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Lack of sex because of online porn!
Ok ladies, I have a question and want to see if anyone else out there is dealing with this kind of issues.
Problem #1-
So I am a newly wed and but we've been together for 6 years now. Since being married we have been having alot arguements and not seeing eye to eye on much. He gets annoyed very easily and doesn't have much patience. When I try and talk to him it gets me nowhere not to mention he gets very defensive right away. I have tried it the nice way and the mean way etc. I always get the same end result...Nothing really changes much and the same things keep happening over and over again. I tell him the things that bother me and he gets a little bit better for a couple days and then Bam! back to the same thing all over again. Not to mention I always use the saying "Choose Your Battles" because you can't let everything make you mad and if you really stop and think about the things that you get yourself all bent out of shape over at the end of the day it's not worth it! When something I do bothers you just tell me instead of getting angry. I feel like I'm walking on egg shells everyday to not get into an arguement.
Problem #2-
Ok so every man watches porn. I get that. Since being together we have always had really good sex and alot of it. Obviously more before. I have never been boring in bed and have always tried new things to make it fun and interesting for the both of us. I have NEVER turned him down regardless if I was in the mood or not!
Now with that being said we have had our trust issues in the past as well. It was because of porn dating sites and the fact that he has cheated on me. I caught him because he left his email open. He was in several porn sites and porn dating sites not to mention sleeping with some girl that he knew behind my back. Not too long ago I caught him talking dirty to some girl by text on Word Fued on his cell phone! He actually made up a new email asked the girl to email him a picture of her naked! and he sent one back to her! Which leades to #3.
Problem 3-
Since we haven't been getting along too great obviously our sex life is pretty much non existant all though he is watching porn on his phone every single day and has over 100 of them downloaded on his phone. The 2 times we had sex 1 last month and one this month (which he finally initiated last weekend) he gets an erection and in the middle of sex it goes down!
I tried talking to him about it and he says he doesn't know what the problem is and not to mention I feel like if he doesn't care if we have sex or not because he's watching porn masterbating everyday!
Last night I was laying on the couch with him in sexy victoria secret nighty that my boobs practically fall out of and he fell asleep. He knows I love having sex and I have been giving him a hard time because we haven't been having it but yet it still seems like he's not interested? It's like I have to initiate it or I don't get any! Even when we do have sex I'm alway's the one giving him the foreplay. I go down on him or play with him and he just plays with my boobs and then we have sex. Really?
HELP!!!
Does anyone out there have these problems and what the hell am I supposed to do because it's really starting to make me feel insecure, it's creating animosity, and I feel horrible. I don't even feel like trying to have sex with him anymore. I feel like he doesn't care. He hasn't even tried to have sex with me since that happened last weekend. One would think he would try to show that he still wants me after that happening 2 times! The only 2 times we've had sex in the past 2 months!
What do I do?????????????????????
Re: Lack of sex because of online porn!
That you and he are newlyweds and are arguing so much is not normal and not good.
I am willing to bet these arguments existed during your dating period and engagment. Doubtful if he became confrontational and the both of you began arguing after you got married and that everything was peachy keen and smooth sailing before that.
And if these arguments were in existance before you were wed, you should have put the marriage on hold and both of you should have gotten couples counseling...and the wedding never should have happened UNTIL the problems were resolved.
And if they were not resolvable, you and he should have gone your separate ways and called it quits. Who wants to pursue a relationship that's already broken beyond repair? Not I.
Counseling STAT. And make it a MUST that he attend.
If you told us what the arguments were over, it would be helpful. More backstory is needed.
Problem #2:
He cheated on you before all this? He should have been history. To me, it is a dealbreaker, the trust is gone and once a cheater always a cheater.
But the horse is out of the barn on that one...
His loss of erection isn't good if it keeps happening. It's either psychological or it's a physical issue; he needs to see a doctor if this keeps continuing.
