Sex & Romance
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Re: Husband secretly taped sex
Sorry to quarrel, but this is what I read:
"He said he did it because I never want to have sex ... It's true, I hate sex. It doesn't feel good and sometimes it hurts so doing it is a major chore for me. I know he feels rejected and I feel just awful about that. I cry every day because I can't please him and because I don't get to enjoy something everyone else in the world loves so much."
Apologies if I didn't take the "sometimes it hurts" to mean "I feel like I'm being split in two every time a penis is within three feet of me." For most women, sex sometimes hurts. If you aren't sufficiently lubricated/aroused, if you're in an odd position, if something slips. In that situation, as the other party, you go, "Ooh! I'm sorry! Are you okay?" and you adjust.
I read more of "I find sex boring and I feel like I'm missing out because I'm indifferent to what most people find to be the most exciting thing ever." This would be asexual, or would round up to asexual, in my opinion. Thus, someone who isn't interested in having sex with their partner shouldn't be with someone who IS interested in having sex with their partner. It sounded to me that he wanted to have sex, but she was continually just "not in the mood." So thank you for jumping down my throat.
Agreed that recording her without her consent is vile and is a complete violation of her trust. That was a total a-hole move on his part.
Again, thanks for all the responses. Let me try to clarify some things in case it matters. Sex does not hurt all the time and it is not excruciating. Jennocide you are right, only certain positions hurt. Missionary is pretty much the most painless position for me. Anything too much out of the norm starts to hurt. Maybe the pain I feel is normal for everyone. There are just certain positions that hurt. I can never orgasm without being touched at the same time. Sorry if that's TMI. Perhaps he's just bad in bed and that's all there is to it. Maybe I am.
I have never been sexually assaulted, I come from a loving home with a wonderful family. I have a great relationship with my parents and have had no sexual trauma in my life. If anything I've had limited sexual experience which may be part of the problem. I was an idiot and waited until I got married to have sex and now I'm wondering if we hadn't waited if we would have known whether we were compatible. My friend got pregnant at 14 and it FREAKED me out. I didn't want that to happen to me and I had such bad luck and knew if I did it before I got married I'd end up pregnant too. We were great together in college. We did everything but have sex. I wanted to fool around all the time. I think birth control pills killed my libido. I stopped taking them several years ago and my libido did improve a little after I stopped but it never returned to what it was before I stopped taking them. As I'm typing this things are coming to mind that really never stood out before. We use condoms because birth control pills were not helping our situation. I also donated one of my kidneys and that surgery ended up being REALLY hard on my body. There was a noticeable decrease in bedroom activity after that as well.
My job is EXTREMELY stressful and I'm always exhausted when I come home. I work a ton of hours in the summer too. We've suffered numerous losses in our family over the past few years as well - his dad, my grandma, three cats, two dogs (animals were old or had cancer - we're not bad pet owners), a co-worker, a neighbor, and my sister didn't die but she was seriously ill for a while and still has issues. There is a ton of stress and anxiety in our household which could be another factor. I have never been diagnosed by a doctor but I'm certain I have attention deficit disorder and my inability to concentrate and sit still for any period of time could be an issue as well. I should have sought counseling long ago. I've talked to my doctor about most of these issues but I get no where - obviously.
It's very interesting to read everyone's posts and opinions of the situation. My first reaction was to get divorced. Like many of you said, how can you be with someone who betrays you like this? I can calm myself down by assuring myself I don't have to make a decision about this right away. The one thing I do know is I will be going to counseling. I'm going to go alone at first and then we can go together.
If someone else posted this and I read it my advice would be to leave the a-hole. Unfortunately I'm finding it's easier said than done. I have been sick to my stomach thinking about how in just one instant my life was turned completely upside down. All day at work yesterday I kept thinking about how I just wanted things to be normal again. I have my issues but for the most part everything was just fine with my life. Try to imagine one day if your husband did this to you. You were living your life thinking your were married to a great guy and out of the blue he does something totally uncharacteristic and creepy. Would you leave him? It's so hard. I've been blindsided. I'm hoping time and counseling will help me decide what to do.
