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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
I need HELP with my momma's boy fiance!!!
My fiance and I have been togther for a year and two months now, i've always known he loved his mom but not to this extent. He is a hard core momma's boy. Here's the story, we're both eighteen, engaged to be married this year in June. The part of us being you isn't the problem, it's his mom. He went to basic traing for the army last summer and i moved in with his family because my parents kicked me out for wanting to be with him. He's a good guy they just thought we were to young to be taken seriously. So when he got back i moved in with my grandma for a little while but then moved back in. This is when i realize how bad it is. We never go out to dinner or anything because we were both in school and didn't have a lot of extra cash so we just tried to do romantic things like walks and hikes here and there. (He's waiting to go to AIT then we'll get stationed somewhere) Well he got a job and now that we have money he wanted to take me shopping and to dinner. This was wednsday, it's now Friday. I guess he didn't tell his mom because she made dinner and when he got home he told me he didn't want to hurt her feelings so we could go out another time. Well, i got pissed because it's always always always her over me. So yesterday we all went out to dinner for his sister's birthday and after we were going to go shopping adn maybe the movies to spend some time together. Well, we ended up staying for like three hours then his mom said she wanted to go home because she was feeling tipsy frome her one margarita. So we went home, we're supposed to do something toniht but i doubt that will happen as long as we are living here. We're leaving by the end of this year though. Thankfully. He also finds the need to tell her everything, i mean everything. From what we argue about to my family and my personal buisiness. Our families don't get along so whatever she gets ahold of she decideds to hold against my family. Ugh, HELP!!! Sorry if there's a lot of mispelling, i was on a rant.
Re: I need HELP with my momma's boy fiance!!!
You being young IS the problem. If you were ten years older, you wouldn't even bother dating a guy who tells his mom everything, let alone plan to marry him. And I can't help but wonder how much of this is caused by the two of you living like children in grownups' houses, but pretending you really are adults.
Summary: Your parents are smart. No one in their right mind would take the two of you seriously.
Your parents are right. Call off the wedding; apologize to your parents, and go back home. Get yourself a college degree; meet a few more men over the next few years, and figure out life before you cut yourself off at the knees like this.
You cannot even support yourself. Please, stop this.
You are wayyyyyy too young, you are not going to find anyone more than a few years older than you who thinks otherwise.
With that said, you are asking for advice, so here goes-
Make crystal clear to your FI that his involving his mother in your life is ruining your relationship. Have you told him this straight out? Once you make clear it is important to you, watch what he does. If he continues to put her first, really ask yourself if you want to spend your life that way.
Realize if you want to be treated like an adult you need to really live like one. That means living on your own, not with family. Have you graduated high school, do you have plans to go to college, do you have a job? These things should all be more important to you than getting married.
Seriously think about putting the wedding on hold and living for yourself for a while. If he is really 'the one' things will work out in the long run, but if he's not you will be saving yourself so much hurt and trouble by waiting. Have you seriously thought through what will happen if things don't work- will you even have the money to get home if he's stationed far away and you have alienated your family?
Advice:
Go to school. Live in the dorms. Hate your first weird-o roommate but eventually learn to get along with them. Graduate. Get your first apartment with your best friend (See weird-o roommie from above). Furnish apartment with stolen (but eventually returned) milk crates from the elementary school. Have your heart broken. I mean real broken - not HS BS broken. Get your first real job. Figure out who you are.
Then think about getting married.
You will change so much from the 18 yo you are today that in 10 years you won't recongnize yourself.
But you won't listen. Because you are young and self-righteous and life hasn't kicked your @ss with any actual problems yet.
People here aren't being mean - maybe, just maybe, they are wise.
My advice is to get a job, get an apartment, and wait a long, long, long time to be married. Your FI is immature because he is 18. He's not supposed to be mature. The fact that he tells his Mom all of your personal business and places her above you means he is not mature and is something that should bother you.
Never marry a mama's boy.
Ever.
Wait until you can afford to live in your own house/apartment before you worry about getting married. Of course nobody's going to take you seriously if you need to keep shuffling between relatives in order to sustain yourself.
And do yourself a favor and earn a college degree first. You're giving yourself a severe disadvantage in life without one.
Turning 18 doesn't automatically make you an adult. You need to ACT like an adult in order to be treated like one. He's still a boy, just like you're still a girl. Why are you in such a hurry to grow up? If it's really meant to last forever, then you'll still be together in a few years once you've both gotten a little older and wiser. And if it's not, you'll have dodged a HUGE bullet.
Gotta agree with ALL of the ladies on here. If I married the boy I was with when I was 18 I would be completely miserable right now!! And would have never have met current awesome guy!
You think you know what you want, but trust me...you don't yet. There is so much more that you need to experience first. In terms of becoming independent and learning who YOU are, learning what qualities you want in your partner, and learning how to deal with problems such as these. It will come in time. What's the rush? Maybe your boyfriend is "the one", or maybe he's one of these experiences that you will have that will help you learn more about yourself. (Also... get the hell out of his mom's house if you don't like the lady!!!)
He's a mama's boy because he is still a child.
You are a moron because you are a child as well.
So you moved in with your boyfriend's parents, then moved in with your grandma, then moved back in with your boyfriend's parents, and your parents still don't take you seriously as a real-live mature, grown-ass adult?
The hell you say.
lol
This is excellent advice.
I really hate to put it like this, but... the door for comments is open.