The penis is a dipstick to a guy's overall health; he could have the start of diabetes, a ciruclatory issue, a thyroid problem or low testosterone. And if it is not physical, it's psychological.
You need to speak to him about the lack of sex -- and wow, 100 porn videos on a phone is a lot. Either he's bored and has too much time on his hands, that he wants to see how many videos he can download or he's got a porn addiction; it's hard to tell which one it is, judging from your post.
PRoblem 3:
YOU NEED TO TALK TO HIM. At length -- and about every problem you have described to us.
That your marriage is rocky this early on is not a good thing. Demand he discuss all of the problems with you; do not take no for an answer.
If this keeps happening, a physical checkup is mandated to rule out anything physically troublesome. if there are no physical problems, he needs to see a sex therapist; you need to go with him.
You are right we did have arguements before we got married and we have had our ups and downs but it's never been to this point. I suggested couples counciling prior to getting married and he refused and said we didn't need that and I was being over dramatic.
We have arguements about different things. Alot are really stupid sometimes. Today for example by phone he got upset with me because I need to deposit a check that is in both of our names because I'm low on funds so I told him we are the like only married couple who doesn't have 1 joint bank account besides our respective individual accounts. He responded like a smart ass and said 'No, actually alot of married couples do not have a joint bank account" then he told me I was stupid and said he needed to get back to work and eat his lunch said bye and hung up.
Another example. This weekend we went out to a bar (nobody was drunk) they were showing some crazy amature trashy kind of mild UFC fighting. I thought it was funny because they looked like really trashy people. So I made a comment about the ring girl because she wasn't your typical ring girl you see in boxing etc. because they are normally hot. So when she was on the TV I said "Really?" and he went off on me! He said I sound like some stuck up girl. That was the end of that night. Then the next day he was making comments about people at the pool but I guess that was ok? Like I said..Stupid stuff. I don't know what is going on?
We used to have really great sex and I couldn't keep him off of me at times. He's always watched porn and I didn't know how much until I saw all the downloads on his phone. One of them of porn and others of random naked girls from these websites that can be saved. I check his web history on his phone pretty frequently and see he's on the site pretty much everyday or every other.
I have been doing research and I read some articles that discuss the issues you listed above and I also read that men that masturbate alot with porn sometimes have problems with the real thing because of the visual stimulation is not as great and they get desensitized so it creates problems having regular sex. They almost need that visual stimulation and when men masturbate they are more aggresive with the penis so that's different for them too. I don't know? I feel it is somewhat psycological like you mentioned as well. We've never had such issues with losing erection only when he had been drinking socially and did not happen often.
Divorce him. I just solved all of your problems.
You are right we did have arguements before we got married and we have had our ups and downs but it's never been to this point. I suggested couples counciling prior to getting married and he refused and said we didn't need that and I was being over dramatic.
Not only is this a lack of maturity, it's also a lack of wanting to work on this WITH you.
It doesn't sound to me like this marriage should have happened. he cheated? You should have said goodbye there and then. Any man who cheats on you is telling you loud and clear that he is not into you. And that he did this before he was married shows me that he was not ready to marry anyone.
But yet you married him.
About 14 months ago, according to your bio.
Why? What's so great about this guy? he belittles you, he calls you stupid, he won't work on problems with you and that downloading of HOW many porn videos on his phone? That's pretty immature to me. That's quite the little collection.
I forgave him because people make mistakes. We've been together 6 years and he cheated around or after the first year we were dating and I just found out 2 years ago before I agreed to marry him. I forgave him because he promised to never lie or cheat again. He changed his email and phone number and gave me the passwords to his new one. He was also putting forth so much effort nothing like he's acting like now. He was being very attentive, affectionate, mellow, and making me his priority.
