should just deal with it. Now her daughter is living like you, keeping her man on a tight leash, thankfully he is a nice guy who would never cheat on her, but that is beside the point.
Fact of the matter is no amount of control you exert over him is going to stop him from these behaviors. If he truly has an addiction, then this is way beyond your capabilities to handle. I am not really sure why you would choose to have two children with this man, but that is all done now. You need to move out until he gets some help.
My mother has a saying I agree with, some people love you as much as they are capable of. Some people are too selfish and too self absorbed to ever fully love those around them. At some point you must realize you have done all you can and that he loved you as much as he could, but it either is or is not enough for you and you choose you...you must choose you. I am sorry to tell you, but sometimes love is not enough.
For the record I think you could have sex with this man everyday and it wouldn't be enough, he has some serious insecurities that only validation from other women helps. He really needs counseling and so do you. I implore you for the sake of these 2 babies to please please get out of this situation until he has shown real progress. At this point the heartbreak is on you, he fooled you once shame on him, fooled you twice shame on you.
I know, I don't know how to fix it. I thought we would start by removing everything and going to counseling.
For me, I see our relationship as a marriage. And you should do WHATEVER it takes to make it work because it's fair to my children. All problems aside, he is a good father... and I grew up with divorced, fighting parents and it was hell.
I guess thats what I'm thinking about, that good or bad I should work through issues and help him fix what he needs for us and for my babies.
Thank you for this.
It means a lot and I have definitely taken it to heart.
YOU can't fix it.
So, "staying together, fighting, cheating, dysfunctional" parents would be better? I don't see that as fair to your children.
He can be a good father without being your partner.
You two can learn to co-parent in a healthy way. Not all divorced parents fight like you saw with your parents. Despite the reasons for my own parents divorce, I actually feel very fortunate with how things worked out, and I was raised in a home with my mother and stepfather who have an incredibly healthy and loving relationship.
This is not just "bad", this is highly dysfunctional. YOU should work through your issues by going to individual counseling, but I think there is something that has you staying with someone who has shown from the start they were not a good partner (and indeed was/is a horrible partner).
Again, YOU cannot fix this.
Definitely, I agree.
I really can not understand some women and their actions, i can not no matter how i try.
First off you got pregnant with a dirt bag, and since that wasnt enough and your relationship a mess, you decided to get pregnant yet again. samrt move.
now you use your 1st child and your 2nd one as an excuse to stay with a cheating, lying dirtbag. there are millions of women who raise children alone. do not blame your terrible choices on your children.
he is a good father? LMAO nice try...good fathers treat the mothers with respect, kindness, and caring. NONE of those things is he doing for you, of course you are allowing him to disrepect you. teaching your children that a man has no respect for their mother is not doing thm a favor.
he is a slime. a cheater and liar. why do you not respect yourself or have any self-esteem? why would you want to be with a scummy guy who doesnt give a crap about you?
Really take responsibility for your choices, your acceptance of this behavior, and teach your chilren something good....how to respect yourself!
PS get yourself tested for ALL STDS...now~
That would be it for me. You want to be with a guy who thinks it's okay to use other people? Women in particular? Can you respect that man?
I have a friend whose father cheated on her mother, ALL THE TIME. EVERYONE knew it. Her mother to this day pretends it doesn't/didn't happen. Want to know how much respect my friend has for her mother? Want to know how much she has for her father? How about how often she visits them now? How about the amount of therapy she has been to, or number of good relationships she has had?
Staying with this man is not doing your children any favors, so stop claiming to be staying for them. You aren't.
It sounds like you aren't ready to leave him, but you have to. If not for you, do it for your kids. Do it for him. He is not going to be able to get help with you around. He is using you to enable him to do this behavior. Sex addiction, I don't know if I buy it, but I do know about addiction and unless he wants to he isn't going to get help. He is going to have to hit rock bottom. Which could be anything. For some it is finding out that his family knows of his addiction. For others it takes being homeless, penniless, loveless, jobless, watching from the window as his kids and his old love move on to a happier life with someone else.
Only he knows what that rock bottom is, do you want to continue to let him drag your kids down like this? I mean if he is addicted to sex, there is no telling what he will do. If you watch Dr.Phil think back to that sex addicted creep who said he got a boner when he held his kid, what would you do if it got that bad OP?
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I understand that you don't want to leave him and you think he's a nice guy, he doesn't mean it, he can change for you and make things all better and you still love him... But you have to leave him. He's emotionally cheating on you already. And plus he has been cheating on every relationship he had and why should it be different with you? Once a cheater, always a cheater.
He's not worth it one bit.And I can guarantee you it's not you, it's him. You can handle porn, which is great, because porn is really not cheating. But exchanging dirty pictures with other girls ad sexting/cyber sexing them is. And you also tried to have cnversation with him discussing you sex life in hoping to make it better.
Let's just say he's addicted to sex. Which is okay. He can still have sex with you while be addicted to sex! If he's not having sex with you then that means he's not addicted to sex, he's just using it as an excuse to fantasizing about other girls. Actually having a little sexual fantasies of other people is healthy too, but he acted the fantasies, that's where he did wrong. Actually exchanging dirty pictures ans sexting/cybering with other girls is considered cheating.
He lies to you and he's dishonest with such a big issue and how can you ever trust him again? You cant, can you? Dump him, break up with him and I know it hurts, but it's better for you and your children. He needs to stop cheating on you emotionally and be a better example to his children. Breakups are nasty, but you have to do it. I agrees on most people's post and you should stand your ground and tell him this is it, if he doesn't change then you are breaking up. If he still doesn't change,(he won't.) break up with him.
