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Outcasted by MIL- (long)
When DH and I first started dating his family seemed great. We did a lot of things as one big family. I started getting really close to his step mother. Considering that I was not close to my own family this was a plus. However, a few months into our relationship DH asked me to step back from his step mother. I didn't know then what I know now which is that Dh and his step mother never got along.
After a while of hanging together his SM starting showing her true colors. Of course I wanted things to go so well with her b/c she was my soon to be MIL at the time. Well DH went upstate for a job that lasted nine months. I stayed in town to get our condo ready for when he came back. It was then that his SM started "hating" me. I don't know what I did to this woman but when FIL invited me over to dinner a few nights (three times out of the month) while DH was still upstate she started indirectly insulting me. At first I thought I was being over sensitive but I slowly came to realize what she was doing. It started out with her cutting me off in every sentence then it went from her criticizing anything about me. For example we used to share perfumes and make up but when I went to share some with her she would say, "Oh I can?t smell like you" or "Now why would I want that". I was confused and hurt by it but I never told DH b/c I didn?t want him worrying about me while he was upstate. But it got worse. I went to see his grandmother for her birthday. She was usually really nice to me but this day that I came she began to gossip about me in my face. I was hurt and confused again until I heard her say SMILs name. After a while I heard from one of his cousins that she was spreading lies about me. His whole family would never talk to me after that. They thought that I thought I was above them (they are from a rural part of town).
When DH came back SMIL tried to be nice to me and act like nothing had happened. But I couldn't bring myself to speak to her. I even hated going to dinner at their house b/c it brought back memories. At first Dh thought that everything was blown out of proportion and that I was being unreasonable but after I told him the real story (a year later) he said he understood. That is when I found out why he disliked her so much. I asked him never to bring me to that house again. I thought he would listen but he did know such thing.
He waited a few months and then started going over with me in the car. At first I would sit in the car and wait on him but then she would say I was being rude and mean. So I started to come in the house (mainly to speak to FIL) but when she would try to play nice I could reciprocate. She finally got mad to the point she told DH that I wasn?t welcome there anymore. But when we leave from somewhere he always stops by while I have to sit in the car while they cook out or hang out. He doesn?t get how I feel or he doesn?t care. What should I do? I am confused.
Re: Outcasted by MIL- (long)
I'll bite - How old are you?
Why would you tolerate this behavior from your DH?
Why don't you just stay home while he vists?
What should you do? Are you serious?
Your husband is a jerk. Why would you want to be spend time with someone - let alone be married to someone - who would leave you sitting in the car while they visit with people who don't like you?
Your husband is every bit as wrong and insulting as his step-mother is.
You sit in the car while your H has a cookout with his family? If my H ever tried to pull that crap he would know that if it every happened again we'd be getting a divorce. If he thinks that this is all 100% your fault then he should address that with you and find a solution, but leaving you in the car is completely disrespectful and shows that he clearly has very little concern for you.
ETA: If I were in your shoes and my SMIL had showed her true colors, then I would be polite to her, no more, no less. Refusing to ever go to her house shows that you have as little concern for your husband as he has for you. An adult would at least attempt to be around her, while keeping her at arm's length. There is a happy medium between being BFF's and refusing to ever speak to/see her.
I agree with everyone else - you H needs to grow a pair and stand up for you.
Don't go over there. He can go by himself if he chooses to go.
Not that this really matters, but where is your FIL in this? Why isn't he standing up to his wife when she hurts his son and DIL? I'm just curious.
FET - transferred two embryos (boy and girl) - Nov 2014 - BFP!
If your MIL is being rude your H needs to step up and talk to her about it. If she says that you are not welcome in her house he needs to let her know that you come as a pair and if you are not accepted then he won't be coming either.
At the same time I don't understand why you would be rude back but not just ask her why she's treating you like she is?
I am 27. Idk honestly I thought he was getting the picture. Today I told him that I was tired of talking about something that he is content to ignore. He handles how she treated him (much the same as she?s doing me) by acting like she doesn't exist. I told him that if he didn't straighten up that he should leave. Well he's gone to work. I'll see what happens when he gets off (works 2nd shift). Most of the time we are leaving from somewhere else when he decides to stop by.
Every single bit of this.
What's wrong with pretending? I don't like my in-laws, but I love my H and out of respect to him I'm pleasant to them on the few occasions that I have to see them. While your H should not allow them to be rude to you, it's ridiculous that they invite you over and you can't even bring yourself to speak to her when they invite you over. Who cares if they're fake as long as they're nice to you?
That being said, your H is still an ass for how he's handling the situation.
This is the part that bugs me. If you are in the car and you can not go into the house then that is NOT an appropriate time for him to visit (even if it's only to see his FIL). He either needs to visit when you are not in the car or he needs to let them know that you will be coming into that house and that when you do you will be respected. Him leaving you in the car is ridiculous and rude.
I'm not even going to touch the stuff with your SMIL as it is completely besides the point.
Your H intentionally goes to a place that you are not welcome and leaves you in the car. He is making clear he doesn't give a damn about you or your feelings. Most people treat their animals better than that. I would divorce him in a hot minute.
First... I agree with most of people here, except for the one who said it's okay pretending.. if they make it clear that they don't like you, why would you just play nice and let them be fake, create lies and s*** about you? This is wrong, if you do that.
That woman is being a b*tch, and I wouldn't tolerate that... if FIL doesn't want to get involved, that means he's been dealing with that crazy woman for years and now it just doesn't matter for him.. ''as long as its not with me, I'm fine''... If you're not welcome at her house anymore, whatever.. you have your own house, so, make sure they're not welcome to your house anymore too. Simple.