When he and I begun our relationship he made me feel like the most special person. Better than anyone else I ever been with. I could walk into a room with 50 girls and he would be looking at me. I don't know what has happened? That's what I'm trying to figure out. If it was like that before what the hell has changed so much that he's so different with me now? I fell in love with him and married him because of the way he treated me and made me feel. It seems like once he got comfortable again he went back to acting like an ass and I don't know how he doesn't see that there is a problem. I was laying in bed the other night and I did what you said. I sat there and tried talking to him when we were getting ready for bed. He asked me to please stop and he needed to get to sleep for work in the morning plus he had a bad headache so for me to please understand and just stop. Then he doesn't try to talk about it at a later time either so it's like I can't talk about it.
YOu need to address this subject in a non sexual setting --- I suggest the living room.
Shut the phone off and disconnect your voice mail -- you need no interruptions.
He owes it to you to work on this with you.
If he won't talk about this, not good news. The problem won't be addressed and it'll keep worsening.
The playing field changed somewhere along the line. Maybe it's possible that he has emotionally checked out of the relationship and he's done it some time ago --- he also should NOT be speaking to you like you're a common skivvy. he's got no right to call you stupid or belittle you.
For that alone, he's sure some prize. I'd give him holy hell about that.
Well ,that's how I feel is somewhat disconnected and yes him belittling me is a huge problem and I have told him so. Trust me I don't just sit there and take his crap but I do follow my own advice and try to choose my battles wisely.
Him cheating and the other bs he did was crap too and you are right about that. I will never have 100% trust in him or any other man ever again. My sons father which I was in a relationship with for 8 yrs never married and 1 year after breaking up with him one of my so called best friends/ my sons godmother decided to share that her and my other friends knew he cheated on me but they all discussed it among themselves and decided not to tell me even though they knew I was on the brink of kicking him out on his butt. That's a whole other story in itself! Needless to say I never spoke to her or ever saw her again after that dinner date! Lol! I can forgive but it's not so easy to forget.
The porn wouldn't be such an issue if he did it in moderation. All men like it even some women do as well so hey, Whatever floats your boat but not when it is a problem like everyday, 100 downloads, etc. Especially when you have a wife and she has a vagina hello? I'm not freaking Kim K but I'm not some unattractive, overweight, ugly duckling. I take care of myself. I always try to look nice,stay in shape, do my hair, do my nails, and I don't wear moo moo's. That's what I don't get. What is the fn problem?
I don't know? This whole thing is just crazy and I'm not perfect either but I can't fix this by myself. I just don't know what the hell i need to do to get him to realize all these problems need to be addressed or we will be doomed. Ignoring it isn't going to make it go away or help our relationship or communication. I think everyone in thier right mind would say there is a problem here. Why can't he? and why doesn't he want it to change? I just feel like it doen't matter because it seems like he doesn't want to deal with the issues because he's embarassed or something? like they are just going to go away...It's crap
My what a great big character flaw he's got; he should be PROUD of you and telling you how wonderful you are -- instead, he belittles you. What a douche.
Well ,that's how I feel is somewhat disconnected and yes him belittling me is a huge problem and I have told him so. Trust me I don't just sit there and take his crap but I do follow my own advice and try to choose my battles wisely.
And despite the fact that you are not comfortable with it he still does it.
What is there to love here? Nothing much at all, just from this alone.
This is a great big area of contention. Have you told him to cut it the hell out? or do you sit there and take this bullshit from him??
He's walking all over you. And I side eye anybody who does this to a spouse.
Him cheating and the other bs he did was crap too and you are right about that. I will never have 100% trust in him or any other man ever again.
This is a whole other problem -- therapy for you stat and you might want to go checkout survivinginfidelity.com.
Just for the trust issue alone you have a huge chasm to close. Big big problem and this is why I sugget therapy for you stat.
My sons father which I was in a relationship with for 8 yrs never married and 1 year after breaking up with him one of my so called best friends/ my sons godmother decided to share that her and my other friends knew he cheated on me but they all discussed it among themselves and decided not to tell me even though they knew I was on the brink of kicking him out on his butt.