Just do it. Break free of this guy, break up with him and find our own prince charming. Like other people said, actually marrying this guy will be the biggest mistake of your life.
Best of Wishes.
Ditto what everyone else says. The facts prove that he's a selfish man who at the end of the day, continues to lie to and cheat on his wife. His PREGNANT wife.
I don't believe this is an addiction--it sounds like selfishness. But even if it is, addictions are a lifetime struggle and sometimes aren't overcome, even when people want to change. He's not indicating a desire to change. You have to devote your energy to raising your kids, not treating an addict that doesn't want to change.
Finally, I think one HUGE red flag is that you mentioned your dislike for rough sex, and his refusal to take NO for answer when you tell him to stop. Married or not, no means no. He's not only disrespecting you by cheating, but he's also doing it physically. This signals UTTER lack of respect and compassion for you on his part. If he's willing to abuse you in the bedroom, he's capable of anything in my opinion.
He says he loves you, but ALL of his behavior speaks to the contrary. Base your decision on his behavior, not his empty words.
He has cheated on you and refused to take no for an answer in physical scenarios. Leave him before the situation takes a turn for the worse. For your sake and the sake of your children!
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Do you want your daughter to grow up thinking that this is how normal, healthy relationships work? That it's okay for her husband/boyfriend/whatever to treat her like sh*t? Because that is what she will learn from you and worse, if this next child is a boy he will learn that how his father treats you is how he should treat the women he has a relationship with. Do you seriously want that? How is that fair to your kids?
More importantly, how if your being miserable and KNOWING you're being lied to fair to you or your kids?
You've done what you can, he has not changed, you need to leave and take care of yourself and your child.
"Good" fathers don't treat the mothers of their children like ***. Good luck.
This is the whole scope of your problem:
My FI has had an issue with talking online with other girls/texting girls he has hooked up with prior to me and sending them naked pictures/getting into online chats/looking at porn.
I can handle porn.. but not the other things. We have been together for a year and a half and we have 1 daughter and I'm pregnant with our second.
Nuff said --- please do yourself a favor and boot his arse posthaste.
See an attorney for child support issues and jointly held property issues (if you have any) --- dissolve this shot to hell "relationship."
He is not in any shape to marry anyone, particularly not the mother of his kids.
This is also a very unhealhy dynamic for your kids --- they'll get the idea that it's fine for a man to walk all over a woman, show her infidelity...and you'll be showing your kids that this behavior is perfectly fine, IF you choose to stay with him.
And get tested. He's a mutliple offender.
Porn is no big deal...unless it turns into an addiction. Then it IS a problem -- as big as a "typical" addiction to drugs, alcohol or spending.
BTW, birth control for you is a great idea -- a year and a half and HOW many kids?? Why were you NOT using birth control at all??? (and even if you didn't get yourself knocked up, you are still open to who knows what STD. didn't you learn anything at all in health class???)
Also: GET TESTED. You never know.
Counseling won't help -- he's already emotionally checked out of the relationship. The lack of sex is a give away -- the first place a couple shows a disconnect is in the bedroom.
Do yourself a favor: say goodbye to him and THERAPY FOR YOU. YOu came from a rocky household and you need to avoid attracting this type of bum in the future. "Good father"? Uh, how????
As hard as I know it is with one child and another on the way, the truth of it is you should be thinking of your children in this situation and not about your fiance. Having a father who cheats, lies and potentially has a sex addiction is not something you want your kids to grow up knowing. I know it's hard to leave their natural father and I feel you pain when even considering leaving him, but look at it from their perspective. If you say that his parents caught him many times when he was little and never did anything about it, what if your kids at age 13 walk into his room and catch him with some girl naked on his screen (I'm sorry to be blunt) and they become the same way. It doesn't sound like your fiance would go out of his way to hide these things from his kids, and down the road he may even encourage it in them so that he's not "alone in this world".
Think of the possibilities. Having two kids does not instantly take you off the market in the romance or sex department. Millions of women marry a man that can truly make them happy AFTER having 2 or 3 kids with other people. You want to find someone who can treat you right, someone who can make you feel like the million bucks you're worth and someone who will love and help you look after your children rather than adding an extra stress in your life. While pregnant this is not something that you need. You're stressed enough as is and increasing your stress levels with your fiance's so called addiction (I agree with you there, people decide to do things or not do them) will only hurt you and potentially your unborn child.
I know that every post on here is telling you to "dump his ass" but what I'm telling you to do is "move on and find true happiness"
I hope this helps.
If my DH has a drug addiction, alcohol addiction or sex addiction I would leave him. If I had kids it would make the decision easier. Parents are role models. What type of model are you setting for your children by putting up with this? What type of model is your fianc? setting? What type of role model would you be setting if you walked away and ran things by yourself in a normal fashion? Most of the time the right choice is the hardest one. My only real concern here is with you. Why did you choose to have a second child with this guy and why would you even consider marring the guy?
I think she already pulled the "it's too hard to leave with one kid and one on the way" think in one of the follow ups.
This makes me sad. What happened to Women's Lib and common sense??
How old are these 2 anyway? I am guessing they're young 20s.
I understand not wanting to be divorced after growing up in a broken home myself. However, you two aren't married yet. Your children deserve a happy and stable home. A happy and stable home doesn't necessarily mean that mom and dad need to be together. I was praising the high heavens when my parents finally divorced bc there was finally some peace in the house.
You have given him chance after chance and he's fuucked it up every single time. The fact that you also had to wait around for him to decide to be with you speaks volumes as to how he values you and your children(which btw is zero). He's also put you and your babies at risk for STD's and other infections. Yet, you say he's a good father? Not buying it. Ditch the d-bag and get yourself some individual counseling. You and your babies will thank you later.