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Custody question
It is my understanding that my FI has joint custody of his children. However, their primary residence is with their mother and he pays her child support. For whatever reason since before I came into the picture they do not have a schedule. So basically whenever they aren't busy with their mom (which they usually are) and if they feel like it they spend time with us. (they are now 14 and 16).
I know that I cannot change the situation but it just completely baffles me that my FI would be ok with making his children choose to see him. And more often than not I'm sure their mom keeps them busy with her so that she can control and minimize the time they spend with us.
In the years that we have been together as you can imagine this has caused quite a bit of hurt feelings on everyone's part.
The whole situation has come to a crossroads in my mind because up until now I got along fine with his children. However a few weeks ago we had a disagreement and it appears they are upset with me. So I assume this will interpret into them spending even less time with us.(since it's their choice and all).
Is it just me or is this situation crazy?
Re: Custody question
Either there isn't a written custody agreement that outlines visitation or there is and your FI is ok with letting the mom not follow it. He needs to meet with a lawyer and get the visitation schedule enforced (or set in the first place).
Whichever it is, I would not marry a man that doesn't think seeing his kids and spending time with them is the most important thing in his world.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
The few times we have talked about it he says that it is just easier this way. I managed to miss all of the knock down drag out fights but it sounds like there were many. The mother is manipulative and I'm sure she caused all sorts of drama to finally get things her way. A free pay check every month and full custody/control of her kids. I'm not saying it is right but I can see how he was broken down to this point. I think he feels like his kids like him more without all of the fighting. I know there was a time before we met that he had to travel a lot for work so I think that is probably when things got out of order as far as how much time he spent with them.
He loves his kids and they love him too. All of their interactions are very loving and wonderful. However, I do see that when they get older they will probably realize (if they don't already) that it was his choice to only see them when it is convienient for everyone. And I'm sure they will in a lot of ways resent him for that.
All other business aside, I would seriously think twice about marrying a man who doesn't fight to see his children.
I bet those kids though he'd be around for them "4eva" also...and....well....you see how that's played out.
But did he go to court to fight LEGALLY for a structured visitation schedule? Fighting w/ his ex who is manipulative and then just giving up.... sorry, not impressed.
And you think she just gets a "free paycheck" every month? She is still the one w/ primary physical custody and has the FINANCIAL burden of raising those kids. Why shouldn't he be financially responsible for his children?
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
You are marrying this man, and he has a financial commitment to somebody. Don't you think that is something you should have a full understanding of? Have you talked about income? Debt? Credit card balances? Child support should fall in with that conversation.
And - really - the free paycheck thing makes me give you the side eye in a major way. She has those children the majority of the time. The bulk of the responsibility falls on her. He doesn't even have a commitment to "every Tuesday and every other weekend." Nothing about the money he is giving her equates to a "free paycheck."
It sounds like your FI has done some manipulating of his own....
Yes, I am a little bitter. Though I do to some degree I understand that he put himself in this situation. Given the incomes of our two famililes it seems that joint physical custody and zero child support would make the most sense. Both parents have significants others and more children with those significant others. Both parents maintain households for their respective families. If I had a say in it that is what would have happened.
Considering that both children are so close to 18 it seems almost too late to try to reverse the court order though.
What do you think?
At this point I don't think it is about the court order. I think it is about what kind of man you want to marry.
Does he have joint physical custody or joint legal custody? They are two different things - my XH and I have joint legal, which gives him equal say in the decision-making for our daughters. I have physical custody and he has visitation, and he pays child support.
I insisted on retaining full custody - not for the "free pay check" (I provide everything for my children except for the diapers and food when they're at his house. He doesn't buy clothes, toys, etc.) but because I wanted my children to have one "home" and to disrupt their lives and schedules with our nonsense as little as possible, and he agreed to it without argument.
I read the agreement and at the time I didn't realize there was a distinction between physical and legal. Perhaps it is legal not physical. But that really doesn't mean anything because his x and her husband do whatever they want and I really don't think they give any consideration to FI's input.
Whaaaat? You think this guy isn't responsible for helping to pay for the support of his children?
No that isn't what I think. What I think is that she should pay half and he should pay half. I think that he should have his kids half of the time and she should have them the other half. That is what I think.
Basically, you're saying that you're marrying a wimp who is easily manipulated into giving paychecks away for nothing (in your opinion) and is too lazy to see his kids?
Do I have that right?
74 books read in 2011
He doesn't though. They are with her full-time and by your own admission he has done nothing to change this. He hasn't fought for his kids, why shouldn't he at least be financially responsible for them?
Honestly, it doesn't sound like you are so concerned with the type of father he is as much as him having less of a financial obligation.
Do you already have children with him?
Like I said I have only been with him for 3 years. I have no idea what all exactly went down to lead up to this arrangement. I do know that she left him for another man that she was already sleeping with. And I do know that in order to not be laid off from his government contract job he had to travel frequently for work for quite some time (not anymore).