As usual, you're the last to find out.:( And everyone's the first to know -- this is more common than you think.
The porn wouldn't be such an issue if he did it in moderation. All men like it even some women do as well so hey, Whatever floats your boat but not when it is a problem like everyday, 100 downloads, etc. Especially when you have a wife and she has a vagina hello? I'm not freaking Kim K but I'm not some unattractive, overweight, ugly duckling. I take care of myself. I always try to look nice,stay in shape, do my hair, do my nails, and I don't wear moo moo's. That's what I don't get. What is the fn problem?
Porn's a guy thing. Guys like nudity and stimulation -- which is why there'll never be a shortage of porn or skin magazines. It has nothing to do with how attractive a spouse is or isn't -- and when porn becomes a problem it's time for somebody to get help (spending a lot of money on porn sites, arguing about porn, doing nothing but watching porn all day, needs porn to get turned on to have sex, etc)
I don't know? This whole thing is just crazy and I'm not perfect either but I can't fix this by myself. I just don't know what the hell i need to do to get him to realize all these problems need to be addressed or we will be doomed.
You said it exactly.
You need to sit down with him and lay it on the line. let him know you're sick of the belittleing and other bullshit -- I would demand counseling and I'd make the marriage continuation contingent upon his attending, no ifs ands or buts. He goes whether he likes it or not -- and he actively works on it with you...
But if he does not willingly go, it's of no sense to go. He has to want to work on this with you and start fixing what is broken.
If he won't go, seriously consider saying goodbye to him -- the lack of respect for you is staggering; no man should talk to his wife or treat her that way. And you should not put up with it.
Ignoring it isn't going to make it go away or help our relationship or communication. I think everyone in thier right mind would say there is a problem here. Why can't he? and why doesn't he want it to change? I just feel like it doen't matter because it seems like he doesn't want to deal with the issues because he's embarassed or something? like they are just going to go away...It's crap
Personally, I'd say goodbye, but that's just me. The second you start to call me names, goodbye Charlie. No respect for me = no more relationship, period.
There is a pretty good chance he has emotionally checked out of this "marriage" -- in which case you might as well file. You've got a marriage frought with big problems and the trust issue you have is the number one one.
ETA; As far as the cheating after dating for a year goes -- I don't know how firmly esconced the 2 of you were -- maybe you were more or less dating casually or you were sometime dating; therefore there was no firm commitment between the 2 of you -- but if it was agreed that you and he were a couple and you would be seeing only each other exclusively then you bet your bippy that that was cheating. And at that point, you should have said goodbye right there.
I know we need to go to counceling and I am going to demand it. I agree with the you that he emotionally has checked out. He down plays the name calling to playing around or it's just his sarcasam and doen't mean it in a bad way but the moment he gets bent out of shape he starts with the names or just cursing in general. I don't know how he thinks it's ok to play around calling people names sarcastic or not? The worst part about it is I've caught myself on occasion getting upset retaliating and calling him names too!! It's a vicious circle and it just needs to stop. All of it does.
Do you think I should attempt writing a letter instead of trying to find the right time to talk to him or should I just talk to him whether or not if he wants to deal with it or not? I know he will get defensive even if I very carefully watch my words. I don't want to argue and I just want him to understand what's at stake here if all of this crap continues. I'm not one to sit there and take his bullshit and I do call him out on it but what is me being pissed off and him being pissed off going to solve??? Exactly what it has solved already......Not a damn thing. I will put the effort in and try but if he doesn't then I honestly don't think there is much else to do. I can't do it by myself and if his feelings have checked out he needs to come to terms with it too.
Trust me I never would have thought when I met him and fell in love with him that things would have ended up like this. It's insane how he completely swept me off my feet and was soooooo into me to then the cheating, the porn, the disrespect and all this ***. Unbelievable how someone can change so much. I'm trying to stay positive but it's really hard right now.
