Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Husband secretly taped sex
I was having "relations" with my husband on Saturday and a few minutes into I looked up and saw that he had hidden a video camera in a bag on top of the dresser. He was secretly taping us having sex. At first I was numb but then I got mad and felt sick and violated and disgusted. This is so out of character for him. He said he did it because I never want to have sex and it was his way of getting close to me in the future when I rejected him. It's true, I hate sex. It doesn't feel good and sometimes it hurts so doing it is a major chore for me. I know he feels rejected and I feel just awful about that. I cry every day because I can't please him and because I don't get to enjoy something everyone else in the world loves so much. It's all very depressing. I've been to two doctors who have examined me and said nothing is wrong physically. They suggested more foreplay which hasn't helped. I feel bad my husband is deprived but secretly taping me is disgusting!
I really need help. I don't know what to do. I'm disgusted by him and haven't talked to him in two days. We yelled and talked after it happened and got everything out but now I'm so disgusted I don't want to be at home with him. Do I leave him over something like this? Do we go to counseling? Will it help? We are 35 and have no kids but have been talking about trying. We've been dating since we were 20, and married for 8 years. He's the only person I've ever been with so I have no idea what's it's like to be with someone else. Perhaps I'm just not attracted to him sexually and need to move on to spare both of us. I don't know what to do.
A few years ago he confessed he had a drinking problem and I was livid because he'd lied to me numerous times about it. I was upset that he lied then and now this has me thinking I don't really know my husband. I forgave him for lying about the drinking because it's a disease and he immediately sought help and hasn't had a drink since.I sound like such trailer trash and am so embarrassed about this. I can't talk to anyone I know because I'm ashamed. We're both college grads, have good jobs, live in the burbs in a nice house and try to lead a normal life. Now my life has been turned upside down! I certainly never envisioned dealing with something like this in my life.
I'm freaking out. I started to call the free counseling number at work but I hung up because I was too embarrassed. I don't want to talk to someone about this. It's horrifying to me. I don't know what to do. Am I overreacting? Every other day my husband is a polite, loving, sweet, wonderful, caring guy but I can't bear to be around him right now. I feel betrayed. I feel very alone. Part of me wants to try to work this out but part of me wants to move on. I'm just really scared to move on because I'm 35 and I'm getting to old to have kids and starting over right now would prolong that even more. I'd have to leave my house, decide who gets the cats, divide all our belongings and deal with everything associated with that. I don't know what to do. Please share any advice you can. I'm really alone and scared and freaking out. Thank you!
Re: Husband secretly taped sex
Sorry, but to me, this IS something to get divorced over. He's already lied to you about a drinking problem, now this. My trust would be irrevocably broken and I'd be so disgusted that I wouldn't be able to look at him, much less let him touch me.
And I started over at 41. It's not as bad as you think.
I would be upset about the secret taping, but it is better than cheating. You say you do not like sex & have been checked by two doctors...i would suggest a sex therapist. There is an underlying issue that needs to be figured out. I know you mentioned you do not want to speak to anyone, but if you want your marriage to work, i would take the steps to do so. He thought of you enough to admit to his drinking problem & made steps to stop it. Can you do the same for him?
I do not agree with pp. Lying is a big no-no & can break a trust, but i do not think it warrants a divorce. There are worse things that would cause it. If you really love him, see a therapist, work on it and figure it out. I hope it all works out for you.
Whatever you do, don't have kids right now.
He's lied to you in the past, you forgave him. Now, he broke your trust again. Also, he did it in a way that is a criminal act. I'm sorry but I would NOT stick around with someone like that. You deserve someone who will treat you with respect and that will be open and honest with you. On the kids front, there's always adoption. Lots of kids out there need a good and loving home.
What? For better or for worse does not compute when you married a douche. And yes...she should be SOOOOOOO happy he'd rather get off on her taped than porn? WTF?
OP - don't listen to the nut job.
If you are unhappy, consider personal therapy. Work out your feelings. I would also get another rec from a doctor...keep going until you find one that listens...you may have vaginismus or something similiar. I have this and still have an amazing sex life...it took work, but I'm happy now.
I would also consider AA...it will help you either cope with the alcoholic husband, or heal when you divorce.
Finally, you have the right to your feelings. You felt violated. Period. Don't try to talk yourself out of how you feel.
But she didn't marry a douche, she made that perfectly clear. I would be flattered if my husband wanted to tape us; but it's something you need to consent to. I agree that he was wrong to do so. This is my opinion, this is what the OP asked for. Advice and opinions on the situation. Why don't you let me have mine and you can have yours? No need for name calling.
Ugh.
This is disturbing and he is disturbed.
This makes him a creep, a peeping tom and a criminal -- this is an invasion of privacy! Remember what happened to the kid from Rutgers.