I did finally talk to (and yell at) him last night. He is truly sorry for what he did and is very, very ashamed. I still don't feel like I can forgive him for a long time (if ever) but it was good to hear that he was remorseful and to get out a lot of things neither of us has expressed before. I just don't get how someone with a head on his shoulders would every think doing what he did is OK. He agreed. It's irritating to me that I can't wrap my head around it. For someone who is so book smart this incident proved to me that he has no common sense. I don't know how you could do something like that and not think of the implications. I think he is downright stupid and never even thought about the seriousness of his actions. That really bothers me. As someone said, he's a douche. It's so hard to say that about someone who just days ago was the love of my life and has been for so long. It's hard to just dump him. He's my best friend. I'm losing a best friend and a husband.
I'll admit that the idea of starting over is really daunting too. I am so picky in my old age no guy would ever be the right one for me. I know people divorce all the time and I may find someone but I might not and that upsets me. It's not reason to stay with someone but it's weighting heavily on me. Because I've never been with anyone else the thought of sleeping with someone new is terrifying. Dating again scares the crap out of me.
That does not make him bad in bed in any way. Or you. Most women cannot orgasm from sex without manual stimulation. Out of curiosity, have you ever tried a vibrator? Especially during sex?
I am glad you are going to counseling, And I really hope everything works out for you.
DS: age 4
DD: age 2
Currently pregnant with our 3rd!
Your physical response to sex (or lack thereof) sounds like me during my first marriage. My pain I now know was caused by lack of arousal before the act and lack of lubrication. It was not anything more complicated than that. I used to feel ashamed to have to use artifical lube because I thought in my mind that meant I was less of a woman because I could not do it on my own. Now I know better- whatever you need, you need- but that only came with time and maturity. I felt like you that I did not like sex really at all, and that made me sad. Now I know, this was a symptom of other problems in my marriage- not saying this is your problem, but it was mine. I have no problems at all with FI, partially because we have a great relationship, partially because I am more confident with myself.
Anyway, I got a book called "are we having fun yet" that dealt with this topic incredibly and helped me understand my body and what was normal and ok. I highly recommend it. I was raised catholic and got into a sexual relationship w my ex pretty young (16), so I never figured out my body and what I liked before I started feeling pressure about it to please him and do well in bed. This book made me know what it normal and how a woman's body works. I think you would benefit from it because as pper said, it is normal for a woman to have to be touched to orgasm.
http://www.amazon.com/Are-Having-Fun-Yet-Intelligent/dp/0786861975
Having been divorced, I know it is so so so hard to think about all the work that has to go into starting that process, and it is so much more complicated than outsiders can see. I agree though w ppers that what he did was terrible and not acceptable AT ALL. I think you need to try to overcome your feelings of shame and see a therapist for yourself (couples therapy would help also, but I think that you need to see one for you, too). It may or may not end up a long term thing, but I think it will help you sort out what you are feeling, esp since you do not have anyone irl that you feel comfortable talking to about this. (sorry I just saw your f/u post that you are going to see someone- that is a great decision).
Best of luck, and get that book- it is really great!
I just re-read your response that this really stuck out at me. I was the same way. It was a little different for me because for me, it was about having another baby. I felt like in my "old age", I might not find someone in time to have another baby, which I really wanted bc I did not want dd to be an only child. I probably stayed an extra 2-3 yrs because of this fear. But one day I realized, you only get one life, and I was wasting mine. I realized that it would be better to leave and take the chance of not getting what I wanted for me and dd, instead of being miserable for the rest of my life. this was a long time coming to get to this point. Now, I wish I had been strong enough to do it sooner, but I wasn't so oh well. So I am not saying for you that you should leave, or you should stay- but don't let fear of the unknown hold you back.
Try not to think about finding another man, but instead what would your life be like, alone. Because you are right, you may not find another man- but you may end up being ok and happy anyway! You need to focus on what is best for your life- you alone, not you with another man (or in my case, me with another baby).
Not to be a crazy book lady, but this one is awesome: Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay. it can help you sort out how you feel and seperate the fears of the unknown that might be holding you back inapproproately in a relationship that you should leave.
http://www.amazon.com/Good-Leave-Stay-Step-Step/dp/0452275350
There's no 2 ways about it here: you file and take this ass to court for violating your privacy. He needs mental help and possibly jail time.
WTF kind of backwoods, old school, Jerry Springer type bullshiit is this? Who thinks like this? He should be thankful that she didn't shove that camera straight up his ass.
Am I the only one who noticed this? To me this stood out...