I know we need to go to counceling and I am going to demand it. I agree with the you that he emotionally has checked out. He down plays the name calling to playing around or it's just his sarcasam and doen't mean it in a bad way but the moment he gets bent out of shape he starts with the names or just cursing in general.
And you are in denial over his behavior. Wow, a name is a name --- whyyy are you putting up with this? it's unacceptable -- what part orf unacceptable does this jerk NOT understand??
The first time he did it, I'd have been out of there -- and you mentioned you have an 8 year old -- wow, is this jerk around your child? IF so, what a poor father figure this one is!
Your child will get the idea that it is okay to walk all over Mommy...and that name calling is the norm. For the mental health of you and your child, put a STOP to this.
I don't know how he thinks it's ok to play around calling people names sarcastic or not? The worst part about it is I've caught myself on occasion getting upset retaliating and calling him names too!! It's a vicious circle and it just needs to stop. All of it does.
Uh huh...and it's tit for tat and that makes you as bad as he is.
Why do you want to stay with somebody who doesn't care how he addresses you and has zero character, not to mention no respect for you at all???
Do you think I should attempt writing a letter instead of trying to find the right time to talk to him or should I just talk to him whether or not if he wants to deal with it or not?
Write no letter. You tell him "On _______, we need to talk. I want to talk to you at ____ pm; it is important; if you value me and our marriage, you will hear me out" and take no ifts ands or butts for a reply.
I know he will get defensive even if I very carefully watch my words. I don't want to argue and I just want him to understand what's at stake here if all of this crap continues. I'm not one to sit there and take his bullshit and I do call him out on it but what is me being pissed off and him being pissed off going to solve??? Exactly what it has solved already......Not a damn thing. I will put the effort in and try but if he doesn't then I honestly don't think there is much else to do. I can't do it by myself and if his feelings have checked out he needs to come to terms with it too.
Certainly he is going to get defensive; he's immature and won't listen to reason -- like i said, what a douche. He's got no right to talk to you the way he does -- he's using you as a doormat.
Trust me I never would have thought when I met him and fell in love with him that things would have ended up like this. It's insane how he completely swept me off my feet and was soooooo into me to then the cheating, the porn, the disrespect and all this ***. Unbelievable how someone can change so much. I'm trying to stay positive but it's really hard right now.
It's almost like that song lyric: Love went out the window when life walked in the room.
The playing field changed here and it changed a long time ago. It changed long before you were married -- and why do you suppose you married this guy when you did and why? Was it "the next thing to do" or "everybody expects it" or what?
Remember: when you demand something you have to stand behind it. Otherwise this guy will call your bluff.
He will refuse counseling. This is bad news in itself -- he's telling you pretty much he doesn't care about his marriage to you.
Like I said, If this was me, I'd pack his bag and tell him to hit the road. Just for the fact that this jerk talks to you like you're a nobody and repeatedly has done it and doesn't care that he does, forget it. There's no marriage here; there's no mutual respect -- how can there even be a marriage minus mutual respect???
He has zero character, he has no respect for you at all, he's immature, he talks to you however the hell he wishes, he won't listen to reason, he's confrontational and the porn problem pales in comparison to all of the afore-mentioned problems that he is. What is here to love, really??? Nothing, IMO.
And therapy FOR YOU -- your self esteem went into the water closet a long time ago. Just for the fact that you're putting up with his horrific treatment shows me you have no self esteem at all.
A short time ago he was soliciting naked pictures from girls online. "Porn" dating sites are not regular "porn sites" and its not something every guy does. That's not a porn issue, that's a cheating issue.
Sex life reflects your relationship as a whole (in my opinion). You are making all the effort in and out of the bedroom, and he's doing nothing to foster a healthy relationship. If he really cared, he'd make an effort. He's not.
