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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: I need HELP with my momma's boy fiance!!!
An 18 year old noncom makes no money.
Keep that in mind.
Since nobody else seems to be nice enough to tell you what you want to hear, here goes:
You *do* know everything about life at 18. Teenage love will conquer all. The wedding band *does* have a secret magic that will suddenly turn your normal 18-year-old kid of a FI into a mature, responsible, independent adult--in an instant. And all the mature, responsible, independents adults in your life and responding to this thread just don't know you and your FI and exactly how strong and real your teenage love is.
there, is that what you wanted to hear? Hate to tell you, it's all lies.
What? If I don't financially need my SO then the only thing we have is sex and amusement, and it will never last? (I think you're forgetting about, well, everything else that bonds two people together).
Are you actually saying that the only way I can ensure that our love and commitment stays strong is to need his money and vice versa?
Please explain. This would actually be hilarious if you weren't giving this advice to an impressionable and naive 18 year old.
Plus, an 18-year-old enlisted private is often not even authorized to take a dependent with him on many tours. Obviously when he is deployed, PP will not be going with him, but neither will she be allowed to go for short-term training (of which there are many when one first enlists) or to certain non-combat posts, such as Korea, or any post at which he has to live in barracks... during which time she will be back to living in MIL's house, unless she wises up and decides to further her own education...
Oops! Didn't mean for anyone to take my meaning to be only finances, although I see now how you came to that conclusion. I do think that couples should view both incomes as "theirs" vs. "mine & yours," but that's another topic for discussion.
What is even more important is the emotional need for each other. I don't mean a babyish "needy," mindset, either. If either marriage partner finds their emotional comfort primarily in their parent/parents, (i.e. heat-to-hearts, etc.) then there is no way that a marriage can grow or succeed. If FI is confiding more in mommy than his supposed bride, then do you really think he'll stop after the wedding? Husbands and wives need to find their greatest emotional fulfillment in each other. That's not to say that friends & family have no place, but your spouse really should be your no.1 confidant.
how much more perfectly could this have been put? seriously. little girl of 18: you will exactly NOT listen to any person's advice on here, you will exactly make the wrong decisions, and you will EXACTLY look back on these posts and others' advice including your parents and realize how right everyone was...and how wrong you were. but that is life....enjoy it!
Bahahahaha!
There's nothing wrong with marrying your HS sweetheart...when you've gotten a few years of life experience under your belt. MH and I started dating our senior year and got married at 23. Still young, but it was worlds away from 18.
I truly believe that one of the reasons we were able to stay together is because we were able to have our space to grow and develop into adults without the pressure of forever. We went to college and lived on our own (with roommates) before we lived together and then got married.
A few years will make a significant difference, even if you can't see it now. If you were "meant to be" then you'll still be meant to be in a few years.
With all that being said...getting married will absolutely NOT make dealing with issues any easier. It doesn't fix anything. It is very important that you realize that.
Even if you weren't young, the ladies on here would be telling you that you don't have a MIL problem, but you have a FI problem. Unless he continually takes your side and steps up communication to his mom which lets her know that she is important, but you come first then honestly... he will always value her above you and the advice would be MOVE ON.
And at 18, to get a parent to treat you as an adult is really hard. And if your parents kicked you out because you are with him... I know it just drove you further into his arms, but are you really, really sure that this is the guy that you want to be 18 with, and 36 and 56 and 86??? Are you sure that you really want this military lifestyle??? Think long term that is what everyone is begging you to do.
Most of us have been through many years of life and experience and no one means to belittle you. We remember being in your shoes. Hell, at 18 I dated a loser that my mom refused to recognize and we broke up a few months later, THANK GOODNESS. I didn't know myself enough to know what I wanted in a lifetime partner and only knew that I wanted someone to date right then.
Honestly, I met my now DH at 23 and we dated 6 years before getting married, but lived together for 4 and a half. We lived on our own. I had been through enough to know a really good man when I saw one. And I knew that he supported me above and beyond anyone else... especially to his parents when push came to shove.
You are so young and the world is out there waiting for you. Go experience life for yourself and stay together... just because you aren't married, doesn't mean you aren't choosing to spend your life with him right now. And that way you can make sure that he and this life is what you REALLY want for yourself. Why rush???
Telling her to wait until they can afford to live on their own? Until she has had a college education? Until they can afford to support themselves is harsh? I call it reality, welcome to it! Children should not get married, regardless of the specific couple.
I absolutely agree with everything said here. At 18, you have so much ahead of you. There should be no rush for you to get married. If he really is "the one", he will still be "the one" in a few years, after you have both had time to grow individually and together. I honestly think if you get married now, you will regret it sooner rather than later.
I was madly in love with the person I dated at 18 and just knew I was going to marry him. Of course, it didn't happen, and he broke up with me shortly after I went to college. But it was a great thing because I was able to experience everything a young adult should. When I met my now DH, I knew I was going to marry him 6 months into the relationship, but at 21 I felt no rush at all. On our wedding day we had been together 4 years, lived together 3, were homeowners, and had a decent savings account. IMO, it makes married life much easier and happier when things are taken care of prior to walking down the aisle.
