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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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mom's guilt trip from family about baby
I'm pretty tired of the guilt trips from family (IE MY MIL) about not seeing Milo. We live kind of busy lives and I am sorry that just because you ask to see him does not mean you will. And by whining you make me 100% more likely not to try to bend our schedules around. For the past 6 years I have been with P we saw his parents like at the most once a month sometimes just once every couple of months. Also she saw him two weekends ago.
Do you go out of you way to accommodate grandparents? Cancel plans? etc?
Re: mom's guilt trip from family about baby
No, I wouldn't cancel plans just because they asked to see him. We've told my IL's to call and let us know when they want to see him and we just ask that they give us at least a day's notice. They've only asked to see him like 4 times but yet his mom makes comments when she is over about how she never gets to see him.
My parents are easier because, well, I like and trust them. They are retired so they come down during the week and hang out with him while I have doctor appointments or just to give me a break so I can run errands. So, they get to see him once every two weeks or so.
If they were only available on the weekends to see him they would probably see less of him because DH works 6 days a week and we only get one day together as a family and I don't like to share those all the time.
We are lucky to have both of our families within about a 10 minute drive so they are close enough to come see the baby often.
There were issues when I was home on ML about the IL's only wanting to come over on weekends. Like Shannon said, that's our family time. If they are inflexible then they won't get to see her as much.
Also, we bought both sets of parents webcams and helped get them set up on Skype. I know it's probably ridiculous that we use Skype even though they live 6 miles away, but it's a quick and easy way for them to get to see her. We can do it after work or on a weekend morning or really anytime. It makes everyone happy.
I also obviously don't have kids but I can tell you that while we'll try to be accomidating, we will not break plans or create some ridiculous schedule just so anyone can see them.
However we see our families more than I care to anyway so I doubt it'll be an issue but like Shannon, I'm sure my mom will see them more often because I trust them in her care.
My little nuggets
i think skype is great. i don't have the patience to explain it to my mil. my parents on the other hand i need to set this up
We too don't have children yet, but I would not cancel plans so the ILs could see our child. I will try my best to be accomodating, as I know they do have a right to see the child, but they will have to understand we are adults living busy lives with lots of responsibilites, etc. We are in a very peculiar situation that I know will get interesting. DH's parents are divorced. DH and I work totally different work schedules. Though they live close by, MIL lives with DH's sister and her family who we do not talk to for various reasons. So, if she wanted to see our little one, she would have to come to our place which is only about a mile or two away, and she does not drive and has some health issues which would most likely prevent her from walking. More than likely, we will have to plan dinners or something at our place so she can spend time with the little one. FIL I know won't be an issue and would probably be content in seeing our little one once a month or so and we can actually go to his place.
Where I know this will get tricky is my parents are retired, and have already told me they will watch our little one during the day and want to versus putting the little one in day care. So I know the comments will be passed about well, your parents have the baby 5 days a week, etc.
Therefore, you are not wrong in anyway for feeling the way you do.
You know, I can't say that this has ever happened to us because I cannot think of even one time where MIL or FIL was like, "Oh, I'd like to see H sometime." MIL went about 4-5 years without seeing or asking about our son because she went BSC and FIL comes down to our house more often than I'd like but only so he can do what he needs to get done down here... not to see our son. He'll come down because he needs DH to fix his truck or to go hunting. Things like that. I think at this point MIL and FIL have so many grandkids that they just don't care anymore.
My mom on the other hand lives close to us and we see her often. We also lived with my parents for the first 4.5 years of our son's life and so they got to see him every day. Them seeing him obviously wasn't an issue but MIL and FIL don't care. They are in it for themselves most to all of the time.
Um, no. I do not cancel plans just for family to see the baby.
After this past year, The Numbers family is eternally indebted to my parents. My mom comes to our house to watch him for 2.5 days a week. She watches him there, or takes him to her place, or to the zoo or the mall. She is a part-time retired SAHM! I told her she should start an internet based group for other nanas who do this.
Because of this arrangement, and just because we like my parents, my dad see him a lot too.
As for my inlaws, I am not down with excessive trips to the nether regions of NJ for no reason. They can call us if they want. If for some reason my mom has a scheduling conflict AND DH is working from home, we will call his mom to see if she wants to come over. But for a number of reasons, she isn't watching him alone, nor will she ever be alone with my cats.
However, at the end of the day I am a selfish, so we will probably see them more this summer so I can use them for their beach condo.