That alone would be a deal breaker for me. But you add cheating on top of it, and I can't see why infrequent sex is your worry. You're not having a crappy sex life because he watches porn--its caused from his unloving and disrespectful behavior.
What do you do? Refuse to be treated like crap any longer, and move on.
Click here for my bio! (Updated 9/2/10!)
Holy cow...he was doing this?
Then this is a bigger bum and bigger jerk than I thought he was.
This is cheating and this is a dealbreaker. No decent and happily married man solicits photos from other women -- at this point, I give a sh!t less if they're dressed in a burka -- and no decent and happily married man chats up other women inappropriately.
The second you got wind of this, it should have been over right there. And as I said...
Once a cheater always a cheater. He is a textbook case. Get rid of him.
Other advice:
GET TESTED.
You have no reassurance that he's not had sex with any of these lovelies -- and file and get out.
All bets are off at this point. there's nothing left here to try to repair.
Do what's right for YOU -- and what's right for you is to file and bid good riddance to bad rubbish.
Get your finances ready, make sure that they're in a safe place and he can't access them and when all is ready, contact an attorney and file. This marriage is over.
ETA: this bullshit of "sssh this nestie is keeping her profile private" snuffs quite a bit of the vital backstory, since you're not able to access any of the other posts or threads. Like I said, all bets are off; get out asap.
The PP is right --- when there is a disconnect in the bedroom it usually is indicative of other problems outside the sack. The OP's "H" has emotionally checked out of the marriage? I am not certain if he ever checked in at all --- and it's very likely that this jerk's having plenty of sex outside of marriage; look at all the lovelies he found on line! he's got a real harem there, or at least a potential harem!
The bottom line:
Nothing here to save. Do what you have to do with your finances and so forth and then file -- and get tested, like I said. Cheating is a dealbreaker.
First, I have to say, I am sorry that you are going thru this. My first question to you is, you had seen some red flags before marriage & you asked him to attend counseling before marriage, (& he said no) why did you marry him? I know you love him & care for him, but hon, he doesn't care for you like he should. He has you walking on egg-shells, that is never a good thing. And until you either leave him or get this resolved, you will always walk on them. (& that is no way to live)
IMO, I would have left the moment I heard about the cheating. He kept that from you! That is a major dealbreaker!! I would never trust him again. He may not be physically cheating, but he is emotionally and that can be worse. He obviously has a porn addiction & that is affecting your sex life. He needs help with that before he can fix it with you.
My ex & I went thru the same exact thing. He cheated on me, watched (& masturbated) to porn one to two times a day & when we would have sex, he couldn't keep an erection. He agreed to go to doctor & was told that, that much masturbation will affect his erection during sex b/c it is a different feeling when he does it himself as to when he was having sex. He also finally admitted that when we would try to have sex, he liked it better when he did it alone. Also admitted that I did not turn him on like the girls on porn did. Therefore, very much lack of sex. Now, I am not saying this is the same with you two, but it seems very similar. And I am sorry to be so blunt, or hurtful, but you really need to think of YOU & your needs. Go to counseling alone first & see if he will join. I hope this all works out for you.
Tarpon this is my first post. I have never posted anything before.
Ok, the online x dating site I found at the same time I found out he cheated on me with a girl he knew. It was around the same time which was about 1 yr to 1yr and a half into the relationship before marriage. He's always watched free porn as far as I know.
At the point I found out about all of it he no longer was on that x dating site or speaking to that girl. He gets that free porn that is accessible to everyone online and that's what I have seen on his phone so he is not on any x dating sites or cheating since back then. I just feel he's watching alot of porn and probably does masturbate too frequently.
Like Kay said above I think that the porn is causing a problem on top of us not being able to communicate. I read an article the other day basically saying the same thing she has mentioned above. As far as the sex issues I honestly believe that men that watch alot of porn get somewhat desensitized to REAL sex. It makes perfect sense. If you rely on that to stimulate you and your used to doing it youself a certain way then the real thing may not be that pleasing anymore. Like I said before this is not a problem we've always had. It's a new problem that has been going on for about a couple months now. I feel it's a combo of desensitation and it's also psycological as Tarpon mentioned. Before when we were getting along sex and his erections were fine.