Yes, we do have a child together. And believe it or not he is an extremely loving father. To all of his children. He makes the most out of the time he spends with his other children. And he does faithfully pay the money to their mom every month. He is not a dead beat dad.
How is this information relevant at all? Seems like you're trying to make her the "bad guy" here so you don't have to see the crappy qualities in your FI.
You seem full of excuses and denial.
3 years is long enough for you to get engaged to him and more importantly, have a baby with him, but it's not long enough for you to know what's really gone on with his kids and custody arrangement???
No, I don't believe you that he is a good father. Part of being a good parent is being there, even when it's hard and even when your kids don't want you there. From what you've posted he has failed miserably in that department. Staying current on his child support does not change that.
Your attitude on child support is pretty horrible. He is fulfilling his financial obligation to help raise his children, stop treating it like some pay-off that his ex is getting and doesn't deserve.
74 books read in 2011
This exactly. In my state, custody orders don't matter once the kid hits 14. They (the kids) can do as they wish at that point.
There is so much to say here, first of all, it is up to him to fight for visitation using a lawyer if he wants to see his children on a regular basis. If he just pays child support and doesn't see his kids he is somwhat of a deadbeat dad.
I know because my parents were divorced and my father never missed a payment. He did on the other hand miss every bday of all 4 children every year, rarely called, moved out of state and we basically never saw him again when we became teens. He was a royal jerk but never missed a payment. He also never sent anything for Christmas. But he never missed a payment and paid until each of us became 18.
My mother worked full time and were were still at the poverty level. And although she qualified she never took a food stamp or a government payout.
Now, my EX H. thinks he can just decide that if our 15 year old doesn't want to see him, that it's ok. UMMMM NOOOOOOO! I told him (just last week) if he doesn't continue his visitation I will get a lawyer and force the issue. His son NEEDS to see him. It is not up to my son. I have FULL legal and physical custody, but would never keep my son from his father, and the father needs to take responsibility, and that's got little to do with money
My husband pays very little child support (doesn't make much) and the school fees I am looking at are in the neighborhood of $500, for him to enter the sophmore year of high school.
THAT IS JUST FEES for one child for school. Lady you need a reality check.
I still have to provide medical care(he's on meds that cost me 1K yearly out of pocket,and I have insurance) , dental care, clothing, food, shelter, etc.
SHAME on you for calling child support a free paycheck. I don't care if she is remarried or not, that has nothing to do with YOUR FI supporting HIS children, that is his responsibility not his ex wife's husband responsibility. Those kids still have to eat and they eat a lot as teens, and have clothes, have you ever dressed a teen?? It's costly. Not to some spending money for a movie with friends every so often. And I only have one child.
I am remarried, but I do not expect my husband to support MY child, I support my child and the child's father supports him.
Umm. They're teenagers. They probably spend more time with mom because she doesn't interfere with their access to friends and their social lives. Even in intact homes, typically developing kids that age don't hang with dad unless he's offering something they want- like driving lessons.
LMAO about mom "keeping them busy", as a parent of a kid this age, I assure you mom doesn't have that degree of power. My kid makes his own social plans and is quite busy with school, scouts and various music ensembles. If I weren't driving, I wouldn't see much of him.
I have a slightly different take on this, as I and my siblings were older when our parents split.
I was eighteen and out of the house, but my sister was sixteen and my brother was fourteen. My parents never formally laid out a visitation agreement, because at that point we were all old enough to come and go as we pleased. My mom stayed in the house we grew up in, and my dad moved into a small apartment. No one was forced to spend any time with either parent, because we were teenagers and had our own plans and our own schedules. Both parents would check with us about when we were free, and would make plans with us as everyone's schedules allowed. Believe me, if either parent had tried to force us to spend weekends or weeks at one house or the other, none of us would have taken it well. We did tend to sleep at our mom's house, since that's where the stuff was, and it would have been silly for our dad to splurge on renting a three bedroom house when all of us were leaving for college within a few years. Eventually the house was sold, and both parents got small apartments once my sister was in college also.
You can't parent a sixteen year old the way you parent a six year old, and I think it's appropriate for the custody agreement to reflect that fact. If you think your FI isn't taking enough initiative to see his kids, then that's one thing. But all of this talk about getting lawyers and "forcing" teenagers to spend time with one parent or the other sounds very petty to me. All of my siblings have good relationships with both of our parents, in large part because they treated us like grown-ups and not like pawns in their divorce. Make sure you're not trying to use the kids to "stick it to" the ex-wife, because you're bitter about the child support.
It's usually best for a child to have a single home.
Why don't the birth parents buy a house in which the children could establish a home base and the parent who has joint physical custody could move in with them for the duration of the visitation rather than disrupt the kids' routines?
I mean, they're the innocent parties in all this. They didn't make a bay with someone with whom they couldn't get along. I have friends who actually did this for a time. It worked well in both cases.