You HATE sex and he is taping you because of his "sex deprevation" per say...but you have sex AT LEAST once a week...I know some couples where the man is lucky if he got that and he isn't doing uber creepy sneaking sex tapes type stuff...
I don't know...that just sounds weird to me...really, this whole thread/post sounds weird and fishy to me....
First off, don't listen to all the people calling your husband names and such. None of these people know him personally, and you have described him as being loving, sweet, caring, etc. He screwed up, yes, big time. But do NOT give up on him! He admitted his drinking problem to you, and has made huge efforts to fix it, thats way more than a lot of guys would do (most wouldn't even admit a problem).
Second, my advice would be to get counselling. Quite frankly, 4-6 times a month is not a whole lot. If it hurts you though, thats a problem too! Someone suggested a sex therapist, that sounds like a good idea. Sex is NOT supposed to hurt, its supposed to be enjoyable and there has to be something that is keeping it from being enjoyable. I don't think it would have anything to do with not being sexually attracted to him.
Imagine giving up now and walking away, finding someone else and discovering that you are still having that exact same problem? How would that make you feel? You are with someone now who sounds like they are trying to be understanding (albeit being a bit of a tool once in a while, lol).
Don't give up, but you DO need support, and not from people who don't know you personally, and especially not from people who are going to judge your husband so harshly, who they don't know.
PS. They've been together for 15 years. And he has only made big mistakes twice in that time? Is that really something to just dump the guy for? No wonder marriage is in such trouble. "Let he/she who is perfect cast the first stone" We all screw up. And imagining that just moving on and finding someone else is going to fix everything (when everyone is imperfect and makes mistakes)? Ridiculous.
Wow, there's a bit of an overreaction.
I understand how you feel betrayed. A serious boyfriend of mine sexually assaulted me when we were dating and revealed a porn addiction after we broke up - (a Christian guy while we attended Bible College - people can be terribly surprising). Any type of betrayal is devastating. Counseling is certainly a positive step. So, however, is forgiveness. I won't justify his behavior, but I can tell you that bitterness, unforgiveness, and anger are debilitating and ultimately hurt you more than anyone else. Sometimes choosing to forgive is a daily choice, not just something you do once and can forget about. But the importance of forgiveness is that you no longer hold those transgressions against that person. I'm not saying it's easy, but in order for you to truly move forward in your relationship, even your own life, it is necessary. I won't just tell you to divorce, or try to work it out, that's your decision, but if I may, I want to offer you something my aunt told me at my wedding. She has been married 3 times. Please read the following with the filter that yes, there are things that cross the line, but it is worth considering.
"No matter how hard it gets, work it out. The alternative is worse."
Your feelings are important, but so is your relationship. Maybe take some time to start dating your husband again, focus on the things you love about each other, and what initially attracted you to him.
Men can sometimes forget the importance of romancing their wives as sex is hardwired into their brains. Women can forget the importance of treating their husbands with respect, especially when they act in ways that are undeserving of it. Then the wife doesn't want sex because the husband isn't considerate, but the man is frustrated he never gets sex, while the woman is mad the husband is so selfish or sex driven. I can tell you this though. When I encourage and build up my husband, he in turn becomes more romantic and caring. A marriage is not give and take. Marriage is giving without expectation. I realize not everyone may appreciate this thought process, I am only speaking out of my experience.
Thank you Robyn for one of the only good responses I have seen on this board.
What bothers me about this post is everyone trying to give their take on the situation, also whether or not they would divorce, and very FEW people suggesting seeing a professional. I doubt there are many professional counselors on here, and most of them would give you this advice, not a rash "Divorce his ass, that douchebag, ect." or the "forgive and forget" reaction. With a problem like this, I don't think that any of us strangers through computer monitors have any base for giving her definitive advice.
This is a very serious breech of honesty, but as a responder to this post, I understand that there is a lot of background here that none of us have on your relationship. Visiting with a trained marriage counselor and/or sex therapy would definitely be 2 good steps to take before you decide if you want to go through with repairing the damage done or walking.