Yes, I should have insisted the counciling before marriage and I didn't like an idiot so all I can do now is tell him either you go with me if you want to fix this or don't go and it's over. I know it will take time and alot of patience from both sides but I'm willing to try. If he isn't, well then I guess that sums it up.
I have been to my gyn for my annual check ups and I get tested because you never know. I feel every woman should regardless if they are married or not. Up to now everything is normal and ok with me thank God.
I think that if we were to go to counciling together and put in the effort needed this is a relationship that can be saved at this point. If he doesn't put forth effort obviously I will be able to tell and at least I know I tried so at the end of the day he can only look at himself as the reason this failed.
So one of two things can happen here....Either we grow closer and stronger as a couple and learn how to speak to one another and respect one another? or we grow further apart and it gets worse and then it's over........I guess we will find out soon enough. I appreciate everyone's imput and it has somewhat really put things into perspective. I hope there will be good news out of this and I hope that he will be wanting to get back to the way things were before all of this BS.
So if that wasn't your H, who is Jenny talking about? I can't access any of your previous posts because of the setting your bio is on.
And not all men care for porn. Some don't give a hoot about x rated videos.
Like I said, 100 downloaded porn videos is quite the little collection.
And I can't tell if he's done this out of boredom to see how many he can download or if he's got a real porn addiction -- at any rate, he needs to work on this marriage with you if he's interested in keeping you and the marriage --- or he needs to get the eff out.
No 2 ways about it.
Warning you in advance: if he refused to go before a good chance he will refuse to go now -- and if you plan on giving him an ultimatum, you'd better stand behind it. That is, if he says no, he'll have to hit the road.
His lack of erections isn't a psychological one in this case -- if the situation as suck is that he's masturbating to excess, what do you think is going to happen once he tries to attempt sex with you?
And if he is masturbating to excess,he's got a problem indeed.
Like I said, I would not stay. What's there to save? I've listed all the problems that are involved and the vast lack of respect for you is probably the biggest one --- and the fact that you've got a ginormous trust issue is another one.
Therapy for yourself --- and this rat needs to go, simply because of the lack of respect issue. Stay with him and your zero self esteem will worsen.
She did say her husband went to those online chat/porn dating sites... Just that he hasn't done it since then. So he was using porn dating sites to cheat on her prior to marriage, and now is on tons of regular porn sites. Her original post said "a short time ago he was asking for pictures from girls" and I didn't realize that that was referring to the pre-marriage cheating incident. I thought it was two different events.
Click here for my bio! (Updated 9/2/10!)
Go to counseling so this jerk more or less learns to treat his wife like she's gold? Uh, that is a GIVEN. He is supposed to do this no questions asked.
He could clean up his act but what about the obvious resentment he has for her?
And I'm still trying to figure out whether he is bored and just downloaded 100 pieces of porn --- uh, who has time to actually watch these many porn videos? --- or if this guy's got a genuine addiction.
She's not with him 24/7 -- is this guy masturbating and watching porn whenever he gets a chance? That would be a nice chunk of time gone from his work all day.
Is his lack of erections actually caused by excessive masturbation --- again, she isn't with him all day long --- or has he got some type of other physical or psychological problem that is causing it? I can't tell.
If he is at home and doing nothing else at home but watch porn, it's another story.
What I do know is that he's a jerk, he talks to her like she's horseshit, he won't address his problems like a man and there is excessive arguing between the both of them --- who wants to stay with a person like this?
And who wants to stay with a jerk like this?
Not too long ago I caught him talking dirty to some girl by text on Word Fued on his cell phone! He actually made up a new email asked the girl to email him a picture of her naked! and he sent one back to her! Which leades to #3.