RE: CATS my mil is not allowed to watch my child period. but she is not allowed to watch him by my cats, because she is known to let cats escape and not know how to handle them. i would rather pay a babysiter who is well equip to handle both.
4 is 3 weeks old and there are plenty of people in dh's family that have not seen him and don't have plans to see him. if there are folks in my family that haven't seen him yet- we have plans set for them to meet the baby. dh's feelings have been a little hurt by this but i don't want to tell my family no because some of his are being silly.
we live where we live, i am home all day every day at this point. come on down! if you choose not to, we will see you when we see you. we have plans and a schedule so if we can fit it in, great. if not, we will try the next time we are up in the area.
if you don't see them, ignore the phone calls and you don't have to hear about it either.... i am a horrible person.
For my parents no, because they live 10 minutes away and would see him all the time. They are also super chill and laid back so they are welcome to come to our house whenever they want. My brothers and their GF's come to all Chase's baseball games and school events. In the summer we are all together at the beach anyway. They get plenty of Chase time.
As long as its not a set in stone type of event we are tied into, we always move our schedules for DH's family. They never make demands of our time, though will remind us its been a while since we have been up. They are really great.
It works out well because all our friends are around DH's parents house so they will keep Chase so we can see our friends. MIL likes us to hang for a while to see us then leave Chase with her so she can spoil him. She likes taking him to church and showing him off. He behaves because he knows theres a sugar filled trip to DnD if hes good.
It will be the same way if another kid comes along.
True story, we found out she was shutting the cats in the basement -- no food, water or litter.
I also have to add that if MIL got on my nerves or we didnt have a good relationship, I would never change my plans for them. Demands on MY childs time does not sit well with me.
Thankfully I lucked out in the IL department.
I am soooo curious what will happen when we have a second.
My hunch, since I already produced one that is a boy, my inlaws will ignore the second.
Haha! My Mom has already said, and quote "It's going to be a bloodbath!" RE: first grandchild and competing grandparents.
honestly though even more then one doesn't stop the grabbing. there are 3 on each side for p and i and there is still grabbing for the babies. true story at his christening p's mom took m right out of my mother's arms didn't ask took. i thought my mom was gonna kill.
My dad totally hogged him at the party and my MIL just hovered but wouldn't take him so I felt bad and felt like I had to referee. When I was changing his diaper I had both mom's trying to "help" me. I change his diaper all by myself multiple times a day and your added help is only making the process take longer. I know I probably sound like a total biatch but it makes me nuts.
hell no i get help like that too. i'm a real *** because i say omg what do i do all day without so much input
I will say that nursing is a great way to save your baby from the pass around.
I was very worried at L's baptism last weekend that she would get totally overwhelmed by the # of people who wanted to hold her. It wasn't too bad but anytime she seemed like she was getting upset, I'd take her into a side room to 'feed' her.
No one would come with me b/c they didn't want to see boob. I wasn't feeding her every time but it was a good excuse to pull her away and let her chill a little bit. Every time she'd fuss at the party, there would be like 4 people in her face going, "OOOHHH DON'T CRYYYYY. WHAAAAAAT'S WROOOOOONG?!?!?!"
I thought to myself, well get the eff out of her face and she'll stop crying.
Funny. At M's Christening, my MIL actually said to my mother, "I get him all day since you see him more."
MIL: "Relax, Amy. He is just crying. That is what babies do, you know."
Five minutes later in the kitchen, DH to me: "Thank you for hosting Easter, you are doing great."
Me: " off. This is the last Easter these assholes of yours ever get on my watch."
My parents live about 1 1/2 away and see him every 2-3 weeks
IL's live a half hour away and see him every 2 - 3 months - I have to add this is probably not normal but neither are the IL's
We get huge guilt trips already because we live so far away. Thankfully everyone understands that I will not be Motel 6 after I give birth - it is one at a time and my parents are first. We don't have to worry about changing plans, but I'm going to have to figure out how to combat the guilt; I'm pretty sure it's going to get much worse.
DD: 6-24-11
EDD: 9-20-14
I will say, I have zero guilt about how much anyone sees DS.
People try to guilt us, but really, if they weren't assholes we would enjoy hanging out with them and would see them more often.
I feel more guilty about missing some bartenders I haven't visited in over a year.
My parents see her at least once a week. His parents once every few weeks. My parents have a way more flexible schedule and also do the dreaded 'we're in the car on our way down' phone call. His parents have better boundaries but are less flexible.