The problem isn't your Fi's mom, first off. He is her son, who he lives with. He is in the military & if you're thinking that things will get better once you guys are together & living On Post somewhere... brace yourself & get ready for the overwhelming reality. It's an unfortunate fact that a lot of marriages end in divorce, add age & lack of life experiences in the mix, as well as ARMY Life.... if you're thinking that this is going to get any easier, you're sadly mistaken. I understand that you love him & he loves you.
But do you get that the things that have been mentioned are really bull in the big picture? So what you didn't go shopping or spend time together? How do you think life's going to be once the military is involved?
ARMY Life isn't anything to mess with. The phone rings... he's gone. That fast, that simple. There's no guarantee he'll come home, either. OK-Let's get hypothetical...
You're married. Living On Post. Say... you're 2 months pregnant now. He gets a call & he's deploying for at least 12 months. That means you have to carry the house, pay the bills, do the laundry, handle anything that couldn't be by him before he left, oh yeah & have the baby without him & the first few months after, as well. Are you ready for that? If you haven't realistically thought or even considered these types of thing, what business do you have for getting married? I hate to put it so bluntly, but... it's the reality of the situation. Marriage isn't playing house, it's Life.
I am NOTHING like the person I was at 18 and by no means should I have been married to the guy I LOVED and though I'd be married to. He was also a mommas boy and although I share a lot and am close to my family he was way worse.
I should get you in contact with my cousin who was 20 and got married just prior to his leaving and was divorced 6 months later.
If you are truly in love and everything is perfect why can't you wait?
Okay, I see that you've gotten a lot of negativity from those opposed to young marriage, but I know many people who married out of high school, (myself included) and it can be done. However, the cold hard fact about early marriage is that you can either work, work, work at it, or show the whole world what a baby you are. I hate to sound mean, but that's the size of it. Every marriage starts to accumulate baggage that you have to work together & rid yourselves of, so it is wisest to minimize such baggage going into it. Earnestly tell your momma's boy fiance that you love him, but must postpone the wedding, because, in order for a marriage to work, both partners must confide in each other before all others. Of course my DH talks with his mom, and we regard his parents' advice with utmost respect, but he knows how dangerous it is to seek his mother's advice before my own. I abide likewise.
I don't know what your religious views are, but as Christians, my DH & I believe that when the Bible says that a man must "leave his parents, and cleave to his wife," it is showing that the two people really do need to become their own functioning unit, and whether you're a Christian or not,that makes pretty good sense. I understand that, economically, times are tough, and sometimes young couples need lots of help from their parents; however, they should not be so dependent on parents that they have little or no need for each other (besides sex & peer-group amusement- that will never last long).
I would really encourage you to postpone your wedding so both of you can take an honest look at your maturity levels, work on your shortcomings, and reevaluate in a few months.
This is beside the point, but one pp made mention of under aged bride and groom being prohibited from a champagne toast at their wedding; I know that in some states, alcohol can be consumed by minors who are in a house of worship, or with a spouse who is of age. We skipped it because we frankly didn't care, and preferred our pink fizzy punch. To each their own.
This is stellar advice.
So, if you don't want to break up with him then what do you want to do? There is no way you are going to change him and if you have to live the next 18 years with a guy like that is not going to be paradise. Doesn't it bother you that you cannot support yourself? You have no skills if something happens to him you are sol. You will have a MIL who knows everything including orgasms. If this is cool with you then go ahead stay in the situation.
You think people are mean because we have walked the walk and now are in a position to give you good advice. This guy is a stepping stone, go enjoy life. If you decide to stay with him, please print this out and in 5 years smack it against your head and say OMG I should have listened.
mags is awesome, listen to what everyone is telling you!
The only advice you need is this: don't get married at 18, go to college, find a career, get out of mom and dad's house, and THEN think about getting married.
Your parents went so far as to kick you out for being with him? Red flag.
Oh, you're cute. That was what we call a joke. Congrats on making it a whole 6 months being married, though.
I wonder about the people who (almost always) say they were really young but worked really hard to make it work.
I married after I was well established as an individual (college, JD and career) and after 8 plus years have had no real challenges in our marriage. Truly wine and roses. We worked all of that stuff out before we got married - or... get this.. this is the key... we wouldn't have married each other.
I think I will give you some really awesome advice!
I say go for it! Get married! Expereince young love!
...
I say this because then, when you are 28, mom of 2-3, single, working 2 jobs, trying to make ends meet-paycheck to paycheck (maybe even with some gov't assistaince), and when husband #2 comes along you will be just jaded and bitter enough to not take crap from your new MIL.
Both 18?
And a high school romance?
And getting married?
Nuh uh.
This in itself is a recipe for doom.
18 year olds are never ever marriage ready. You haven't lived, you havne't got good solid jobs, you have no money in the bank and you and he are just too too too young.
Just based on that, postpone this marriage --- wait several years. Wait until you're both done with school and have sequestered a couple of good jobs. YOuneed to be mature and self sufficient before you can even consider a lifetime commitment.
That your parents pretty much are on the outs with you because of your relationship with him -- getting married too too young -- is pretty dern telling.
Look, if you two are meant to be together, than there's no harm in waiting. H and I met at 18 but were 25 before we got married; 25, and finished with our undergrad educations, in career track jobs, and living on our own with no parental support.
As nearly everyone has said - get a fuuking job, get your own GD apartment, and try living as an adult for at least a year or two before making any marriage decisions. Stop playing house in your boyfriend's mommy's and daddy's house, complaining that your teenage boyfriend didn't take you to the mall to buy you dinner at the food court and a new necklace from Claires.
I'm sorry that I took your comment the wrong way. I didn't see that it was intended to be a joke; I thought you were serious, but since it wasn't meant to be, I apologize.