And when you caught him, what happened?
This is cheating. I do hope you realize that.
Sis, there's no hope here. Do what you have to do to get your ducks in a row financially and then file. Let him have his 100 pieces of porn on his cell, his sexting lovelies and let him go argue with somebody else and treat them like dirt. What a douche he is; there is NOTHING here to love.
I am stuck on the cheating issure. I can see forgiving him for that first time. Fine. Because I have seen first hand examples that once a cheater does not ALWAYS mean always a cheater.
But he is sexting/chatting with other girls again and exchanging nude pictures. HENCE...he is CHEATING (even if not physically) AGAIN. I don't do third chances, myself. If he is not into counseling...or only goes to "shut you up", it's not benficial.
He is cheating and he has a problem with porn . Some porn is OK. But when it's used to the point where you don't have a good sex life anymore, it's a problem. I'd leave......let him have all the tramps he wants. After he realizes they are a fantasy, he will regret losing out on his real woman. Maybe he'll treat the next one better if he learns his lesson the hard way.
So you hatched out another kid, and possibly 2, with this prince. Of course you know having a baby cures all. Maybe that'll work.
Story sounds a bit familiar. I ended up solving my problem with a divorce.
He doesn't want to have sex with you because sex with himself is easier (and selfish).
I didn't read all of the replies, but just wanted to offer up that someone else had been there. The one thing that helped me heal through it all was a website. http://npsupport.net/community/
Good luck
So sorry to hear about all this...
On the topic of his ED... that's often a side-effect of porn addiction. The brain is essentially a computer and it can be "reprogrammed" to be stimulated by different things. There are unfortunately a lot of married men who need porn just to be able to make love their wives. The problem isn't with you - it's with his addiction.
On a side note, not all men watch porn. I know many men who intentionally avoid porn, and use ad-blockers and browser add-ons to keep it off their computers and some that even have an email automatically sent to a friend when they visit a sexual site, as accountability. It might be considered "normal", but it isn't "all men". There are exceptions, even if they are rare.
I hope everything is resolved soon.
First of all, every man does not watch pornography.
Second, please see my post above about this issue. It is s serious problem, it sounds like your husband has an addiction. Beyond that, there are many other issues here. If he will not go to counseling, I am not sure what else you can do but walk away. I do not believe in divorce as a general "out" for issues....but in cases of infidelity I do....it takes an extraordinary couple to work through that, though it can be done.
We lost our first daughter, Hannah Grace on May 4, 2011 at 20 weeks. She was buried on May 14 during a beautiful service at my home church. We are grateful that if she could not be here with us, that she is healed and whole with the Lord. We look forward to the day when we will get to meet her. We love her so much.
Make a pregnancy ticker
alright girl, i hate to put it this way, but here it is. i'm not going to get into "he said, she said, people make mistakes, i'm being dramatic", whatev, because guess why? it dont matter! you know what matters? you! are YOU happy? obviously not. there is no right or wrong when it comes to your ENTIRE LIFE and gettin out of it what you put in it!
ask yourself one question only, "does he make me happy?" not momentarily, but adding his behavior, his explosive reactions, is refusal to go to therapy, cheating, lack of sex or interest in you, to the good times and good things that he does, does all of this equal LIFE LONG HAPPINESS for you? can you go on exactly the way its been for the rest of your life?
normally i wouldnt advise someone to do this so soon, but i think you have given him ample chances and the violations he has commited against you are so.... brutal and serious, i think now is the time.
and honestly, just from a personal perspective and my own rocky start to my marriage, if he is not willing to go to councilling, and do whatever it takes to make it work with you and be happy with you, than i just dont see any kind of future... and he's just going to railroad you until he gets bored with whipping you and leaves you for a younger, dumber and more submissive version.
good luck! my heart truly goes out to you and i hope you find what it is that no one but you can do that makes you satsified with your life.