After 15 years of being together, you probably have the best feel for his personality and honesty (although some people can hide things for that long in rare cases). Just please don't buy into the hype and rash decisions that some people are suggesting on here, like pressing charges. That's disgusting since they don't know all the information here. It's easy to hide behind a computer and scrutinize everyone else, as this post shows very well between bloggers. Just please, please, please enlist your husband and take a couple of steps with a licensed professional before you make any serious decisions.
wow.
first off, we don't know how your relationship is with your husband. if my husband taped us, i would not divorce him, nor would i see it as an invasion of my privacy. i would honestly be flattered that he thought i was good enough to watch on tape instead of getting vids off the internet. not to mention, it may be a huge turn-on for you as well if you were to watch it later with him. however, we don't know about your relationship. have you expressed to him before that you would not want him to ever tape you? have you even talked about it? if not, please try to see it from his point of view. you are his wife. you have shared your body with him, technically it is his body to enjoy as well. you are one now, or don't you understand marriage? i agree that he should have asked you before. he was wrong not to discuss it with you. but put on your "blue glasses." he is a man, he likes having sex with his wife, and his wife does not enjoy having sex with him. i don't know how that would make him feel, as far as his ego, but i know if my husband even thought, much less knew openly that i did not enjoy sex with him, he would be hurt. perhaps your husband saw this as one way he could relive sex without making you participate in something you did not enjoy. This way he can have what he wants and does not have to put you in pain. Perhaps he did not ask you about it because he didn't want to make you feel bad about not pleasing him as often as he would like. While you may feel indifferent to sex, your husband obviously does not. Instead of being angry at him for violating your privacy, be upset that he didn't ask your permission, and try to be more understanding about his side of the situation. you don't want sex as often as he does, and taping you 2 together is a great way for him to "get it" more often without pressuring you, or making you feel bad for not wanting it. he is not a "peeping tom" or a "sex offender" for taping a love making between himself and his wife. his only fault is not obtaining permission. and even that, i would not be angry to the point you are. if you trust your husband in the first place, then what is the big deal? if you truly trust him, you know he is not going to share the vids. if you think he is going to share the videos then you don't trust him and have no business with him anyways. before you get lost in your righteous indignation about your husband "violating your privacy" maybe you should step back, cool off, and look at it from a different angle. you are married, that doesn't really warrant much privacy. especially with your body. and as long as it stays between you and him, then what harm done? i personally think you blew this way out of proportion. it doesn't seem like your relationship is very strong or easy going or light and loving if your first thought is to divorce him over this. if you love him, try to see it from his side.
he doesn't want to come across as needy. he doesn't want to make you think you are un-satisfying. he doesn't want to hurt your feelings.
the same goes with the lying about the alcohol. who wants to admit that they are an alcoholic? the first step to RECOVERY is admitting is. while i would be angry if my husband lied to me about having a drink, if he actually had a disease i would be more understanding.
the key to making a marriage work is communication and understanding. you have to try to get where he's coming from, and he has to do the same for you. if you run away from the conflicts, what does that say about you as a person? marriage isn't easy, in fact, before i got married, most of the advice we got was "it takes alot of work and you have to be open to the other persons thoughts and opinions and points of view but its worth it." and it is. the more you go through the stronger you get. please don't rail on your hubby for this. he is sorry, and he has a point of view as well. go find out what it was. don't ruin your marriage by yelling at him.
Although, I do think this is definitely something to fight with your husband about, I in no way think it is something to get divorced over. All of you who think so obviously have lost value in the institution of marriage and this is the exact reason there are so many divorces out there. If this man is truly your best friend, you will get through it. You married him for better or for worse. You have been with him through his drinking problem (of course he would lie about that...it's not something that one flaunts to the world, let alone the most important person in his life) and he is with you through your lack of interest in sex. Definitely seek counseling - together. You are, after all, in this together. If you are thinking of divorce, there must be an underlying issue and you want to use this as an excuse for a way out.
A friend of mine recently got married and has painful sex. She finally admitted to me she told her husband she's a virgin when she actually had been with several men. The mind has a powerful affect on our bodies. It's important to talk to a counselor or sex therapist if u wanna get to the bottom of that problem. maybe something happend to u as a child ur repressing. Maybe you subconsciously dont trust him after he lied to you about the alcohol and it affects the way u see him emotionally/sexually. maybe after 15 yrs u need to have couples counseling. Have you always had trouble having sex with him or just recently? have u tried self- stimulation? does that hurt? it might help u get comfortable with sex and grow to like it. try a small vibrator.