Seriously, don't wish your life away before you even have the chance to live it.
I'm really AM trying to be helpful here.
You should wait to get married until you're mature enough to understand the advice given to you...ACTUALLY understand it, not just think we're a bunch of old, bitter hags.
I'm not that much older than you are. I'm 23. I can tell you that I am a completely different person now than I was at 18. You really cannot begin to understand how much college, being financially independent, and living as an adult WILL change who you are as a person.
If you want to be "engaged", then fine...be "engaged". But don't get married at LEAST until you have a 4-year college degree and SOME kind of marketable skills...unless you want your career to involve saying "Do you want fries with that?" and relying on a man to keep a roof over your head and heat in your apartment.
Kudos to you for being pleasant and civil while some of these women are being so openly demeaning. It's difficult to 'prove' yourself as a rational and thoughtful person to a group that doesn't want to accept you because of your age. Having said that - your ticker indicates that you've been married for 6 months. Six months means very little in the course of a marriage, so there is a practical aspect to the disbelief being tossed your way.
I've been there. I was married at 18. It didn't work out for us, but our situation was not ideal. Even so, I was an intelligent and hardworking mother who ran my own household and made a 4.0 GPA in college. It is possible to be responsible at 18. It is possible to do the right things regardless of age or circumstance, just as it is possible to make the wrong choices and end up in a FUBAR situation at any age.
Let the haters hate. If you're happy, healthy and well, then I wish you continued happiness and prosperity regardless of how old you are.
As for the OP, well. Given your post, your best bet would most likely be to put this wedding on hold indefinitely. Give yourself some time to mature and grow as an individual. Repair your relationship with your family, if it can be repaired. Pursue the education or career that makes you happy and can provide for your needs. If you love your fiance, you have plenty of time to nourish your relationship and allow it to evolve into something that will truly last a lifetime.
Live on your own- by yourself- before you move in with any "man". You need to learn about you, and what you like- not what everybody tells you you like or what you should like, etc.
You need to go to school, get a job, and realize what it is like to live outside of the umbrella of family- it is a vastly different world when you take responsibility for your own actions and for your own life.
Don't be offended by these ladies- they are speaking the truth. If I'd married my high school sweetheart (whom I dated for 4 years), I would be a miserable person. We are two completely different people now- and that's what happens in your late teens /early 20s- when you leave home, you learn about you- and you grow. You have a lot of growing to do- don't jump into this.
Wow. Thank you! It has been a little difficult to get in on the boards, due to my age, or rather, common view thereof. But I'm up to the challenge! You're right, it's possible to be responsible at 18, just as much as it's possible to be irresponsible at 35. Thanks for a vote of confidence!
in her defense, i got married at 22 to a soldier and we lived in his father's house (we paid all the utilities and groceries though, so it was more like he was staying with us) until we got our own place. being young and not totally on your feet doesn't mean it's a TERRIBLE idea.
however, momma's boys are not marriage material. not to the extent this gentleman is. and living with your mother in law is almost ALWAYS a bad idea.
remember, always, through your whole life, that your mother loves you more than life itself and when she puts her foot down about something, it's for your best interest. she's been there, she's lived a lot more than you have, she knows and she's trying to protect her little girl. i say, listen to your mom and do what SHE says. because no stranger on the internet knows you a quarter as well as momma does.
just some advice.
Holy crap, obviously no one wants to give me advice that doesn't involve me dumping my fianc?. I don't understand it, is that how you all solve your problems? By running? Maybe you all wanted to spend ten years of your life alone, but I want to spend it with him. Does no one believe that eighteen year olds can be in love? If I can fall in love when I?m thirty why can't it happen now? Why would I leave a good guy just because we're young? I do plan on going to college and getting a job. I plan to do a lot with my life and contrary to popular belief being married won't stop me. Maybe I should stop asking you all for advice because you didn't really help. This actually sucked. You're not being wise; you're being spiteful and nasty. Thanks anyways.
I am only 23 and not an old bitter woman. I am a newlywed, but just like others have told you, MH and I Have been together for years and lived together for 2. He has been in the military the whole time. I think you should really take some time to consider if military life is for you. I know you want to spend the rest of your life with him but you dont have to get married to spend your life with him. Trust me deployments are not fun. I could never have made it through a deployment without the support of my family and it seems you will not have that support. I am not saying to leave him but you should see what this life is like before you jump in head first. It is much harder than you could possible imagine! Also living together on your own is a hard adjustment at first, I know you are living together now but it is much different when you are on your own and expected to take care of all the household responsibilities plus work full time and go to college 15 hours a week (that was my life when we moved in together.) Its hard work and exhausting!! Much harder than I think you realize!
Secondly, your FI is supposed to be one of your best friends and someone you confide in. If you can't tell him something without him running to mommy dearest and telling her that is a problem. MH is close with his Mom, they talk daily. But he would never tell her what we argue about or things about my family that I told him in confidence. To me that shows he has very little respect for you in general.