If you have a copy of that tape, save it as evidence --- put it in a safe place, like a safety deposit box in a bank -- I'd press criminal charges. Who knows what other tapes there might be and who knows who else somewhere he might have taped also?
He needs professional help...and you neet to get out now.
Sorry for your troubles.
So, violating your trust and lying is not grounds for divorce?
I honesty pity anyone that thinks this is an acceptable thing to put up with.
OP - you admitted that part of the reason that you are still married is because you are afraid to leave. Don't get stuck in that spot, go see a counselor and have an educated third party tell you that is illegal and disrespectful and help you plan a way out.
Thanks ladies for your advice. I really need it. We have sex maybe 4-6 times a month so it's not NEVER. I will talk to a doctor but I'm just really struggling with what to do. It's hard too not having the support of my family or friends. I just can't talk to them about this. My mom is wonderful with many things but she has never been someone I can go to with any problems. She is always so dramatic, "I can't handle this right now." Well I'm living with a problem, not you and I can deal with it but you can't? That's a whole other Oprah.
I'm trying to smile.
You've given me A LOT to ponder. It's funny, seeing people call him a douche upset me a little because that is not a word anyone on this planet has ever used to describe him. He is a bigger gentleman than anyone on the planet - he was until Saturday anyway. He no longer drinks. He was good about getting it under help but again, the lying is what I had a problem with. Ugh! I feel sick!!! SICK SICK SICK!
THIS!!!!!!!
And as for the pain, I have something called Interstitial Cystitis, which causes severe pain during sex. I don't know if your doctor has looked into this, but you may want to ask about it.
Emergency surgery to remove right tube. 01/21/12 BFP 09/28/12 Our hearts melted when we met our beautiful baby girl!!!
Excuse me???
So you think that taping sex without his wife's consent is dandy....just so long as he's not putting the boots to another person.
What part of creepy, he's mentally disturbed, unlawful and illicit and felony do you not get?
Go get your head examined.
I am so sorry you are going through this. If DH did something like that, I would just feel sick. But, if this is something that is out of character for your husband, I would seek marital counseling.
I know, I know, many women on the bump boards would say to divorce him or move out. But I believe marriages are "until death do us part," under most circumstances. Situations like this are not entirely black and white. That is why talking about it with a counselor (a regular therapist about trust issues and a sex therapist for those issues) would be helpful. If you don't get anywhere along that route, then I would start to consider your other options.
On a different note, have you heard of vaginismus? I had a moderate case of it and it sounds like what you describe. Have your doctors ever mentioned it too you?
DS: age 4
DD: age 2
Currently pregnant with our 3rd!
1.) If you want to save the marriage then couples therapy, sex therapy & LOTS of rebuilding of trust/intimacy. That is IF you choose or want to save the marriage. Honestly, this plus the other issues you've mentioned would be a deal breaker for me if they just kept happening.
2.) Where you sexually abused, assaulted or had any other sexual trauma? Is the pain during sex & bleeding new? Not everyone enjoys sex, but there are at least half that do. Have you tried some therapy for yourself to see if there might be some emotional or psychological reason that sex is so overwhelmingly painful for you? Often pain during sex (without a physical cause) can be a manifestation of underlying emotional trauma with sex. For your own sake, find a good sex therapist and talk to someone about it. They may be able to help you work it out where other traditional methods have failed. Just to clarify, I don't think you are "crazy" or anything of the sort. Simply that its another option to try.
Good luck.
I'm less concerned with the "he taped us having sex and that freaked me out" as I am the "I hate sex and he constantly feels rejected because doing it is a chore for me."
It's fine to be indifferent to sex. Everyone is wired differently, sex drives vary from person to person, etc.etc. What's not okay is, when you're an asexual person and you demand monogamy from someone who is not asexual. It's your job as an asexual person to have romantic relationships exclusively with other asexuals, or not at all. It's not unfair to, when you marry someone, expect them to want to have sex with you every now and again.
It was a douche move to turn on a video camera without telling you. It's a violation of trust, and it's just icky. I'm guessing his excuse was something made up on the spot because he was embarrassed for having been found out. He was probably afraid to ask you if he could, he probably assumed you'd say no and was trying to get away with it. Whatever. Again, I'm more worried that you're HIGHLY sexually incompatible.
Please don't have kids. Not right now, at least. Don't make this any more complicated than it already is. Don't have kids just because your clock is ticking. Worst case scenario, you pass your fertile years and adopt. There are plenty of kids out there who need loving parents. It's much better to do that than bring innocent kids into a withering home.
Call the counselor line, or find one not associated with your work... don't be embarrassed. It's not an ideal situation, but getting it out is a step toward bettering your life. Good luck.