it sounds to me u have already convinced urself u dont wanna be with him. at least for now. maybe a trial separation, nothing permanent until u both seek help. also 4-6 times a month is not bad. thats probably what i average and i like sex, have only been married 2 yrs and everythings fine. everyone has different ideas about what is ok with sex. had u 2 discussed porn before? after being married im thinking porn is ok when i never used to think that. people change and get bored with the same. maybe he really didnt know u would be THAT upset about the tape. had he ever joked about it? what did he say to u after u didnt speak to him for days? was he apologetic after seeing it upset u? is he using this b/c he wants to cheat? i hope u find a friend to talk to about this. i used to be very shy about talking of such things but if u open up to ur friends sometimes u'll be surprised how open they are.
In reading all these responses it would appear that I may be the first man to join this conversation. Now before anyone thinks that I am am going to sound off on the "other's side" let me assure you, I agree that what he did was totally wrong, a violation of trust and to put it simply, "down right stupid", perhaps even crimianl but I am not going to get in on that discussion. I have been married for 24 yrs to my best friend. Was she always that way and did it even start that way.... no. We have grown to become best friends and I am the lucky man for that. I agree that you both need councilling, together and perhaps separately. It has been most enlightening reading the varied responses and well thought out comments as well as the knee jerk responses. Trust me I have done enough stupid things in my own marraige to have seen both types of responses. My heart goes out to you and your husband for the pain that you feel during your intimate times together. Like most of the other responders I would encourage you to continue your search for a doctor or therapist who you can help you in this manner. To those who have said that sex is a "primative hard wired response for men" you are not far off. I often will desire my wife at the most unlikeliest of times which often has her roll her eyes in wonder (she knows the look in my eyes, it's not as if I need to verbalize my thoughts). To some who are concerned about your incompatibility in regards for your frequency and desire for sex this is not the huge issue that it has to be. I should know. For me I would prefer to have relations at least once a week if not more; for my wife it is usually the last thing on her mind. As a result we average about twice a year. Yes that is right twice a year and it has not killed me or caused me to love her any less. I have learned that no does not mean "I don't love you", it means I am not in the mood or simply too tired. I hit upon this posting as the title intrigued me. Many years ago I too had thought of doing just this very thing. What stopped me? Thinking it through and realizing the hurt and distrust that would result. I did not think of myself as creepy but as another responder had noted I was looking at this as a substitute to "bothering my wife or facing rejection when she said no". I did not want an affair, nor did I want to go down the route of pornography. I am glad I never followed through on it as days later I was reflecting on this and shook my head and asked myself "What were you possibly thinking!, that is the stupidest idea you have ever thought of in your entire married life" Yes we all tend to beat up on ourselves when talking to ourself, but in this case I think I deserved a good self thrashing. There was a period in our marriage when we did not have relations for 3 yrs. Not because of any arguments or issues that I knew of, I thought I would see, if I didn't ask, how long would it be before my wife initiated. Again this did not kill me (ok I was a little depressed) and I came out of it with a better understanding of what love really meant. I didn't know it at the time but she was going through a self examination period of where she was in life (she is a Chartered Accountant - next level up from a CPA for you Americans). We had decided when we had kids that she would stay at home and raise them (they are now in their early teens) while I continued to work. Financially it did not make sense as she was earning 3x what I was making but we felt it important that the kids have a mom at home (we now also homeschool our kids). In her examination she was wanting to make sure she was doing what was best for her (her dream was always to be a mom but accounting ran in her family) and for the family. Afterwards we talked about the 3 yrs and she thanked me for not pressing her and admitted that she figured most guys would have left or at least put up a fuss
Your husband was wrong and of that there is no doubt. It was a shocking example of bad judgement. Should you kick him to the curb, only you know that and for any of us to tell you differently would be overstepping our boundaries. As a few have pointed out "We only know this small snippet of your life, only you know the entire breadth and depth of your life together".
My wife and I now teach a marriage course together in our community. Are we trained counciller..... no.... and we make this known up front. What we tell people is that we have been married 24 yrs, seen our fair share of good time and bad, realize that we are wired differently and that we need to appreciate our differences. We do not charge for our course other than the cost of the book that we teach from (Love and Respect, I would highly recommend you both to read it). This is a passion of the heart for both of us to help others who are struggling. I will often speak to the men in regards to their sex lifes and help them to understand it from their wives position. For men sex is a physical and emotional experience my wife has explained that for women it is an emotional and physical eperience. and yes that is different. We express ourselves emotionally through a physical act. My wife has told me that a women needs to feel emotional attached before she can express herself in this physical manner.