And now, worse part... Husband. What in the hell is wrong with him? Leave you in the car while he's having ''fun'' with his family? COME ON! That'd never happen to me, either I'd be staying at home or as soon as he tells me that he'll stop by and leave me in the car I'd be telling him.. ''Hey, if you stop there and leave me in the car, you better find a taxi to go home, because I'm not gonna wait in the car for you while you socialize with the woman that has been doing s*** to me.'' and that's it.. He'll either agree with you and don't do that anymore or he'll find a taxi to take him home or wherever you two are going.
If I was you, I wouldn't even try to be civil with them.. if she doesn't want to address the problem to you, and keep the gossip and lies why in the world would you keep being ''nice'' to her? If even your H doesn't like her, why would you have to stand her?
Address it to your H, and if he keeps playing this game he's an a**. He should be concerned about you, and not his stepmother's gossip s***.
Good luck.
Exactly, this is a horrible way to treat you. Just horrible.
Are you going to listen to any of us?
Are you going to stop defending that moron you married?
Are you going to stop allowing him to disrespect you?
Are you going to allow him to have all this power over your life?
Are you going to grow a set and tell him and her to go F themselves?
Your MIL is not the probelm here...your H is. You have allowed him to get away with all this and he really doesnt give a crap about you.
You sit in the car....WTF is wrong with you???
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Taking you to her house and expecting you to interact with her is not acting like she doesn't exist. Stopping by her house when you are on your way home from somewhere else is not acting like she doesn't exist. Going to a cook-out with her while you sit in the car is not acting like she doesn't exist.
This doesn't make any sense. He asked you to distance yourself from her because he isn't close to her, but he continues to spend time with her even through she has been rude to you?
Ask him why he feels it's okay for her and the rest of the family to treat you this way, and why he continues to reward her for her childish behavior by going to her house.
Do you have your own set of keys? If not, make a copy so you have your own.
The next time your DH "leaves you in the car," drive off and go wherever you are planning to go. Leave your H with his family. Do not drive around and pick him up later, just go to your destination and follow through on your plans for the evening.
Then let him deal with the consequences of leaving you in the car. He can take a bus, have his family drive him home, or whatever.
The next time he sees you, tell him that he is welcome to move back with smil and dad because you're not taking that sh*t any longer, and if his family "hates you" and "thinks you are mean," they haven't seen anything yet.
He doesn't have the nuts to stand up to his step-mother (and the rest of his family) and tell them that he is not going anywhere where his wife is not welcome.
It's easier for him to watch you get hurt than it is for him to be a man and fix the situation. Instead of doing what's right and what will make YOU happy, he's chosen the easy way out, which is to ignore it. Even if you get hurt in the process.
You're never going to come first in his life. His main concern here is keeping the peace and not putting himself in an uncomfortable situation. One of you had to make a sacrifice in this situation, and he's chosen to put that burden on you so that he doesn't have to take on the responsibility of fixing his awful family's behavior.
Either accept that that will be the rest of your life with him and continue to be second-best, or get out of this marriage and put yourself first.
DH called on break saying that he thought long and hard with his clothes in the trunk of his car. He apologized for not really thinking about how I felt. He said he thought that MIL and I were going to talk it before this. But in the end he said he had no excuse just that he promised to not do it again. Idk whether I really believe him. I want to but its time to get smart I put how everyone else feels in front of myself. MIL called and had the audacity to say she had no idea I felt that way and that I shouldnt let her "old ways" bother me so much. I don't know what type of backhanded excuse that was b/c it was not an apology- but what can I expect from her.
"Clothes in the trunk" = he was thinking of leaving you over this? Hoo boy. I don't blame you for not believing him when he said he won't do it again. It would REALLY hurt me if I were you, and if he even gave a thought to leaving me for his mommy.
If it were me, I wouldn't take it at face value either. I would expect to see him follow through with this promise the next time he's invited to MIL's house, and refuse to go unless you are also invited and if you will be treated with respect the entire time. I might also see a counselor to help you guys work through this (or go by yourself if your husband refuses, to help you learn how to deal with it if your husband lets you down on this promise).
Who did MIL call, your husband or you? If she called your husband, what did he say (hopefully nothing less than, "Apoligize sincerely to my wife and treat her with respect, otherwise you won't be seeing me anymore")? If she called you, why did you pick up the phone in the first place? Anyway, what did you say in response to her call?
Ditto PP - where is your FIL in all this? Is he also being nasty to you, or is he a wimp and not getting involved?
Maybe pregnancy hormones are making me extra b!tchy, but no way in hell would I stay married to a man that needs to be kicked out & threatened with divorce to realize that he's treating me like sh!t.
Seriously, he is either beyond clueless or he just doesn't give a fvck about your feelings unless you're threatening him with divorce.
Beyond that I just would not believe him. He will likely be better for a while until he's sure you're going to stay with him, then he'll go right back to putting his family ahead of you.
I told her that she knew exactly what she had done b/c she mentioned her "old ways". I told her that I wanted an apology from her but that didn't mean that I was going to take her crap just b/c she is his SM. Then I told her I was busy and I'd call her. I think I am going to take the advice of one of the ladies on here to keep her at arms length. I really don't know what to say to her.
I'm getting a completely different feel for this. I'm thinking that if she went home then she wouldn't be able to stew in the car and make sure that everyone knew how much she hated them.
Think about it. She says "I couldn't let them treat me like that," " I gave him his clothes," "I told him to go to his own room until I want to talk..."
This isn't a lady who has an issue standing up for herself.