Ok- This is a big deal because you feel violated however in my opinion I would not jump to divorce unless you aren't happy in your marriage. You need to talk to him about this, tell him how it made you feel, ask him if he's done it before. So many people just jump to divorce (myself included) and in some circumstances yes- it's necessary. But you said in this that you think he is an amazing man who is polite and this is out of character.
Lying is a HUGE deal to me, huge- so you need to tell him how you feel about that, that he broke your trust again and it's going to take a long long time to get it back. I suggest sex therapy for you. If it's painful there could be a problem, if you just don't feel into it ever, then you may not be sexually attracted to him. He needs counseling by himself and you both need it together (if you want to work this out). If my husband did that to me- I'm not sure how I would feel. I'd be glad that he was watching that and not porn, that's for sure but I would yell at him and tell him to not do it again without my consent. I def wouldn't get divorced over it.
GL and hope you guys get it figured out! Also you dont have to justify that you are good people with good education because this kind of stuff can happen to anyone, doesn't matter who they are. Just realize that you guys have a problem- and it's ok- people might be more understanding then you realize.
She's not asexual or indifferent to sex. Sex is painful for her. Big difference. Would you want to have sex if it caused you a lot of pain? Would you want to have sex with someone who was in a lot of pain when they had sex? To me, if I was with someone who had a lot of pain during sex, I would not want to have sex with them because I would not want to cause them pain. He's a creep because he continues to make her feel bad because she has pain during sex and therefore is not into sex.
Someone video taping me having sex without first getting my consent is a mood killer...I would NOT want to have sex with that person anymore and it sure wouldn't be because I didn't like sex. It would be because I am not into having sex with people that I do not trust.
OP, you have every right to feel hurt and violated. Please get help.
Ok, so you aren't sure about the big D. That is ok. All this just happened and you are confused. You say he has been a gentleman up to this point, but really think about it. Has he really been a perfect gentleman, or do you want him to be one?
I don't know your marriage. Just know that you deserve to have a mate that you trust and you respect. It is not just about love. Don't make excuses for him and put yourself first in this situation. What he did was wrong. I still think you should consider some counseling (joint, or individual).
Also, as someone with an alcoholic ex H, that is not something that goes away over night. Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic. Those urges never go away. That mind set is there forever. You need to prepare yourself for that should you choose a life with him.
Not wanting to have sex because it causes you intense pain does NOT = asexual.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. There are a number of things that may be going on here. I'm obviously not a doctor but I dealt with extreme pain during sex for years (wasn't able to even have sex before getting surgery) and was told all kinds of things by doctors who didn't want to deal with it. I was told I was a control freak, that I needed more foreplay, lube, numbing cream, etc. There IS a solution out there for you and you WILL be able to have a satisfying sex life (with or without your current H if that's what you decide) if you don't take no for an answer.
I agree with everyone who wants you to take the counseling route. You need a marriage counselor for the two of you (whether or not you ultimately decide to stay in the marriage, which is 100% your call), a sex therapist, a GYN who is willing to do whatever it takes to figure out why sex is painful for you and perhaps a personal counselor who can help you sift through all the craziness you're dealing with.
Dude WTF is wrong with you??? Are you KIDDING with this response???!!!???!!!
Because your opinion is AWFUL!!!! Yes, you are unfortunately entitled to it....it's just an awful opinion.
First off, I am so sorry that you were violated in that way, your husband should have asked for your consent before making the tape, but that is neither here nor there at this point. Secondly, while I am sure all the ladies here have nothing but the best of intentions, remember that these are only opinions. It is very easy for outsiders whom the situation doesn't affect to tell you what you should or should not do. That being said, you must dig deep within yourself and make an honest assesment of your marriage as well as what direction you want to go in. Whatever you chose, know that you are right in your own feelings. Your husband gave you no option in being taped, but now the ball is totally in your court in terms of how you move forward. Although, I think that it's a bit odd that he secretly taped you, I will not lump him into the creep catorgory based on a single incident. You more than anybody know your husband---even if he did throw you for a loop in this particular case. My suggetion is to take some time off for yourself, let the intial shock and rawness wear off, and then when your mind is clear, do whatever you need to do to be happy. I wish you nothing but the best!
*sorry for any typos, I'm at work and in a rush* ;-)
The fact is, you are very aware that you have an issue with sex. Something is causing that, and you may benefit from help in the future. Finding out you were secretly being taped IN NO WAY helps that situation with the sex! It just makes it worse! If you HAD been in therapy for it, this incident could've set back ANY progress you may have made.
It is NOT ok that he did this. I can;t say I would divorce...but I would definitely get couples counseling as well as help with whatever may be causing you despair with your personal issue with sex. Not for him...but for YOUR well being. Sex is just ONE part of a healthy relationship. But ALL parts need to be healthy for it to work. This proves he has no understanding of what you are going through, and again, probably just made the whole situation worse!