You have a lot of talking to do together. I can appreciate your hurt, but unfortunately as a man I will never be able to fully understand it to the extent I should, because I am not a woman. And I am the poorer for it. Take some time. If possible refrain from the yelling as that will do neither of you any good. Yes it may feel better but the lasting damage to your relationship that it will cause is not worth it. Note I do not say that he doesn't deserve to be yelled at. We are not perfect people. We all make mistakes. Some more grave then others. Most of us want to justify our own bad behaviour as a result of how someone has treated us. I haven't heard in any of your responses that he has tried to justify his actions; just that he is sorry for being so stupid.
To often, when faced with a situation that we feel helpless in, we turn to other who are very quick to give an opinion and it is not always easy to decern those who want to help you from those who want to hurt you. There are some who are trying to right a wrong that has been done to them, so will find retribution through convincing you to take an action that you may regret. That action could be staying together or going your separate ways - we all have our own agendas for the advice we give. I will be truthful to you, my agenda is to bring families together that have been broken or damaged. It requires changed behaviour, regaining of trust and grace. Search your heart, what is it telling you. When you can find a peaceful moment, sit down with him and simply ask "why?". Telling him you are not going to yell at him, berate him but you are willing to listen to him. Be honest with him about how it has made you feel about him, your relationship, the rift that it has created and the hurt that it has caused you. If he starts to apologize again, let him know you are not looking for an apology but for him to have an understanding of what he has done to his best friend. An apology lasts but a moment; understanding lasts a lifetime and precipitates a change in behaviour. When we understand each other and what each other needs, our own behaviour changes to reflect that need and fulfill it.
My apologies for the long reply but it was on my heart to share things "from the other side"
Honey, we all make mistakes and no one on this planet is perfect. He is only human and he made a few mistakes. I do not believe this would be a reason to divorce him, especailly since you have not completed talked it out or seek counseling. I am a true believer of counseling because it works. I see a counselor for myself and every once in a while my husband comes as well. He is very supportive because he understands I have issues that I need to work out conerning my mother, family, and work.
I do not know if you are a religious person or not, but I wanted to share this with you or remind you of this. God loves us and He is willing to forgive us for ALL of our SINS and wrong doings. I know forgiveness for us is hard, trust me that is part of the reason I am in counseling, but you have to find it in your heart to forgive your husband. He loves you no doubt there and I do not believe he is a criminal, but I think it was wrong to hide this from you. And I understand it makes you feel sick. Marriage is hard, but I agree with another statement that was said. You must give AND take. Although it may seem like you are giving a lot more than receiving.
Divorce is such a nasty situation and heartache that I do not think you should go through at this point. You both need counseling and a good support system. Church and mentors will help with this too.
I also suggest you do see a sex therapist and discuss these issues with your GYN. I was not a big fan of sex while I was taking birth control so that will give you something else to think about as well. BCP decreased my drive over the years, but now that I am off of the BCP I can tell a difference in my sex drive and curiousity.
I hope this helps and I pray you are able to work this out with your husband.
i agree with dnykay- yes, he violated your trust, fist with his drinking problem and now this, but he is human! yah secretly taping you is wrong, but he's not cheating. maybe the only real problem with that is that is felt he couldnt ask you first. i think that maybe you should seek out a sex therapist, maybe the reason you dont enjoy sex is because you have some sort of under lying issues (i dont know you, so i cant say what exactly) with trust and sexuality, plus you are putting all this pressure on yourself about your inadiquecies. i think you should loosen up, and take a chill pill. lol. no for real- have you tried "rollin" together? or even just hangin out naked? do you give him oral? i know that its hard to make steps to improve your trust and intimacy when your trust has already been broken, but you can scrap everything with him and start new or really work to rebuild the love and trust with your H. either way, with a new guy or old guy- you are still going to have to do the work. i think he loves you and seems to be open to doing the work. whats it gonna hurt to try personal councilling and sex therapy?
ps i know this subject is embarrassing- but you are going to have to deal with it either with your husband, or next guy you date, and he might not be as loving and patient.. which do you think will be more humiliating?
