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Getting Pressured on attending church with IL
I have reached my breaking point...The ILs will not stop pressuring my H and I to attend/join church with them. They think that we should all attend chuch together every Sunday as one big happy family and then all go to lunch together and spend the afternoon together.
My problem with this is that I want my H and I to establish our own church home and do not care to share my spiritual experience every Sunday with others, especially my ILs. They just keep pushing the issue, telling me that church is supposed to be about family. Which I agree with, but they need to respect that my husband and i need to grow together and build our own foundation and that is impossible to do if they are constantly in attendace. I feel like it is important for my husband and i do begin building a SEPARATE family foundation as a SEPARATE unit and once we begin to start having a family of our own we can bring them up in a church that we have selected and attend tht church as OUR family (H, myself and our chidlren),
They have been trying out different church homes and have told my H and I that they will not join or become members of a church until we join the same church. I feel like this is totally ludacris that they are basing their spiritual and religious decisions on us and what we want to do!
Please help ya'll! What are your thoughts?
Re: Getting Pressured on attending church with IL
Pssst.....the term is "ludicrous". Ludacris is a rapper.
Where's your H on this?
Just say, "We appreciate wanting to spend time together as a family, but we've already found a church where we feel comfortable," and then drop the subject. If they continue to badger you, your husband needs to say, "We're not discussing this" and then hang up the phone or walk away.
Are you all the same religion? If so, maybe you can reach an agreement to attend holiday services with each other sometimes, but you will attend weekly services at your own parish. Or say, "We're very happy with our parish. Why don't you attend a service with us and see if you feel the same way?" Or arrange to have a post-chruch breakfast with them one Sunday a month, or something like that where you can spend some family time together.
If you're not the same religion and they're trying to push you into something you don't believe in (for example, you're Jewish and they're Christian), say, "We're not converting, end of story" and then don't discuss it anymore.
I don't think it's an awful thing that they want to make religion a family thing, but I agree with you that they shouldn't just be picking and choosing their religion so (seemingly) carelessly. But their faith is really none of your concern, so stick with your own faith and let them do what they want, and don't discuss the issue anymore. And ditto PP about the big issue here being how your husband handles his family.
I think that your husband should tell them that you're "church shopping" and will select the church/community that is best for you. If they happen to join the same one, I don't know that you can really do anything about it. I don't think you can tell them "no."
I am pretty private about religion and don't really feel comfortable sharing it with others, so I hear ya on not wanting them to always be around. I don't think that this is a battle that I'd choose to fight, though.
FET - transferred two embryos (boy and girl) - Nov 2014 - BFP!
Nobody should pressure anyone to go to church, sorry:( That being said, you seem pretty dead set on being very 'separate' from your ILs. I completely understand wanting to start a new family with you H, but it doesn't mean you still can't include other family members at times. H and I don't belong to a church, but we do attend sometimes with my dad, when he asks. Compromise is usually a good thing and helps keep the peace. Now if you ILs are horrible aholes I retract everything I said, lol.
I actually have an example, for Easter my mom's family has a huge gathering, extended family, people I see once/twice a year. H and I decided not to go and to do brunch on our own. My mom's not happy, but it's not her choice. We will continue to spend time with my family, but also start our own traditions. It is definitely a balancing act. Good luck!
I'm confused. Are you the same religion as your in-laws?
If not, then you have to state that your religious beliefs are not up for discussion and that's that. Don't discuss it again- if they attempt to, leave.
If yes, then the only reason you want to change churches, or stay away from theirs, is because they go there? If that's the case then I think you're overreacting, unless there's some huge heinous history between you and them that you didn't share. You don't need to be among strangers at a new church in order to start your own traditions. You mention wanting to go to church with your own kids, one day- is it so unreasonable that they want to do the same thing?
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I agree with this.
It's not really up to you whether or not they join the same church as you. The only thing you can do is find the church that best suits you and your H then go from there. And, if you find the spending the rest of the day with them post service is too much, find a way to limit that time.
Church isn't something anyone should force on anyone.
I agree with this. Your ILS are going to need to be hit over the head with a frying pan. They are not going to accept "no" for an answer, and will wheedle their way into your Sundays unless you are firm and direct about not wanting to spend time with them.
Is them wanting you to attend church with them the part that is frustrating or the part about them expecting you & DH to devote your entire afternoon to them afterward? That in itself, would frustrate me!
I agree with PP's that no one should have influence and/or pressure one about religion and going to church, which church, ect.
As a compromise, could you all together "as a family" attend church together on holidays such as Christmas & Easter? I can see that being special.
As for the 'normal' Sundays - just explain that this is a tradition that you & DH want to begin within your marriage & as for the remainder of the afternoon, the two of you use that day amongst yourselves (relaxing, cleaning, spending qt time together, running errands, ect.). < Btw, I don't think you have to elaborate on your plans, a simple "We're busy on Sundays after church..." is more than enough. I think this is a conversation that DH might want to have with them, unless of course they approach the both of you about it.
I think that this is not very Christian-like.
I kid, sort of.
Do what you want to do. I don't understand your obsession with SEPARATE, but if they're being pushy, I can kind of understand you digging your heels in. There has to be a way to deal with it that doesn't completely exclude them all of the time unless they're awful people. Like, every other Sunday go with them, or once a month.