I think you both could use more communication in your relationship. For some reason, your husband hid the fact that he was taping you. You should suggest to your husband that you go to counseling together to learn better communication flow between the two of you. Find out why he couldn't be upfront with you about it. You should also be honest with your husband about how you feel about sex, the fact that you feel bad that you don't want to do it, and how you feel about him secretly taping you during sex. Also, think about the fact that your husband is taping having sex with YOU, not someone else. That is a very good sign. You should not get a divorce over something like this. Your husband is still faithful to YOU. And faithfulness is more than just one thing. Being faithful would also require you to be faithful to him, not just with fidelity, but with your whole heart and mind as well. Being faithful requires you to work out the issues in your relationship so you can move on, together, and grow to be better for each other. Your husband needs to know that he can trust you, so that he can tell you when he has these ideas. Don't freak out. Just talk about this with your husband and maybe get some counseling TOGETHER. There is probably an underlying issue, not just sex. Sometimes I just don't feel like having sex for long periods of time because I have too many other things on my mind, and for me, sex takes mental effort. But I can still do it with my husband anyway because there is a loving, open, and trusting relationship there. Work on the communication and be open with each other about everything and a lot of other problems will go away too. And it's not just communication, but HOW you communicate with each other. A good book to read is called The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work by John Gottman. It's very good and touches a lot on how to communicate with each other.
I think you should put your embarrassment aside and get some counseling immediately. You said "for better or for worse" and that's literally what it means. It hurts when the ones we love break our trust, especially in such a disrespectful manner. But it doesn't mean it can't be fixed. I think way too many people are quick to jump to divorce as soon as something goes wrong. We have to start treating our marriages as if divorce is not an option.
That doesn't mean to just let it go. This isn't something the two of you can fix alone. You need to get a professional to help you sort this out. There's got to be something deeper going on if the man you've been with feels the need to secretly tape you having sex. And he needs to figure out what that is with the help of a professional. It's better to feel embarrassed by seeing a counselor than to live your life unable to trust your own husband.
I can fully understand your anger toward your husband and not wanting to talk to him. What he did is inexcusable and should not be easily forgiven. I would not hold his past about drinking against him in this situation. He realized he had a problem and took steps to change for the better. Remember that there are many people who are in denial and never seek treatment.
I am in a similar situation where sex hurts and I do have to often make an effort to please my husband. I can be shy about talking to others about any problems that may happen in the bedroom. You can't keep everything in and expect yourself to always have all the answers. As embarrassing as it may seem, you should probably talk to two therapists, one marriage and one for just yourself. I would also research doctors in your area that specialize in female libido and make an appointment. Some gynecologists don't have all of the answers just like general practitioners don't, sometimes you need to see specialists.
Now about the topic of divorce... only YOU know how you feel about what you want to do. Don't make excuses for staying together like "I don't want to be lonely," or "What if I can't find anyone better?" Those are irrelevant. The simple question (I said simple not easy) is, "Is he REALLY the right man for me?" Right now trust is a huge issue. If you decide to stay together, I would make sure there are no other videos that have been recorded without your knowledge.
Best of luck on finding what is right for you.
I would have thought you were me writing at the beginning. I never had sex until after I was married at age 34 and it was and is painful at times. I had desire until after I had our child via surgery at age 35. My H doesn't really get into the foreplay part and maybe that would help me more. But if you had surgery that may be the cause of your lack of desire for or even pain during sex. I had to have an Emergency c-section for my first child and since then sex was always painful. My doctors recommended massage, using more lube, and more foreplay; but nothing has worked. Someone mentioned to me that some nerves may have been cut or nicked during the surgery that may be affecting my body elsewhere and that it may take time to heal. It took 3 years before I got my desire and pleasure back It is still painful at times and like you said certian positions were not as painful.
We have 2 children now and sex is still painful at times and the desire and pleasure comes and goes, but my H is understanding for the most part. We might do it 3 or 4 times a month if I am not feeling up to it or more.
I would not divorce my H on account of what yours did. I would forgive him, but as to the trust part.... well that will take time too. I had and still have trust issues with men in general (my father in particular), but talking about it with my H and TIME has helped. There are still times that I will balk about something and I will tell him about it. And not to get religious or anything, prayer and the LORD has helped alot too. You may never forget but forgiveness goes a loooong way.
In regards to your age, you are not too old for starting a family