I agree with this. I would be very honest and tell them that what they want is not something you want to do. And you might consider changing that to something you "aren't going to do..." depending on how direct you need to be with them.
Fortunately, my IL are not total a**holes as one person mentioned
They are actually wonderful people and i appreciate them tremendously. I just feel that we do a lot with them already and i feel like church should not and does not have to be one of those things.
My H is somewhat on my side but he feels bad telling his parents no for fear of hurting their feelings. He's an only child.
I am just so frustrated that they can't comprehend why i want to worship without them. I don't know why i am so private in my spiritualness but it's just the way i am. Maybe just to appease them my H and I can attend only holidays and then communicate to them that we have elected to attend another church each week. Problem with that is they aren't concerned with where they worship at all. all they want is to go with us wherever we go so they'll just push and push until they find out where we are going...
Maybe we should just move to another state! haha... only kidding
haha, ah yes, you are correct. I do enjoy Ludacris though...thanks
I suspected as much. Has anyone told them to back off, ever?
Then you need to enforce boundaries in other ways than by trying to control what church they go to. It is perfectly acceptable to say that you and DH want to spend Sunday afternoons as a couple, and to keep other aspects of your lives separate from them.
But there is no good way to tell someone you don't want them at your church. Pick the church that is best for you and DH, and if they want to go there too, fine.
I'm Catholic, so church is just whatever church is Catholic. I think your issue is more about ILs trying to control your agenda and plans on Sundays, than your spiritual choices. If I didn't want to go to church with my parents/ILs and then spend the whole day with them, then I'd just go to a different mass.
I think you are wrapping-up which church to pick with the enmeshment your ILs are trying to force on you. You can certainly be part of the same church without all of this extra baggage your IL are signing you up for. It just means that that you have to be firm with your boundaries and comfortable saying no.
Unless or until you get comfortable saying "no" about going to the same same Sunday church service, at the same time, in the same row, plus lunch and afternoon activities - this whole thing won't get solved.
If your DH is on your side, then he needs to step up and be firm. "Mom and dad- we appreciate that you want to go to church w/ us. However, this is something that we need to do on our own. I need for you to respect that. We're not going to join the same church as you."
He doesn't have to be rude, and I wouldn't throw in a ton of excuses. He needs to be unfront and FIRM.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I'm not understanding this dilemma very well.
I understand wanting some boundaries with the ILs. I understand wanting some time to yourself apart from them, so I certainly think that spending every Sunday with them for church, lunch and hanging out is excessive.
What I don't get is the separation of churches. By default, you're not worshipping privately, but with dozens or hundreds or thousands of other people. Church is about as un-private as it gets. Now I can understand a certain amount of privacy re: religious views or maybe prayer groups/small group, etc, but the actual attendance at church is just that, attending a church service. I guess I don't see the big deal with wanting to have separate churches. And to be honest, it doesn't sound like you have a great shot at achieving that if they're waiting for you to pick a church so they can pick the same church to go to.
If it's their overall intrusiveness in your lives, I'd pick some other battles. For example, I'd be OK with grabbing brunch on Sundays after church, but would leave it at that. Or I'd try to limit visits between Sundays so you're only seeing each other once a week or something.
I think Kuus is right, and the only way you're really going to get what you want is by being direct that you just don't want to spend one more minute with them. And it will hurt their feelings.
I understand where you're coming from... a lot. Some people find that in addition to worship, church can lead to meeting new people, building friendships, doing activities with people, playing on sports teams, etc. If your ILs are already a huge part of your life then I can see why you would want church to be something that is just for your and DH.
I hate to be one of those people but the best way to solve this problem is for your DH to man up and talk to his parents. You may hurt their feelings now but it will establish some boundaris that you will probably be thankful for later when you decide to start a family. I think there are a lot of ways to go about talking to them without devastating them. Could your DH just say, "I really want to spend quality time alone with my wife on Sundays."? It covers the bases with anything involved on Sundays, including church.
Please don't take this snarky, that is not my intention. I'm just trying to understand.
They are waiting for you to pick a church. Do they not attend church at all now? Are you both (ILs and you and DH) new to the area and that's why you both are looking for a new church? Do they attend a church now, but want to switch churches because you aren't going to attend theirs?
Again, I'm just trying to understand what their thinking is.
It's your feelings that are keeping your family and his family from attending church together, correct? Then you need to own your feelings and be the one who speaks with them.
It must be terribly difficult to have an only child and be able to separate when that child is on their own with a family of their own and to feel, more or less, left behind (at least how they feel, whether or not it is factual).
I think if you edit some of the tenser emotions from your original post, you have a perfectly *valid* script to present face-to-face (not email) with your ILs. Add that you feel lucky to not have nightmares for ILs and that you want that strong extended family to include them, but that the spiritual direction of your marriage and the upbringing of your children will be insular and that they, while playing a supporting role, are not part of that intimate world.
As for your comment about spending major holidays with them at their church - that is going to get sticky. As you become more invested with your own church, you'll want to spend the meaningful days with the people you are growing with. There isn't anything wrong with switching off Mother's Days and Father's Days (odd/even years) where you visit their church and they visit your church (if that's what you want) or committing to Christmas Eve Services with them but that you will see them for lunch after Easter services. The rest of the holidays should be spent at your respective churches - but holiday meals and such can be worked out separately. Build a dependable tradition in that manner rather than feeling you have to "buy" your church-going freedom from them by offering every holiday on the calendar.